Is going LC as powerful as NC if she keeps asking me to do stuff?

[octour]

My ex texts me and wants to meet up for coffee, she wants to see a movie, go pumpkin picking, go to a football game etc. But she broke up with me 2 months ago after 3.5 years. She basically found somebody to go to immediately, pretty much that night. She met him 2 weeks prior to her breaking up with me and she has been hanging with him ever since. I am on day 5 of NC. But she still texts me and wants to know about us and the plans she wants to have? She text me goodnight two nights ago and yesterday just to say 'hi'. I really want her back and know that going NC is probably the best choice right now, but when do you know if she will just say to herself, 'I guess he has moved on and that's it'? I don't want her to have it in her mind that I am definitely over her and never want to see her again, or do I? I really love this girl and want her back. So can I answer any texts? And just say I can't, I'm too busy? Or absolutely nothing at all?

[endy]

No you need to make it clear to her that you are broken up and you don't want to hear from her for the time being, just like in your other thread. She's having her cake and eating it too and walking all over you. What you need to realize is she's her own person, and honestly nothing you do is going to make her or get her back at this point. NC is not to get her back it's to get YOU back.

 

What I would do in this situation is simple. I would say, look we aren't going to hang out anymore. You made a decision, and that's not to be with me anymore. That's not what I want, and I can't be friends with you. Please leave me alone unless you would like to work things out.

 

That's it. That's all. NC directly after that. Don't go back and forth. Send it in an email if she will read it. Do not respond to it anymore and delete her phone number fb etc. She will know to contact you if she wants to. Then you move on without her. You are relying on her for happiness. You need to find true happiness from within yourself.

 

So send that message. If she wants you back, she will let you know. Put yourself in that situation. If you wanted her back would you let her know? Or would you sit there and have too much pride once you figured out you loved that person? Don't worry about her, and worry about yourself. She made a decision, now you need to let her live with that decision without you. You are giving all of your power up to her.

 

Women aren't attracted to strong needy people that need them for happiness. Honestly nobody is. Your thoughts and feelings right now will push her further away. All your doing right now is allowing her to have whatever she wants. Have some damn boundaries and stop getting walked all over. Never allow anyone to do that to you.

[octour]

Okay, so what do you do when you see her in starbux or something? We live in the same town and have bumped into each other recently. Do I turn around and hide? Act cordial, and just give a simple 'hello'? I am on day 5 of NC and know that I will see her tomorrow. I just don't want to mess it up. I want the best odds to get myself back and her back. I'm not even looking for ASAP. I just want the window of opportunity to be open. I know I need to work on me, it's just hard having the impression that she never wants to be with me again because of the reasons she broke up with me. But yet, she still wants us to remain close friends. Also, I know I am not doing this to get her back. This is something(s) I have been needing to do for a while, it's just the first opportunity I have had to do it. That is the absolute truth. And right now my mind isn't in it and it sucks. This breakup was the last thing I needed and could not have come at a worse time. I really want inner peace and the ability to sleep through the night to give me clear thoughts and the ability to concentrate on something other than her. I haven't done that in two months and I still don't stay asleep with the help of two sleeping pills each night. Do I really say 'don't contact me unless you want to work things out?' And the other thing is, when I do say something I know she's going to hug me like she's been doing every time we say goodbye. I don't want to hug her. What do I do about that?

[Mesemene]

Endy sums it up nicely.

 

Tell her you need to move on, you're not ready to be "just friends" because your feelings aren't friendly and that's a betrayal of yourself. Ask her to respect that, and start deleting her from your contacts. You need to rebuild without reminders dragging you back into "what was" and she's focused on what she wants. Time for you to do the same, not play backup, safety net, or "friend."

[Mesemene]

As for incidental contact, like Starbucks - if she waves, a casual wave or nod, and carry on. Don't get pulled into a conversation, if she comes over, you were either getting that coffee to go, or you just realized you're late for something. "gotta run, take care, bye"

[octour]

I've already cleaned house and gotten rid of all her cards she gave me. Tossed them right into the can. All the stuff she had at my place. Toothbrush, blanket, soap, etc. Deleted her from my phone, all the pics I had of her are gone too. We never did the FB thing and I don't plan to, neither will she. But right now, I am going and have been going NC for five days, but she still texts me. What do I do now? Change my number? That seems a little juvenile like I can't handle it. I just never reply. I agree not to play backup, safety net, or friend. I just want to give myself the best chances of getting her back once I get myself back. Is it as easy as going back to who I was when we first met? Or do I have to surpass that? (I plan on doing the latter to make up for some lost time in my own life) Mark my words, I'm gonna be one sexy bich when I'm done with me.

