Anyone gone through a BU due to sex issues?

[hurtforever]

BU was about 4 months ago. Relationship was 9 years. He broke up with me because he was unhappy with the lack of sex (well that is what he told me). I still love him very much. When we split up he told me that he loves me but I don't know if I believe him anymore and I shouldn't hang on to this. I am finding it hard to let go after so long.

 

This kills me inside everyday and I keep blaming myself, even though after the way hes treated me, deep down I know hes not really worth it.

 

I've seen quite a lot of posts on here where people are unhappy with their sex life and it seems more often than not that others advise them to step away from the relationship. I haven't really seen many comments of whether they have eventually broken up and what effect this has had on both sides.

 

Has anyone else been on the receiving end of being dumped because you had issues with sex? If so, how do you cope and move on?

 

Because I dont think in this way and would never dump someone I truly love solely for this reason, I also wondered if anyone has dumped someone for the same reason. Would you ever want to get back together if the other person sorted themselves out and gained more confidence?

 

I cant see myself with anyone else and if I eventually do I think I'm too messed up when it comes to trust and sex after this.

I dont want to ever go through this again and am trying to look at what I need to do to make myself a better and more confident person.

[offplanet]

Well, sex is very important in a relationship, and if one person is unhappy about it, a lifetime is a long time to put up with that.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I looked back to your other threads and I really really think you need to stop focusing on his excuse about the sex. This man is totally irresponsible in life...he made it clear from the beginning of your relationship that he is never interested in getting married. He is completely irresponsible with money, to the point that he has debt collectors after him. You have basically had to be his mother in the relationship rather than his girlfriend. Yes, the sex tapered off and you weren't as interested in sex...part of that may have to do with your self-esteem issues but the other part may also have had to do with the fact that you did not have an equal adult in this relationship and you were carrying the financial burdens while he wanted to act like a spoiled child spending beyond his income and having you pay for it all. Even after your break up, he made no effort to sort out his finances or to even notify any company that he had moved. He didn't bother to collect any of his email because much of it was from debt collectors. So I would say that the sex is not an issue here..the issue is that your ex was a very irresponsible man who just wanted to have fun and play times with no responsibility. Like a child does when a toy become boring and no more fun to play with, he threw you away like he throws away his money, like he throws away his bills, like he throws away responsibility. This man is a big loser and I really think you need to stop focusing on what he says about the sex being the cause and start seeing him as the overgrown child he is. If it wouldn't have been sex it would have been something else because this man is irresponsible and just wants to live a carefree life.

[hurtforever]

Thanks Crazyaboutdogs. Think pretty much every word you said there says it all and you are right! Sometimes I need to tell myself it wasnt just me that was the route of the problem. Its just hard when the reason you are given for the end of a nine year relationship is this, when I put up with all his crap and didn't think about leaving him because I love him and I let my emotions get in the way. You are right though about him wanting a carefree life, I just wish he had the balls to tell me that was another reason why he wanted to leave.

 

I am in NC at the moment, bet hes having the time of his life without any responsibilities. I know what hes like though, the money issue still wont even come into his mind and it could have eventually caused even more problems for us.

 

I know I keep going on about the sex problem but its the only reason for him leaving me that I've been left with and it makes me want to scream.

 

The reason for my post is just to try and understand how he thinks and the way he feels after the relationship. Is he that selfish to think that his money issues and irresponsibility weren't an issue and can just continue and do the same to someone else but be happy as long as hes getting plenty of sex. God knows which woman would put up with that for as long as I did.

 

I will come back to your post when I am missing him and feeling down because you tell it like it is!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Someone like him will never own up to their part in the relationship failing..he will always blame the other person. Don't take what he said seriously...look at the source...look at the kind of man he is. When people say things, you have to evaluate what they say and why they say it. Don't focus on him..focus on yourself. Heal your wounds and work on your self-esteem issues. It is your self-esteem issues that allowed you to put up with this overgrown child for so long. I suspect when you eventually get into a relationship with a REAL man, your experience with sex might be very different. So don't use this experience as something that defines you and your future...you can change how things will go in the next relationship by working on your self-esteem issues and choosing a man who is more responsible and not looking for temporary girlfriends.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Doesn't everybody do that?

 

Sometimes people do own up to what they did which caused the relationship to fail. Notice how the OP is owning up to the sex issue and thinks that is the real reason why it ended. At least she sees that she had some issues that can be worked on..however her ex doesn't own up to anything and will likely never work on his issues.

 

Your signature is kind of interesting...I know quite a few divorced people and most of them are very bitter towards their ex..who ran off with someone else...ran off with all the money...put them in a financially worse situation etc, fighting over the children, the house...etc etc. I don't know of anyone who is grateful to have had the experience of loving and losing because at least they are not a virgin anymore. Even the posts on this forum from people who have lost their first loves...they are devastated...not one person expresses relief that they are happy to have experienced that relationship simply because they got to lose their virginity. Many are angry or very very sad that they lost a person they truly loved and thought they would spend their life with. It is the loss which is upper most in their mind rather than the sexual experience they had.