is it normal for this to hurt so bad..

[needsadvise]

Posted twice before but now I'm hurting really bad. Broke up almost 4 weeks ago after 5 1/2 years (all through high school, 2 yrs in college, separate colleges)

We went NC for the first 2 weeks of school but then I received a text from him saying he wants to talk and he can't do this whole no talk thing..I called him later and I was very hesitant to talk to him. That was the longest we haven't spoken since we met. He told me he missed me and wanted to know what was going on in my life. It took me awhile to not feel uncomfortable and to start talking. He also said he didn't want to hook up with anyone yet, he doesn't have that desire. We agreed at the time of the BU this was time to work on ourselves to know who we are alone. We ended the conversation leaving me with the question do I want to continue NC or speak every once in awhile. I wasn't sure yet so we decided to give it a week before talking again. That didn't last long because he drunk called me one night then texted me about a mutual interest. At the moment I was very stressed with school and things going on so I replied and also added something that might make him slightly worried. The next day he said he just received that text and asked what was wrong..i didn't respond..he sent another text..i didn't respond..he asked the next day if i was ignoring him..still i didn't feel like responding..finally he messaged me on fb and i did respond and lied that i was just too busy. When i told him I was caught up in the moment and didn't want to talk about it anymore he got cold and slightly angry. A few days go by and I see he put up a mobile picture on his facebook of a girl on a boat in the lake (a 2 person boat). Right away my instincts kicked in and felt something was going on. I asked him and he said it was nothing they were friends and not to read into it that much. I told him today we needed to talk so he called me right away. I asked him to tell me the truth and he said they were friends but things are starting to change now. They only hung out alone twice but had sex when they were both drunk this weekend. He said she's a lot of fun but doesn't like her like that. (find that hard to believe) I was caught so off guard i started hyperventilating on the phone. Its only been just over 3 weeks how was he able to do that so quickly. It hurts so bad esp because we agreed to not do exactly that. To learn about ourselves and not embarrass each other by jumping around or dating right away. I feel so disrespected when just last week he was telling me he missed me.

 

He still wants to talk but said it's up to me to decide whatever is best for me. He said its been getting easier for him as the weeks go by which for some reason hearing destroyed me. The way he says he can still be friends with me and move on at the same time just hurts so bad.

I think I really need to tell him I we can't speak for awhile but I'm so scared to remove him from my life. I also don't want to look like a wuss defriending him on fb and being the bitter ex. I want to look like I'm strong and ok with everyone even though I'm not.

I've only been getting 1 or 2 responses when posting on this site so I please ask for more opinions or ways that helped you get over your ex.

[little_buttercup]

Hey, just saw your post.

 

What you're going through emotionally / mentally / physically is normal. Don't beat yourself up for hurting so badly. Trust your instincts and give yourself time/space away from your ex. I do think that de-friending him on Facebook will be necessary. It will help you heal -- you'll be spared from seeing what he's up to. Be caring towards yourself, even if/when HE isn't, because you're important. Be around people who love & support you. I haven't been in your exact situation, but I can definitely empathize with you. Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to! *hugs* Hang in there!

[The_Seeker]

This is what I would do IF I ever get into that type of situation. My first ex cheated on me. So here goes nothing.

 

IT'S UP TO ME. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS PAIN ANYMORE. SO THIS IS WHAT I'M GOING TO DO TO MAKE ME HAPPY AND BE PEACE WITH MYSELF

 

- DELETE FACEBOOK/HIM OFF OF FACEBOOK.

 

- Focus your negative energy into work/workout.

 

- I am scared. What makes me scared will make me stronger. The danger of losing him will show me, myself, and I that I'm in control of me. Not my fault, he wanted it to end. Not my fault, he chose to fool around. Not my fault, if he wants to date other people. It is my fault for letting him get to me and I need to do what is best for me. I don't care what anyone thinks.

 

- Since I don't like to be disrespected, I'm going to be THE FIRST person to respect me FIRST. This is how I'm going to do it. Whether he likes it to not.

- Do not ask for permission what you want and need in your life. Go get what you want and need in your life AKA Control.

