Will I ever be friends with my ex again?

[dabears23]

Okay so my gf just broke up with me about a week ago and it has made me a mess. We were dating for a little over 2 and a half years. She broke up with me a couple of months before what would be our 3 years together. This came at a time when we were living together, so I was still always around her. I did sign a lease for another apartment but I couldn't move in for a few months (I live in a college town).

 

So, she was nice enough to have me keep living there with her until I moved out. Well about a month after our supposed 3 year anniversary, she wanted to give me another chance but we were going to take it really slow, so we weren't labeled as a couple.

 

2 months went by and I was doing my best to make things work. We started having good times together again, with an occasional speed-bump here and there, when all of a sudden she tells me she doesn't have feelings for me anymore, and that it wasn't the same ever since the first breakup. So through the first week after she told me this I kept asking what exactly happened. She said she wants to see what else is out there and that she needs time and space. But she said she would still like to be friends, just not right away or anything.

 

Well, I made the mistake by talking to her and telling her that we could work if she gave me the chance. This led to her getting really upset and annoyed with me and now she doesn't want me texting her for a while. How long, I don't know.

 

Now I keep kicking myself because I let my emotions get the best of me and now I think that I just won't be able to ever talk to her again, even as friends. I know she wants to move on and that she wants me to move on, which I can understand. But since I did what I did for those first few days after the breakup, is there still any chance that I can at least be friends with her? Or is our friendship pretty much ruined forever? Also, how long would you say if she doesn't contact me, that she pretty much has forgotten about me? I mean we dated for nearly 3 years, she still has to care about me somewhat right? She has done so many good things for me through these last few years.

 

I know I can't force her to have feelings for me or anything, which sucks, but I can understand it. But could there be a way that if I give her this space and we slowly start to hang out as friends in the future that she would consider getting back with me? Thanks you guys

[Tigerfan]

First of all, there's no way she will ever forget you. I am 47 years old. In college, over 25 years ago, I dated some girls for only a few months and I still remember them, and will occasionally wonder what ever happened to them. You've been with her 3 years. If she lived to be 100, she won't forget you. You haven't ruined things forever. But you do need to give her time and space like she asked for. Over time, any thing you did that upset her like what you said to her about giving you a chance will fade away. I think there is a very good chance of one day being friends with her, but I know you want more than that, right? Who knows if reconciliation will ever happen. Time will tell. The best thing you can do is try to live your life as best you can, and leave her alone to her thoughts for awhile. I am in the same boat, so i know how hard it can be. Give it time and see where things lead.

[zccr3279]

Sounds very similar to my recent situation (2.5 years with ex/gf). And, I did give her the time and space she needed. 1 month of NC and she came back to me (this was after dating 2+ years). HOWEVER, what I later realized was that she was confused, lonely, and most of all...USING ME so she could maximize her selfishness and self-centered personality.

 

So what did that get us, me? Nothing!

 

So, not knowing what I now know, we become a couple in May (against my better judgment), though she doesn't "spread the word" to her friends too voluntarily. Honestly, I didn't either because I wasn't sold on her new "story" of why she needed to break it off in March/April. I develop feelings for her again, stronger than ever. We continued to hang out on weekends (due to job/location issues) but during the week, I noticed that she stopped calling/texting me. In fact, she stopped calling to see what the plans were for the weekend. So, instead of 50/50, it was 100/0 my job.

 

Then, a couple weeks ago (sept), after trying this out for 4 months, she tells me that she:

 

a) forgot my birthday

b) didn't really care that she forgot my birthday

c) doesn't find me attractive and hasn't since the 2nd week of getting back together

d) considered us both dating while hanging out for the future

e) acknowledges that i'm a good "friend" and "lover" but she's not seeing the affection toward me

f) has pretty much given up on the relationship

 

Of course, my logical response (not said harshly) was simply, "well, why don't we just break up then?"

 

Her response: "ok." ...and that was without any pause or delay, too.

 

 

My point? My policy toward people like this or really any long-term relationship is, it's 2 ways: dating or nothing. Up front, that does sound harsh. However, even by giving her your friendship, you're basically letting her walk all over you and completely and totally use you. So, in the end, you lose everything and gain nothing while she gains everything and loses nothing. Doesn't seem fair, does it?

 

If she doesn't want to date you anymore, make sure she also loses the perks of dating you. It's as simple as that. Maybe she'll realize what she lost. If not, at least you know what she lost!