Feel like you're being strung along? Not sure if to go NC/LC?

[SudoMB]

Hello fellow hopefuls at reconciliation.

 

My story shares some of the traits we all see in various posts new and old, if you're curious look it up. But I'd like to share some personal growth I've come accross recently with regards to lc/nc/reconciliation.

 

Now to vets, this will probably be nothing new, but I've yet to see anyone post that they were the initial Dumper (me), upon attempting to apologize to get her back, the roles feel they have reversed I feel as I am now the dumpee.

 

Now before I get into my personal growth (I'll have it at the TL: DR portion), I'd like to share just a few things.

 

Upon what seemed like being given a second chance at friendship, to see where things went from there, I was informed that I was not meeting her expectations to "sweep her off her feet again", which is a direct contradiction to a verbal and written agreement we had upon trying to get in touch again on August 23rd. Things went up and down, and one evening I wrote a letter expressing my belief that she was not confronting the issue, and was continually angry and lashing out at me, and that I never had a fair chance, since she is burying herself in her new social circle for acceptance. Big mistake of course and thus prompted very angry responses with a "we're finished" attached at the end.

 

By this time I had already been neck deep in trying to figure out what was wrong, since it became apparent the original issue of abandonment was not the core issue, and had visited this site, as well as others and started reading self help books. Especially those with regards to communication. It's amazing how horrible we are at effectively communicating what we really want and need. More so to those we are closest to.

 

Now mind you, my ex has severe social anxiety disorder, and for those of you who even have the faint knowledge of the difficulties this brings up, it's gotten to the point I am unsure if I just need to be more patient, and as Al Turtle's site suggest, become that safety again for her 'lizard' and multiply that by 10 for her anxiety disorder, or if these actions recently coincide with the dumpee, dumper dynamics we witness and read about on these forums.

 

It is my belief that she is currently testing out her new options, since the group of folks shes joined, have already expressed interest in her, and I am now being kept on the back burner in case things don't go up for her. I will share with you a bit of why I believe so, this was an email sent by her 2 days ago after I had expressed to a mutual friend I was leaving our previously shared online activities together for good.

 

Forgiveness comment was more in relation with the accusations of lying and, yeah, some of the coping/healing comments. I would... like you to continue to email me, if you would like to. I was hoping to catch you on when you were talking with **** to add you to my realid again, but that might be going a bit far, dunno.

 

I'm so hesitant to suggest anything else. I don't know where you're at right now, and I don't fully know my own mind. I can imagine you're even more hesitant.

 

Talk about mixed signals, huh.

 

I'll leave it at that for now...

 

Now to put it more into context, I had applied some of what I had learned about Nonviolent Communication, as well as mirroring from Al Turtle's site, to setup a warm atmosphere for her to start trusting me again. The big barrier is of course that this is still just email based. What's suspect is the fact that she had only replied to my mirroring after I had logged on to inform our mutual friend I was gone for good, and gave him a few things and wished him good luck. He told her, and thus her response above.

 

 

This is of course my perception of things.

 

 

 

So where is the nugget of wisdom I stated I'd share? Well...I believe, like most here, that NC gets tossed around or glossed over by the majority of folks, since this is after all the forum of 'getting back together'. Others have expressed it fairly well, that NC is about coming to peace with yourself, to heal, to move on. It is, I'll agree with that 100%. But here's the thing that people seem to hang up on when they hear others just say "nc". People tend to think that by cutting them off, it will make the other person curious and that is enough to get the spark back, or lay the ground work for it.

 

I believe the questions people need to ask themselves after some of the raw emotions of hurt, anguish, loss, etc start to simmer is fairly simple. "Are you understanding what you contributed to the past relationship to lead it to where it went and do you feel you truly have the ability within yourself to correct those issues?" But more importantly..."Do you feel truly, that your ex has taken the time to understand what they contributed to the past relationship to lead it to where it went, and do you feel they truly have the ability in themselves to correct those issues?"

 

We know you want them back, hell I still do, but if they don't want to try and figure out their contribution to the relationship and the current situation you're both in, why waste valuable energy. Ask yourself that, and then decide if they can grow with you, or even if you want to grow with them later.

 

TL: DR

 

Yes, this is a mini compilation of sorts, but ultimately, when you can start thinking and healing without the intense pain of loss and grief, ask yourself if this person truly had/has what it takes to make a successful relationship last, but more importantly..do they really want to. The answer might surprise you, and then should make the decisions easier for you either way.

[EgoJoe]

Dale Carnegie said, "Assign an amount of anxiety you are willing to tolerate to something and if it surpasses it. Let it go."

[BlueRose66]

I couldnt agree with these last paragraphs more! Of course letting go is sooo hard. The reason I broke it off was for these very reason: A person who really doesnt seem to have it within them at this time to see their part and be able or willing to correct it or work with it. Reconcilliation will lead to more of the same. Its time for me to move on.

 

I too, was first the dumper and am now the dumpee. The roles reversed.

 

I also dont know if I want to ever be friends. I dont want to be treated badly as a supposed "friend".