Rebound love VS Non rebound love..

[22n32]

Okay lets have a discusion on the topic.. lets define the two...

 

rebound love- say you dated someone for 3months to 1yr broke up, within weeks or months got into another rel dated for months or yrs and fell in love with that person..

 

non rebound love-- maybe didnt date anyone for a good length before metting your current love..

 

my question is.. is the rebound love any less powerfull or significant, because there might of been love or care from prev rel???

 

I know the typical feelings might be, u had love from prev rel, and didnt fully get over them so that love was carried over to the new rel.

 

so is rebound love really less significant or meaningfull???

 

or rebound love or not, the love u had for the current rel just as powerfull and real???

[endy]

I don't think that love in a rebound is really any different. What is different is that you are not grieving the relationship, it's not healthy and you carry baggage into the new relationship which makes it almost impossible to work. That's why it's always healthy to take your time from relationship to relationship.

 

I think that a person that does this only has an idea of what love is. They do not understand true love, can't be by themself and often look to others for happiness. True love is not possible with the above said. What they are looking for is an "in love" feeling and that's just not what true love is. A person capable of true love, loves themself and looks to themself for happiness and is happy within.

 

What the above does is not only cause the other person suffering, but also yourself. You are repressing grief, and all other emotions and feelings for that person. That leads to depression and other mental dis-ease.

[Eocsor]

I think that rebound love is a band aid that prevents you from processing the feelings and baggage you have from the last relationship. Usually, it burns out quickly because it wasn't true love, just a coping mechanism. You're using someone to prevent you from dealing with the pain you'd otherwise feel.

[22n32]

Endy.. I agree with everything your saying.. espically the 2nd paragraph..

 

guess my question was is rebound love any less real love..

[22n32]

I think that rebound love is a band aid that prevents you from processing the feelings and baggage you have from the last relationship. Usually, it burns out quickly because it wasn't true love, just a coping mechanism. You're using someone to prevent you from dealing with the pain you'd otherwise feel.

 

agree...

 

but what if the rebound love was strong and great... but burnt out because the person never dealt with the pain from prev rel??

[blackhawks1287]

Endy you are starting to piss me off with all of your intellectual thoughts and phrases that you are reading from these books, not only because they make complete and utter sense, but because it makes you sound like uber relationship god!

 

I am kidding, but I completely agree. Even if you think you are OKAY after an LTR where you had an "in-love" feeling, or were in love, because you would know, you need time to yourself to reevaluate yourself and what you really want out of a relationship, not just dive into the next one because you are chasing a feeling and the opportunity and the chance, while not processing your own actions, thoughts, feelings of the last relationship and how it ended and your contribution to that.

[blackhawks1287]

agree...

 

but what if the rebound love was strong and great... but burnt out because the person never dealt with the pain from prev rel??

 

It was great while that were chasing and hanging onto that "in-love" feeling. Maybe that is gone, and that is why they burnt out?

[Liraele]

I agree with what endy said. If you never deal with your emotions from the previous relationship, your future relationships suffer for that. Rebounds may not even be the first person you jump into a relationship with... even waiting a year before starting a serious relationship, if you didn't deal with the loss of the previous relationship... it could, technically, be a rebound.

 

Though, you also have to consider this... someone moving on in a week or two, or a day or two even may not be a rebound in the typical sense. Some people are through with a relationship well before they 'officially' end it - they've checked out of the relationship and done their version of the grieving process while still having the emotional crutch of the other party. So, they may be able to move on to a new love in what seems like an inordinately short amount of time - in what appears to be a rebound but may not actually be.

 

Is the love any less? I don't know. I think you can fall in love with someone without having dealt with your previous issues. Does that make it a lesser love? A greater one, because you fell for them DESPITE your unresolved issues? I guess it depends on the person, the reason for falling, the reason for getting involved. I think the scars will show - I guess it depends on whether or not this new person is interested in helping you deal with your problems when they do come up... if it will last or not.

[Eocsor]

agree...

 

but what if the rebound love was strong and great... but burnt out because the person never dealt with the pain from prev rel??

 

I don't think thats the way it works. The rebound love isn't strong and great, thats why it burns out. It may be intense but it's not real. People begin to realise that the person they rebounded with isn't really for them, that they were just a temporary fix.

 

Sure sometimes it lasts, but I'm not sure if thats not because some people just need someone, anyone, in their life. If the rebound turns out to be a decent person they stay with them, but it's because they can't handle being alone.

[Live-N-Learn]

My ex could not be alone. She always had another one lined up before she officially ended her current Relationship. She has low self worth and self esteem and does not like herself very much. She looks to others to make her feel good about herself. When she moves on to the next one she gets that high of a new relationship but at the end of the day she still has to come home and be with her own thoughts which she can not stand. I have seen her conform to whatever they wanted her to be just to try to make it work.

