gave back the engagement ring out of anger and now its over, help me!!!!

[fearless1986]

I have been best friends with my ex fiancé now for 11 years. We started dating 3 and a half years ago. He followed me around for a year until i broke it off with my ex. When i finally broke it off with my ex him and i hooked up. And we were solid together for the last 3 and a half years. So much that we got engaged and bought a house.

He is the perfect guy, cares so much about me all up until last week. We bought a house together on sept 1st we moved in, 3 weeks later he moved out. We had been engaged for 3 months exactly. I don’t understand how he could do this to me.

We were having an argument over having company over. We had our friends over and i had 2 shots of alcohol and he didn’t like that i had shots and was trying to tell me how i was inappropriate for having shots. Keep in mind the company we were having over have all drank excessively and thrown up infront of me, i have never in my life thrown up from drinking. Any ways it got heated and i said if i am so awful then y r u with me and i handed him back his engagement ring. I realized i made a mistake and apologized. He then wouldn’t give me the ring back. It escalated even further and he said he doesn’t know if he can be with me ne more. He needs to think about it bc we have been arguing a lot since we moved in (over petty things) and i gave him the ring back which is the worst thing you could ever do. So any ways he took a few days and still hadn’t made up his mind. He told me he still loved me and still wanted to marry me but there are so many factors and i hurt him so deep and betrayed him by giving him back the ring that he can never trust me again.

After days of begging him, he wouldn’t reply to me at all, i would say tons of stuff and he just didn’t care. I would explain to him our past together and how much that should be worth to him, but he said he cant base his decision off of good memories only. So i finally had realized he had made up his mind and was just too chicken * * * * to say, so i said to him i am packing up my things and i am leaving for the night, if by the time i leave there is no ring on my finger then i have my answer. He let me walk out the door.

That night when i left i went straight to his parents (he had wanted to talk to his parents about this without me and i felt i should be a part so they could hear both sides of the storey) . i promised his family i would take care of him, i clearly didn’t bc i ended up leaving him crying. So i explained what i had done to his parents and they said that was the worst thing ne one could do and didn’t care to hear me out that it was done out of anger and not out of true feelings.

They didn’t care, so then my ex came as his mom called him and we all sat and talked and they all just pretty much shuned me out and said that i was in the wrong and i should never be forgiven for actig out of anger and i should have known the consequences prior to me doing it.

The next day we had my ex come to my parents house and explain their side to my parents. My parents r the ones who made it possible for us to buy a house and they put a large amount of money into the house we had been living in for 3 weeks. So my parents felt they deserved to hear his side. He ended up showing up with his father. His father would not let him speak and the conversation went no where, he just listened to what his dad wanted.

We then met later that night and discussed the idea of living in the house as friends and not as a couple and that way we don’t have to sell it. We said we would talk more later and deal with it the next day. (Friday). So on Friday aka yesterday, we met at mc donalds he brought both his mommy and daddy and i brought my dad only bc he directed my dad that he should be there. We met up and he said he was moving his stuff out today.

He ended up moving his stuff out and wouldn’t even give me a second chance. My heart is broken and i know i will never find a perfect guy like this again. He loved everything about me in regards to my looks, the way i was in bed, the way my chest looks, he treated me like a princess (except when we would fight) he loved me whole heartedly. We shared everything, we had all of our accounts linked, we didn’t hide ne thing from ne one. Neither of us talked to ne ex’s i didn’t talk to other guys he didn’t talk to other girls (except like mutual friends) we had it all and i lost it all , just bc of 3 weeks of bickering and taking off my ring. None of this makes sense to me, did he even love me to begin with? I gave him my whole heart and soul and he just walked away from it all, all bc of 3 weeks. I just don’t get it, its killing me and i don’t know how to deal. Please help me!!! I honestly want to kill myself thats how i am feeling about this.

[Princess123]

He isn't perfect. It seems like he wanted out by the sound of what I read. It's just over two shots really? Then it seems like you gave him opportunity chance to "finally" leave and he took it. A man who truly loved you would of fought to keep you. If your accounts are linked I hope he doesn't clean you out. Some people can be spiteful. Don't kill yourself. You need to breathe and relax right now, one break up doesn't mean its the end of the world. Giving a ring back is a clear cut sign without any thought is almost indicating that in some way it had to be. It's like asking someone to answer something real quick. A quick form of action like that I would of seen it as you weren't ready to marry him because you easily gave the ring up. Anger or not.

