He described his ex-girlfriends as 'beautiful'

[thebluest]

I met up with a guy for the first time (we met online) and we had previously talked briefly about our relationship history over email (he said he was an open book and I can ask him anything). We had a smooth night of conversation, he's pretty open and chatty, and on the drive home he talked about his exes. I don't remember how it started, but I asked him if he dates a lot, and he told me about the girl he last dated (a first date, a pretty crazy girl actually). And then from this I think he went into his dating history by saying 'and before that, I dated etc...'

 

For two of his exes he said 'she was a beautiful girl'.

 

In the last 3-4 days he's texted and called and it appears that a 2nd date is likely this week. I enjoyed the date and I'd like to see him again.

 

I'm not sure how I feel about him talking about his girlfriends and calling them beautiful. In a certain light, he's open and of course he must have found them beautiful, so it's not a bad thing that he thinks of them fondly still and not with angst or drama. And beautiful is a sweet way to describe someone you must have loved. I did cheekily ask 'beautiful inside and out?' and he said yes. But is that the thing you tell to a lovely potential new girl sitting next to you? I worry because the last time a guy talked about his ex on a date with me, it turns out he was over her but he wasn't ready for a relationship a year after the breakup. I don't want to see something that isn't there, because so far he ticks most of my boxes.

 

Is there something to be concerned about here?

[Ms Darcy]

I would not run for the hills yet. Just amke note of it and observe his brhavior for a few more dates.

[Ariel85]

1 - don't get into cars on a first date with guys you've never met. This is how you end up being a statistic.

 

2 - I'd be flattered if a guy told me his ex's were gorgeous. Means he thinks the same about you.

[thebluest]

I would not run for the hills yet. Just amke note of it and observe his brhavior for a few more dates.

 

I really don't want to run yet (he's not a bad catch! Super cute, well-spoken, ambitious, social, optimistic and loves life)! Definitely don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill, and I've considered that he could have been a bit nervous and blurted out weird things on a first date (I do sometimes - you just want to fill the other person in on everything about you!)

 

1 - don't get into cars on a first date with guys you've never met. This is how you end up being a statistic.

 

2 - I'd be flattered if a guy told me his ex's were gorgeous. Means he thinks the same about you.

 

Hah well good first point and I agree! But, slightly in my defence, he's a cop and I'm far too trusting of people with badges? And I wasn't planning on accepting a ride home, he just said 'So I'm driving you home, you're not catching the train at this hour' which seemed so sensible at the time. It was nice of him because it takes an hour to my place and then 40 minutes to circle around back to his. And in the car he said 'isn't this better than catching the train?' ...and you know, not advocating lifts from strangers... but it totally was better than the train!

 

As to the 2nd point, I didn't consider this. I wonder if he was trying to impress me? In a weird male way?

[DN]

Maybe he just tells the simple truth without any hidden agenda.

[sadchick83]

Yea, just see how it goes. You don't know this guy that well, so who knows, he may just be trying to inflate his ego. I live in Toronto where hockey is huge. I used to date one of the Toronto Maple Leafs. I guess this is on par with a "beautiful girl" in my city. Anyway, I really don't like to bring it up. The guy was great and we left on good terms, but I would not want to crush the ego of a new guy. I would spare telling someone new about the last guy, and the one before that, and so on.

 

Maybe this guy is insecure? Maybe its not even true. It's like very wealthy people do not talk about money, the same way a guy who has dated beautiful women need not announce it to the world.

 

Also, is this and ex-girlfriend, or someone he dated? Dated means someone you went out with for a month. Eh- let it go for now, but it would not impress me. Would he like it if you told him your dated a guy worth $100 million? Or a guy with a 12" you know what? I mean if it is an open book situation - why not?

[Mesemene]

I'd take it as a compliment as well. It doesn't sound like he was saying it in a fashion "mooning over love lost" but more casually. So he probably thinks of you that way as well.

 

And unlike Joe Average Guy, I'd probably have trusted a cop to give me a ride home as well. A note though - depending on his department, his hours and obligations may be pretty crazy, hence the exes. If things start developing, make sure you have a busy enough life of your own to deal with possible hairy schedules!

[thebluest]

Maybe he just tells the simple truth without any hidden agenda.

 

Yeah, I want to think this too, and I hope it's the reason! I thought this about the previous guy I dated too (the one who ended up not being ready for a relationship). So I'm worried about making the same mistake, but at the same time I don't want to make unfair inferences about this new guy who might be nothing like the last.

[thebluest]

Maybe this guy is insecure? Maybe its not even true. It's like very wealthy people do not talk about money, the same way a guy who has dated beautiful women need not announce it to the world.

