Am I Really Too Busy?? Or Would Guys Really Just Rather Have a "Needy" Girl?

[Daisy11]

Ugh, okay ENA'ers I'm counting on you to give me some input here. I recently started dating a new guy (one of my friends actually) about two months ago. We had been friends for awhile before dating but only saw each other maybe once every few months. The first month together, actually dating, was a lot of fun. It was summer time and we spent every weekend together out on his boat and I was starting to like him more and more each time we were together. Until recently when he has started acting distant.

 

I asked him what the problem was and he said that he wasn't sure but that this relationships is different than any other that he's been in. He said that he's never had a girl that has a schedule as busy or busier than his own. He said he's used to his girls always calling him and complaining that he works too much and they don't get to see him enough. He's used to them texting him throughout the day and asking if they could see him that night. I guess I don't do this enough and he doesn't like it. He said that he feels like he's single when he's not around me. (What does that even mean?!)

 

A little background on me. I have a career and love my work. I was recently promoted to a manager and some nights my work keeps me in the office late. This doesn't happen too often but yes, it does come up. I also own my own home and it's a decent size home, thus requiring a lot of maintenane and attention, which can be a lot for one person to keep up with alone. I am also involved in the local Kiwanis Club and that keeps me busy every so often with charity events and fundraisers. Oh, and my Mom has stage 4 breast cancer.

 

Okay, so that being said. Due to a late night at work this past Tuesday, a Kiwanis event Wednesday and dinner with my Mom Thursday I haven't had much time to spend with my boyfriend this week. However, we have plans for tonight (Friday) in which I'm making him dinner at my house and we are going to have a bonfire and we have plans tomorrow night to go a concert with friends. Yes, I would like to see him more often but seeing him 2 - 3 times a week for now is plenty for me since we haven't even been truly dating all that long. And I'm sorry but I really enjoy the activities I'm involved in and my career and house so I do not want to change that. And I especially will NOT for any man stop seeing my Mom once or twice a week, especially with everything that is going on with her health.

 

The type of girls he used to date lived in apartments, therefore little to no maintenance other than cleaning, they had "jobs" (one was a bartender for example) not "careers". And they weren't involved in community organizations.... not sure about their families health history. So my question is; Would men really rather have clingy, needy women? I always thought that the fact that I can support myself would be a bonus in a man's eyes. The fact that I do give him space and let him have his own life. I was engaged around this time two years ago and although that relationship didn't work out, the way our schedules meshed was great.

 

I'm 27 and want to have a family and get married some day. I hope the life I've created for myself isn't going to prevent that.

[DN]

I think he is being unreasonable. 2 - 3 times a week is plenty at the outset of a relationship and under your specific circumstances.

[Captain Obvious]

Im sure plenty of guys would have no problem with seeing you 2-3 times a week, maybe this guy isnt for you if hes not willing to accept the amount youre busy doing other things.

[Daisy11]

It's just so frustrating. It's not like I'm out with the girls drinking or partying every night. Or that I'm choosing to just stay home and veg instead of spending time with him. I just have other commitments. After my fiance' and I broke up I worked so hard to create a life that kept me involved and productive to keep my mind off of his leaving. Now apparently I'm too busy to even date ??? What the heck.

 

I just want to find someone I can be happy with. I'm so let down and losing faith in the fact that "someone right for me" is out there. I thought this time around by dating someone I was friends with first would be the ticket and we'd hopefully have a great relationship together. Maybe no one is right for me.

[FathomFear]

No, not all people are like this. You'll find posts on this forum, for example, from guys who are frustrated that they get endless texts and feel smothered.

 

I have no doubt that some people love the constant attention though. If I were you I wouldn't focus on changing your lifestyle. I would just focus, perhaps, on doing more to let him know that he's wanted and desired. Maybe a few ecards here and there, flirty texts, etc. Just something to remind him of you between the periods where you see each other. Nothing excessive, but perhaps it will be enough to satisfy him.

[RoxyGril]

Even though you maybe busy but, you have a lot going for you. I am sorry on the situation with your mom. I am sure that isn't easy to deal with! Though 2 - 3 days a weeks is not bad and he needs to be more understanding. There are guys out there that would really find interest in you and what you do. There is someone right for you...