 

Sit there and make a list of things that weren't right about him or the relationship then you'll see, not perfect.

[nutbrownhare]

Both of you have a lot of growing up to do.

 

Granted, given the state of the property market, many young people need to borrow money from relatives - but getting your parents involved in your relationship problems..?

 

Apart from that, the fact that you were solid until you moved in together - and then the bickering started - suggests that this was just a step too far, and you needed to spend more time just dating. The fact that (a)you returned your engagement ring and (b) he refused to give it back suggests, again, that neither of you is ready for this. The pressure was probably too great for both of you.

 

The description of your relationship and his feelings for you, which seem to be founded mostly on your physical attributes, are not enough as a foundation for a lasting relationship. They are fine for someone you're just dating, though.

 

There are practical issues here such as ownership of the house, which your parents will no doubt be sorting out in due course. For now, though, resist the temptation to keep contacting him (which, ironically, will drive him even further away), get support from friends, on here, wherever - but DO NOT TRY TO GET IN TOUCH WITH HIM. I don't know how much you have been reading on these boards, but there's plenty on the value and importance of No Contact (usually abbreviated to NC) and it would be useful to you to read them. I won't go into it here. But make sure you do everything within your power to be nice to yourself, be with people who make you feel good about yourself, treat yourself - whatever. Just don't depend on him as the source of good things in your life.

 

Maybe after things have cooled down a bit, he'll be back with you. Maybe he won't. Either way, you need to concentrate on your own life and not pin so much of your future on one person - no matter who that may be. It's hideous at the moment, I know, but remember - you WILL get through this!

 

(((HUGS)))

[DN]

I think your parents are way too involved in this. Will he meet without them present to talk?

[Betweenthebars]

I think it's funny he had his father speak for him. What is he, 12? Really. But anyway, he was an ass for getting angry over two shots. And you were immature in giving the ring back - but his parents sound like they view their son as an angel who can do no wrong, which is foolish. This is an awful, ugly situation, and I think you should go NC to clear your head and calm down.

[bulletproof]

Judging from this list, I don't really agree that he was perfect.

 

How old are you two?

 

It was immature to use the ring as part of your threat to break up, and he is now reacting equally as immaturely. I think you are right- things shouldn't be over because of three weeks of bad times, therefore it seems there were deeper issues. I also think that if someone would bail because of three weeks of fighting, then what would have happened if you got married and had a real issue, like serious illness or something wrong with your children?

 

I know you are hurting but it might be that this is for the best. And I hope that in your next relationship you are allowed to talk to other males- it seems kind of unhealthy to have this rule that nobody can talk to the opposite sex unless it's a mutual friend.

[fearless1986]

no he isnt perfect and neither am i, but he was perfect for me. he never did ne thing to hurt me. he was control freakish a bit but i kind of liked it. i think he did want out, and i think its bc he couldnt stand to be away from his mommy. a lot of our fighting was over his mom. she ruined our move in date, was not supportive at all for ne of it to happen. she cried and carried on as though she would never see him again. i think it was just depressing him and our fighting wasnt helping. but how on account of that do you throw away 3 and a half years that were nearly picture perfect>? we had like one major fight a year and the rest was useless little fites. i figure that if he loved me enough he wouldnt just give up on me on account of 3 weeks. like if he didnt want to move in, he should have said something prior, now we have owned the house for 3 weeks and it is all over. so many fees and such to lose it all at this point, but he doesnt care, he clearly wanted out and it breaks my heart bc i have never given ne one my whole heart before and trusted them so much. yes i was foolish but in the end he is the fool. we sorted through our accounts already and are trying to be civil but its so hard to just let him walk out of my life, i have never loved ne one like this before. i was with someone prior for 6 years and it didnt work but it didnt hurt like this. i didnt love him, this guy my ex fiance i love more than ne thing and i know he wont take me back on account of 3 weeks, it hurts. i really do just want to die. to me it is the end of the world bc we had so much planned together, my future existed of only him and me and it was to be great. our past was great we didnt fite often so when we had the big fite it was hard to control myself and i made a stupid move that ruined my whole future, so not cool.