 

Also, is this and ex-girlfriend, or someone he dated? Dated means someone you went out with for a month. Eh- let it go for now, but it would not impress me. Would he like it if you told him your dated a guy worth $100 million? Or a guy with a 12" you know what? I mean if it is an open book situation - why not?

 

Well, after he told me about his ex-girlfriends (and they were ex-girlfriends he dated for 1 and 3 years) I 'mentioned' my ex, who is a bit of a genious (in a Steve Jobs kind of way) and another ex who was a pilot Yeah, a bit immature of me, but he brought up that his exes were a flight attendant and another was a cop he was in the academy with (and another 1 year one was a secretary at his old work).

 

...and to this he said 'so you dated a genious and a pilot, what are you doing with me? Taking a step down aren't you?!' Why didn't I remember this until now... Urgh, he must have felt bad.

[Alezia]

Wait? How can it not be true? You can lie about having an ex being a Toronto Maple Leaf hockey player. Finding your ex beautiful is probably very far from possibly being a lie.

[thebluest]

And unlike Joe Average Guy, I'd probably have trusted a cop to give me a ride home as well. A note though - depending on his department, his hours and obligations may be pretty crazy, hence the exes. If things start developing, make sure you have a busy enough life of your own to deal with possible hairy schedules!

 

His schedule isn't too bad actually, 12 hour shifts in the pattern of 2 day shifts, 2 night shifts and then 6 days off, with some overtime sometimes. I was a bit surprised at this actually - I have worse hours as a lawyer. It's probably too early to start thinking about it, he loves his job, so I think his job is a selling point rather than a detraction for me at the moment!

[FathomFear]

Maybe he just tells the simple truth without any hidden agenda.

 

Agreed. It kind of baffles me how people actually want their partners to be vague and deceitful just to prevent them from becoming jealous. The fact of the matter is that physical attraction is probably the most important factor in why people even bother engaging in romantic relationships. It should come as absolutely no shock that someone finds their exes to be attractive. If they didn't, they probably would not have bothered to even start a relationship with them to begin with.

[DN]

I am learning more and more (from the various threads on here) that, despite injunctions to men to be honest and open about their thoughts and feelings, it is rarely wise for them to be so.

[thebluest]

Agreed. It kind of baffles me how people actually want their partners to be vague and deceitful just to prevent them from becoming jealous. The fact of the matter is that physical attraction is probably the most important factor in why people even bother engaging in romantic relationships. It should come as absolutely no shock that someone finds their exes to be attractive. If they didn't, they probably would not have bothered to even start a relationship with them to begin with.

 

While I agree with this - it's the context of how he brought this up which is the subject of my post! On a first date he could have stuck with 'the last date I was on was about 3 weeks ago. I met her _____, she was 22, and I didn't text her for one day and she went crazy' etc. I love a guy who is straight with his words, and open with his thoughts and feelings, even to the point of bluntness. However, a guy who brings up his exes as a tangent to a question I ask, and called them beautiful, I wonder if that suggests something more than simple openness.

[DN]

While I agree with this - it's the context of how he brought this up which is the subject of my post! On a first date he could have stuck with 'the last date I was on was about 3 weeks ago. I met her _____, she was 22, and I didn't text her for one day and she went crazy' etc. I love a guy who is straight with his words, and open with his thoughts and feelings, even to the point of bluntness. However, a guy who brings up his exes as a tangent to a question I ask, and called them beautiful, I wonder if that suggests something more than simple openness.

See my post above yours.

[FathomFear]

While I agree with this - it's the context of how he brought this up which is the subject of my post! On a first date he could have stuck with 'the last date I was on was about 3 weeks ago. I met her _____, she was 22, and I didn't text her for one day and she went crazy' etc. I love a guy who is straight with his words, and open with his thoughts and feelings, even to the point of bluntness. However, a guy who brings up his exes as a tangent to a question I ask, and called them beautiful, I wonder if that suggests something more than simple openness.

 

He might have just thought of her based on how the discussion was going. Would most guys have not said the same thing? Very likely. But I would wager that happens not because most people don't think of people from their past. It's because they've been conditioned to avoid vocalizing certain thoughts because they're taboo or considered to be in bad taste because of emotions they might stir up--such as jealousy.

 

Now, if you find that everything is reminding him of his ex., then I would agree that something larger might be afoot. But I would give him the benefit of the doubt at this point and just take it as an indication he he's just and open and honest guy.

[thebluest]

I am learning more and more (from the various threads on here) that, despite injunctions to men to be honest and open about their thoughts and feelings, it is rarely wise for them to be so.

