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Has anyone had to seek professional help after being in an abusive relationship?


enchanted771

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I have been in NC with my ex for 10 days now. I broke up with him a month ago, but he kept bullying me by text, and phone. I was only with him for 7 months, but we saw eachother alot 3-4 days a week, I became very close with his family especially his mom, there was talk of the future, etc. I am just very devastated still. After my divorce 3 years ago he is the first one I truly loved. I know it is normal to be upset when you breakup, but when you have been verbally abused for months, then made to feel like it's YOU and not the abuser it questions your sanity. I know it wasn't me, but the things he said to me affected me in a big way and I keep going over everything again and again in my mind. When we would get into fights, he would throw everything in my face, even tried to make it like the divorce was probably my fault and seemed to think that people that are divorced are bad people. The thing that made me finally leave was seeing him plastered all over the net, then he lied about it. When he finally realized he wasn't going to get out of this one he admitted it and said he had no intention of meeting women and they are all "just friends" he is extremely insecure, and he needs constant reassurance. When i was suspicous, I did a little search on spokeo and it showed him being on 16 sites. I only found half of them and one was a dating site!!!

 

Anyways, that was just the icing on the cake. The biggest factor is that he was verbally abusive to me, blamed me and wouldn't take responsibility for his behavior. He has ADD and he tries to blame all his actions on that and his bad childhood. He is in his mid 30's so by then you would think he would have dealt with the issues. I know people in their adulthood who have ADD and they are highly functional he is not. Plus, he has OCD (cleaning and working out) We tried going to counselling, it is his psych from 10 years ago so I thought well maybe this will help. Didn't help because when we went in there he tried to make it like " I took it the wrong way" he was possesive, didn't want me to have any social life only him. He was jealous of my son too. He refused med's because he claimed it makes him sleepy and in the end the intimacy had reduced. He was still affectionate but no intimacy which is a huge problem for me.

 

The last thing he said to me was extremely hurtful. My ex and I have shared custody of my son (3.5 days each) and he said something about no wonder I dont have full custody of my son. That hurt. None of his friends in real life call him, his brothers rarely call him because of his anger (yeah another issue), and he tries to make it like it's me that has the issues not him while my friends are always asking to see me!!

 

Anyways, this turned into a rant lol. I really wanted to know if anyone had to seek help. I am thinking I may have to but I don't know what to say.

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Yes...I have and my relationship went on for 10 years...I knew it was over in the first 2 when he called me a

convienence. But ya know like an idiot I let him come back 5 minutes after I should have found my self esteem and said no......Do not fall into this pit I was there for ten years of my life,10 YEARS! All so that he could say abusive things, never answer any questions and knowing that he did not love me...just wanted the next best "thing". he could torture because I knew rationally that I was just a thing to him . I was not the person I had been before I met him though...I was pathetic and just wanted to believe he cared but could not pull out. I finally did get the strength to say forget it when he kept popping up over and over. Your boyfriend is not as narcissist as mine but he is using you as an excuse for all the imperfections and faults in himself...Do yourself a GIANT favor get out before YOU LOSE YOU and if you need to talk to a non judgemental person then do it.

I know I felt like an ass that's why I told a professional rather then let everyone know how I threw 10 years of my life out the window

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Well done for realizing what was going on so fast, and for getting out! You did the right thing and it probably saved you from being even more damaged!

 

I had to seek out counseling at a local women's shelter after leaving my relationship. I did realize that it was abuse and that all of the things he said were not true and were designed to hurt me, but I still felt so badly. I felt guilty and I felt stupid for having had the relationship in the first place. I didn't understand how I got involved with such a man, how could I have been so blind. I also had trouble letting go because he wouldn't stop calling me and trying to either plead or threaten for me to come back. I seriously needed the help I got and only after seeing the counselor was I really able to move on. So if you're in doubt, I suggest you do seek out help, preferably with someone who knows about emotional and verbal abuse and the effects of that kind of treatment on the victim. It does help a lot!

