I suck at breaking up.

[LadyCaCa]

I'm bad at breaking of relationships. I actually can't do it and end up cheating and getting caught.

When I try and break up with someone, I always back down or let them talk me out of it. I'm overcome with guilt.

How much are we responsible for the feelings of our significant other when breaking up a relationship??

[penelope13]

You are not responsible for how people will react/respond - but you are responsible if you do something knowingly that will hurt someone else, such as cheating on them because you have not courage to own up to your own feelings/decisions and you don't want to deal with their reactions

[DN]

I think you need to summon up the necessary courage to do it properly.

[LadyCaCa]

You are not responsible for how people will react/respond - but you are responsible if you do something knowingly that will hurt someone else, such as cheating on them because you have not courage to own up to your own feelings/decisions and you don't want to deal with their reactions

 

I know and I'm a coward, but when I try to explain my feelings or lack of, I'm overcome with guilt and end up reneging and everything goes on like normal and I'm just frustrated. I'd rather stay in a relationship that makes me miserable and cheat than tell some one that they make me miserable and have to deal with their hurt feelings.

[lukeb]

You are definitely responsible for making them feel a lot worse than they would have otherwise, and ironically you do this with the intent of trying to be nice and sparing their feelings. You are quite right it sounds like you do suck at breaking up. Technically you are not responsible for someone else's feelings but you are responsible for not being honest with them, stringing them along because you don't have the guts to do the right thing.

[lukeb]

I know and I'm a coward, but ....

 

This is just rationalizing your behavior, and you somehow think that when you think of yourself as a coward that that somehow absolves you from the wrong things that you do. It is better not to admit that you are a coward but to do the right thing next time.

[Eocsor]

In a more respectful tone then. You need to grow up a bit and do the right thing when it comes to other people. Claiming to be a coward is a cop out. You're an adult so you need to act like one in a relationship.

[Live-N-Learn]

It hurts a lot less to be broken up with than to be cheated on.

[blackhawks1287]

Yes you sound extremely young and or vulnerable to these types of situations.

 

You allow yourself to cheat on people, and try to justify that. Is it really worth making yourself look bad, just because you try to ease the guilt and pain of someone else that you no longer love?

 

Pure selfishness.

[digdug]

You are not responsible for how people will react/respond - but you are responsible if you do something knowingly that will hurt someone else, such as cheating on them because you have not courage to own up to your own feelings/decisions and you don't want to deal with their reactions

 

TOTALLY agree ...

[engraved2008]

It hurts a lot less to be broken up with than to be cheated on.

 

 

I cannot say it hurts less.....i do not like confrontations,yes im a coward.....but how about having a pregnant women with mental disorders and medical condition.....yes,eventually u have to throw the bomb,and say,yes i have a lover',but when u say,hey,i m not the one for u,its over,im sorry,u need to find someone else.....thats harsh.....its not easier

[Huntress0527]

It hurts way less when you get broken up with then to find your SO cheating. If you can't break up with people when you know it isn't right then really you have no business beginning a relationship. This is something you need to work on.

[WindowTo]

Why does everyone in this thread keep saying that we have no responsibility towards our SO's feelings. Isn't that the whole idea of breaking up instead of cheating, because it is more fair and thus less hurtful? I am assuming what everyone means to say is that, while we certainly have a responsibility for the feelings of those who we choose to get involved with, it is important to do what is fair and honest to save them from an overall worse trauma rather than save us from an immediate confrontation in the short term. It is this sort of thinking, that once you are not in love with someone that you can completely disregard their feelings that makes people think that the better option is to avoid all confrontation, honesty, and respect to leave the dumped in the dark rather then admit what is going on in their head. I think at the end of the day we all know that acting respectful and honest with your SO without leading them on will leave them better than your other options.

[Mesemene]

I know and I'm a coward, but when I try to explain my feelings or lack of, I'm overcome with guilt and end up reneging and everything goes on like normal and I'm just frustrated. I'd rather stay in a relationship that makes me miserable and cheat than tell some one that they make me miserable and have to deal with their hurt feelings.

 

You're over 40 years old, and you cheat instead of sitting down and talking?

 

You don't have to say "hey, you're making me miserable and I'm leaving." But it's a lot better to say "We need to talk about our relationship. I haven't been happy for a while, and I'm sure you've noticed. I've done a lot of thinking, and I feel like it's time we consider parting ways before we make each other completely miserable," than to make yourself feel better by getting ego strokes from an affair.

 

Breaking up isn't easy - but destroying someone's trust before breaking up is unnecessarily cruel.

