Bisexual friend likes me..?

[kaleidoeyes]

I turned 18 a few days ago, and have known one of my very close friends since I was 7 years old. She told me she was bisexual when she was 12, and I've always been accepting of it. She's a great girl and we have such a great time together.

 

Up until three weeks ago. I'm from Canada, and will possibly be moving back in a few months. I was telling her how much I'd miss her, and she confessed that she's in love with me, and has been for about the past year. It was a real shock to me. We talked it out for a long time, and at the end, I gave her a hug, and well...we somehow ended up kissing.

 

I'm straight. Completely sure of it. I'm not attracted to her. But the kissing and general intimacy has become a regular thing now.

 

What the hell am I doing? I crave attention and physical closeness so much that I'd be willing to do this..?

 

She is fully aware that I'm straight. I told her this was a bad idea, cos although I love her, it's not in the same way, and it's leading her on and using her. I told her we should stop, and I should keep my distance. But she said no, definitely not; she knows I'm not gay, and she's under no delusions about what I'm trying to get out of this. She always tells me I'm gonna find a great guy one day and be happy. She says that she won't feel this way about me forever, so for now there's no harm in doing something that feels so right and makes us both so happy.

 

I'll admit it, I like being desired. And I like being close to people. Anybody. I can't go back to having a normal friendship with her, knowing how she feels...so if I end things, I'll lose her completely.

 

She says it's not hurting her, that she just sees me as a friend who it's possible to be as close as possible with.

 

If she's fine with it...am I doing the wrong thing?

[ceez]

if you made it clear that its not going any further and she agrees than its ok. I still think its a bad idea though, it can hurt both of you in the end and ruin the friendship.However, keep in mind that sexuality is a very complicated thing, some straight people have that one same sex friend who "does it" for them.

[Flyingpiglet]

If you are sure you are definitely 100% straight and not into this girl in a 'romantic' way then IMO it should stop now.

Somewhere down the line, someone is going to get hurt as more and more feelings get involved.

You are also potentially holding each other back from finding other relationships.

[WindowTo]

Your friend is going to get hurt. Unless of course you turn gay and start seeing her. Hope you meet a guy soon so you will have a less painful excuse to stop the shenanegins. You should never use somebody who is in love with you for their attention and comfort when you do not love them back, regardless of their gender or sexual orientation.

[lukeb]

keep in mind that sexuality is a very complicated thing, some straight people have that one same sex friend who "does it" for them.

 

If it is true, it is exceptionally rare, a very common fantasy of a lot of gay guys who have some homo-negative feelings, and fantazise about a straight guy loving them.

[Angel Irulan]

Purely for sexual reasons, if you act out an attraction to anyone of the same sex, it qualifies you for bisexuality. That being said, you may be comfortable not acting out on it. And then you may find later in life that it was your real orientation all along. There are so many experiences that you could have. What was your question? OH, are you doing the right thing by letting the kissing go on. My question: does this kissing turn you on? Or is it merely social kissing, a bus on the cheek or lips that doesn't involved the rest of your body. No, I'm not trying to say it's wrong, or that you are a homosexual, but you might be questioning? I guess my question to you, is what do you want to do with this?

 

Angel

[lukeb]

What the OP is describing is a type of friendship that I think happens more often among gay men but any combination is possible where only one party has romantic feelings for another. The other without the feelings is drawn into the friendship because among other things it is a great ego booster being the object of ones desires. It is easy to be friends with someone who has feelings for you, it takes very little work. The other person would to a lot more for you than you have to reciprocate.

 

What the OP is doing is leading her on by keeping her interest by giving her crumbs and feeding her false hopes if you were any kind of friend you wouldn't be playing games with her heart like that, it is cruel actually. You are the person without the feelings so it is up to you to be rational about this.

[kaleidoeyes]

I don't want to play any games with her...

I've thought very hard about this, and I've told her multiple times that this will not end well, and I don't feel the same way, and it's leading her on. But she thinks that relationships don't have to be so conventional all the time, and we shouldn't be criminalized and stop doing something that feels so right just because it seems wrong.

 

As for the kissing...it doesn't turn me on per se, but it feels nice. It's comfortable and exciting. It's just an extension of our regular intimacy, she knows it can't lead to anything serious. I've only ever been with a couple of guys, and they didn't mean much at all. This feels the same, but just nicer cos I care about her and I know she loves me.

 

But I won't deny that the major emotion in this is flattery.