[johnnyp]

Seeing someone 2-3 times a week is PERFECT! Just enough time apart to build anticipation for seeing each other next time. And god no, no-one wants a 'needy' partner...well, unless they're needy too. Needy is a nightmare!!

 

A successful woman with her own busy life is very attractive. It just sounds like he's a little needy TBH. It shows great insecurity that he's upset that you're not fawning after him and planning your whole life around him like some lovestruck 14-year old.

[nutbrownhare]

Yes, he sounds needy. Given that it's early days, wait and see what happens; either he will get used to it and appreciate the well-grounded person you actually are, or the relationship will not work. Seeing someone 2 -3 times a week is absolutely fine. You don't owe him every second of your spare time. However, it is nice to keep in touch lots when you're not actually seeing each other, as it ensures that the other person feels remembered and appreciated.

 

The problem might just be that he's unfamiliar with independent women and it's a bit of a shock to the system, and he will hopefully get used to this. When I started seeing my partner, he said that he was used to being 'the one' in relationships who had a very good level of general knowledge, and it felt strange to be with a woman who did - and, especially, with someone who knew more about art than he did. He got the hang of it very quickly, though, and it's now a massive enrichment to the relationship.

 

If this doesn't happen with you, on NO ACCOUNT give up your interests or your time with your mother. There are guys out there who appreciate women who aren't clingy or needy!

[Mesemene]

Sounds like he's very used to "clingy" women who want his world to revolve around them - and he's not quite sure how to handle being in a more normal and balanced dating relationship. He may be used to relying on the constant nagging to validate how interested they are in him - and this just turns his idea of how things work upside down.

 

I'd talk to him and explain that you really enjoy your time together - but you also love your career and family and need to balance everything out, having time for everything. Ask him, as an above poster suggested, if there's something little you can do to remind him you're thinking of him, like an e-card once a week - and if he can work on really appreciating the benefits of not having a cling-on for a girlfriend - after all, those relationships aren't around anymore!

[Furtive]

You're a hell of a catch...of course you can always find someone that doesn't mesh, but don't count everyone out.

 

Give it some time, if you and him are not compatible, just look for someone else.

 

Also, keep in mind that the more educated and successful people are, the later in life they have children on average (not out of my rear, I had a demography class in college!).

 

Nothing wrong with starting and having your family in your mid-late 30's even to early 40s. Don't feel like it's getting too late at 27, it's really not!

 

Find a guy that's as successful, dedicated, and educated as yourself. Maybe you don't want to do all the same types of things...because no one wants 24/7 hanging out, but a guy that volunteers at organizations he supports, works a lot, has his own house...you get the idea.

 

You'll be fine, don't think that this guy is "a typical guy." No one is typical, that's a fallacy.

[Daisy11]

Yeah I think he might be the one that's too needy! I don't know. Maybe some of you are right and he will get used to being with someone like me with a busy schedule. We'll see. I texted him today about mid-afternoon and asked how his day was going and he just replied "fine" and I wrote back "that's good babe! Looking forward to seeing you tonight!!" and I haven't heard anything since. It's 7:00 here and I think he was planning on coming over around 7:30 so I guess I'll just see if he shows up or not. I mean I tried to give him some attention today but he doesn't really respond to my texts when I try so I don't know what else to do??

 

Furtive - thanks for your reassuring words. Your post made me feel better that I still have a "chance" ha ha if this doesn't work out. I'm just in one of those situations where all of my friends are married and although none have started their families yet, they are all talking about how soon the babies are going to start coming....... so of course, at 27 I feel like I'm way behind schedule. Although I would much rather marry and start a family with someone that's right for me then just anyone so hopefully I"ll find that Mr. Right sometime

[Daisy11]

No kidding. Well even when we were just friends he used to kind of annoy me with that but I didn't pick up on how much he probably really spent with his ex-girlfriend. When they first broke up (this was about a year ago) he would call me and complain about how bored he was. I would give him an endless list of things he could do to occupy himself and keep his mind off of her...... at the time I just thought he was depressed and unmotivated due to their break-up....... but now I kind of wonder if he truly didn't know what to do with himself without her around!!

 

Oh wow.

[DN]

So - how are you going to handle this?

[Daisy11]

I don't know what to do. He just texted me.... didn't call... and said that he's helping his Dad with something so he might not get here until 9:00. No apology, just that he's going to be late. So I wrote back that I have dinner ready and that after we eat I'd like to stop by a bar that's close to my house because they are switching owners and will be closed for two months after this weekend. He said that he's tired from work and doesn't want to go but I could go.