[endy]

Above is right, and why do you KNOW you're going to see her tomorrow? Why don't you not go there or get coffee from somewhere else? This is the deal... You going NC is going to get you back. Nobody knows including her or you if you will be together again. The best chance you have it to forget about her and give up all hope like it is over for good. Learn your lessons for you, and that's probably why she was in your life. Let it go, every relationship ends, be it by a breakup, other circumstances or death.

 

That's exactly why you have to find happiness from within, and by yourself. Usually if you leave the person, and rebound relationship alone there's a chance they will come back after the in love stage. I don't know why she would even be doing this, as it's not fair to the other relationship either. The point is she has both of you, and that's exactly what she wants. You need to learn how to have boundaries, and also figure out why she lost attraction for you. I have a book thread around if you search for it that outlines some books.

 

Begin that way in working on yourself. Read the books and actually think about it. Either way you need to move on and avoid contact. You also got good advice above. You say hi, and say you're busy and you need to leave. You don't have time to talk. I would still tell her that you are going NC you don't wish to speak to her for the time being as you need to move on from the relationship, and at this point there's no chance that you can be friends with her. If she tries to hug you and you don't want to hug her push her away or back up.

[endy]

There's no definite way to get her back. The best bet is to go NC, work on yourself... let a good amount of time go by 6 months to a year and see if she contacts you. Either way the only way she is going to miss you is if you are not there. It's that simple. You put yourself on a pedestal and always keep yourself there. It's a win-win because if she doesn't come crawling back (and honestly why would you want someone that left you for someone else) you are going to attract someone else.

 

So yes, the best chance you have is to get yourself back to where you were when you first met or improve yourself even more than that. As far as her contacting you goes ignoring her is fine. If it's easier have it blocked.

[octour]

Here's the issue with tomorrow. She is a very active person. I was heavily overworked and will be for at least the next month until I start my new job. She always wanted me to do the things she wanted to do, like running, snowboarding. Because of being so overworked I never had the energy for running and never had the money to go snowboarding. Even though I was once very active, because of my job I have become just the opposite. The last thing you want to do after a 14 hour day is go on a 5 mile run. Tomorrow is a race at the reservoir where she always runs and I have just started to, for the last month or so. If I avoid the race tomorrow, she will have it her head that she was absolutely right. That nothing is ever going to change with me and I just don't care to change. And this is just another promise I made that I didn't keep. I can't let her see this. For one, I'm not doing it for her. And for two, right now she is very stubborn and her mind is made up. I have to prove her wrong to at least get her mind open just a smidge and get the gears turning. I want her to know that this is for real and I am very serious and that I am going to live up to every promise I ever made her. Whether she's there to see it or not. Right now she doesn't care to listen about any of that. So I have to show her. To sum it up. I lost everything. I lost all my money, my physical health, my smile, my confidence, and most recently, the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with because of the terrible business decision I made 4 years ago. It's that simple. That is why tomorrow when I see her, it is so important that I handle it correctly. I've had breakups before, but none were ever like this. And I've never cared this much about getting any of my other ex's back.

[Mesemene]

It's a race, not being consigned to the same cart in the Tunnel of Love.

 

Casual wave, "Good luck!" and off you go. And then just focus on the race, your pacing, your improvement, how the breeze feels on your face.

[octour]

Non-chalant, yes? And if she hangs around after the race to meet up? That's when I tell her I can't be her friend and wish her well? Then disappear from her life and start the rejuvenation of me. Forget about her, remember me and if the phone rings in the future pick it up and take things slow by making her work her way, without being a tool, back into my life. How's that plan?