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I know I did the right thing. He is narcisstic. I did some research on the topic recently, and it is him to the T. His dad was alwys ridiculing him, and his brothers especially one of them who is really out of his mind would badger him constantly. It stinks, but I had sibling rivalry growing up. His mom and grandfather and probably dad too have issues. His dad is narcisstic too so it got passed on to him. I don't see how anyone could stay in such a relationship. I guess that when he has a good episode it;s really good and confuses your thinking to think you over reacted. I know i wasn't. He has no empathy, is sadistic, paranoid, obsessive, and has a real mean streak. I thought it would be easier to get over this relationship, but it's not.

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I'd shop around for a really good therapist though. I agree with the other people who have voiced that abuse should be taken very seriously.

 

My non professional opinion of abusers and why their actions haunt us for so long: I think it really has to do with the inconsistencies in their behavior. We cling to the hope that the good side that we occasionally see is the 'real' them and make exceptions that we really can't justify. I hope you'll be able to take in the full picture and hold him fully accountable for the damage he did to you. You deserve it!! You don't need to be devastated by this when you are the victim, not the perpetrator. I know I keep romanticizing the nice aspects of my relationship because it would mean so much to me if my ex actually was the kind, thoughtful person I always hoped he was. I no longer care about why he treated me so poorly when he claimed to love me, over time and with a lot of hard work, I slowly realized that I just don't care anymore. My world has opened up again and I am finally finding other men attractive and enjoying life again. It will happen for you too! I hope therapy will help guide you in the right direction and give you the support to make this happen as gently as possible.

 

Over time, I really think you'll feel stronger in your convictions that the absurd things he tried to get you to swallow were totally inappropriate. The longer I have been away from my ex, the more I understand how right I was for feeling mistreated and violated. Like you said, it's really hard to think straight when your abuser is trying to blame you for everything.

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Hi Enchanted. I read your post, and wondered if you were dating my ex! Ha ha ha. All kidding aside, I have been out of my emotionally abusive relationship for months now, and I can tell you that professional help will be the best thing you can do for yourself to make sure that this does not happen again -- and that you do not go back to him in the future when he finds out that someone else will not be as tolerant of his behavior as you might have been. Emotional abuse is really difficult. It takes such a huge toll on our confidence, self esteem, and regardless of how strong we may think we are for having kissed that terrible ex goodbye, it will affect your next relationship if you don't learn something about him and yourself to help make sure that you do not become involved with someone like this again. I give you so much credit for getting out of this relationship, and so much credit for recognizing that what was happening to you was not okay. In my opinion, now it is time for you to work on yourself, and your future, and professional help can really help make sure that you recover from all of this, stay healthy, and find yourself in a healthy relationship when you are ready. It was the best thing I ever did, and I would really recommend seeing a counselor who you can be open with, and going in there prepared to realize that you cannot change the past, you will never understand him (thank God!), but that you are ready to understand some things about yourself that may have made you a target for someone to treat you this way. It is not our fault that people like this come into our lives, but if you feel anything like I did, you will want to make sure that this does not happen to you again and professional help really does help you to gain some of that perspective.

 

Hugs, and congratulations for doing the hard work of getting yourself out of this! The rest of the work you have to do will be easy compared to that!

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wow. a lot of this hit home for me. I was involved with an abusive man. Never physically, but verbally, emotionally, etc. The kicker, is I have had to spend time healing and getting to know myself, because I went back for more. I somehow wanted to justify his abuse, because he is "sick and doesn't mean it." Whether he means it or not, is not the point. The point is, his comments to me, they never rolled off like water on a duck.

 

He knew always, which buttons to push. How to hurt..and he capitalized on it. He had said awful things, consciensiously, to push me away when he was done. A healthy person would tell him where to go & be done with him. I wasnt. I cried. I pleaded. "Please, dont do this." "Please, dont be so mean." It was awful. There are people in these forums and in life, who are very black and white. "Just move on! Why would you want someone like that? You deserve better." Of course. But, when you weren't whole to begin with (which obviously I wasnt).. someone of this nature, who uses cruelty tactics is devestating. It was to me. I fell into a terrible depression, lost weight and a pregnancy. I didn't even know I was pregnant at the time.

