Did I ruin his life?...

[PrissyChrissy]

This is dramatic, and eventful. Thank you in advance to anyone who is willing to read this, and give me some advice that will may help me make some important decisions that will shape the rest of my life.

 

I am 19, and so is my boyfriend. We began dating two years ago long distance, with him in Nevada and myself in Oregon. Against all protests from my family, he moved to Oregon after 2 months of our relationship to see if I am "the one". He grew up in a very small town, with friends and family he has been with since he was born, and left everything he had grown to know to be with me, and do his senior year of high school at the giant school I went to. The culture shock was not as easy as he thought it would be. Since we have met, our lives have been in a whirlwind of drama with my family, but we have always had an incredibly deep connection with each other even though we are so very different, that we have fought through it and overcome many seemingly insurmountable obstacles with each other. We shared everything...

 

More recently:

I was ok with him selling drugs, specifically LSD and Molly (Ecstasy), which are hard drugs... After we got an apartment together, we were doing a lot of drugs and made friends with some people which led to us throwing frequent parties, yada yada. I had two jobs trying to support myself, and him while he was going to full time welding school (and couldn't find a job/didn't want to find a job while putting that many hours into school) and supporting my freeloading roommate on the lease. He wanted to visit his family, so was selling a lot more than usual to get the money because I wouldn't pay for it. He brought two really shady people into our apartment and they ended up deciding to rob him of his drugs, threatened us, and cornered us by the door. My boyfriend, frightened, and legitimately acting in self defense, hit both of them with a baseball bat. They both ended up in the hospital. He was put in jail, and I remained free because that night I admitted to what happened after being interrogated for several hours by detectives and police officers without a lawyer...

 

Well, in Oregon Assault 1 & 2 are a big deal. After 5 months of plea bargaining, he plead guilty to Attempted Assault 1 & 2, his earliest release date being in 4 & 1/2 years. I pled guilty to Attempted Possession of LSD, with a much lesser punishment. We were not able to speak to each other due to the co-defendant status for 7 months. During that time, I went through an incredibly "troubling" time... (I can barely imagine what he has been going through.) I was a shell of a person, would be the best way to describe it. I would not talk to anyone, I wouldn't eat (lost 25 lbs in 2 months, not an exaggeration), or do anything besides write in a journal addressed to him, and sleep. I was so miserable, and I resented my friends for asking me all these questions and reminding me of how awful I felt, that I ended up finding the company of a seasonal coworker about 3 months into his arrest. I was not attracted to him very much at all, he really isn't even the kind of person I would be friends with, but I suppose that isn't very odd, because I was not looking for a partner after all. I just wanted to distract myself from my life, and I had sex with him 4 times, I ended it very shortly after. I had never even inappropriately flirted with another guy before in any relationship, so this was definitely out of my character.

 

A couple months went by, and I was having second thoughts about waiting for my boyfriend. Before he was arrested, I was having some deep trust issues with him. And they were getting worse because we couldn't communicate. They evolved into be feeling I was unable to trust him in the future for anything but love. I was afraid that I would always end up supporting him because it would be really hard for him to find a job as an assault felon. I decided to leave him, and briefly dated another guy for two months. At the very end we were having sex, despite wanting to take things very slowly, and I broke it off with him because I am in love with my boyfriend, and I felt like what we had was very innapropriate because I was unable to formally break things off with my boyfriend, and I was not especially attracted to him, either. I simply did not know how to cope with being alone at that point, and combined with the lack of trust, I voluntarily fell into that relationship.

 

Finally, communication between my boyfriend and I has been reestablished. I was completely honest with him about what I did, with both of those guys, because I am an honest person and I want him to trust me again at some point. I don't even know how to describe what has happened between us since I told him... We can only communicate through letters at this point, and it has been very difficult to say the least. This last letter I received from him, he tells me again, that our relationship is ruined, and he will never be able to trust me as he did again, let alone anyone. And that he may love me more than any other person in the world, and will never love anyone as much as he loves me, but he also hates me just as much. He says he wants nothing more than to be with me, and to spend his life with me, and hear my voice, but at the same time, he never wants to speak to me, or see me again. He says I have taken everything away from him, and I "have been nothing but a horrible girlfriend". Not in the last two letters, but he has frequently been calling me a * * * * * and a * * * * , and that I should hate myself for what I did, and for how I have made him feel. He gave up his life in Nevada for me, and now he is in prison, for "protecting me", and I have betrayed him during the time he has needed me most.

 

I have been telling myself relentlessly that this will pass. Simply by being myself, I will be able to earn his trust once more, however fragile it may be, and he may be able to see me as the person I am. He is convinced that there is this deceptive dark side to me he never knew of before, and now he sees it. I don't know what to do. He will not budge, or concede to any mistakes he has made. I have admitted, over, and over, and over again that what I did was wrong, and and that I'm so sorry, and that I want to earn his forgiveness. That I want to wait for him, and I will do whatever it takes. I tell him that my mistakes do not define me, I am still the young woman he loves. But he says he will never forgive me, ever, and what we have is ruined, and it is all my fault... I have been compromising, I have been trying to be patient and as understanding as I can without compromising my own character and self esteem. I feel like he wants to break me of my self esteem, and make me believe that I am an awful person. But even if he succeeded, I don't believe that he would be satisfied. I try so hard to not take the things he says personally, and it is hard as he attacks my character, and makes himself out to be a victim of circumstance. He tells me that he has been nothing but a perfect boyfriend to me, and he doesn't understand how I could do this to him. I have spend so many pages, pages, and pages worth of letters explaining, re-explaining, and rewording why I did those things and how I enabled myself to do them. But it's like they make no difference at all... He is angry at me for being hurt and frustrated with the things he says. It is as if he is permitted to say anything he wants with no consequence at all, because what I did was infinitely worse than anything he could say.