[Mesemene]

Pretty much - if she calls at a future point, you may be surprised at yourself with the mixed feelings and no longer jumping up and down like you'd have expected. If you run into each other on runs, just be casual, and be busy with your own friends, your own life. when you're feeling good about yourself, it shows, it's attractive to people as friends as well as potential lovers, and you may be surprised at what you find as you're rediscovering yourself!

[octour]

My line of thinking of the possibilities of getting her back are this too. I had maybe, maybe 8 days off in the last 3 years. That's it and it's no exaggeration. She stood by me that entire time and we talked about when I was going to be able to get out of my mess. As my luck would have, and it pretty much describes my luck for the entire time, I get this chance at the same time she breaks up with me. She hit the proverbial wall because she met somebody that peaked her interest. My hope is that once the excitement wears down with this other guy, she will realize that despite all the work and no play, how much love I was still able to show her and how I always dropped everything whenever she needed me, she will start thinking about me and my phone will ring. I know she still cares for me very deeply. She has made that abundantly clear. But her attraction for me is gone because I was never able to do things with her that excite her and the things she loves to do. That is one of my deepest regrets. So in her mind, all the activities I am getting involved with now are just to get her back and not for real. Not true at all. But there is no way to prove this to her unless she comes to that conclusion by herself. That is why I wish I didn't have to go NC. I wish she didn't go out that night and meet this guy and she would be by my side and loving every minute of it. She would be so happy. But for some reason, she refuses to listen and believe what she's seeing and is going with this latest fling. But for all my shortcomings over the last 3.5 years, I guess she deserves that right. I should never put myself in a position where I dragging my partner down with me. Ever.

[endy]

Mes has pretty much summed it all up. The problem that I have is you say you aren't running the race for her... then all of your reasoning points to exactly that... showing her that you change, that the reasons she left you aren't there anymore. I don't think that it's a problem, but whats going to happen if she's there with other guy etc? I don't think there is a problem in showing her that you changed either. Get the book the way of the superior man. She probably lost attraction for you. By the way... Overworking yourself is not healthy. Take a break when needed. The business is still going to be there tomorrow and you'll be more refreshed.

 

If you can handle it you can probably eventually deal with NIC, but I would still take time for yourself to move on for yourself. I could actually see this working out, although I don't think a relationship is any one person's fault. I also don't think anyone deserves to be left for someone else. Right now you have love goggles on. You are hurt, and thinking with your heart. You want to make decisions with your head and not your heart. Go to the race, but you definitely need to give her a chance to miss you after that.

[EgoJoe]

Octour this is what your third or fourth thread?

 

Listen to me when I say this, if you truly have been NC for five days and she is still texting you this is the deal. 1) Ultimate Backburner Prep 2) She truly values you as a friend and possible future provider etc. 3) She craves your attention but is not fulfilled by it.

 

Stop this bull * * * * . Keep up the NC, WIN the damn race and work on yourself. Keep us updated with what she texts etc and we will tell you when it might be time to reply. ALSO stop reading her texts as they come wait until the end of the day, always.

 

Listen to me, I have your best interests at heart NOT just getting her back. I know what you're going through you simply need to detach more. Don't get stuck in the friend zone and don't eat crumbs man you deserve so much better than that.

[octour]