 

Really? So he gives me all of this anxiety this week because he says he's upset I'm not as by his side as his past girlfriends were and now he's acting like he doesn't even really want to see me?! I mean just because I was busy this week doesn't mean I want to sit at home all weekend. Like I said before what I was doing were things I was obligated to, not really going out and having fun.

 

I don't know what to do. I didn't think I wanted to break up/lose him and I still don't think I want to end the relationship but I don't know about this. It all seems one-sided. How does it look to you guys from the outside? I want attention from him too!! Just because I"m busy during the week doesn't mean I don't like text messages or notes telling me he's thinking about me. Now I feel like he doesn't even want to see me tonight. ** sad **

[Batya33]

I'm glad you see now that it has nothing to do with "guys" and what they're looking for but rather this individual person's needs that don't seem to mesh with your own. I had a busier life than you when I was single - more volunteer/networking commitments, more than one late night at work a week, lots of friends/social events and the men I got involved with liked that I had "a life" and 2-3 times a week at that stage of dating was plenty (and perfect!). I did encounter a few men here and there (very low percentage of the men I met) who seemed to want a person with a 9 to 5 job with life to revolve around him and that didn't work out of course. If you really like this guy do you think there's a way of seeing him one extra day a week like a quick lunch or even coffee - and explain to him that if things get more serious he's welcome to come with when you visit your mother (don't mean to be presumptuous just trying to see if there's room for some compromise). I hope your Mother makes a very speedy recovery and I am so sorry that she is ill.

[Daisy11]

Thanks for the post Batya, especially thank you for the well wishes for my Mom. Cancer is a tough one for all involved.

 

Yes, there is definitly room for him to come with when I see my Mom and I can usually meet for lunch at least 3 times out of 5 days during the work week! I would love to compromise with him to make it work. I just don't know that he is and that's the part that hurts. He seems to be pretty "set in his ways". But who knows. It would have been nice to talk over the yummy dinner I made tonight and see how the night together would have gone. I mean geesh, I am busy and have had a very long week but I still came home, got all "pretty" and made him an awesome homemade dinner and now he's not even coming over or if he is, he might be two hours late. I wasn't planning on sitting here crying into my wine alone tonight!

 

To be honest. I'm starting to get angry. Not at him exactly but just at the situation in general. I spent almost a full year and a half after my ex-fiance left me being depressed and crying all of the time, etc. I finally felt ready to move on and am still hurting. Life isn't exactly fair.

[DN]

I think it is clear he has no intention of changing and that you are low on his priority list. Do you want to accept that or find someone who thinks you are important enough in his life to make a priority?

[Daisy11]

I want to find someone that makes me a priority! After my ex-fiance and I broke up he made me feel like a horrible person and put it all on me for over a year telling me it was all my fault that our engagement ended. I did date a guy for a short period of time (maybe a couple of weeks) that poured his heart out to me daily and made me feel "special" but there wasn't enough time between him and my ex and I kind of felt smothered so I ended it. Now I'm thinking I maybe should have given that more of a chance.

 

Talk about going from one extreme to the other!

 

Does anyone else on ENA ever wish we all lived within the same area so we could meet up on nights like this and hang out and chat? I'm feeling pretty lonely.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm sorry for what you are going through! Hugs.

 

I think you might need to at least consider one possibility. He's not feeling the relationship and he's kind of using this as an "excuse."

[Daisy11]

Thanks for the hugs Ms Darcy! You were right though, he was using this as an "excuse". It finally came out last night that he has been talking to his ex this whole time and misses her and isn't ready to move on. So apparently my issue here was more than the fact that I just have a busy schedule!!

 

I can't believe a friend did this to me. He knows exactly what I"ve been through in the past year with my ex-fiance leaving and how hard that was on me. I feel like my emotions are just something for others to play with. I'm okay I guess. We really weren't the best match I suppose. I just really didn't want to have to go through another break-up again so soon.

[Furtive]

Daisy, chin up.

 

This was for the best.

 

You are going to find Mr. Right, and before you know it your main purpose on ENA is going to be "how to deal with my mean teenage kids!"

 

 

[Daisy11]

Gosh Furtive, I sure hope you're right!