Interested in more than one person, how do you leave a door open to go back?

[sweetpie]

In online dating, its quite common to get in touch with a man who is also in touch with several other women. He automatically tends to rank them in terms of priority to meet/speed up things with. He just never tells you that you rank lower than the other. He starts reducing the time he gives you, gradually or suddenly. Then one day he just vanishes without any notice (I assume that at this point he is working on the higher rank applicants). Suddenly he reappears, starts contacting you, provides no explanation for vanishing, acts like nothing is wrong (Clearly he wanted things to work with other high priority women, but that didn't work and now he is wanting to give me a chance). You are obviously thinking "why did he vanish in first place? and since he vanished without saying anything before, why should I spend any more time on him now? he may very well vanish again."

 

My friend suggests that if they come back, I should still talk to them decently since I don't have anything going at this time either. I expect him to be honest with me and tell me that he was trying to make things work with other women, but nothing worked and he wants to see if anything would work with me. Then I thought to myself, wait a second, would I really like to know directly that he wanted to make things work with other women for whatever reason, didn't want to give me a shot then, but now he wants to?

 

What should a man do if they want to leave a door open to come back to this girl?

If you are a woman, how would you like for a man to handle this so when he knocks on your door again (months later), you still give him a chance?

If you are a man and a woman did this to you, how would you like her to approach you this time around so she sounds genuine and you give her a chance?

[blueidealist24]

If I thought a man had done this, I probably wouldn't give them a chance unless I thought they were like the man of my dreams or something. That's why I don't do online dating, because it seems like it's like you're no one special and they can just click on someone else. I guess a man or woman could use an excuse that they were busy with work, but I'm not sure if everyone would buy it. I would probably at least consider that they were lying, since I know the customs and mechanics of online dating. I've never done it but I have friends who have, and I go on the POF forums just to read stuff even though I don't have an account on there.

[Jetta]

Well I normally wouldn't give the guy a chance if he vanishes for months, but it really depends on the guy. I'm not partial to on-line dating but haven't met anyone in real life lately so like many others am on-line I'm looking and dating. Truthfully a guy who vanishes and returns isn't going to be on my favorite list that's for sure.

 

 

 

 

 

l I y t e e y a e f e s r , t t y s n e .

[DN]

I think there can be a lot of reasons why someone might disappear.

[Mesemene]

It would depend on a lot of things.

 

How many dates did we go on? Did I feel there was enough chemistry to find this guy interesting? Did we seem to have enough in common to have some fun finding out?

 

If we only went on a date or two, casual meets, maybe a few casual convos or texts? If the rest was positive, sure. For all I know, he had a busy season at work, had a friend or family member who took priority over dating, or only has time for a date or two in any week and was giving any of the responders he felt were a good match a fair shake before deciding who of his prospects were worth a serious look.

 

If we'd been hot and heavy for a month or two and he vanishes - I'd probably be a lot more cautious, just because I'd be looking for better communication than that, even without "commitment" per se. "Hey I know we've been seeing a lot of each other, but I have a project due in 3 weeks, and I'll be working frantically til it's submitted," doesn't take much effort. And hot/cold/hot/cold rollercoaster rides have no appeal for me at my age, either.

[sweetpie]

Thank you for all the responses.

I'm not talking about "dates". I'm only talking about talking online, video chatting, talking on phone... but very regularly for 2-3 months and then reducing contact, then vanishing acts, then suddenly appearing like nothing went wrong.

[Ms Darcy]

For me, I don't think it's wise to invest 2-3 months chatting with someone without meeting them. I would rather meet to determine the chemistry sooner rather than later, so you can figure out if a relationship is something you both want to pursue.

[sweetpie]

Thank you Ms Darcy

[petite]

It depends how far the conversation and getting-to-know you went. If you were discussing plans to meet and he just vanished then that would be a different story than just exchanging messages and him disappearing. Of course it would be polite for him or her to let the person in question know they wont be active on the site, but there really isn't an obligation unless there were concrete plans to actually meet. I agree with Ms Darcy on the time frame though, 2-3 months does seem quite a while to invest into someone without meeting them.

[sweetpie]

There were plans to meet. He suggested a date when he would fly here, but then he didn't follow through.

[Mesemene]

Did he contact you in between times to keep the communication flowing?

 

If he was suggesting flying there, gave dates, and then just poofed - I think I'd be saying "next please!" It would show at the very least, to me, a lack of courtesy to let you know what's up.