I just got back from the race. She showed up with her new 'friend' and kissed right in front of me. I couldn't hold it in, I asked her 'Tell me again how you're not seeing anybody'. She then introduced me to the guy. I shook his hand and said 'Hey man, how are ya'. The father was also there and the three of them were talking and I just couldn't hold it in so I went up to them and tapped the new guy on the shoulder and said 'hey man, you know where she was last weekend? She was with me in Boston. Not with a group of friends like she told you. Her ex of 3.5 years, alone with me. She's been lying to you and she's been lying to me and her father for the last 2 months.' She said I am not a liar. The guy is standing right in front of me! I called her a few names and told her she is a liar and she is no friend of mine. 'You've been lying to me for 2 months, you've been lying to him for 2 months, and to your father and your mother for 2 months. How the hell do you sleep at night.' I then repeated what she told me when I first suspected it about 3 weeks ago, 'I could never do that to you. Do you really think I could be with anyone after being with you for 3.5 years? What kind of a girl do you think I am.' I also reminded her that she trashed her sister for doing the very same thing to her ex husband. She used to say, 'I can't believe my sister could do such a thing', and they she turns around and does it to me! This is the worst kind of person to be with. The person who breaks up when a relationship isn't working and doesn't stand on their own two feet. I would still have respect for her is she did. But she went out one night, found a place to go and then kept that up for two weeks, treated me like crap, still had sex with me, and then told me she needed 'a break, We're still good, but I need a break.' A total coward. I never had a argument with her the entire time we were together. I never hit her, I never cheated on her, never disrespected her. All I ever did was work too hard and too many hours. How the hell do I deserve this? Where do people get off doing that to somebody? I have to be honest here. I have been in the dark along with everybody else for two months. I am really glad that everyone knows now that she has been lying to them. The girl who says, 'I can't lie. I never have and never will.' I actually feel better now because I know the truth now. Not the half baked stories she has been telling me and the stringing along she has been doing. This is the worst type of person to be with and I had no idea until now that she could ever do such a thing. I wish I knew, because I never would have gotten involved in the first place. Anybody who does that to a person, doesn't deserve a new person in their lives. I really hope I never see her again and am able to forget about her ASAP.

[octour]

One thing to add. After my rant, I went back over and said excuse me and extended my hand to the new guy and said, 'hey man, no offense to you. have a good race' He said 'thanks you too' and suggested that I stop running at the reservoir because she really enjoys running there and feels like she can't now because I am now going there. Ain't gonna happen. I also went up to the father and said 'Dan, sorry for losing my temper, but she's been lying to everyone for the last two months and I just couldn't hold it in' He said okay, I understand. And we wished each other the best of luck. The only one I didn't wish well was her. She doesn't deserve it and she certainly doesn't deserve my friendship. As I said earlier, if she just stood on her own two feet, I would still be heart broken but at least I would still have respect for her. I don't have any at this point. She is never going to heal and become a stonger person by doing this. Also, I feel completely duped. And because of this, I really felt the new guy should know what type of person he is getting involved with. Because I certainly didn't and now wish I never had.

[endy]

Kinda suspected that might happen which is exactly why I said that above. Just go NC now and work on you. You don't want her back. There's just been too much damage most likely to overcome it. You'll be ok with yourself and someone new. Remember ALL relationships end at one point or another. It's just part of life. Good luck to you, and come back whenever you need to. It helps a bit with your healing. Try and concentrate on your life, business, and happiness now. Forget about her.

[octour]

And I'm not only thinking of me right now, I am actually thinking about the new guy. Who, after talking to him doesn't seems like a bad guy and actually looks a lot like me. Go figure. She totally blindsided me this morning with bringing him. This was a new development as he had to register the day of the race. She put this together on purpose as she and I have been registered for over a month. She knew I was going to be there and she didn't tell him I was going to be either. I told him about our trips together and how she would say she was there with friends instead of her ex of 3.5 years. I was sick and tired of looking like a schmuck because of all her half truths. Those are lies. This guy's gears should be turning and asking himself why would she say that she was away with friends and not her ex?, Why wouldn't she tell me her ex was going to be at the race? I called her a liar multiple times and then went back to shake both the new guys and her father's hands. Then I walked away. And my suspicions were triple verified because I own the store next to where her mother works and I saw her after the race. She told me that her sister even told my ex that you should be honest with, me, this is going to backfire on you. It was almost as if she did this to create space between her and me so she didn't have to do it herself and so she could concentrate on the new guy. She did that. But if this guy has any selfworth, he will be thinking about what she did to him too. So I'm thinking that she didn't think the backfire would include her new 'friend'. Sucks for her.

[octour]

And yes, I will be here from time to time. This is a great site and am truly thankful I found it. Thank you all for all your help, I really appreciate the brutal honesty. It really has helped me tremendously over the last week or so. I will be recommending this site to a couple of friends who are going thru hell right now as well.

[EgoJoe]

You're the man for that.

[octour]

Nice, thanks a lot man. I really appreciate that. As soon as I got that off my chest, I can't tell you how good I felt inside. It was night and day. I'm going to, after 2 months, finally sleep like a rock. I did nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for. And there was no way in hell she was going to continue to getting away with it. No way. Thanks for the complement. It really does mean a lot.