 

Aww, well that's not fair if it was directed at me! - I do want a guy to be honest and I believe it always wiser to be honest than not. The thing is, by calling his exes beautiful, it made me firstly wonder about his current feelings for them, and secondly, despite being generally secure about how I look, when I'm sitting next to a gorgeous guy telling me he's dated an air hostess beauty it makes me wonder if he's looking at me and thinking I'm not as pretty on the outside.

[DN]

Sorry if you took offence but why can't you just accept that he was honest and let it go without looking for hidden meanings. It happens over and over again on here and the more I see it the more I can see why some men just lie about or hide what they are really thinking. Honesty just doesn't pay and this thread is a prime example of it.

[FathomFear]

Aww, well that's not fair if it was directed at me! - I do want a guy to be honest and I believe it always wiser to be honest than not. The thing is, by calling his exes beautiful, it made me firstly wonder about his current feelings for them, and secondly, despite being generally secure about how I look, when I'm sitting next to a gorgeous guy telling me he's dated an air hostess beauty it makes me wonder if he's looking at me and thinking I'm not as pretty on the outside.

 

It's possible. But even if you knew that were true, which you can't, what would be the big deal? I mean, if you dated a gorgeous guy 5 years ago does that suddenly mean that every guy you date after that will need to be just a little bit more attractive? This is just the "OMG he doesn't think I'm the prettiest woman he's ever met!" sydrome which comes to the forefront over and over again on these forums. I'm not sure there's any value in worrying about where you "rank".

[sadchick83]

Well, maybe just let it go. Like you mentioned, people can get a little nervous on their first date, so whatever. If he treated you well and respected you in other ways, let it go for now. Although, I would have been much more impressed if he said something over the top about you. I get your point though, this over enthusiasm for exs would get me going a bit. Hmmm....let's say you are watching TV with your guy and some completely hot woman comes on TV. Do you think it's ok for him to go nuts about how hot she is? A comment is fine, but he should remember you are not one of the boys.

 

It's funny, this reminds me of the rare occasion when women head out to the male strippers. Guys go nuts. Meanwhile, we put up with "boys nights" all the time.

 

I guess after the first date nervousness subsides, partners should try respect each other all the time.

[FathomFear]

I guess after the first date nervousness subsides, partners should try respect each other all the time.

 

The problem is that "respect" is being used here as a buzzword to mean "placate your partner's unrealistic expectations about how attractive he/she is with respect to the known universe".

[Batya33]

Well, after he told me about his ex-girlfriends (and they were ex-girlfriends he dated for 1 and 3 years) I 'mentioned' my ex, who is a bit of a genious (in a Steve Jobs kind of way) and another ex who was a pilot Yeah, a bit immature of me, but he brought up that his exes were a flight attendant and another was a cop he was in the academy with (and another 1 year one was a secretary at his old work).

 

...and to this he said 'so you dated a genious and a pilot, what are you doing with me? Taking a step down aren't you?!' Why didn't I remember this until now... Urgh, he must have felt bad.

 

I think you're assuming openness is a positive trait. I think it needs to be balanced with tact and thoughtfulness.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, after he told me about his ex-girlfriends (and they were ex-girlfriends he dated for 1 and 3 years) I 'mentioned' my ex, who is a bit of a genious (in a Steve Jobs kind of way) and another ex who was a pilot Yeah, a bit immature of me, but he brought up that his exes were a flight attendant and another was a cop he was in the academy with (and another 1 year one was a secretary at his old work).

 

...and to this he said 'so you dated a genious and a pilot, what are you doing with me? Taking a step down aren't you?!' Why didn't I remember this until now... Urgh, he must have felt bad.

 

Aww. Why did you do this honey? This is not nice. I would feel like you were trying to make him feel bad about himself and that's a red flag against you. (Said with all kindness).

[Ariel85]

I agree with Darcy. Once a guy feels crappy about himself through something you've said or done, it's difficult to rebound. Particularly so soon into dating. I think you took the comments he made about his ex's being pretty as some kind of personal attack, so you decided to make sure HE felt "lesser than" as you did. I really don't think he had an agenda, hon. It seems like he was prattling on, and not working with his filter. Keep in mind, a lot of guys in law enforcement don't have stellar people skills. Comes from dealing with scum all day. Hard to shift gears and know how to hold a proper convo sometimes. I would have cut him some slack and not tried to lash out and make sure he knew his "place".

 

And genius is not spelled genious. Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

[xyzzzz]

did you ask him about his ex or did he bring it up himself?

and he probably thinks all of you are beautiful. i would let it go.