what do you think about this? (even perhaps better to break up?)

[mixxturey]

Hello,

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for a while and must admit that I do like her a lot, care for her a lot , and on some levels I would like to marry her.

 

 

 

We are both still around college age ( she is going for her masters, I just finished up my doctorate) and we are part of a student group with a lot of people in it. A fair amount of the other people in the group are dating and/ married and a good amount of the younger people are single.

 

 

In the case of my female friends in group, I am close to them but obviously my girlfriend comes first to me and then my best friend is married, so while I am also close to his wife and will talk to her, her husband is obviously the main person in her life. To put it another way, a lot of people in our group are friendly but the significant other is the main person to the other person.

 

 

Now my girlfriend is very outgoing and very friendly and I like that abour her, I like how warm she is and how much she cares about people, but some of the time I must admit I don't know when she talks to the other, signle guys in the group how much of it may happen to be flirting and, indeed, the single guys might think she is single and flirting with her.

 

 

So, really, i must admit that this is rather confusing to me.

 

 

 

Considering the confusion, and although I did say I think I would like her to marry her, am I better off breaking up?

 

 

Thanks

[blackhawks1287]

Breaking up for what reasons? Because she is talking to single guys?

 

If it is only at these group meetings and not outside of that, then I think you are just looking for a reason to break up with her.

 

If she is crossing boundaries then tell her so.

[DN]

If she is behaving inappropriately then you should tell her and give her a chance to change. But simply talking to other men is not inappropriate unless the content is.

[offplanet]

You don't mention anything about 'loving' her, only liking and caring for her. I know that wasn't the point of your question, but it got me wondering why you might want to marry her 'on some levels'.

[Ariel85]

You don't mention anything about 'loving' her, only liking and caring for her. I know that wasn't the point of your question, but it got me wondering why you might want to marry her 'on some levels'.

 

I noticed this right off, as well. This is such a totally peculiar approach.

 

OP - it sounds like you're looking for an excuse to end the relationship.

[mixxturey]

Thanks for the replies.

 

 

First, I didnt say 'love' because I thought my saying things about marriage and caring would have conveyed that, so i didnt think I needed to actually say it.

 

 

And as I mentioned I didnt think she is perhaps being "innapporiate" per se (she talks to the other girls in the group a lot as well) but more the fact, again, that she is really outgoing and pretty attractive and the single guys might take that as flirting and interest and so forth.

 

 

 

My other point then, I guess, is that I have dated other people and I have never had quite this feeling; when I would see someone I was dating talking to someone, perhaps even being chatted up by a guy, I didnt think anything of it.

 

 

But, now, considering I am feeling this confusion and I have not felt it before, am I better off in a situation where I wont feel it?

[offplanet]

You seem a little half hearted about her. I don't know if that's the case in reality or not, or if it's just what's coming accross in this post. Seems like it wouldn't take much to fix 'the problem', though, seeing as she's not doing anything 'inappropriate'. But why would single guys maybe think she was single? Is she not interacting with you like a couple, also, when you're with the group of friends? Is she not treating you as her 'main person' like the others who are in couples are treating their partners? There's not really enough information in your posts to work out what the problem is and to comment on it. Maybe reassurance from her would help you not to mind when she talks innocently to other guys. Maybe you haven't felt as strongly as this towards the other girls you've dated, whom you haven't minded talking to other guys. Or maybe you feel there's something lacking in this girls commitment to you. As to breaking up with her because of it, it doesn't seem like enough reason, especially before trying to 'fix' it. If it was a case of a girl being flirtatious to the extent of you being unbearably bothered by that, then yes, I would think maybe you were mismatched, but this case doesn't seem to fit that bill.

[dr_loomis7]

As noted by the others, it doesn't sound like she is doing anything wrong unless there is more that has left to be said. It sounds more like you are being insecure and fearful that she might find someone else. Be careful about those feelings and try to put them in check as soon as possible or as I've found too many times in my experience, they could be self-fulfilling prophecies.

[mixxturey]

Thanks for the replies.

 

 

And, just as a bit of an update, something new has come up and I will go into more detail about it later.

 

 

Any thoughts/ even advice on it would be great.

[mixxturey]

okay, I was talking to my best friend tonight and it turns out my girlfriend has been going ballroom dancing quite often and a lot of the guys from our student group go.

 

 

I must admit I am rather surprised by this and, speaking in honesty to all of you, it doesn't sound to me like the best foundation for a long term relationship.

 

 

So given this should I discuss it with or is it just better to break up? As I said, I really don't think any guy or girl would be all that happy to hear something along these lines.

[DN]

Why hasn't she invited you to go?