[fearless1986]

i agree we both acted imaturely but that isnt the way we are normally. i dont get how he can just throw it all away like this. we didnt borrow money from relatives, the purchase of the house was made possible by a contribution to it so that it would be possible, is 3 and a half years not long enough for dating? how much longer would you think? i havent contacted him at all, he moved his stuff out yesterday, i had my family there as he had his there and i had my friend there and her son and we just hung out and they helped me through. i didnt cry bc i didnt want him to see the hurt i tried to stay positive and joke around with my family and friend to let him know i will b fine without him. truth be told i wont be though and it was all an act to make him think twice about who he is walkng out on. how would things cool down and if they did if i am not contacting him how would he get back with me? i spent days of begging him to look at all we have to lose i wasnt gonna do it as he walked out the door, by that point it was too late, so i didnt want him to see my hurt which is why i was with my friends and family. my whole future was planned with him, so without him i have no one really. we really only had one solid friend and they were his to start with so they r on his side, and i hv my one solid friend from way back, but other then that i dont hv ne thing and i dont see a point to continuing on in life, without him i have no future. thanks for the hugs but i honestly cant see a way out

[fearless1986]

he will not meet without any parents present and he wont talk for himself. he is letting his parents speak on behalf of him and he wanted mine to speak on behalf of me but i said no i will speak for myself and my dad and mom of course can speak too but i am not just going to sit back and be quiet and let the parents solve this. it honestly makes no sense to throw 3 and a half years away. if he wasnt sure of things he shouldnt hv proposed to me 3 months ago. he shouldnt have moved in 3 weeks ago, if there were issues he should have addressed it before taking it this far. i have been willing to sit down and talk to him but he doesnt want to hear it. i talk and he just sits there and has nothing to say other than he still loves me and this is hard. how is ne of this betrayal? this is an argument that went sour, but betrayal? and trust? like i didnt cheat on him, i did one thing out of anger, and poof thats it! ne one finds a magic wand and turn back time i would fix this, and maybe i wouldnt be feeling so lost and confused. there is no point meeting now, things have headed down the bad road and he has left with everything in the matter of a day, thats it, shows over.

[fearless1986]

my parents said they wanted to hear his side of things bcthey wanted to help us if they could. pay for counselling, or whatever, but they couldnt fathom how someone who has been as devoted as he has would all of a suddden do this. no one saw it coming and they wanted an explanation, not too much to ask. everyhting my parents asked or i asked i would be told by his dad "thats none of your business" or "you should know" and directed to his son "dont answer that" and he just played along like a puppet. he is angry over 2 shots and being controlling about how i am, i am an ass for giving back the ring, but i am the one who realixes i hv made a mistake and i am the one who wants to discuss it and make it better, he isnt. they said that regardless of my stresses or upset or anger i should always put their son on a pedastal and they said that they never fight so this is y its so hard for their son bc he is not used to fighting. bull crap we hv arguments, everyone does, you deal with it, address it and move on. i already am not contacting him, no reason to at this point, everything is dissolved and i am so lost and hurt about it all

[fearless1986]

we are both 25. he was perfect, we had little arguments or disagreements. bickering as i call it, but i never thought it would lead to where it is. no one did. this is a shock to all, and such a shock to me i really dont want to be here ne more. i cant breathe without him. i havent slept since monday, i havent eaten more than 1 slice of pizza. to make insult to injury he had sex with me prior to us arguing. if u werent sure u wanted to be with me then y make love to me? i dont mind not being able to talk to other males, i liked the way our relationship was, i wasnt against ne thing in it, we just had disagreements that flew out of proportion, but the way he was with me was fine, he was perfect and now i will never find ne one remotly perfect like he was. i need him back and if he doesnt come back idk what ima do. this was my life. i watched my life walk out the door.

[agent1607307371]

He loved everything about me in regards to my looks, the way i was in bed, the way my chest looks, he treated me like a princess (except when we would fight) he loved me whole heartedly.

 

Did he like you as a person at all?

 

I don't understand why you need to involve your parents so much? Either you're adults having an adult relationship or you're not.

 

Is he controlling about your behaviour? Or are the shots an excuse to not be in the relationship?

