my break up story - no hope left?

[Adelka85]

Could you please read my break up storry and help me fight this feeling of being helpless and stuck.

 

He broke up with me 3 months ago for the reason of lack of commitment from my part and doubts about my feelings that I expressed. We've been together for almost 3 years in a distance relatioship - that was never a problem as we menaged to see each other on the weekends. I must admit he was alway the one more involved and anxious. Once I lost him I realised how special guy he was and I thought that showing it to him is the way to go. I did all the classic post break up mistakes like begging and pleading. I said sorry many times and even drove 300 km just to talk to him for an hour. As you expect, it didn't help at all. He refused coming back, got very cold and even told me about 2 random girls he kissed on a party (he said he's telling me that as he wants me to realise that it's over). I was shocked with his behaviour. Not only he changed his attitude towards me but whole his lifestyle. He started to party a lot, drinking, meeting many new girls. He used to be a shy, calm and modest guy with clearly defined morals (a kind of good boy). I had difficulties with convincing him to go out on the weekend and now he is out almost every night! When I asked him why did he changed his attitude in those matters he told me that now he enjoys the freedom of doing whatever he wants and he regrets not having an intensive social life before (I must add that I wanted him to be more social). I suppose his change might have to do with the fact that he got his first job and it's really well paid and prestigious - it gave him a huge ego boost as he is no more a student who can't afford many things.

He hurt me with many things that he said so I stepped back and didn't talk to him much. Things got better - he started to initiate contact, talking about feelings etc. He even came to my town (to visit a friend) and proposed a meeting. After that he admitted that things between us just can't end up this way, he's been hiding his true feelings for me for the past month and he truly loves me and misses me - just need to sort things out. I was very enthusiastic at that time (about 1.5 month ago). Unfortunately he stopped contacting me and got distant again. This time he told me that maybe I shouldn't be waiting for him as once he wants me back he will take the right steps and I can't influence him in any way. So I tried not to contact him at all. He contacted me from time to time (once a week usualy), I broke the nc rule as well several times. 3 weeks ago I went on a trip that was the direct reason of the break up (I choosed to go with a friend, not him) - I was about to cancel it but he told me that it wouldn't change his decission. He keeps contacting me every several day. Last weekend he sent me a picture from our last year holiday trip, he liked a picture that I posted on fb and we had a nice conversation about every day life as well. Unfortunately I did a mistake of texting him on Monday (we haven't been texting for 2 months, we use only messangers to communicate) - he texted me back but he was also the one to finish our sms conversation. And now he stays silent again.

The last time we talked about us and feelings he addmited that he misses many good moments but still feels hurt with the way I treated him. There is also one thing that complicates the situation very much and doesn't let him come back - my departure abroad in January. I'm going on a 4 month long students exchange program and he doesn't like it from the poing of view of our relation. He told me we can never know the future but he doesn't see the point of getting back together now.

I know that the closer is my departure the less probable is getting back together. I need to act fast, just don't know how. I know there's no other girl for now. He said it would be to early and he just seem to enjoy the single life (that means many girls and nothing serious but it's still better than one special...). In my mothers opinion it's all because he didn't have time to experience youth as we got together when he was only 18 so now he needs to try things out.

Anyway I'm so confused and I need to be shown a clear direction to follow. Any advices?

[Adelka85]

So you think that even if I try to be more strict with the no contact rule there's no chance?

[Thorshammer]

Eh, it really does seem like hes enjoying the single life. Dont wait for him in between his flings, because it seems like that is what hes doing. You actually help him have confidence to approach these women, because the girl that he felt didnt want him... CAME BACK and DOES want HIM, that is a great self esteem boost. Not only that, his self esteem wont take a dive from the rejection from these women, and it wont bother him the slightest to keep trying over and over if you seem like you are waiting in the wings for back-up.

 

Dont hit him up, tell him you are worth more than this, and leave. Do it for real this time. Dont bother responding to him until he makes a bigger effort to return to a relationship. Now he is dumping you, you are the dumpee, so stop chasing.

[Adelka85]

It's sounds very logical and reasonable what you wrote. So you think that no contact is the way to go and I should show him that he lost me for good?