[WindowTo]

It's not a matter of what is better for them, just like if we all took $20 of our own money and sent it to an impoverished 3rd world country it would be better and maybe more fair for the starving children, just like it would be nice and it would be better if politicians were honest and didnt lie just to get more votes.

Lol why not? We DO send 20$ of our own money to impoverished 3rd world countries all the time, and we don't do it because we think it is more or less fair, we do it because we recognize that improving life for mankind as a whole will improve life for us personally in one way or another even if it is moving towards some large distant ideal. The same should be even more evident in a relationship as it does not take some large distant ideal to see why it is important, when you enter a relationship with a person if it does not become generally accepted that you are responsible for making them feel traumatized or feel good then you leave yourself open towards justifying being on the receiving end of such things. Why do people so often take responsibility for all of our interactions with people except for romantic ones? I don't think there is anything wrong with being brutally honest with someone, but cheating seems to be quite the opposite of that.

[blackhawks1287]

You don't have to say "hey, you're making me miserable and I'm leaving." But it's a lot better to say "We need to talk about our relationship. I haven't been happy for a while, and I'm sure you've noticed. I've done a lot of thinking, and I feel like it's time we consider parting ways before we make each other completely miserable," than to make yourself feel better by getting ego strokes from an affair.

 

Best way to put it, I wish this happened to me haha. But it is the truth.

 

I have had to break up with people, and especially this one girl...she kept calling, texting, that night and for a couple days begging me. I told her no, no, no, no. I don't see it being that hard. Did I feel guilty? Sure, but I knew it had to happen.

[penelope13]

Everyone is responsible for their own feelings, i.e. it is up to me to make sure that I am happy; if I am in a situation that makes me unhappy, I need to take measurements how to either change the situation or get out of it.

 

It is NOT someone else's responsibility to provide all the happiness for me. Even in a relationship the responsibility is with me, even if my partner is the trigger of the happiness.

 

This is about not making someone else the only source for your emotional state. If you are unhappy with yourself, don't get into a relationship with the expectation that the other person has to take on that responsibility now.

 

My responsibility is to be true and honest to other people so they can chose for themselves if my actions contribute to their emotional well being or not and give them the freedom to decide to stop interacting with me.

 

But if someone chooses to react irrational, overemotional etc, if I make a personal choice - it is not my fault that they are choosing to react in any particular way.

[blackhawks1287]

Why do people so often take responsibility for all of our interactions with people except for romantic ones? I don't think there is anything wrong with being brutally honest with someone, but cheating seems to be quite the opposite of that.

 

Brutally honest is fine. I think it should be the ideal way. This is how I feel, this is how you make me feel, this is why we need to break up. Period. Cheating is a cop out.

[WindowTo]

We do? I never have. I bet not one person on this thread has sent $20 of their own money to an impoverished 3rd world country except for you.

You want to make a bet that nobody on this thread besides me has ever given money to charity...? Lol I will take that bet. Americans give about 300 billion$ in charity every year. But my point is simply about the psychology behind charity, ultimately we do it for our own benefit just as we should be responsible for peoples feelings in a relationship to a reasonable degree for our own reputation and reciprocated respect. People veer of a rational road with this subject when they hear the words you are not responsible for others people's feelings in the sense that of course you should not cause detriment to yourself to make someone who has their own issues happy, but relationships are just like any other facet in society (business, academics, government) in that when you are dishonest or use people you usually end up shooting yourself in the foot by trading long term benefits for short term compulsions. For example take the classic example of the breakup. Say Emily and Chaz are in a relationship. However, Emily feels that she has no responsibility towards other people's feelings in a relationship and she is therefore free to do whatever she needs to do to make herself happy irregardless of how Chaz feels, therefore she is actually in love with someone else the whole time who has rejected her and she is simply using Chaz to keep her self esteem up and her loneliness down all while lying to Chaz and saying she loves him. Then one day the man she is in love with (who she has claimed was just a friend to Chaz and been in constant contact with) reciprocates her feelings and she cheats on Chaz and leaves him for the guys he was in love with. Emily offers no explanation or sympathy and Chaz never really knows what happened. In this situation if Emily had felt some responsibility towards other people's emotions, she may have simply waited until she was over the man she was in love with, or waited until things panned out with him instead of using Chaz and lying to him. This is the sort of behavior that such a mindset breeds in my opinion. You are certainly not responsible for staying in love or your feelings towards someone in a relationship, but you are responsible for how much respect you show that person once they have earned it.