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I'm not sure if I should hate my boyfriend!

macbook

By macbook
in Relationship Advice

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macbook Newbie

macbook

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I don't understand my boyfriend. He's the wierdest person ever. He used to do drugs but he's not a bad guy. I know, that's what they all say. But we we're really in love. Anyway. He's been in and out of my life the past year because of his addiction. But when he's in my life he's like the most normal person ever. You wouldn't even know that he struggles in life because of how in control of himself he seems. So this time he came back and I told him that we're over because I was too hurt by his disappearance and wanted stability and RESPECT. So I'm trying to move on and cuz I just can't deal with the drama his life used to bring to mine (not calling for days, etc). He doesn't want me to leave him. But instead of apologizing or something - he's acting all prideful. As if it doesn't bother him that I let him go. But then he sends me emails at 2AM saying how much he misses me and loves me. I don't get it!!

 

We used to always talk about getting in shape together and doing a bunch of positive things. And since the last time he left - I'm doing great! I am in great physical shape and I feel so alive. He wants to join me and there is apart of me that thinks, well there is no harm in doing that because it would be good for him...and I wouldn't mind the company. We could do all the outdoor activities we used to say we wanted to do. He used to be REALLY physically fit and so did I along time ago. We used to always want to go hiking and stuff but when we were dating we kinda got stuck in a rut.

 

So here is my point. I obviously know if I agree to hang out with him in this new, fun way - we're gonna feel the love again. And apart of me doesn't mind becuase I adore him. He is the only man that makes me nervous and feel funny in my stomach. But the other part of me (my inner protector) is like NO. Don't let him walk into your life again - learn from your past mistakes! He could get up and leave you again the minute he feels overwhelmed with life.

 

He's been to rehab several times in life - even in the past few months. So I don't know - maybe he really is doing better and we have a shot again. I want to believe him but I'm so afraid of getting hurt again. Even though I know he loves me very deeply...

 

I don't want to give up but I also don't want to start drawing too much hope either! I wish I could just hate him and feel disgust for his behaviour but I don't! I miss him everyday and dream about us kissing and making love nearly every other hour...Help!

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Allipie Enthusiast

Allipie

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RUN. run far away and never look back.

I used to date an addict and it was the worst time of my life. Addicts are a breath away from relapse....do you really want that stress on you?

I'm sure he's a great guy; my ex was great too, but if your bf has been in rehab in the past few months, he shouldn't be dating ANYONE at all right now. In fact, he shouldn't be dating anyone for a year after he's out of rehab. He needs to work on himself and his recovery. YOU are a distraction to his recovery.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but I went through hell.

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blackhawks1287 Contributor

blackhawks1287

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Obama thought he would be able to change America, is your situation any different?

 

Do you really want to invest your time, love and energy into something that you want to change, or simply move on and find something that just is, love someone for them, not for the change they can make or the person they can be.

 

You sound young, stay away from him, take time for yourself, you don't have to hate him, love him for the experience as he did not betray you or cheat on you. Granted he has not been the best BF because of his addiction, that just means he cannot handle the mature relationship you seek.

 

Be single, be alone, try not to open such emails and try to live your life without him for a while. Date around and see new people that may or may not be a better or worse fit.

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Tryla Newbie

Tryla

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id say give him another chance just because me and my boyfriend went down the same route we were both into drugs badly but ileft him to my family to try n "recover" but really coldnt stand it it was so hard i just wanted to go back to drugs and i was so down cuz i missed him so much and what made me really recover was when i left my family and moved out with him away from are city, no rehab we both got clean together and are now living the best life together and for our relationship it just made us so much stronger,

 

So why not give him another chance if he leaves again then that should be the cut off cuz the reason why i left him in frst place was because i wanted to go back to drugs but loves so much stronger and he obviously needs your sopport if you guys do have that connectiong then thats why hes trying to get your help

 

 

j/w what drugs did he get into?

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ambigram Rookie

ambigram

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I agree to a point....Just because someone has an addiction doesn't mean that they won't eventually kick it....Everybody kicks addictions one day or they die...Period...You could very well end up being the reason why he kicks his habit. And despite what some people may tell you it's not always about kicking an addiction for yourself.Tons of people kick addictions because they don't want to lose love...If your heart can take another chance,and it sounds to me as if it can,then go for it....Or you can listen to others and eventually wind up with some chump that doesn't give you butterflies...LOL...You know what you must do....Do it....

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ambigram Rookie

ambigram

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LOL..What? This was a thread started by a girl that loves a boy. A girl that loves a boy that has an addiction to something. This girl loves this boy and that boy gives her butterflies. She was wondering if she should give him one more chance and there were a few(not all),people like you that were saying to write him off as spent and gone.My comments about Steve Earle were about someone that's kicked an addiction and is now leading a happy,productive life...It does happen sister...

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ambigram Rookie

ambigram

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He's STILL an addict. Just the past few months he's been in rehab? Relapsing? Forget it, this guy is bad news. What's he on....crack? meth? heroin? All of those have EXTREMELY high relapse rates. You're pretty much guaranteed to get burned again.

 

Just run.

Wow...I wonder what would have happened if everyone that knows you told your man to ,just run...I guess you'd be alone...
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ambigram Rookie

ambigram

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There is no reason to think that her boyfriend is anything other than a full blown addict. If the guy was showing some degree of success in beating his addiction then I can see why you would post a success story but there is none of that. There is NO reason to think he's going anywhere except from bad to worse.

 

And your proof is based on what??

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Fudgie Grand Master

Fudgie

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Wow...I wonder what would have happened if everyone that knows you told your man to ,just run...I guess you'd be alone...

