Confused, never been close to a girl

[Eldebryn]

It took me a lot of courage to post here, I never talk about such personal matters with friends or family.

 

About me, I am 19, going to be 20 in half a year and I am just starting my 2nd year in the university. I guess that's why I often feel confused,A nervous or stressed these past few months. I study computer science and I guess you could call me a regular geek. I like computers, games, fantasy and sci-fi movies, books, metal music. I accept my hobbies fully and I almost feel sorry for those people out there that "go with the flow", part of the mainstream that seem to not be able to establish their interests due to them looking alternative or odd to others. When I see such a person I am not particularly interested in forming a close relationship, friendly or not, and that has made my case worse I think.

I generally hang out with no more than 5-8 people, I rarely maintain contact with individuals beyond that 'circle', which changes with the years. I don't think I am antisocial or agoraphobic. I just think I am pretty introvert, I may think of a hundred things and only one of them ever reaches my social surroundings. I consider myself kind enough, I don't want to hurt people and I try not to. Even though I am smart with an IQ above the average and I like being serious and mature, I often find myself participating in humor and funny situatuations, using them as an escape to ease my social contact with others, sometimes even leading me to assume the "jester" role in a group. My self-confidence is not good either especially towards other, it never was as far as I remember, even though I was a pretty good student and I am near the top among my peer regarding my computer-related skills and knowledge. I am also very unobservant, especially with people, to the extend of looking naive at times. I regularly am quite oblivious to my surrounding, deep in my own thoughts until someone talks to me or draws my attention.

 

As for my actual problem, I have never been anywhere close to a girl. No relationship, no sex, no dates. Not even flirt or any special connection to someone. I often catch myself thinking about that and how I may never be ready or capable of those things and feel like I am lacking somewhere, it feels awful at times. I know I like girls and not guys, but when I am attracted to a girl I feel really nervous when being close to or thinking of her, at least those few I seemed to like in the past. My standards are not high, often a person's personality means more to me than her appearance, especially if I happen to know her better. I know am not that good-looking myself, I have a few extra pounds but I see people who are no better than me, physically or personality-wise, and that confuses me even more. Many of my friends have never had a relationship either, but when they seem so 'active' and always checking out on the girls that pass by, talking about them. expressing interest on the opposite gender. I am usually much more passive, avoiding such conversations, maybe because I over-think this matter, like I usually do with all my problems. I can't even imagine myself being casual about important issues like relationships and I always get stressed with them. Last time I tried asking a girl, whom I liked for some weeks, out for a coffee it took me a few hours of repeated thinking and extreme stress just to make a failed half-decent attempt.

 

 

I really struggled for over an hour to manage to post all that and I just hope it helps me or reliefs me in some way...

What do you think?

[Wager]

Hello, Eldebryn, and welcome to ENA.

 

I am not sure what question you are posing, here, which seems a reasonable thing to clarify before I rush in, trying to answer it. How to meet girls? How to improve your self-confidence? How to get Firefly back on the air?

 

In general, you sound like a nice enough guy, with some promising attributes and pleasant characteristics. Your experience with dating is not as uncommon as you may think (a brief amount of poking about these forums can assure you of that, if you're keen), and unless you go out of your way to remain aloof and unreachable, your circumstances will likely change before your college years are done. For the better or for the worse depends on far too many unknown variables to be worth speculating about at this point, but either way, it should be interesting.

 

Is there something specific you would like addressed? Or did you simply wish to vent a bit, and see your thoughts in black and white (which is usually a worthwhile endeavor, in and of itself)? I can usually weigh in with an opinion, or an anecdote, a link or reference, or, if all else fails, a knock knock joke, and if I can be of help, I'd be happy to try.

 

Best of luck to you!

 

Wager

[Eldebryn]

I guess the reason there is no clear question here is because I can't even seem to pinpoint that question.

Am I doing something or is there something I should do? Is there reasoning behind me being so worried about it? I sometimes think it's healthy to ask myself these questions, while other times I feel guilty and stupid.