 

She has told me "I can not be alone". One day she will have to deal with herself but until then she will continue to make that person her life and will continue to seek happiness from others. It quite sad actually.

 

People that are unhealthy will continue to pick partners at there level so I do not ever see her having a fulfilled relationship until she takes a time out and works on herself. A healthy person would not stay with her. I realize now that I too was unhealthy and needed to work on myself. Today we would not be compatible because I do not want to be anyone's life. I have rebuilt my life and have hobbies, she has none.

[blackhawks1287]

Though, you also have to consider this... someone moving on in a week or two, or a day or two even may not be a rebound in the typical sense. Some people are through with a relationship well before they 'officially' end it - they've checked out of the relationship and done their version of the grieving process while still having the emotional crutch of the other party. So, they may be able to move on to a new love in what seems like an inordinately short amount of time - in what appears to be a rebound but may not actually be.

 

I don't agree with this. Because all that proves is the person checking out is a hugely dependent person that has to rely on someone to ease the paint, the guilt, the emotions, the energy. That still is not healthy, no matter how you look at it. It is still not healthy checking out, breaking up, and moving straight on to someone else because you have no time to yourself to figure yourself out.

 

They check out because they are not strong enough to simply ending it. Being alone. Trying to actually fix themselves figuring out how and why they got themselves into the position to begin with.

 

Dependent people and personalities, may not reflect the relationship, but you can see them through their friendships as well.

[Live-N-Learn]

Dependent people and personalities, may not reflect the relationship, but you can see them through their friendships as well.

 

This is so true. My ex will text people all day long and say things to her so called friends like...I miss you!!! We need to hang out!!! I luv you and so forth. These mean nothing to her really. She is only reaching out because she needs constant attention and affirmation. All her friendships are really about her. All on her timeline. She really has no clue how to be a real friend and is very selfish.

 

I have always wondered what her new relationships are like. Does she treat them like she does her so called friends which I feel she uses to make herself feel better.

[Liraele]

I don't agree with this. Because all that proves is the person checking out is a hugely dependent person that has to rely on someone to ease the paint, the guilt, the emotions, the energy. That still is not healthy, no matter how you look at it. It is still not healthy checking out, breaking up, and moving straight on to someone else because you have no time to yourself to figure yourself out.

 

They check out because they are not strong enough to simply ending it. Being alone. Trying to actually fix themselves figuring out how and why they got themselves into the position to begin with.

 

Dependent people and personalities, may not reflect the relationship, but you can see them through their friendships as well.

 

Not necessarily. If you live with someone, and know you're done, and are looking for a new place, etc on the side but don't want to deal with the drama of breaking up until you're going to be completely gone and free, well... some people are just assholes. Doesn't mean there isn't something wrong with them... but it may be a different sort of something wrong than is related to that particular relationship.

 

(Gah, I feel like that doesn't make sense. Sleepy brain, wake up!)

[Stillhope]

What people are saying makes a lot of sense to me, my current relationship most likely began as a rebound. He was cautious at first and so was I. A lot of my insecurities to this day may be due to the fact that the relationship was likely to have been born that way. However from the beginning I have always told myself I do not believe in rebounds, and the man I am with now I know for a fact I want to be with forever. Obviously I could be wrong but I guess it's what you make of it.

[Carus]

I guess I'll throw in my 2 cents...

 

In June of 2009, after some years together, my ex told me she had feelings for another guy and was leaving me to be with him....They are still together and going strong to this day...

 

Take from that what you will.....

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

[RealCity19]

Live-N-Learn,

 

This all sounds too familiar. Loved my ex-girlfriend to death. One day we were laughing up a storm having a good time, the next day she broke up with me and was onto someone else three weeks later. This is the same girl I was about to move in with as we had dated for two years and been best friends for 8. I miss her and was certainly broken hearted but now I see who she is, and it's unattractive.

 

She went from talking behind all of our mutual friends backs to trying to be there best friends over night. She contacted my family to try and save face and say she hoped for friendship in the future. Nothing she ever did was sincere. Well every single one of those people turned their back on her because they were realizing who she was. Everything she has done since that point has been super defensive. She has blamed me for her lost relationships which were all fake, just ways of showing that she had friends. She went off on facebook posting pictures of them and liking status' that I liked before her.