[SongCoyote]

Hey Kaleidoeyes,

 

Sounds like you're in a tricky situation, and I know it can be hard to figure these things out. Here are a few suggestions that might help you make a choice:

 

Spend some time by yourself really thinking about how you feel about your friend. Do you really think she'd stop being your friend if you said no to her? If so, then saying no is probably the best thing, since that may mean the friendship is less valuable to her than her desire for you. If, however, you think she'd be okay with it, then go to step 2: spend some time by yourself thinking about what you really want. You're at a time of your life when experimenting is good, and in my opinion (admittedly biased, as I'm bi) there's little stigma to bisexuality, especially in women. If you have communicated with her and you are both very clear that you're not after a relationship - just play time - then by all means, play.

 

If, on the other hand, you feel it would be better not to play, then don't. You need to feel comfortable with yourself and your choices, whatever they may be, and a real friend will respect whatever choice you make. If you don't want to go there, then don't, however flattering her attention is (and believe me, I understand how powerful that pull can be!) Remember also that either choice (do or don't have sex) doesn't have to box you in to one self-definition or another. Experimentation doesn't make you bisexual; continued attraction (romantic and/or sexual) and thought patterns do.

 

The things that will make the biggest difference in whether this helps or hurts your relationship with her are communication and compassion (for yourself and for her). Don't do anything you don't really want to do. Do talk about it with her - you could even show her the responses you got here. Do tell her how you feel, about any concerns or conflicts in your mind, and tell her that you want her friendship more than anything else (if that's true, of course). Being open and honest gives you both the best chance to make a Friends With Benefits (FWB) situation really work, even if that's all it will ever be - and believe me, it's not a small thing!

 

In short, be good to yourself and to her, talk it out, and value yourself and her. I'm sure you'll find the right path to take, and I hope it works out however is best for you both.

 

Light and laughter,

SongCoyote

[Angel Irulan]

I don't want to play any games with her...

As for the kissing...it doesn't turn me on per se, but it feels nice. It's comfortable and exciting. It's just an extension of our regular intimacy, she knows it can't lead to anything serious. I've only ever been with a couple of guys, and they didn't mean much at all. This feels the same, but just nicer cos I care about her and I know she loves me.

 

But I won't deny that the major emotion in this is flattery.

 

Can you quit kissing this girl? Your post has plenty of lesbian potential, in my opinion. It's not really a big deal to like both guys and girls, or just girls, it simply "is." But I ask you to ask yourself: Can you quit kissing your friend?

 

Angel

[lukeb]

Spend some time by yourself really thinking about how you feel about your friend.

 

She doesn't have to, the OP has already figured it out, she even knows why she is being friends with her. The wonderful thing is, it is all clear.

 

What the OP is saying well I don't want to play games with her heart but I am going to do it anyway because it is such a great ego booster being the object of ones desires.

 

Ofcourse the friend is going to say anything like we don't have to follow any conventional idea of friendship, relationship, what we have is special etc. anything to keep this messed up friendship going. We can't look to her being rational about this because she is the one with the romantic feelings.

 

But anyways I have said my piece.

[kaleidoeyes]

Okay, let's get one thing straight: I'm not JUST using her as an ego booster. She has been a good friend of mine for 11 years; I care about her and would like to keep her friendship.

 

It makes her happy. It makes me happy. It's harmless experimentation. And in my opinion, our friendship has actually become so much closer and understanding after all this.

 

SongCoyote - Thanks for being so understanding.

 

I can't see us doing anything more than just kiss - that wouldn't feel right. I'll try slow things down for a while, and see how it goes.

[Flyingpiglet]

It's harmless experimentation. And in my opinion, our friendship has actually become so much closer and understanding after all this.

 

 

In your first post you say you are completely sure you're straight and you are not attracted to her... How can that be harmless experimetation?

 

If you are exploring your sexuality then great... enjoy!

If you are straight and not willing to emotionally invest in a relationship with this girl, then let her go so she can find someone who is!

[lukeb]

 

It makes her happy. It makes me happy. It's harmless experimentation.

 

I wonder how happy she will be when you will eventually leave her for a guy.

[kaleidoeyes]

I wonder how happy she will be when you will eventually leave her for a guy.

 

She knows this isn't gonna last forever. I'll probably be moving in a few months anyway. She realises that we will both eventually end up with other people.

 

And I AM straight. It's just a bit of fun for us both.

[polarbearzdraw]

I just wanted to hear that from a different person for oonce. I think my bff likes me, and I think I think I like her too. It's confusing, really. I keep on saying she's the one in my head, but then a minute after that I say, "Gross! I can't like her!" and my parents don't even lnow I'm turning bi...I am very,completely confused...

 

You will find a girl prettier than me, smarter than me, and funnier than me, but you will never find a girl just like me.