 

I am not excluding discussion or answers. I feel pretty confused and I suppose anything could help at this point. I also wonder if I am just not good with people and if my lack of relationships is connected to this. I don't generally avoid people and often I try to be with others, though sometimes I end up being too passive in a group, or even being defensive,distant or uncomfortable.

 

I have only attempted to be more than friends with someone only twice in my life with zero progress.

 

I appreciate your help and answers.

[Wager]

Before I address this post as a whole, I would like to inquire as to why wondering about it causes you to feel stupid and guilty. I do not want to simply pat you on your head with a “there, there,” and this confuses me. I would like to understand your thinking. However, and with the caveat that balance is key in all things, I cannot imagine you would be stupid or should feel guilty for engaging in introspection and self-assessment. On the contrary, I think it is quite healthy and worth your time for a variety of reasons.

 

As far as your current situation, let’s look at a few things: what is your goal, what are you doing to achieve it and what are you doing to potentially get in your own way?

 

I’m presuming your goal is to meet new friends and find romantic interests. You likely have a chicken-versus-the-egg quandary happening as to whether you will need more self-esteem and confidence to accomplish this, or if those things will come as a result of fulfilling this aspiration. What are the aspects of your personality that you do feel comfortable with and proud of? Which are the characteristics you feel may hold you back?

 

What are you doing to meet people? Have you tried exploring your options in the virtual world, such as forums and open blogs relating to an interest of yours? How about a subject you are well-versed in, and can lend your expertise to, in order to benefit others and strike up a connection at the same time? Or the reverse, a topic that interests you but which you know nothing about, and can use as a foundation for meeting others in order to garner more information on the matter? Have you considered or attempted online dating?

 

And then the physical world – do you belong to any groups? Can you? Same starter ideas as above, pick something you are familiar with and help others, or seek help for something that is as yet foreign to you. Do you get out often? Go to nightclubs, student hang-outs? Is there a collective union type place for your school? Do you enjoy any particular athletic endeavor? Heading out to root for the home team is usually a light and fun way to meet people. It does not have to be the most celebrated sport on campus, either – you could pick the exact opposite, with the hope of not being overwhelmed or worse, lost in the crowd (this might keep you from feeling as though you must subscribe to some mindless mainstream espousal you may not be keen on, as well).

 

You mentioned a small group of friends – have you surveyed this group to see about their outer reaches of friends that you might get along with, as well? And/or placed any feelers about your openness to blind dates, should any of them know any likely candidates? Blind dates can be dreadfully underrated. A friend of yours might be just the person to pick a suitably compatible date from their own acquaintances, as well as offering you something of an emotional buffer by doing the asking for you, at least until you are more comfortable with such things.

 

Obviously my reference point is limited, but you do not strike me as someone who should not, under any circumstances, be allowed to circulate amongst the unsuspecting public. You sound like a decent guy, shy and uncertain, reasonably eager to add this aspect of life to your own and anxious as to why it’s been so hard to do, but, again, you probably feel more unique in this condition than you really are. Have you poked about the forums much to see if there are other people whose experiences you relate to (and/or maybe take comfort from being in a similar situation)?

 

You have doubtlessly been somewhat reticent, possibly picky about hooking up with just anyone, from friends to romantic interests, from pursuing a potential partner to allowing yourself to be readily seen as someone open to pursuing. It isn’t unfeasible that you’ve been over and over this enough in your own mind to muddle your convictions on the matter – even undermine your confidence in yourself by considering this situation so vigorously, perhaps harshly, that where you might once have wondered ‘what is going on’, you now misstep and take a turn toward ‘what is wrong’ and then after more searching, stumbling and backtracking, ‘what is wrong with me?’

 

From what you describe, I do not think anything is wrong with you, for the record. After the age in which you meet new pals on the playground on a daily basis, bonding over nothing more substantial than a penchant for the swings over the slide, it becomes more difficult to truly connect with another person, and more arduous still to connect with a person on a romantic level. There is far more at stake, as well, and being willing to get your heart broken is a great deal more daunting than giving over your turn at the monkey bars, unsurprisingly.

