Jump to content

Moving on, I can't help but remember the fantastic person.


Recommended Posts

Hi everyone,

 

I found this forum by chance really, trying to find reason or, if I'm honest, trying to find a way to get my ex back.

I've been through alot of threads and it really has been a great deal of help but I'm having trouble finding that last bit of resolve to forget about her and move on.

Here is an overview.

I met my (now) ex about 4 years ago and we instantly hit it off. She truly is the most beautiful and wonderful girl I've ever met. To cut the story short I sold my house and moved to her town and for a short while things were fantastic. We used to talk for hours and hours, I could just watch and listen to her all night, truly I thought all of my christmases and birthdays had all come together. We travelled, we partied, we talked about the future. Eventually I asked her marry me and she said yes.

 

That was the fairy tale, but here are the details.

When we met she was in therapy for a "personality disorder" which I completely glossed over. How this wonderful woman could have a personality disorder was completely beyond me. I put it aside completely and it's something I only recently recalled. Her mother has been on anti-depressants since she was a child, she was raped by a boyfriend at 15 and had an abortion (I suspect late but not confirmed) afterwards. She has never got over this and we've spoken at length about how this has affected her life and how, until now, she hasn't wanted to have a baby. I've been as supportive as I possibly could be, I wanted this woman in my life forever and dreamed of the life we could create together.

Around 2 years ago she took time off work (new management role) with stress, and spent the next 9 months in a downward spiral smoking weed all day and drawing.

She has a history of anorexia which she spent time as an in-patient recovering over several months and her family are over protective. She had been losing weight and her family (and GP) were bullying her into believing she was having a repeat episode (I don't think this was true since I remember her eating like a horse) This episode ended up with her GP threatening to have her sectioned if she didn't seek treatment voluntarily. She did seek treatment and was discharged (no apology, I was disgusted with her family for treating her like this)

There's nothing so ironic as life to throw in a few curve balls at you and it wasn't until very shortly afterwards my mother died (my only remaining parent) and I think it was an alcohol related heart attack. I'm also a divorcee with children of my own, I've had a vasectomy which was, at the time, final but future forward definitely something to reconsider.

So, on the day of my mum's funeral we were driving back home and she turned to me and said "I had booked us into relate (relationship councilling) tonight because I didn't think we'd be staying so long" that was the first time she'd let me know that she thought there anything wrong with us. I didn't say anything, I was completely shell shocked and we went to the relate sessions which were not very useful. It's not until now that I really get the irony.

So eventually we move house and not 2 days after we've moved in she moved out. She laid out the reasons that she left and I took it to heart and sought help. I saw a therapist who told me, catagorically, that there was nothing wrong with me and that without moving on I couldn't be helped.

 

She kept me dancing around for the next 3 months, coming around and spending time with me but maintaining a boundary until I asked her to come back because I truly love her and would move heaven and earth to make things work. She did come back, I had a reversal operation (are you keeping up) and we were totally resolute on having a family.

She came and moved back home (with a huge debt, unknown to me) and told me that she wanted to start an art compnay (from scratch) I poured in the cash and drove her hundreds of miles to enter her work into competitions but it wasn't happening and so the smoking weed habit escalated to the point that I was coming home after a day at work and waking her up. She'd be in a foul mood for the rest of day and (as it turned out later) would blame me for it. My (perceived, disappointment etc etc.)

 

So (and I'm sure she doesn't appreciate the significance of the dates) she left me 2 days before my mum's birthday, 1 month before her death and 1 month before a milestone birthday.

I'm absolutely gutted, I want her back so badly but at the same time I know it can't be right. I've supported everything she's ever done but I've never got any credit for it. I was treading on eggshells for months just to tell her that I thought it was important that she pull her weight financially (if she can) which culminated in her leaving for a couple of days.

 

I know none of this describes a healthy relationship but I'm really having trouble letting go, if I'm honest I'd take her back in a heartbeat.

Please help me move on.

Link to comment

Acceptance mate , I feel your pain but its out of our control, learn and grow sadly the pain or part that misses her is gonna stay for a long while if not life, It gets better I know after my first serious relationship 10yrs it took me 2yrs to recover, my most recent one 7moths and i already feel good but i won't date anyone for a long time or if i do ill make them aware so they dont get used as a rebound. Time is our greatest asset and who knows perhaps they may come back perhaps not. I hated all the cliches after my split from the 10yr relationaship it was like, what do you know, there all bollocks, my life is over and then one day you just wake up and realise they all click but it doesn't stop the mourning of the loss

Link to comment

I am sorry about what you are going through. It is strange how the brain selectively chooses to remember the good and not bad. So what kinda helped me was to write down bad experiences or traits on post-it's and put them all over my pad. You could write "smokes too much weed.". "In debt". "caused me to lose my money" as a reminder of why this woman was toxic for you.