[mixxturey]

I have no idea, really. As I said, I got my doctorate so I have been incredibly busy and, as an example, my brother is a doctor and barely sees his wife and daughter and I am swamped in the same way at the moment.

 

 

But what do you think of the ballroom dancing and is it something to break up over?

 

 

 

Thanks

[DN]

No, not in and of itself, I don't. It could be she just wanted to learn to dance, plenty people do. But I would want to know why she didn't ask you to join. She shouldn't assume it was because you were busy but it could be that.

[mixxturey]

Well, i did get the impression it hasnt been going on very long and I have been gone a lot of the last month; I was out of town for some family stuff and then I was out of the country and just got back on saturday.

[DN]

Well, that might explain it. Tell her you heard she is going and ask if you can go as well.

[mixxturey]

Well, I am not really into dancing though.

 

 

 

And anyone else have anything?

 

 

Thanks

[Fern]

So because you're not into dancing she shouldn't go - because there will be other men there? You need to wise up - what's she supposed to do for a social life whilst you're busy? Sit at home knitting?

[mixxturey]

I wasn't saying my not being interested in dancing has any real bearing on this (as an example I talk football and other things with my guy friends and she really doesn't get involved in that) but as I said i am surprised the dancing is going on and what is the best reaction for me to take?

 

 

Thanks

[Fern]

Why are you having a reaction at all? You're not hurt that she didn't invite you, you're just annoyed that she's going to be around other men without you as a chaperone. You either don't trust her at all or you're VERY insecure. Let the woman have a life outside of you or she WILL end up running off with another guy.

[mixxturey]

Actually, I had the reaction because it was a bran new situation to me. And to see what men and women here though about it, perhaps they could give me the best way to react and so forth.

 

 

That being said, does anyone have other thoughts?

 

 

Thanks

[mixxturey]

Any other thoughts on this?

 

 

Thanks

[mhowe]

Honestly, you really don't seem that into her -- it's like a big group of friends of which some have SO. And you've been gone a month and really don't know what's going on in her life? I think you should have a chat with her, but it doesn't seem all that solid to me. You go from "I could marry her" to "should I break up with her?" without a lot of reasoning either way.

[mixxturey]

As usual, thanks for the reply. And actually there is some good reasoning for the "i could marry her" part but I just didn't go into everything.

 

 

(As for me being gone for a month, the family stuff was really serious, as serious as it can get actually, so while i talked to her to give updates there wasn't any small talk. And for the out of the country part, there was a six hour time difference and they had me constantly really busy. Didn't have time really to talk to my "bros" either.)

 

And I would say that I am into her but at the same time I don't want to be one of those of guys who would be unable to function for a few weeks, get depressed if i was to break up. I am pretty thankful to be leading a great life and I wouldn't want to base something on any single thing.

 

 

And I like I said, if I was to break up with her I can't deny that is probably something i would come to regret rather strongly pretty quickly.

 

 

That being said, do you have any take on the dancing thing? That is really my main question at this point. I see you are female, so would you yourself go ballroom dancing? or how would you feel if your boyfriend did?

 

 

As I also said, this is entirely new situation for me and wanted to see what others thought.

[SpottiOtti]

You hear that she's been going ballroom dancing. You've been away and busy, so maybe she hasn't had a chance to tell you about it yet. You have a moment of panic, a visceral reaction; you feel it in your gut; it's fear that she may have been dancing with some other guy, fear that you may lose her. The emotion seems uncontrollable, and you need control and order. This is too messy and it's not fun. So in an effort to impose order on this feeling you have, you try to regain control by thinking, "Well, I could end it. I don't want to feel these strong emotions, I don't like them, and I can always walk away from them."

 

Okay, you've had your visceral reaction. Now get a grip on yourself. It's only ballroom dancing. It's a hobby for a lot of people. It's not a big deal that she went. Just calm down, and ask her how it was. "Hey, I've heard you went ballroom dancing. How was that?" She'll probably tell you all about it.

 

Unless all of this really is you looking for a reason to end your relationship. But honestly, I think everyone here is going to tell you that ballroom dancing and her having conversations with guys are not reasons to end it. And if they do tell you that, they are probably misogynistic control freaks who are horribly insecure, so I wouldn't necessarily listen to them. If you want out of this, be honest with yourself about why. If it's because you are not comfortable with strong, messy emotions, you should know that a lot of people have trouble dealing with them. It's not easy. But it's part of having something real and valuable with another person.

[mixxturey]

Wow, you really hit the nail on the head on the first part.

 

And then you said, "and if they do tell you that,..." did you mean to say "don't" there or "do", because what you said makes more sense if it is don't.

 

 

 

As I said about breaking up, I think I would come to regret it pretty strongly pretty quickly.