 

He was (is) a liar and cheater. Not just with "me", but in his entire life. His relationships are all short lived and have chaotic endings. Blow-ups. He is an insecure man, who thrives on attention from women to keep him thinking he "still has it." He doesnt allow himself to get close. He is, in many ways, a narcissit. Material things have a high premium. It's about show. He has work done, as women in mid-life do, to remain "youthful". He is not the type to say "You are perfect the way you are." Rather, he often says things like "You should wear your hair like that." "You should wear a dress like that one." Maybe in his eyes, it's a compliment. However, you never feel like he is happy with you. Merely, he is aspiring for you to be more to his liking. An empty feeling. A healthy woman could walk away. I was left standing, cold... wondering "what is it? why doesn't he love me?"

 

But the actual abuse was far worse. Hurtful, mean things I do not even want to repeat. I am better today, in understanding a sick person said those things. Granted, I didn't have to stick around to hear them, but at the time, I was caught up. The aftermath for me, was hard. I didn't walk away gracefully. I lost not only weight and a pregnancy, but my mind. Soon after, I lost my father to cancer...and I was not fully present for it.

 

I try and work on why it was ever important to me, in the first place.. to think I needed or wanted this man's love. I see today, "love" is not an emotion, but an action. He never showed me anything. He is a grown child who doesnt want to be alone and takes hostages along the way.

 

Don't blame yourself. I did. I would rather be me... insecure and all.... imperfections and all, than a person like him, anyday. Don't blame yourself, for someone else's bad behavior.

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You are already gaining your self worth back by leaving, I left a abusive man or 11 years 4 months ago, we have two kids so we still have to talk and hes still trying to get me back. I remember after one week of not talking to him and no texts, that i haven't been insulted for one whole week. Wow it felt great. I went to conselling, my consellor said off the bat that he would not change and not to hope he would. And made me realize some things about myself. I imagine you have so many questions of why, and deep down you feel you did do something wrong to deserve this behaviour. My personal experience i need to understand why he was like that to stop feeling so guilty. On this forum people have suggested some books for me to read, One is "Why does he do that,", the other is "the verbally abusive relationship". These books explains so much, and was like reading my life in a text book. One thing i would like to share with you that my consellor told me, was i couldn't understand my ex's anger or his rage, because i don't get mad and make excuses for his madness. He explained that with inside of me i was coming from a very peaceful place and a problem to me was like jumping over a penny, my ex was coming from hate, fear and issues from his past, a problem to him was like fighting a huge monster. So how could we every fight fair. Hope that helps you. Take care of yourself and give your son all the love in the world.

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I know I did the right thing. He is narcisstic. I did some research on the topic recently, and it is him to the T. His dad was alwys ridiculing him, and his brothers especially one of them who is really out of his mind would badger him constantly. It stinks, but I had sibling rivalry growing up. His mom and grandfather and probably dad too have issues. His dad is narcisstic too so it got passed on to him. I don't see how anyone could stay in such a relationship. I guess that when he has a good episode it;s really good and confuses your thinking to think you over reacted. I know i wasn't. He has no empathy, is sadistic, paranoid, obsessive, and has a real mean streak. I thought it would be easier to get over this relationship, but it's not.

 

Thanks for the further comments Enchanted! Sounds about right to me, yes, about him being narcissistic! And I agree, the good days are what keep people hooked on such people. It is never easy to get over such an intense bond and to get your head straight again after being subjected to the manipulation. How are you doing these days?

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  • 3 weeks later...

I've read that counselling does not help a abusive man because they can con the counsellor first off and secondly they only work on his feelings and the man takes control of how the conselling willl go, but anger managment/control issue counsellors that specialize in that field are the ones to use, they can see right through his malipaitve ways.

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