How can it be so RIGHT yet things be so WRONG!

[Nikko]

I never believed in real true instense passionate love until I met my boyfriend a year and a half ago. Everything about this man was a page from my book. He is the man I want to marry. But there are a few MAJOR differences that we have that prevent our relationship from being the best it can be. We fight over every little thing because of his issues with insecurity, control and jealousy. He's constantly playing detective whether that entails him going thru my phone, fb, or questioning my whereabouts and previous comments so to put the puzzle pieces "together". He doesn't like any of my male friends, doesn't like me talking to other men, including his male family members and has been suspicious of my own male family members. He complains about what I wear, although some of his points are valid, but he goes to great length to "modify" what I wear even if that means breaking up with me. He's extremely hypocritical, gets mad over everything I do but will turn around and do the EXACT same thing! I'm a care-free, trusting, fun, passionate, caring person who gets along with any and everyone. I don't have insecurities, or many cares. As long as he doesn't cheat or lie my man has all the freedom in the world. So why does he put me in this box? My man is VERY VERY model like handsome so I don't get where the insecurities come from.

[ambigram]

All insecurities come from childhood so that's something he'll eventually need to figure out. That being said,perhaps he's not used to being with someone that is so loose with their attentions towards others...Looks has nothing to do with it. When you're walking down the street with someone that you think only has eyes for you and you can't help but notice thet their eyes don't only have eyes for you,it's very discerning. Chances are if you keep it up he'll find someone that he doesn't feel the need to keep his eye on all the time so he can simply be...

[Moontiger]

I believe in looking at objective facts in a situation.

 

1) He is jealous

2) He is controlling

3) He tells you what to wear

4) He is isolating you from friends and family

5) He goes through your phone and FB because he doesn't trust you.

 

Do you know these are all signs of an abusive relationship? I recommend you check this out: link removed

 

IMO, you need to get away from him until he has gone through extensive therapy.

[Moontiger]

All insecurities come from childhood so that's something he'll eventually need to figure out. That being said,perhaps he's not used to being with someone that is so loose with their attentions towards others...Looks has nothing to do with it. When you're walking down the street with someone that you think only has eyes for you and you can't help but notice thet their eyes don't only have eyes for you,it's very discerning. Chances are if you keep it up he'll find someone that he doesn't feel the need to keep his eye on all the time so he can simply be...

 

Umm, what? You mean he has the right to tell her what to wear, who to hang out with, go through her phone, break up with her if he doesn't do what he says and SHE is the one that need to modify her behavior?????

 

That is so completely wrong I don't have words for it. These issues stem from him NOT her NOT her action NOT what she wears.

[blackhawks1287]

Nikko you need to reevaluate your situation...you see things for what they are yet you want to marry this man? All of these things are instilled in him...and you see yourself being a controlled wife who is not trustworthy?

 

You won't change him, he has to do it himself.

 

And you are with him why? WHAT ABOUT HIM MAKES YOU WANT TO MARRY AND SPEND YOUR LIFE WITH HIM? His character sure ain't it, maybe your superficial attitude towards his looks?

 

Nothing about this person deems relationships material...but you love this sort of negative/abusive type of relationship...

[ambigram]

Not at all...But it does often happen that the low cutting blouses and short skirts that once attracted a man towards a woman become a concern when the woman seems to have captured the love of her life...Like why keep it up when you've got 'the one'? And I also said that the insecurities are his issues that he'll need to deal with. Meanin_if he doesn't like who she is after he gets to know her,then bail...

[Moontiger]

Perhaps because its personal style, what she likes to wear. Tell someone what to wear is one sign of an abusive relationship. To put any of the blame on what he is doing on her is nothing more then blaming the victim. I going to use an extreme example here, if her clothing CAUSE his actions it the same as saying a rape victim got raped because of the cloths she wore.

[ambigram]

Perhaps because its personal style, what she likes to wear. Tell someone what to wear is one sign of an abusive relationship. To put any of the blame on what he is doing on her is nothing more then blaming the victim. I going to use an extreme example here, if her clothing CAUSE his actions it the same as saying a rape victim got raped because of the cloths she wore.

 

Oh God,no...I do get what you're saying and like most anything,there's a fine line...For example.....If the 'love of my life',says it bothers her when I wear a pair of shorts that shows off my junk then I'll get bigger shorts. Perhaps I've never noticed that my junk was being noticed before in those shorts because I'm oblivious to that fact because I'm a dumb man. NOW,if she says it bothers her and I continue to wear them because"that's who I am',then there's a problem because my desire to show off my junk becomes more important than how she feels..........

