Your Significant Other's Friends

[Lithp]

I have had this discussion with a few people in my life and they all seem to have a different opinion than I do, so I thought I would see what the general consensus is around here.

 

Is it crucial to a relationship to be friends with the friends of your significant other?

 

Just to give a bit of background...

 

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year - we broke up briefly earlier this year but are now giving it a second go and doing much better. The reason behind the break-up was that he was struggling with depression, but instead of seeking help, he was using drugs to cope. I was trying to get him to deal with his issues so he could work his way out of his depression, while his friends would offer him drugs and alcohol instead. Of course he is held accountable for his actions to an extent, but I know that you are the people you surround yourself with and their less than savoury ways were the perfect 'quick fix' for the unbearable emotional state he found himself in most of the time. I didn't have a very high opinion of these people and so I never went to join in when I was invited. We broke up, my boyfriend got the help he needed, he's stopped hanging around with that group of friends and he's doing much better for himself - he is in a really great place and I'm very proud of him for getting there.

 

Now, we are two very different people and so we hang out with very different groups of friends. I've met a few of his, he's met a few of mine, but we never all hang out together. My boyfriend and I will have our nights together, and one or two nights a week we'll go out with our separate groups of friends. I feel it works perfectly and as much as we love spending time with each other, the nights away are needed as well. Everyone tells me though, that if we aren't close with each other's friends, the relationship is as good as doomed. The people in my life, mainly family/family friends/neighbours, share the opinion that it's weird that we don't hang out with each other's groups - my boyfriend and I don't see much of an issue here so it's not a problem in the relationship, but I was just wondering what you guys think? Not even about my particular situation, I'm just genuinely curious how it works for other people here.

 

Also though, I will add that everyone in my life aside from my friends were in absolute disagreement with me taking my ex back, as being depressed makes him 'damaged' and will more than likely cause problems down the road So this could just be something they are picking on with me.

[Mesemene]

My boyfriend and I will have our nights together, and one or two nights a week we'll go out with our separate groups of friends. I feel it works perfectly and as much as we love spending time with each other, the nights away are needed as well.

 

Sounds like you guys have a healthy balance of together time, and apart time. While it's not uncommon over time for friends to become mutual, or for you to make newer friends that are mutual - it isn't a requirement all your friends are his friends, and vice versa!

 

I get along with my husband's friends, but they're more his than mine, and I don't hesitate to tell him to go play cards with the guys - just like he has no problem with me going out with the girls. If it ain't broke, there's nothing to fix

[beautifulcakeb]

totally agree with about post. if it aint broke dont fix it.

 

im in a relationship of 9 years. i have my friends and time with ym friends and he has his. we dont mix them and have never even thought this was odd its just us!

[quirky]

I have thought about this one too. Me and my bf don't hang around with each other's friends too much either and I do wonder sometimes if it's right. You see these pictures sometimes of big groups of friends all together, or someone at work says 'we met up with some of our friends' and I then start to question things. It would be nice to be more involved but at the same time in my case it happens a bit because we all work very different times. And I really do like having my time with my friends or my colleagues.

I think overall it is important that you at least get on with each other friends even a little. If you don't then for me that's a bit of a telling sign: 'How can I be inlove with someone that my friends and family don't get on with?' It would mean there is a link missing,

[nutbrownhare]

Yep, sounds very healthy to me! You can never ask of one person that they will fulfill all your emotional needs, and having separate friends, i.e. more than one source of emotional support, is good not only for you but for the relationship as a whole. It would be different if his friends were criminals, drug users or a child pornography ring!

 

My partner and I already had a lot of mutual friends before we started dating, but he likes going to things like Science Fiction Conventions. I'd rather chew my own arm off than go to one of these, and he goes with his blokey friends - with my blessing. Similarly, there are times when I like to go to a folk festival and spend most of the weekend dancing. The effort would probably kill him! So I go on my own.

 

It sounds as though your situation is working perfectly for you. You both recognise the need for space as well as togetherness, and neither of you seems threatened by the other's friends. You clearly don't have a problem with it. If your relatives think it's weird, and think that the relationship's doomed - that's THEIR problem, not yours.

 

Many, many people struggle with depression at some point. If others refused to date people who had, there'd be an awful lot more unhappy, lonely people out there. Good for your fella in recognising his issues, working through them and coming out the other side. There is someone who will probably cope better with difficult situations in the future than someone who'd never been through the fire in the first place, and this is something to be regarded as positive rather than negative.

 

Good luck!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There is nothing wrong with having separate friends. It doesn't doom a relationship. In fact, it affords the oportunity for each person to maintain their individuality. It is often problematic when couples start blending their friends and then if the relationship splits apart one person ends up losing all the friends as the friends invariably choose to associate with one side more than the other.

[Lithp]

Thanks for the replies! As I said, it's working fine for us right now so it's not much of a bother, I was just wondering if really maybe there was something we were actually missing

 

Quirky - I understand what you're saying towards the end there, and I agree with that. There was a time in the past where I did not like his friends and the way he behaved around them - it was a real sore spot with me and I would cringe every time I knew he was with them, as I knew that they were using drugs and drinking excessively on a daily basis. So I can see where that would cause issues in a relationship because it got to the point where I would bring up my problem with them and he would get angry with me for being so down on his friends. The difference in him now is unreal, and I had to learn to let go of that and I know now I can breathe easy when he's out because he's not doing the same things he used to. Things run much more smoothly now

 

Nutbrownhare - My relatives think it's odd, but they are more supportive than my neighbours of all people! Haha. Our neighbours are all very close and we see each other almost as one big family - it's nice, but then times like this arise and everyone has an opinion. This is my mistake as I sought the advice of a few neighbours while we were going through a rough patch earlier this year, and now that is all they see, is how he hurt me.

