What to do when girlfriend is an attention seeker?

[Snowy]

So my girlfriend is atttractive and random guys occasionally hit on her. I don't have a problem with that. But isn't it wrong to want so much attention from guys even though she's got a boyfriend?

 

Of course, when I ask her, she says she rejects all those guys, but it sometimes feels like she's is trying to make me jealous.

 

Now specifically, there is this one guy who started off as her friend but has been pursuing her for a relationship for a LONG time now. He clearly knows that she is in a relationship but still continue to SHOWER her with attention. I mean, if another guy likes my girlfriend, I can't stop that right? BUT I think my girlfriend likes the ego boost she gets from his attention, therefore she still talks to him and she's just keeping him there because she likes the attention. I know full well that he calls my girlfriend regularly and she also picks up to talk to him. She has made it very clear to the guy that she doesn't want a relationship with him but she doesn't seem to want to get rid of him either.

 

She obviously doesn't want me to know that she talks to him over the phone because sometimes when I touch her phone, she would snatch it back IMMEDIATELY and not let me see it, her excuse being, "I don't have anything to hide. I just don't like other people looking through my stuff". But I know she's hiding her call logs. It makes me feel like I'm being cheated on and very insecure.

 

Seriously, what can I do? If I confront her about this, she'll just deny everything and tell me there's nothing she can do and blame everything on the guy.

[jaysmaury]

If I confront her about this, she'll just deny everything and tell me there's nothing she can do and blame everything on the guy.

 

You got that right, amigo. At least you are smart - you see what is happening for what it is and are being very reasonable about it. I've had a few gf's that did the EXACT same thing. They love the ego boost. At the end of the day, she cares more about herself than you. Hard for me to judge her, though, since most guys (including myself) are the same way. You can try to put a stop to it, but it won't change who she is. Might just not be the right girl for you.

[DN]

Yes, I agree she may not be a good fit. However, if you do decide you can't tolerate the behaviour you should give her an opportunity to alter it.

[Fudgie]

That's really bothersome. It sounds like she does enjoy the attention. I doubt she's cheating on you but it's not nice to you for her to be basically stringing this guy along.

 

My boyfriend and I agreed that we wouldn't develop regular friendships/outings with people who keep flirting/hitting on us. The person needs to get the message that it's NOT okay and it's not fair to your partner to keep indulging that want for attention.

[In the Dark]

I'd say the attention from more than one guy is her ego boost.

For whatever reason you are not enough.

 

I guess this can be a cause of concern for you but I believe she is going to continue to do it whether you like it or not because she feels she needs it.

[Snowy]

Yes, I agree she may not be a good fit. However, if you do decide you can't tolerate the behaviour you should give her an opportunity to alter it.

 

That's really bothersome. It sounds like she does enjoy the attention. I doubt she's cheating on you but it's not nice to you for her to be basically stringing this guy along.

 

My boyfriend and I agreed that we wouldn't develop regular friendships/outings with people who keep flirting/hitting on us. The person needs to get the message that it's NOT okay and it's not fair to your partner to keep indulging that want for attention.

 

How do I exactly tell her this?

 

She'll just deny everything.

[Fudgie]

You need to tell her that you find this disrespectful and ask her to stop. It hurts your feelings. How would SHE feel if YOU were always calling a girl who was always flirting with you? Flip the scenario onto her and see how she likes it.

[Snowy]

You need to tell her that you find this disrespectful and ask her to stop. It hurts your feelings. How would SHE feel if YOU were always calling a girl who was always flirting with you? Flip the scenario onto her and see how she likes it.

 

What if she denies it?

 

It's like a lose-lose situation for me. If I don't confront her, this thing will just continue. If I do confront her, she'll just deny everything and do it behind my back anyway.

[Fudgie]

There's nothing to "deny". You can clearly see what she's doing and it's disrespectful to you.

 

It may be time to rethink the relationship if she is disregarding your feelings this way. I would tell her that - and act on it.

[DN]

Agreed - don't accept her denial just tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable.

[staycaptive]

As a female myself I can tell you the thing about the phone is just how use young ones are.

I hate my phone being touched by anyone else, hence why I have a lock on it so people cannot get into it.

Not because I have anything to hide because quite frankly I don't. It's just a prinicple of trust and privacy.

So only if she used to be okay with you going thru her phone and now isn't then you should be suspicious of that.

 

As for the attention seeking, it's an ego boost. Some girls do have confidence issues and so forth and need the help, other girls just like the attention. I personally think she appreciates the attention he gives her but she's made it clear to him she's not wanting anything else off him.

 

I don't think she's cheating. Sometimes, what is happening can happen because said person isn't enitrely happy with the relationship and make use it as escape from the reality of her own relationship. Your best option is to sit her down and ask why she does it, however you've said she will simply deny cheating and you won't believe her, which begs the question, why are you bothering with someone who clearly you don't trust?

[Snowy]

I've told her about my insecurities before and she has agreed that I can look at her phone from now on. But just yesterday, she snatched it off me.

 

I'm also pretty sure she doesn't have confidence issues. She's hot and she knows it. I complement her looks too. Is my attention not enough?

 

Why do I bother? Honestly, I don't know.

 

I think I'm too nice of a guy.

[Snowy]

I really can't be bothered to go through a break up.

[petite]

I think liking attention is one thing but letting it cause issues in the relationship is not ok. Her attitude is selfish and she is only thinking about herself.

If my fiance was talking to a girl he knew liked him and wanted something with him I'd be out immediately, that's a deal breaker for me, and I don't trust people with one foot out.