[Nikko]

Ambigram, I can't lie and say that in the past my choice in clothing was "attention seeking" but I have made great changes from that. I can respect that some men may not want their woman's good all out there but he trips over my skinny jeans! He says that if I'm going to wear them then I need to compromise by wearing a top that goes further enough down to cover my butt. Does that sound right to you? Now he has made points that I don't need to be wearing booty shorts and shirts that expose a lot of cleavage. That I can understand but my man doesn't like me to show ANY cleavage, modest or not. From your first post, I found you to be a bit harsh and unfair, although I do respect your opinions. You did make me think more wisely to pick my battles with him unless I do want him to end up leaving. But Moontiger is right his insecure behavior is a form of abuse. This isn't only about what I wear, although I bet it would make things easier than what they are. My eyes are ONLY for him. That doesn't mean I don't find other people attractive, but I only WANT to physically and emotionally be with him. There is no need for him to be possessive or insecure. He doesn't like to bring me around his family because some of the males have commented on my looks and because I converse with him he feels we both are being disrespectful. ALL my friends and family find him attractive and have said so. Why can't compliments be taken as such, just a compliment? No ones trying to bone anyone here. I know what my options are either put up or shut up.

[Moontiger]

Nikko, you cannot change him. In fact, his only hope for getting help with his problems is if you leave him. I know this isn't what you want to hear but it is the truth. As long as you are with him it sends the message that what he is doing is O.K.

 

I don't want to scare you but this is something you need to hear: there is a very high chance he will become physically abusive. Please contact someone of the resources from that link I posted. They will be able to give you information on what you need to do to stay safe.

[blackhawks1287]

Nikko, thank you for answering my direct questions...they are valid and important...

 

Fill us in on why this emotionally abusive person is marriage material other than his looks and how he treats you so poorly, but seemingly so right?

[ambigram]

woman's good all out there but he trips over my skinny jeans! He says that if I'm going to wear them then I need to compromise by wearing a top that goes further enough down to cover my butt. Does that sound right to you? Now he has made points that I don't need to be wearing booty shorts and shirts that expose a lot of cleavage. That I can understand but my man doesn't like me to show ANY cleavage, modest or not. From your first post, I found you to be a bit harsh and unfair, although I do respect your opinions. You did make me think more wisely to pick my battles with him unless I do want him to end up leaving. But Moontiger is right his insecure behavior is a form of abuse. This isn't only about what I wear, although I bet it would make things easier than what they are. My eyes are ONLY for him. That doesn't mean I don't find other people attractive, but I only WANT to physically and emotionally be with him. There is no need for him to be possessive or insecure. He doesn't like to bring me around his family because some of the males have commented on my looks and because I converse with him he feels we both are being disrespectful. ALL my friends and family find him attractive and have said so. Why can't compliments be taken as such, just a compliment? No ones trying to bone anyone here. I know what my options are either put up or shut up.

 

 

 

 

 

I totally agree that when someone tries to dictate(dictate),how you should dress,act or behave that it is a form of controlling behavior and should be looked at by you and if you deem it as a personality flaw in him then it's something that you're either willing to put up with,or not. Nobody on here can tell you if that behavior is going to manifest into something more extreme in the future. Nobody on here can tell you that it won't..People are people. We all get caught up into our 'new' person that we fall for. Then we eventually look at them with open eyes...And decide if they are the type of person that are willing to compromise...You compromise for people that you actually love

[ambigram]

Nikko, you cannot change him. In fact, his only hope for getting help with his problems is if you leave him. I know this isn't what you want to hear but it is the truth. As long as you are with him it sends the message that what he is doing is O.K.

 

I don't want to scare you but this is something you need to hear: there is a very high chance he will become physically abusive. Please contact someone of the resources from that link I posted. They will be able to give you information on what you need to do to stay safe.

 

WOW....Fear monger much???

[Moontiger]

You don't compromise with abusive behavior which is exactly what telling someone what they can and cannot wear is.

 

Why don't you do a little research into abusive relationships before you accuse me of being a fear monger.

[ambigram]

You don't compromise with abusive behavior which is exactly what telling someone what they can and cannot wear is.

 

Why don't you do a little research into abusive relationships before you accuse me of being a fear monger.

 

I guess you're just not getting it.. I'm not talking about dictating to someone what they can or cannot wear. Like I said,it's a fine line,and it is....I don't know if you're man,woman or beast,but if your partner wanted to go out with you wearing a pair of shorts with her ass cheeks hanging out of the bottom and it didn't agree with you,would you say nothing? I just don't get it...

[Moontiger]

What you are not getting is all his other behavior coupled with his issues with her clothing. He is an abuser. These behaviors often lead to physical abuse.