 

I don't know how much longer I can handle this. I am out of tears. I have been seriously considering breaking things off. And not just going on a break. But for good. I would consider giving him another chance after he has been out of prison for a while, but form the things he has been telling me of our future as a couple, if we break up it is going to be permanent. I feel so guilty... I feel as though I have ruined his life, and it IS all my fault. I am afraid that if I stay with him though, that I will lose any confidence in myself as a person. I am afraid of coming out of this with no self esteem... I have been going to drug counseling and some therapy since my conviction, and I feel miles ahead of him in personal growth, and I don't want to lose it. Am I being selfish? Perhaps I am, but sometimes selfish doesn't have to be all bad, right? I am so confused. I don't want to wait for him because I feel guilty, that would ultimately be altruistic. I love him, but this is unhealthy. I don't know what I ought to do... What if I'm right, and this really is a phase? And I leave him, ruining the last chance we have at being together... Am I fighting a losing battle? If our relationship doesn't work, should I still be encouraging him while he is in prison?

[DN]

He didn't protect you - he put you in incredible danger and you wound up in a lot of trouble. This guy is bad news and you are better off without him by far. I doubt you will accept that but I had to say it anyway.

[PrissyChrissy]

I have been told this by so many people around me... And I came to this forum because I wanted some impartial advice. (Even if the advice may be slightly biased because I am the one making the post after all.) But I appreciate your words no matter what they are...

 

Do you think I should still write to him while he is in prison? I have a very good relationship with his sister and his mother, and I talk to his friends a lot, letting them know how to write him letters and send him books. I don't want to abandon him.

[Capricorn3]

I don't think you ruined his life - he did that all on his own. We are all responsible for our own actions.

 

I don't think you should continue communicating with him anymore. I would cut all ties - permanently and move on with my life, hopefully making a complete turn around for the better. That said, you already say you don't want to "abandon him", which indicates that you will continue with this guy, which is rather unfortunate (imo). I can only wish you all the best.

[PrissyChrissy]

I feel like I am approaching being ready to cut these ties. I know I deserve to be happy, and he makes me far from happy anymore... My life has changed quite a bit for the better and I am happy with myself though. However, I have all his belongings. I have all these gifts that he made, and bought for me, I have all these things that remind me of our journeys together. I don't know how I would go about putting them away, or where they should go...

[Mesemene]

Wow... just wow. Did you do drugs, or have much to do with them, before he moved to your area to be with you? Or was this a new experience for you?

 

I ask because I would never accept hard drugs into my home, not even from my family. I just can't see putting yourself and people you profess to love in the danger of arrest, murder, assault, and other crimes for money. Money, though some is necessary, is replaceable. Life isn't.

 

Either way, you didn't ruin his life, he did that without any assistance. And you almost ruined yours. You're VERY lucky neither of you got hit on distribution charges, or you wouldn't be posting, you'd be doing hard time, both of you. I hope you're steering clear of them now.

 

Even in the BEST circumstances, 4-1/2 years would be a LONG wait when you're a college student. In that time, you'd graduate and be working. I really hope the whole experience has given you some perspective on life in general to make the best of it!

[confused1607307390]

ok, you didn't ruin his life in anyway. he chose to move for you an dleave his family. he chose to support himself by selling drugs instead of getting a job, plenty of people work and go to college, he invited these bad people into your home an put you in danger, he may twist it to say he was protecting you, but in reality he brought the danger in in the first place. he is beatin gyou down emotionally and imo sounds like a very manipulative immature man. i understand you feel guilty and have feelings for him, but don't let everything he is making you believe was your fault make you put him on a pedastal, you dont owe anyone your life and by waiting for him for 4 1/2 years that is basically what you are giving up for him. and even if he hadn tbeen arrested you would most likely have supported him financially forever anyway, being involved with selling drugs only gets worse with time, it deepens and takes control. you're only 19 years old and very easily could have faced doing hard time, don't throw away your life, imo i think you should cut all ties, he is not your responsibility nor is any of it your fault we all make our own decisions no one forces us to do these things, by the time he gets out you could be high flying in a settled career with a wonderful boyfriend who will really protect you and not break down your confidence,only build it. also would like to add, you run the risk of ruining every other relationship you hold dear, friends family, all for someone who, if the past has anything to with the future, will just end up ruining your life. i think you know what you should but he is getting into your head and manipulating it, guilt is a very manipulative thing, i just hope you do the right thing, best of luck x

[UniqueSoul]

I think you can do better than this guy.

 

i agree. you were given a second chance. take it.

however, i see two sides of the story. Maybe when he gets out he will be different, just like you. i would keep on focusing on you, and not a man. see what happens. let life roll