[fearless1986]

he loved me as a person. he loved how caring, loving, affection, big hearted, forgiving, i would do ne thing for him, whenever where ever without hesitation. we always gave eachother the best of the best. he loved my looks though which is something that really made me feel special. he always kissed me all the time he loved my kisses he loved the way i looked he loved the person i was, so i thought. he wanted to involve his parents, and i didnt like the idea but he was going to do it ne wasy so i figured i should be there so they could hear my side, although that really didnt matter. aparently i guess i just wasnt adult enough over one mistake, one mistake thats makinf me want to end it all. i cant believe that bickering and taking off the ring gave him cold feet and made him go back home to mommy and daddy. i cant beliebe he leaves the responsibility of the house on me like that, and just can leave me all alone, i dont get tht. he is controlling, i always have to text him when i go somewhere where i go who im with what im up to when ill be home etc etc. but i like that, it doesnt bother me. he is controlling wtih my dog where she can and cant go, that bugs me, but not enough to end things. there r good things and bad things about everyone but damn he was perfect for me and he just walked out of my life. he likes to talk down to me when we argue like i am his child or something, thats not cool but ive become used to it to certain degree.

[Ms Darcy]

I think your pain is not allowing you to see some fundamental incompatibilities. You couldn't live together. You couldn't fight fair with each other. He talks down to you in arguments. He's too closely tied with his parents (mom). I think his reasons for leaving make sense ... in terms of marriage I am not sure this would have been a happy one.

 

Hugs.

[fearless1986]

i honestly cant stop crying.

[Mesemene]

everyhting my parents asked or i asked i would be told by his dad "thats none of your business" or "you should know" and directed to his son "dont answer that" and he just played along like a puppet.

 

Perfect my horse's butt!!!

 

I can understand your parents offering to pay for counseling. I can't understand why EITHER sets of parents are taking the reins wanting to "know what happened" to the extent of asking any more than their own children out of concern.

 

And his dad doesn't sound any more mature than he is.

 

"you should know?" "None of your business?" REALLY? I feel like I'm back in Jr High School, when fights between potential GF/BFs had to involve their whole social circle, and "tell her I said I'm not speaking to her" "tell him I said I'm not speaking to him either!" were common. And this is his FATHER? Great role model for him to keep up a healthy relationship.

 

Sorry if that hurts you, but take the gloss off of perfect, and what was inside, well, wasn't so perfect.

 

You watched a guy who could ditch a 3+ year relationship over a little disagreement walk out the door. A guy who hasn't even bothered to check if you're ok. Who has demonstrated by his behavior that if it hadn't been 2 shots, another excuse to ditch you would've done.

 

i dont mind not being able to talk to other males, i liked the way our relationship was, i wasnt against ne thing in it, we just had disagreements that flew out of proportion,

And I find this plain... well, frightening. Does this mean you can't talk to male co-workers, or attend business lunches with guys? What about hanging out with friends that bring boyfriends? What other rules were you living by?

 

And not contacting him does not stop him from knowing how to contact you. That's an excuse. Seriously. He knows where your parents live, he knows your number, email addy, and probably your underwear size. He knows plenty to get in touch if he decides it's what he wants.

[agent1607307371]

That's ok.

 

 

Honestly, you are better off out of it. You don't think so now, but people who are controlling like that, get worse. And eventually you will chafe against it and get angry about the leash he has you on.

[Ms Darcy]

i honestly cant stop crying.

 

I am really sorry. I know it hurts. Can you spend time with your family now?

[fearless1986]

how do u know that after 3 weeks you cant live together? i mean it was really only 2 bc we were moving in and such the first week. so how do u give up after 2 weeks? like a real adult would have given it a go, given it a real chance, not this, this is bull * * * * . we fought differently each fight, sometimes fair sometimes not, but every couple fights and every relationship needs work- no relationship is perfect, but bc of the * * * * his parents are feeding him he is lead to believe it should be easier and it should be that hard and he should get stressed due to fights etc. it would have been happy, we had a plan, i dont think ne one gets how serious we were.

[Ms Darcy]

(Many) men have a lower tolerance for fighting than woman. I think a couple of weeks (if it's bad in his mind) is enough to feel fear of the future. He can't get out once he's married.

 

I mean, of course he can divorce you but it's much harder. I think his own personal fear took over.

[fearless1986]

it was perfect for what i wanted and we worked so well together. we were like peanut butter and jelly. like really no one saw this coming not even me. i thought he would be mad that i took off the ring but i figured he would get over it. well seeing as my parents had so much faith in him so much they put a * * * * ton of money into a property for us, invested a lot in us they at least deserve to know why he is backing out after only 3 weeks and not giving it a fair shake or even a try. if u knew it wasnt gonna work y would u go through with it. this is an embarassment to many and a heartache for me.