 

A lot of what you are feeling may simply be stage fright, and fear of the unknown, now turned inward and inventoried as a fault instead of correctly assessed as a temporary, transitional reluctance. Take heart! You can get past nervousness, practice will make you feel more assured and daring will almost certainly bring you far more pleasure and satisfaction than you can even guess at, as things stand now.

 

I believe the best thing you can do for yourself at this moment is to take a smattering of baby steps, all involving changes from whatever daily routine you have cultivated to this point. Not that you are doing or have done anything wrong – only that what you are doing to this point is not getting you the result you want, and to continue on in this manner is that old definition of insanity.

 

I think the one of the best things you can do to set yourself up for success with this is to foster and consider your comfort level – without coddling it. You will need to step outside your usual safety zone, take some chances, risk some awkwardness in seeking something new, someone new. Be kind to yourself, do not force yourself to make sweeping, radical changes, but do not allow yourself to soldier on as you are without at least trying something innovative on a regular basis, from varying the route you take to class to dropping in to hear a band play off campus. Be spontaneous. Be enterprising. Challenge yourself.

 

Whatever else you do, do not give up hope. You are poised at the brink of real adventure here, and however it works out, you will find life far more rewarding if you actually live it, as opposed to continuing to ponder it in the abstract. Be hopeful, be optimistic, be positive. Try. It does not matter if you succeed immediately and to what degree, so long as you are willing to try and keep trying until you are where you want to be. After all, you are the only one you can count on to get you there, and if you are working against yourself from the start by succumbing to fear and uncertainty, you keep yourself from that happiness without ever actually protecting yourself from pain and grief.

 

I realize this is all very general, broad advice, based on vast speculation and extensive assumptions, so do let me know if I can clarify anything, or address anything more specifically. If I can help, I would be delighted to. I am rooting for you! Best of luck in all things.

 

Wager

[Eldebryn]

I suppose the reason I find myself feeling odd about this effort is because of my past. It may be a little selfish, but it's a fact. Over the years I got used to having rather good performance school and those things that were really interesting to me. I used to be the person that can have high performance in those things with little to no effort. Now, in the matter of relationships with the other genders, it feels like the opposite, putting up too much effort for almost no reward. I completely realize things are not supposed to be fair in any part of life, there is no law of equivalent exchange in humans, as well as that my attempts haven't been many. I guess I can't completely explain it, maybe I see myself in the future after more attempts and still being unable to connect with someone.

 

There are 2 forums I am quite active in, but those are things I just write for someone to read, it never feels as hard as actually talking to someone. I am not really part of actual groups or organizations, I just never felt like it. Clubs and night-life are not my style even though many people I know seem to think "that's the way to meet someone" though I do go out for beers, coffee etc and often have enough fun. Still for some reason, I am one the few people in my age whose friends and even parents encourage to go out and meet new people and especially women. Talking to male or female friends about setting me up with someone seems almost as hard and embarassing as talking to a girl myself, and I can't say we often have talks

 

I am going to be honest and say that I don't find the last recommendations easy to swallow. I am what you may call a creature of habit, when something works for me I rarely see any reason to change it, whether that is the path I take every morning or even the way I tie my shoes. Can't say I often have this feeling of adventure or excitement you describe, when someone proposes something new or different I am filled with thoughts of what may go wrong, the dangers and the negative aspects instead...

 

I suppose this feels like a conflict, I have spent most of my time in high school not even considering the possibility of doing something different like approaching girls, and now it seems so hard not to.

 

As I pause to think though, a part of me, however quiet or inactive, that pushes me to aim for a relationship or at least a connection that resembles one. Maybe because it's something I've never experienced before and I want to know, what it's like to have this connection with another person. So I guess this is good.

 

I do understand a few of your pointers though Wager, thanks for the help so far.