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New..need to vent, possibly get some advice..no lectures please!


messedup500

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Ok, where to start? I'll try and keep things short and organized. My husband and I have been married for almost a year. We broke up for a couple years after high school, but ended up back together and married. He is in the military and is currently deployed for the second, and hopefully last, time. So, now to dive into the mess. He cheated on me a month before our wedding, about 3 months after his first deployment. I didn't find out about him cheating (had to figure it out on my own) until we had been married for about 5 months, we decided to work through it. But, we didn't have much time because he was always training and then deployed about 2 months ago. It's been really hard to get over him cheating and I really do love him. But, this is where things get worse. An ex of mine moved real close to where I'm staying and contacted me on my birthday about a month ago. We started talking and met up, which I felt bad enough about, but I told him about my husband cheating and confided in him. We started talking more and the next time we met up, we had sex. The whole time I thought about my husband, but I was still mad at him for cheating and was feeling so lonely. It happened once more after that, and almost happened again, but I put a stop to it. He had been telling me how he never stopped caring and was sorry he ended our relationship, then got upset when I said that I wasn't going to leave my husband. But, anyway, I want to tell my husband what happened, I know I have to because I know how bad it hurts to find out from someone else. And, I know that our marriage can't work with this nasty secret. It was totally unlike me to cheat, but I was feeling vulnerable and hurt with everything going on. I know there's no excuse and I'm so sick with myself. I just don't know how I'm going to go another 5 months without telling my husband what happened. But, I can't tell him while he's deployed, it could compromise his safety and those around him. I just can't believe I'm here right now, in this position. I NEVER thought I would be one of these women. Anyone have anything to say? Hopefully more than calling me a cheater or saying I deserve it..I know what I did was wrong..But, I want to fix it..

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He will probably think you did it to get back at him for what he did to you. He might forgive you - and he still might not.

 

But yes your right, you should probably tell him. But do you think this marriage is working anyways? You never see the guy for months on end, sounds like you should have a really good think about things. Is this what you really want to do, be marred to a guy you don't see that much?

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I agree - maybe best to tell him when he gets back. Are you two sure that one last ditch counseling effort when he gets back might not be worth it??

 

We were in counseling before he left, and I told him I wanted to continue (before I cheated) because we were still having issues. I am willing to continue if he is.

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He will probably think you did it to get back at him for what he did to you. He might forgive you - and he still might not.

 

But yes your right, you should probably tell him. But do you think this marriage is working anyways? You never see the guy for months on end, sounds like you should have a really good think about things. Is this what you really want to do, be marred to a guy you don't see that much?

 

You may be right about him thinking of it as revenge. But, as far as him being away goes, he is almost done with his time in the military. So, it won't be a factor in our marriage much longer. And, I know he may not forgive me..I just hope he can find it in him to forgive me..

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I think that, once he is back home for a longer period of time, you two should continue with regular counseling sessions.

 

Even with that, there may have been too much damage. But if you both want it to work and are willing to put in the (immense) effort, then anything is possible. But it all starts with being honest with him. And you need to be ready to accept whatever reaction he gives you.

 

He cheated before, so you might be tempted to think that he owes it to you to be more understanding of your own mistakes. But remember that you made the choice to forgive him and move past his infidelity, so you can no longer hold it against him when it comes time to tell him what you did.

 

I would still think about this, long and hard. What makes this relationship worth it? What are you BOTH gaining from staying in this marriage?

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