 

his dad is ridiculous and his mom is the same when it comes to taking sides and pushing their opinion and not letting you speak etc etc. i have always had issues with his family- none that were aparents, bc i got along with them for the sake of him and me, but i nvr liked being at his house bc it was such a controlling family. his sisters at 16 and 18 and not allowed to take the bus and get a drive to and from school every day and r not allowed to at food whenever they want they need permission and not allowed to cut or dye their hair and not allwoed to have boy friends or date etc etc. thats messed up but i accepted it bc him and me decided we were going to be different but he isnt he talks to me like he would his sisters, not his partner. his father made up his mind for him. when he came over he said that after all he knows now he doesnt want us to work things through. i wish i knew what he told him, but from what i recall things were never that horrible they couldnt be solved, all it is is a matter of trying and not throwing in the towel bc of one lousy thing. no he hasnt checked if i was ok, i want to call him and ask hw he is doing but why? if he cared to tell me he would. i dont want him to see me suffer, so i had my friend and me act like we were going out the night he was moving and we were meeting ppl my freinds ppl who r guys, sunce he is so jealous i thought that might make him think about hat he is losing and how quickly he is reacting i hv the power to do the same, its not only him who gets to makechoices i get to make them too! the excuse wasnt the 2 shots, it was the fact i took off my ring, aparently that is betrayal and mistrust that can never be repaired. i can talk to male coworkers and he can for female, it means like no hanging out with the oposite sex without the other partner there. just 100 percent honesty with where we were, etc. we saw eachother every day for 3 and ahalf years. to lose him now hurts so bad. he can contact me and i hope he does, although i highly doubt he will bc he is sostouborn and cant forgive, or grow from things, he just shuns ppl out. he doesnt talk to his whole family on his moms side bc he holds grudges. he hasnt talked to them for 10 years all over something so small as getting upset about not telling them something sooner, yet him and his family hold this grudge and they dont even speak. thats not healthy but i never thought he could do it to me. just a weird family all around.

[DN]

(Many) men have a lower tolerance for fighting than woman. I think a couple of weeks (if it's bad in his mind) is enough to feel fear of the future. He can't get out once he's married.

 

I mean, of course he can divorce you but it's much harder. I think his own personal fear took over.

This may be true but what is also relevant is that what seems trivial to one person isn't trivial to another. If there are a number of fights people can decide they just don't want to live their lives like that.

 

Certainly the parents should back off from this but he is not the only one - you should not be involving yours either so let's not put it all on him and his parents. Both of you should be acting as adults here.

 

If giving an engagement ring is a huge symbolic act of commitment then giving it back is an equally huge repudiation of that commitment and it should not be treated at all lightly. Once you have broken an engagement there is no obligation on the other party to take you back or to consider it. Just as you are committed to a partner with the offer and acceptance of a ring because you had an opportunity to refuse then you cannot complain if he accepts your disavowal of the commitment.

 

Sometimes you don't get a chance to take back what you have done - he is under no obligation to you here.

[Mesemene]

I'm really sorry this whole mess hurts you so much. It sounds like his family is very controlling, and sheltering both him and his sisters from as much of life as they can - which means they're at a big disadvantage in the real world. And he's had very bad examples in his family for how to resolve conflicts.

 

Are there any friends, or family members who are giving you some emotional support during this to be there for you?

[fearless1986]

your right i dont see how i am better out of it now, but i guess it will get to that point and i will realize. i just am so hurt by someone i htought was so harmless. my preious relationship of 6 years was an abusive one, this was exact opposite so it hurts to leave what i always wanted, hoped for and dreamed of to just leave like this. and he is leaving bc of me which at the end of the day makes me wonder y i deserve this 2 times. makes me wonder y i am that awful that ppl need to hurt me. i gave him my whole heart and soul and that wasnt enough to stay, he must hv known this prior to signing a 5 year mtg contract for a house and prior to moving into a house and prior to asking me to marry him, this is all too sudden and i htink its cold feet bc he is scared we r gonna fight like this forever and he isnt giving it a fair chance and he just wants to go home to his mom bc he knows how much leaving her hurt her as she cried herself to sleep like every night leading up to the move and crie dthe day of the move and was not eprsonable or nice or ne thing of the sort. i like the controlling if he is following it too. it sounds bizare but i am being honest, i dont mind talking to chicks only, i dont mind things that keep us knowing we r not cheating and there is no doubt in out minds about it. but cheating isnt what did us in, which you think would be something u break up over, not a few weeks of bickering follwed by a fight, like really?

[DN]

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