 

Its better going through a breakup then being with someone that is being so disrespectful. I don't see anything wrong with you touching her phone, I'm not saying that you should snoop, but her reacting the way she does and taking it away from you is bothersome. I wouldn't be okay with that.

 

She needs to respect you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I really can't be bothered to go through a break up.

 

That's your choice...the alternative is to continue staying with a woman who has an over-inflated ego and disrespects the relationship she has with her boyfriend. Personally, I would choose to break up with someone who didn't think attention from me was enough for them and needed to encourage romantic attentions from others. What she is doing is emotional cheating...getting a thrill out of someone else's interest in her and encouraging it to continue so that she can feed her ego. A person can't control another person's feelings of interest...but what they can do is control how they react to it. The fact that the guy still continues to express interest means that while her spoken words to him are that she is not interested...her behaviour and actions show that she is. Mixed messages. When someone is interested, if they get positive encouraging actions, they will continue to pursue in the hopes that one day the words will match the actions. There are also plenty of men who encourage the attentions of other women despite being in a relationship.

[xyzzzz]

my bf used to talk to lots of girls in a way i see is flirting. "hey beautiful" or "your pic is hot" it brought me lots of struggles,insecurities and paranoid times. i never had trust issues until this one. i have to say such behavior by him is very harmful and messes up my mentality. so OP i dont think you should let it go if you plan to stay with her. my bf eventually changed for me. he has now stopped all that crap.

also there are guys hitting on me and one particular sends me very explicit messages. of course my bf is furious when he saw them and i also said to that guy i wouldnt cheat on my bf but he continued. i just had to block that dude. although i enjoy his attention but its just not worth it if i had to lose my bf's.

[Snowy]

I think liking attention is one thing but letting it cause issues in the relationship is not ok. Her attitude is selfish and she is only thinking about herself.

If my fiance was talking to a girl he knew liked him and wanted something with him I'd be out immediately, that's a deal breaker for me, and I don't trust people with one foot out.

 

Its better going through a breakup then being with someone that is being so disrespectful. I don't see anything wrong with you touching her phone, I'm not saying that you should snoop, but her reacting the way she does and taking it away from you is bothersome. I wouldn't be okay with that.

 

She needs to respect you.

 

Yeah, I don't even need to snoop. Her reactions tell me straightaway what she has to hide.

 

That's your choice...the alternative is to continue staying with a woman who has an over-inflated ego and disrespects the relationship she has with her boyfriend. Personally, I would choose to break up with someone who didn't think attention from me was enough for them and needed to encourage romantic attentions from others. What she is doing is emotional cheating...getting a thrill out of someone else's interest in her and encouraging it to continue so that she can feed her ego. A person can't control another person's feelings of interest...but what they can do is control how they react to it. The fact that the guy still continues to express interest means that while her spoken words to him are that she is not interested...her behaviour and actions show that she is. Mixed messages. When someone is interested, if they get positive encouraging actions, they will continue to pursue in the hopes that one day the words will match the actions. There are also plenty of men who encourage the attentions of other women despite being in a relationship.

 

Thank you for your profound insights.

 

my bf used to talk to lots of girls in a way i see is flirting. "hey beautiful" or "your pic is hot" it brought me lots of struggles,insecurities and paranoid times. i never had trust issues until this one. i have to say such behavior by him is very harmful and messes up my mentality. so OP i dont think you should let it go if you plan to stay with her. my bf eventually changed for me. he has now stopped all that crap.

also there are guys hitting on me and one particular sends me very explicit messages. of course my bf is furious when he saw them and i also said to that guy i wouldnt cheat on my bf but he continued. i just had to block that dude. although i enjoy his attention but its just not worth it if i had to lose my bf's.

 

Well I think it's good that you and your bf have been able to overcome issues of this kind. I really hope my gf can change too.

[penelope13]

I really can't be bothered to go through a break up.

 

If that is your stance - then it'll be a lost cause to try to negotiate a change with her.

 

I am not sure how long you have been dating, but assume you are still in the phase where you are getting to know each other more and more and where you both should try to figure out if this is really someone worth investing your time and energy in. You can only go through this process properly, if you are willing to walk away in case the other person doesn't fulfill one of your boundaries.

 

However, if you don't respect yourself enough to uphold your own values and boundaries - don't expect someone else to do it for you.

 

You can't go into a relationship with the expectation that it's the other person's responsibility entirely to make sure that YOUR boundaries are met - it's a two way street. Firstly you have to express what it is you want in a relationship, i.e. give the person the chance to show if they want the same, but if they don't want to or can't - you need to step away.

[Snowy]

Thank you very much, I will keep that in mind.

[Snowy]

An update: we just broke up.

 

Turns out she lied to me earlier on.

 

I will move on. Any words of encourage would be appreciated.

[In the Dark]

From the past threads about this girl , she is flaky anyway.

Nothing really lost unless you need to have sex as you did.

[DN]

Sorry about that - what did she lie about?

 

You will do better.

[guynextdoor]

What did she lie about? I'm sorry about the break up.

[staycaptive]

An update: we just broke up.

 

Turns out she lied to me earlier on.

 

I will move on. Any words of encourage would be appreciated.

 

I'm sorry to hear hunny *hugs*

But it is for the best, you really don't need to be with a girl like that.

 

Give yourself time, don't beat yourself up about what has happened and keep yourself busy.

Don't force yourself to do anything, just let nature take it's course with healing.

 

If you ever need someone to take to, just message me

[Stay_home]

She just doesn't like a very good pick for you.