Link to comment

Thermaltake, thank you so much for replying.

I know it's out of my control. I also know that I'm a good looking, successful bloke with a very low opinion of himself right now. It's a massive conflict and truly I know that I should move on.. Ah, but in the 4 years I've moved here I've only met less than a handful of her friends (red flags) so I literally have no support network. I am making plans but very cautiously..

I know my life isn't over.... but for now it is.. I'm sure you know what I mean.

Link to comment

Thanks Naomi,

It's an exercise I've done in my head which is pretty bloody useless as I can manipulate and rationalise that image any way I feel.

I do still love her, I really can't reconcile a time that I won't. I don't know if it's the lost love or the feeling of betrayal, i can't tell the difference right now.

Link to comment
Thanks Naomi,

It's an exercise I've done in my head which is pretty bloody useless as I can manipulate and rationalise that image any way I feel.

I do still love her, I really can't reconcile a time that I won't. I don't know if it's the lost love or the feeling of betrayal, i can't tell the difference right now.

I know I know. I am stuck too rationalizing still after 3 months nc, so I feel your pain.

Link to comment

Her problems are never going to leave her unless she vows to make changes on her own. You cannot help her even though you pretty much handed your bleeding heart on a silver platter for her to chew and spit out. I know you will have feelings for her no matter what but you should devote your time and energy to things that deserve your attention like your children or date new people... just casually. You can see how she is doing now and then, but things might never change. I'm sorry these things happened, even though you can't help your feelings you can help how you react to things around you. Best of luck, I know you will recover.

Link to comment

I do understand, I really do. I feel so impotent over the whole thing though.. She now has a job (now we've split, even though it's been over 18 months since she last worked) and I just feel as though it was all up to me to fix everything that was wrong. I encouraged her to work and to get out of the house, I guess it took court action (from the bank) to make it happen. I'm feeling incredibly jealous right now, I have a whole picture of how she is now seeing someone else and saying how she was stifled. Who knows?

I have a lively imagination...

She only introduced me to a handfull of her friends in 4 years, I think there is something intrinsically wrong with that...

I'm not so egotistical that I'm going to say that this is all her fault (although I can't help thinking this at times)

Indigoblue, you are right. I know I will recover but really I'm starting from scratch, and that's really hard.

Thank you so much for all of your replies

Link to comment

Naomi, I manage to earn quite alot of money. It was never something that was going to have a serious effect on my family although with the fallout we couldn't go on holiday this year (she sent me a text when I was picking them up) I do imagine that she'll move on very quickly to the next guy and share her problems. I think that part of my problem (now) is that it's not me.. I didn't ask for someone with so many issues, but I couldn't turn my back on her.

I have to add, the first time we broke up was because she thought I didn't want to be a family. The second time was because she thought I have control issues.

I think that's true to some extent, can you watch someone so talented throw away their life or try and drive it for them? (that sounds ridiculous, it's what I tried to do I guess)

Link to comment
I think that part of my problem (now) is that it's not me.. I didn't ask for someone with so many issues, but I couldn't turn my back on her.

I have to add, the first time we broke up was because she thought I didn't want to be a family. The second time was because she thought I have control issues.

I think that's true to some extent, can you watch someone so talented throw away their life or try and drive it for them? (that sounds ridiculous, it's what I tried to do I guess)

 

Unfortunately, stable people who love people who haven't dealt with major issues tend to try to be the caretaker. It's not wrong - though when the other person looks back, they can see it as attempts at control. Unfortunately, if they're still in the midst of their issues, they can't do what a healthy person can and take that step back to see the other side of the coin.

 

That said - losing someone you're trying to help leaves a BIG void. It's similar, in many ways, to what families of addicts or alcoholics deal with - until the person isn't there, you really don't realize just HOW much of your day to day existence revolved around worrying about them and trying to make up for any problems or shortcomings to avoid them being embarrassed or humiliated, or to look like less than the inner person you see them as.

 

So you're recovering and healing X2. Not only have you lost the relationship you wanted to have - you've lost the issues your life had started to revolve around.

 

Just remember when it feels like something is missing - it is - and it's going to take time and effort to fill the void she left, and the void her needs left. Start filling some of it with some positive things that maybe you put aside to be with her? There has to be something you'd like to do just because it sounds interesting, or you never had the chance, and well, now's the time to "just do it." You deserve more out of life than enabling someone else to avoid dealing with their issues, hmm?

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...