 

- Sure, an intelligent person would wait and let things result itself. However, a fool would go get what he/she wants and needs for his/her own happiness. So go get yourself pretty manicure and pedicure, and doll yourself up. Treat yourself like the best boyfriend that you are to yourself. Meet new people. Experience everything in life. You live only once unless you are a cat that has 9 lives.

 

- Care what you think. Treat how you want to be treated by treating yourself first.

 

- As for the ex, let him do what he wants. Find someone else. You got 6.9 billion people you haven't meet yet. And more to come.

 

- If you ever think/miss/dream of him, go do 20 pushups. ;] Since we all hate pushups anyway.

 

Good luck, beautiful!

[UniqueSoul]

try to move on. dont talk to him. he seems like he is using you to GET OVER YOU. this isnt as hard for him. no contact. you can do it be strong.

[needsadvise]

Thank you all so much for your replies. That was the first smile on my face all day. It truly means so much to hear positive feedback and support. I've never been one to walk around and share my sob stories to all my friends so this site really helps me just get it all out.

 

I know NC is what has to be for the time being. I'm having a hard time working myself up to defriending him and his school friends on facebook. I have a fear of looking weak but I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that I need to do it for myself even if I look stupid. It's hard cut the person you've been with since 15 years old and shared so many memories with to let them just become a stranger. Being with him is all I ever really have known. I know this is the right thing to do based on our situation/long-distance relationship, it just can't work anymore. I think I'll be fine as long as I'm here at school but I can't stop thinking about when I have to go home and be reminded of everything we did together because home is where all our memories are. I've been doing pretty well on my own so far. I haven't been trying to talk to any guys or fill any voids by over indulging in alcohol or smoking (like he's told me he's been doing to help him get over this) I really wish he wasn't so needy and would take this time to actually grow and learn how to be independent as I am trying to do. As much as I need that he needs it 10xs more and it makes me sad. My mom thinks I should meet up with him next time were home either thanksgiving or winter break bc we've been together so long that we should keep somewhat in touch. I'm just not sure when I'll be ready. I've never been through this before I dont know how long it will take me or if it's even worth it. When I talk to him this week to tell him my NC decision should I let him know I might want to meet up or not say anything yet?

[Penseur]

Nothing says you cannot reconnect with him as friends down the road. But for right now, the best thing for you, as echoed by everyone else, is to go strict NC. Maybe by the time Thanksgiving rolls around you will be healed enough to talk to him about life and such forth. If you view defriending him on FB as being weak (with which I disagree), then just don't sign on FB for a long while. Let it sit there inactive. Perhaps even have a trusted friend or your mother change the password and have it waiting for you a few weeks or months down the line. If he doesn't want to grow and only wants to jump from whim to whim, there is nothing you can do about that. But what you do have control over is what you do from here on.

 

As for when you talk to him, tell him that you need to go NC for awhile. If you want to meet up with him later on, then perhaps leave that as a distant option, but I wouldn't lay out concrete plans yet. I know it's difficult to do because you may get the feeling that if you don't talk to him or meet up with him, that he'll forget about you somehow. But that's not how it works. If he did magically forget about you in that time, then it was best you didn't stay in contact with him in the first place.

[needsadvise]

I can't stop thinking about the conversation we had yesterday. I keep getting angrier and just want to lash out and yell at him for always being the one to ruin things. There were of course bumps in the road but this BU was pretty mutual and there was nothing too major that happened for me to hate him. We’ve been together for awhile so I know the good and bad sides of him and when the ugly side takes over it physically hurts me because I know what a great person he can be. It’s only been 3 weeks how can he be able to do this with this other girl when a few days before he was the one who was a wreck not me. I can’t comprehend it. I didn’t think it would hurt as bad as it does. I really believed we would be able to go our separate ways but remain civil and maybe be optimistic about our in the future down the line. Now, I feel so disrespected and hurt that he would do this right away especially because he knows how bad this would upset me. I want to tell him what a bad individual he has become and honestly make him feel as * * * * ty as I do right now. I have no intensions of getting back together at all but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less. I don’t really know how I should approach our conversation. Should I be angry? Tell him exactly what’s on my mind? Or just simply say have a nice life?