Should I forgive him???

[pancakes1032]

Hey guys I REALLY need some advice. I'm hanging on by a thread and I don't know what to do. First and foremost my fiance and I have been together for over 3 years. We are supposed to be getting married in May. Everything is literally planned and paid for which makes things feel so much harder and makes me feel even dumber. I don't know if I should forgive my fiance, I know that he could of done much worse but doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less. So what happened was that my fiance had just came back from Vegas, we were just talking and his phone had fallen out of his pocket on the bed, he said he needed to go to the bathroom, but when he noticed his phone was on the bed he suddenly didn't need to go. I knew something was up. I told him just go and no you're not taking your phone, I can tell something is up. He said I have nothing to hide and look at it if you want. So I did (we have has issues with the exact same problem in the past not once, but twice before. So obviously there's a little bit of trust issues there) Well I ended up finding pictures on a girl jacking herself off in his draft messages (which by the way are hidden from regular messages.) At first he lied, but then he told me that he had forwarded the text from his friend's phone (freaking sick and twisted I know!) I know it's not technically cheating but I just feel SO disrespected. I have NEVER wronged him and this is the 3rd time he's been caught doing disrespectful things with his phone. Yes he's actually a pretty amazing person, and an amazing fiance (he's never hit me and doesn't mentally or verbally abuse me. He would almost be perfect if it wasn't for this issue) but it doesn't make this hurt any less. The last time I caught him (fyi I never go searching for this stuff, each time has literally been coincidence except this time I knew he was hiding something) He told me how sorry he was and how he has a problem and he was going to change and go to therapy. Well he did go to therapy, but then he stopped a couple of weeks ago. Yes we had plans that conflicted, but I feel like he could of made an effort to make an appointment on a different day. So even after therapy (which I agree hasn't been that long) and promising he would change I come to find out nothing has really changed. I understand that he has emotional issues that stem from his effed up mother, but how much am I supposed to take? How many more times am I supposed to forgive him? To me marriage is forever. I don't believe in divorce, both of our parents have been married for for 25 years. I don't believe I deserve to deal with this for the next 25 years, but the thought of not being with him anymore just eats at my soul. I don't know how to feel or what to do. Please advise, thank you.

[DN]

Is this a porn photo or of someone he knows?

[Stay_home]

Tell him that the therapy sessions had better be consistent, productive and that the wedding is off until he can get his act together. If he doesn't, then you might have to let this one go. But considering that this is the 3rd time something crazy like this has happened and there are "trust issues" as you've stated, are you sure you would even want to go forward with this?

[UniqueSoul]

Is this a porn photo or of someone he knows?

 

I think that this is key information. If its some girl that he just met and they are exchanging pictures, thats a HUGEE red flag. if its a porno picture that his buddy sent him...i'd be more understanding

[pancakes1032]

I wouldn't say it was a porn photo because it wasn't technically from a site, but it wasn't from someone he knows either. I know it was for the simple fact that he's a man and men crave that kind of stuff. He even told me that's why he forwarded the text to himself, but doesn't make it hurt any less. I grew up with all boys I know how men are, but to me it just feels disrespectful. He used to exchange sexual emails with girls (well more like they sent him stuff, which to me is pathetic! I would never do anything like that, but I hold myself to higher standards.) He hasn't done that in the existence of our relationship (not that I know of at least) but he did admit that he used to have a problem with it, and he was trying to talk to other (random) girls on fb trying to be like how he was before, but I guess girls have more self-respect now (that was incidence number 2.) After that he said he would go to therapy.

[Stay_home]

If I were you I would start arranging for perhaps an exit strategy incase this doesn't workout. Just saying....

[pancakes1032]

I'll look into it, maybe get wedding insurance or something. I do see real remorse, but it I mean it doesn't make me feel any better knowing he's genuinely sorry. Maybe because it's still fresh, or maybe because it's the same "stuff" different day. I know things could be worse, he could have cheated, or abused me physically or verbally, but I hold myself to higher standards. It's just hard because I completely understand where his issues come from (psychology major) like to the core understand, but I mean I can't just accept it personally even if I understand it professionally. I know that with therapy he can get help and change, but only if HE wants to. No one will ever change unless they want to. How am I supposed to believe that he really wants to change this time. He said the same thing last time and although steps were taken... I don't I really don't know how to feel.

[breath.o.fresh.air]

Well, therapy takes time, and that he IS taking steps (unless you're pushing him into it?) is a very good sign. Wedding insurance, and considering postponing the wedding until he gets himself sorted out is probably a good idea, but I also think if he is making an active attempt to change his behaviour you have to realize that it will take time. Have you considered attending some therapy sessions with him, or at least meeting with his therapist as well so you're more informed about the process he's going through?

 

Also, did he just have the picture, or was he trying to contact the girl? To me, these are very different things. Just having a picture that another woman took is, in my opinion, no big deal. It'd be at the same level as having a playboy calendar in a garage to me. However, actively seeking out contact with the women and asking for their photos, responding, etc. is another matter entirely. That being said, you need to feel comfortable in your relationship and to trust him, so if those are deal-breakers for you, you have to recognize that and be upfront about it as well. You won't be happy if you're constantly questioning him. If nothing else, you need to resolve your trust issues, and he needs to be upfront with you about how he's dealing with things before you go ahead with the wedding.

[pancakes1032]

He was the one taking the steps. I actually didn't push him at all. He does realize that he has issues and I know he does want to change. He wasn't pursuing the girl for pictures this time, but that was the case in the past. I have considered going to therapy with him, but I just wanted him to sort himself out before we started doing couple's therapy. I have been very patient with his issues and I know therapy takes time, but this "relapse" doesn't hurt any less. I think I will give him some time and move forward with our relationship. Thank you everyone for the advice, I'll pray for the best.

[Liraele]

If he forwarded it to himself from a friends phone, why was it in HIS drafts? It should be in his received messages.

 

Something here isn't making sense to me.

[xyzzzz]

what he has done the first two times was kind of a beal breaker.(talking to girls sexually)..are you sure its a mental problem but not him just being a cheater?

about this incident though, from what he said,he got it from a friend and saved it.(i save my emails in draft folder cuz i regularly clean my received msg). i would be pissed cuz he feels the need to save it. so he can see again and again? and if its not a porn star..she could be someone his friend knows..and he may know or want to know later..it just brings lots of troubles.

[kaibutsu]

Here's the problem. You have forgiven him twice before for similar issues, so he has a history. Second, his "forwarded" message makes zero sense whatsoever. Forwarded messages don't go to draft folders unless you move them there to hide them. Hiding them means he did in fact have something to hide. So, should you forgive him? Maybe, but keep your eyes open because it's pretty suspicious. If you find something again though, it's probably not a coincidence.