 

In terms of dealing with an addiction, then yes.

 

I don't know what you're smoking here but your advice is not sage.

 

This boy has an addiction. Who cares if he gives her butterflies? That is not a reason to stay. Should you stay with a cheating boyfriend because he gives you butterflies? Or an abusive one? That makes no sense.

 

She is risking her health and sanity by staying with an addict. Depending on the drug, he will probably relapse. I'm telling her not to waste her time.

 

And yes, she SHOULD just run. If I knew her in person, I'd tell her that too.

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ambigram Rookie

ambigram

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If we take her post at face value, he's a drug addict and has been disappearing for days and has been in and out of rehab this entire past year right up until very recently. There is no evidence presented that he has improved in any way, shape or form therefore it must be surmised that he is still a drug addict with little to no chance of turning it around anytime soon like the guy in your success story.
Ok...I can agree with you there...BUT.....What if that dude that gives her butterflies decides finally to give up the ghost for his love for her? What if her saying that she's going to go away for good causes him to get help and quit? Doesn't give him one last chance... She could very well end up with some hairy backed,bald headed dude that doesn't give her butterflies....You do know about butterflies,right?
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ambigram Rookie

ambigram

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In terms of dealing with an addiction, then yes.

 

I don't know what you're smoking here but your advice is not sage.

 

This boy has an addiction. Who cares if he gives her butterflies? That is not a reason to stay. Should you stay with a cheating boyfriend because he gives you butterflies? Or an abusive one? That makes no sense.

 

She is risking her health and sanity by staying with an addict. Depending on the drug, he will probably relapse. I'm telling her not to waste her time.

 

And yes, she SHOULD just run. If I knew her in person, I'd tell her that too.

Sage is a spice....Not a Drug...I know because I'm a great cook and for the record a recovering addict for years....I really like this forum and frequent it often. Kind of ticks me off though sometimes when I see people giving advice based on some dumb American stat sheets....
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Fudgie Grand Master

Fudgie

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ambigram,

 

Butterflies are a biological reaction when you're attracted to someone. They typically wear off a bit as a relationship continues and gets more comfortable.

 

We can fall in love with lots of people. She is settling by dating a non-treated DRUG ADDICT. Butterflies are not worth that. she can get them with someone else who will be better for her than this guy who clearly isn't sober yet.

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Fudgie Grand Master

Fudgie

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Sage is a spice....Not a Drug...I know because I'm a great cook and for the record a recovering alcoholic for years....I really like this forum and frequent it often. Kind of ticks me off though sometimes when I see people giving advice based on some dumb American stat sheets....

 

Sage is another word for "wise". Look it up.

 

Congrats on kicking the bottle. I can understand your stance more now because you yourself were an addict. However, if you were NOT treated and still were drinking, would you think it would be okay for someone to be with you? Would that be healthy?

 

And what if this man is not abusing alcohol, but rather, meth or heroin, with higher relapse rates, sometimes as high as 80%? That's an 80% chance of failure, if you know what I mean. These drugs are VERY potent.

 

She needs to stay away from him for at least 1-2 years until he's CLEAN and has been clean for over a year.

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ambigram Rookie

ambigram

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I know about butterflies. They stay away from addicts. Probably because they don't want to get caught in the crossfire when the crack pipe explodes.

 

Babe...that there tells me you don't know about butterflies....If you have the ability to allow your head to rule over your heart then you have no idea about butterflies.....Just sayin'..........

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ambigram Rookie

ambigram

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Sage is another word for "wise". Look it up.

 

Congrats on kicking the bottle. I can understand your stance more now because you yourself were an addict. However, if you were NOT treated and still were drinking, would you think it would be okay for someone to be with you? Would that be healthy?

 

And what if this man is not abusing alcohol, but rather, meth or heroin, with higher relapse rates, sometimes as high as 80%? That's an 80% chance of failure, if you know what I mean. These drugs are VERY potent.

 

She needs to stay away from him for at least 1-2 years until he's CLEAN and has been clean for over a year.

 

I don't need to look it up....Give me thyme to get my thoughts together....She needs to stay away for years? Are you kidding me??

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blackhawks1287 Contributor

blackhawks1287

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Ambigram, the point of these forums is to be as objective as possible. I get your point of view, but it is too subjective.

 

So we are all proud that you yourself have recovered for years, but this girl and this person she loves has not been so lucky to even half a fraction of your recovery.

 

He as of right now, is still an addict. When he is out of rehab, frees himself of his addiction fully and is in the healthiest state physically and mentally should he be given another chance.

 

Not now...not while he is fresh out or still in rehab. She needs to stay away.

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browneyedgirl36 Rising Star

browneyedgirl36

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Sage is a spice....Not a Drug...I know because I'm a great cook and for the record a recovering addict for years....I really like this forum and frequent it often. Kind of ticks me off though sometimes when I see people giving advice based on some dumb American stat sheets....

 

She meant "sage" as in "wise" -- possessing wisdom. I was going to respond with some helpful advice, but once I read this post and got to the "dumb American stat sheets" part, this "dumb American" decided to keep her advice to herself...

 

I hope it all works out for her. I agree with the other posters that he needs to be fully recovered before anything happens, between them.

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ambigram Rookie

ambigram

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She meant "sage" as in "wise" -- possessing wisdom. I was going to respond with some helpful advice, but once I read this post and got to the "dumb American stat sheets" part, this "dumb American" decided to keep her advice to herself...

 

I hope it all works out for her. I agree with the other posters that he needs to be fully recovered before anything happens, between them.

 

Yup...That had been determined many posts ago.....(tongue in cheek much?)

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