 

One week this summer I went on a trip with my family and she was originally invited, but broke up with me about 5 months before. Well I invited another friend who happened to be a girl, and that week, out of all weeks she contacted me about three times and my mother once(conincidence?) When I got back from vacation I broke NC for the first time in 5 months. I told her off because she was manipulating me and trying to control my feelings and I was not ok with that. And most recently, like a week ago, it would have been our anniversary, and she happens to write something on FB to get me thinking I presume.

 

Well, all of this said, she never gave for time to heal. She wanted to remain friends and pursue other avenues while keeping me as a crutch. She told me she had been over me for a while, but was trying to make me jealous every step of the way, and I was for a long time. Well, when I didn't give her the time of day she stepped up her efforts in everything she did to hurt my feelings, because in fact, I don't think she was completely over it, she just needed someone there. The worst part of all of this, the guy she started dating who I despise because he tried to break us up for the entire two years we were dating, I feel sorry for. She is using him to get back at me and he has not the slightest idea.

 

She has no idea the concept of love and only uses these people to boost her ego. I wish I had known earlier.

[feenyx]

I have a story. My last ex said that he was "not able to be alone" since day one. I wish I understood what it really meant. We had a few years running, lived together, and when we broke up it took me two weeks to move out.

 

Shortly after I moved out and settled in, I started dating, and after dating I progressed to being engaged.

 

In my case, I believe that the problem was that I did have low self-esteem while with my ex. I realized it was because he barely if never validated my self worth (ex. he didn't tell me that he loved me for 3+ years). At the time I thought that it is not his fault because I should've had good self-esteem to stay well. Once we broke up though, I felt really good. I felt ridiculously relieved. It took me time to realize it, but that's when I knew I did the right thing for me.

 

So in short rebounds, to me, is when a person cannot fathom being alone. Their low self-worth perpetuates into their partner, so it makes their partner question it. At first I thought that my ex was my rebound when I now realize I was his...and he is still stringing on relationships. But I realize that I am completely at peace at being alone, although people wouldn't believe me because I'm with someone right now...but it was one of the core requirements I had for someone I could be with. I had to make sure that if I were to be in a new relationship, it had to be someone who was happy being single as much as happy being with someone.

[Mesemene]

Though, you also have to consider this... someone moving on in a week or two, or a day or two even may not be a rebound in the typical sense. Some people are through with a relationship well before they 'officially' end it - they've checked out of the relationship and done their version of the grieving process while still having the emotional crutch of the other party. So, they may be able to move on to a new love in what seems like an inordinately short amount of time - in what appears to be a rebound but may not actually be.

 

I actually agree with this. You can be acknowledging that something isn't working, and grieving over it, while still technically in a relationship. Even though it was him who eventually left me, I know every time I suggested something to my ex to try and work things out, and he refused, it was a blow to me. It hurt like heck. I spent a lot of nights crying myself to sleep, wondering where he'd stormed off to, wondering if he was ok, wondering if I'd ever be ok - while we were still married and together. It still took me 2 years after the separation to be ready to get into a relationship since there was a lot of bruising during the separation - but where he was dating faster, he was dating and still talking out what went wrong with me, where I'd gone through the grieving stage and was well into the resentment and anger in those 6 months (the first six months after separating).

 

So in short rebounds, to me, is when a person cannot fathom being alone.

Kind of, or from my perspective, when the new relationship is being used as salvation, a "save me from me" cry. Someone going into a relationship expecting that the new person will heal their wounds from the one just left is asking for trouble - it's unbalanced by the nature of it, because one person is going in believing that they're partners, while the other is looking for a rescue from their own feelings.

 

It doesn't have to be conscious - I'd go so far to say that most people aren't uinkind enough to get into a relationship intending to use someone to make them feel better - but being unconscious doesn't make it balanced or healthy.

[endy]

I've always had an issue with this. NEVER being a dumper or dumpee have I ever dealt with grieving a relationship while in one. I don't even believe its possible for most people... Think of it this way, when you breakup with someone, or the relationship ends... HOW LONG does it REALLY take you to get over it?

 

Most of the time as a dumper you are still living with this person. There are still emotions and feelings to deal with when they are gone. I've seen this a lot explained by women. I'm not saying this is impossible, but I think really the healthy thing to do is to take your time, and make sure that you are not trying to mask the pain.

[Voodoodoll]

I don't agree with this.... I was in a relationship for 4 and a half years... We broke up....2 months later I kiss a guy at a club, he really really REALLY likes me, I didn't want anything serious, after our 3rd kiss he asked me to go steady, i said no just out of a long relationship plus this was a guy who never had a girlfriend, was a player, party animal kinda guy....