 

He fought hard to get himself out of the position he was in. I've been depressed in the past and seeing anyone go through that is painful, particularly someone you care about. It is amazing to see someone take control over their happiness and I am very proud of him for having done that, I'm also very excited because I know his life is only going to get better with the new mindset he has. I'm lucky that I got to witness this change in him and you're right, everyone else with learn how to deal.

 

 

I've always been under the impression that a healthy dose of time spent apart was better for the relationship - we have different interests and so we can spend time with people who share those interests and then come back and share new things with each other. So it's nice to hear that other couples can testify to it being a positive thing for them as well.

[Snny]

Everyone tells me though, that if we aren't close with each other's friends, the relationship is as good as doomed. The people in my life, mainly family/family friends/neighbours, share the opinion that it's weird that we don't hang out with each other's groups - my boyfriend and I don't see much of an issue here so it's not a problem in the relationship

I would completely ignore "everyone"s advice because it is NOT true. My fiance and I have different friends groups. I am civil to his friends out of respect for my fiance, but he damn well knows that I do not like them because they are incredibly immature for their age (gamers without girlfriends) and are embarrassing to be around with in public because they say very inappropriate, offensive jokes. I have my group that he tolerates and there are flaws in my friends that bug the hell out of him too.

 

Also, I like having my group of friends because I like to club, write/draw, and barhop late nights... he doesn't... and my fiance is big into sports and fighting games with his group... and I'm not into that. It's a nice balance to have other people in your life who enjoy doing stuff that you can't do with your SO, because he/she is not interested in doing those activities.

 

Keep in mind though... people change and they come and go throughout your life. There is a very small number of friends who will stick with you for a lifetime because people will eventually drift later on in life. A few of my fiance's immature friends are no longer in contact for various reasons. Your man is not entitled to get along with every single one of your friends and vice versa.

 

Bottom line: if you are truly happy with your man and he treats you with respect, don't let other people criticize or try to tell you how to run your relationship with him since your affair is no one's business.

[Lithp]

I would completely ignore "everyone"s advice because it is NOT true. My fiance and I have different friends groups. I am civil to his friends out of respect for my fiance, but he damn well knows that I do not like them because they are incredibly immature for their age (gamers without girlfriends) and are embarrassing to be around with in public because they say very inappropriate, offensive jokes. I have my group that he tolerates and there are flaws in my friends that bug the hell out of him too.

 

Thank you for this, haha! It's funny because I know the odd time my boyfriend will go out with his buddies, and I've seen them out together and it makes me shudder - they remind me of loud obnoxious teenagers running rampant through the streets. It's like a switch gets flipped when he's with the guys and he's almost unrecognisable to me, but I know it's all harmless fun so I don't let it become an issue like it used to.

 

I know what you mean about people coming and going through your life as it's something I've experienced many times myself. I know that the friends he has have been in his life since he was about 7 - they've grown up together and are now in their early 20's, though everyone is changing and growing and moving on with their lives. As I said, it's going much better this time around, and though I try to not let others opinions get to me it is difficult when they start picking on things as trivial as this So I was really just curious if there's something missing as most couples I know do share the same group of friends, whereas we do not.

 

Thank you!

[Snny]

Thank you for this, haha! It's funny because I know the odd time my boyfriend will go out with his buddies, and I've seen them out together and it makes me shudder - they remind me of loud obnoxious teenagers running rampant through the streets. It's like a switch gets flipped when he's with the guys and he's almost unrecognisable to me, but I know it's all harmless fun so I don't let it become an issue like it used to.

My fiance is the same exact way and I find it incredibly annoying sometimes, which is why I barely go out with them in public anymore. Some of his friends are cool... but a large majority of them are total losers. So I was out with both his and my social groups at a big state cultural festival yesterday... some of them were drunk and one of them started saying inappropriate, disrespectful things toward me (the guy apparently doesn't fancy the idea of me marrying his best friend because I am "taking him away"... and I just found this out yesterday when he slipped) that I had my fiance tell him to shape the hell up, watch how he spoke to his soon-to-be wife, and demanded the friend apologized to me since his comments were completely out of line. I'm even considering that he won't get an invite to our wedding now because he had to go run his damn dirty mouth to the wrong chick. My man telling his friend to grow up REALLY put the friend's foot in his mouth. The bottom line... I am respectful to his people I don't mingle with well... but I came close to saying a few choice of words back when they start disrespecting me, drunk or whatever so I let my fiance handle it.

 

Unfortunately you can't pick your partner's friends and the advice given by "everyone" can be interpreted as such. The friends who don't grow up typically don't last for long and I have seen evidence of some of the most annoy friends of his not be in contact... so there is hope for humanity! You both are going to be two different people with two different social circles with some people you may not mingle with well. But don't let opposite social groups divide your relationship