 

There is also huge difference between voicing a concern and breaking up with someone who doesn't do what you say when you tell them you don't like their clothing.

[ambigram]

In my opinion that's exactly what he should be doing...Breaking up with her because that's not something that he wants in his partner. If he stuck around perhaps it would get to him to the piont where he could become abusive because it's not something that he wants to have with a supposed life time partner(Hey-that's why we're all in this game-to find a lifetime partner).. And if you voice a concern and the (I don't even know which word to use here,but I'll use 'thrill),of dressing to suit yourself and f**k( what my partner thinks)....Then it's time to bail....Seems he bailed or probably soon will or she'll compromise....That's it in a nutshell...And we're all here in nutshells....I pick my underwear up off of the bedroom floor now because my partner hates it when I don't.....She's such a control freak....

[ambigram]

Just wanted to add that I based all my replies completely on the 'clothing' factor...That other stuff is cause for concern unless of course you've actually been giving him reason to be concerned...And only you,him and the fencepost know that........

[whysoalone]

I believe in looking at objective facts in a situation.

 

1) He is jealous

2) He is controlling

3) He tells you what to wear

4) He is isolating you from friends and family

5) He goes through your phone and FB because he doesn't trust you.

 

Do you know these are all signs of an abusive relationship? I recommend you check this out: link removed

 

IMO, you need to get away from him until he has gone through extensive therapy.

 

I wouldn't call it anything near an abusive relationship, being jealous doesn't mean being abusive. There's a massive line between the two and anyone who believe that's abuse needs to grab a dictionary. That being said, he does seem like a jealous person and that can't be changed about someone. He has insecurities that could go far back to another relationship. Sit down and work through them with him, I know I would get jealous easily of my ex's male friends etc..

[Mesemene]

From experience - when you've done nothing to warrant being mistrusted, the privacy invasion can totally sink a relationship. My ex went through my phone, computer, even undies drawer looking for vindication for his jealousy.

 

It actually stemmed from his infidelity, which really made it burn all the more.

 

You've been with him long enough to suggest going to some sort of counseling. At the very least, do that. Make it clear to him that it hurts you when you've given him no cause or justification for him to mistrust you - especially with family members!!! That's way over the line, and definitely a problem!

[jaysmaury]

The relationship is doomed to failure so it is better it happen earlier rather than later. Are you guys pretty young? This sounds pretty normal for a lot of guys in their first relationship in high school or middle school. There is a learning curve for a lot of people when it comes to dating and how to treat people and cope with insecurities.

 

However, to assume this guy needs therapy or to say he has created an abusive relationship is a bit harsh and presumptuous...

[ambigram]

Exactly.....And the main problem is that that we have no idea if the pivacy invasion is warranted because she didn't state what her faults(blame) in this situation were(and there surely are some). So It's kinda like a judge hearing a case from a store owner that had meat stolen by a five year old only to find out later that the kid was starving..........

[Moontiger]

I'm amazed people here don't know the signs of an abusive relationship. I really hope none of you have to go through what the OP is going through there is a high likely she is in ab abusive relationship that could turn violent.

 

Here are some links, I hope you guys bother actually reading them and educate yourselves on this topic before you encourage someone to stay in a situation like this.

 

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Notice that is ALL of these the behavior that the OP has listed are signs of abuse.

[ambigram]

And I'm amazed,as others here probably are too,how people like you want to look at things and come to a conclusion based on a cookie cutter solution.. Oh,this happened,so it's got to be this...

 

Like i've said before,in this situation we only get to hear one side of the story...Let's put things into perspective...Let's say that perhaps there was a man that fell in love with a woman. Let's say that that woman posted on here about how he wonders about the way she dresses,interacts with other men,and the amount of time she spends flirting and chatting to others on her computer...And in the end it's discovered that she is a woman that no man should get involved with. He checks things out and figures that out for himself and leaves her for good.... Was concerned and looked into things and decided that she's no good for him...Why does he become the bad person because he's checking her out to see if her actions match her words? Why does he become the bad guy because he has doubts,(gut feelings),and wants to make sure that he's not imagining things before he decides to cut loose someone that he loves?? Why is it only him that is described by people like you to be a typical abuser?...Give your head a shake..

[Moontiger]

I can see you didn't bother looking at the links or reading the OP's opening post. To bad, I hope that you never have a daughter who has to deal with a man who goes through her phone, get jealous when she talks to her FAMILY, tries to control what she wears, and plays with her emotions by breaking up with her when she doesn't comply with his wishes. Please educate yourself before you give out advice on what is and is not abuse.