 

.never thought in a million years I'd ever go steady with him but that boy wanted me bad and tried so hard. 3 months after my 4 and a half year realtionship ended, I got with the guy I thought i never would have, and I fell so crazy in love with him, i was more in love with him than the last relationship, I have never felt that way about anyone, and to be honest the sad thing is i don't think I ever will again... it was intense, passionate, crazy love and I can't see having that again....

 

we ended 3 months ago, he had alochol issues, and mood swings, but this boy may have been a rebound at the start, just someone to talk to and have fun with, I gave this boy a chance and I will never regret it, he was the love of my life and If i can find anything half like that again, I'll be happy

[MarnDark]

Here's my story.

 

4 years ago I started dating my first girlfriend. We left high school and she went to a different college and we had a 1 year LDR. I eventually was able to transfer into that school, it wasn't just for her though. It's a very good school and a recognizable name but I would be lying if I said that she wasn't part of the reason. After 2 years we grew apart, she broke it off with me but my feeling were waning too, I have always told people that it felt more like a mutual break up. About 7 months before that I met a girl in the dorms I was staying in, she was attractive, very cool and we had very similar interests. Admittedly, I had a crush on her, but would absolutely never act on a crush when in a relationship. I would see her around but really tried to avoid her since I knew I liked her. About a month before my girlfriend and I broke up I started spending time with this girl, it was very light mostly included watching television shows but eventually we started talking more and more. I would tell her about all of the troubles in my current relationship and we would end up staying up all night talking. When my girlfriend had broken up with me I went to her to tell her about it. We hung out a lot that week. By next Sunday we were a couple.

 

She is the girl that brought me to this site. She broke up with me a month ago. We were together for 16 months. She was a rebound technically but our compatibility was the primary reason we got together so quickly. As the dumpee I did feel like I had more of a right to find happiness again, I knew this girl would make me happy and I opportunity was there. We always said how we both regretted not giving myself the time to grieve the relationship. Despite that, my love for her was much much greater than that of my first girlfriend.

 

Here's the kicker. She just started dating a new guy. 3 weeks after our relationship ended. She just met the guy the week we broke up. She swears that she did not leave me for him and that she did not like him until we broke up. She has told me a bit about the relationship. There sounds to be a bit of regret in accepting his offer to be his girlfriend. It doesn't sound like it will work out but what do I know? I was with her for 16 months after a 2 year relationship. No one wants to be alone.

[Lovealways2012]

I really like the ending that you added on to that. I just don't like how some people think you're just rebounding but not really in love....I need to tell my story. I has gone through a break up with my first love, and it was painful I thought I was going to die, then I met him, the love of my life. I loved him as soon as he comforted me the day after my break up by putting his arms around me and embracing me. This was my first time actually meeting him. I have seen him before in school. He worked his way into my heart that entire week. It never felt like a rebound. He listened to me talk about my ex and comforted me. Then, after 3 days of knowing me, he told me he liked me more than he's ever liked anyone this quickly, even though he knew I still loved my ex he said he just had to tell me. I told him I liked him to. We went out on a date the next day. It was my fairytale date, the one I had never had. The way he kissed me, the song "Today was a Fairytale" by Taylor Swift brings me back to that day. We didn't want anyone to know about us since school was almost let out for the summer and I didn't want the word rebounder hanging over my head because I knew how it looked but knew it wasn't how it looked. After a month we decided it was best to be friends cuz he was having rough times at home due to his parents recent divorce and I realized I wanted more time to heal. During the next school year on November 30th he told me he loved me, in love for the first time. I said it back and my supposed best friend made us fight and we didn't get back together instead we fought and didn't talk for 2 months and 21 days. What didnt help was he had just switched schools. When he contacted me again it was the most amazing feeling ever. We ended up getting back together during the summer. It lasted for about 3 months, then he felt bad about not showing up to something, so he got distant, so I ended it. He ended up admitting his fault and we ended up getting back together on December 26th 2011. It lasted for about 5 months and now I'm going away to college and he couldn't afford prom he didn't have any money to take me anywhere and he told me I deserve better and the fact he has no idea what he's doing next year. We r still best friends cuz we told each other a long time ago, after our fight, that we have to be in each others lives at least as friends. 2 weeks to one month was his average to longest relationship before me. He's my soulmate and I am his. We were each others longest relationship. Our love is different from what my first love with my about 4 month first boyfriend was. I couldn't ever stay friends with my first love. With my soulmate? Who knows maybe in a couple years everything will sort out and we can be together. Not everyone ends up with their soulmate but of course we wish each other the best. Even as friends, we balance each other out. He's bought out the wild side in me while I've brought out the calmness in him. I am dating someone new right now, even though it's been 2 months since I've been in a relationship it feels like a rebound. The one person who looked like a rebound ended up being the love of my life.