Husband deployed feeling disconnected

[ashleybooth11]

Hey my husband has been deployed about a year now and he will be coming home in the next month or two. We've been married for about 2 years now and we have no children. Lately I've felt like I've been very disconnected emotionally with him. We do talk almost everyday but its not like how it used to be in the beginning of the deployment. He doesn't seem excited to talk to me we have been bickering a little more and i'm starting to take a step back and think what is happening here. I've become a completely different person than i was a year ago. I'm more independent, realize i can actually live by myself and take care of myself (something i never thought i could do) I know people say it's the distance just wait until he gets home but when he came home on his 2 week leave all we did was bicker about little things. I'm afraid that when he gets home i'm still going to feel not as attached as i was in the beginning and that scares me. I feel like i'm alone and that i really shouldnt feel this way. Has anybody else felt this way with their soldier deployed? Thanks for the advice

[abitbroken]

I would tell him that you can't wait til he gets home and you want to do everything you can to make the transition easy for him. Make it a point to go on "dates" with him like the beginning. Go to where you first met, go to get ice creams or dress up and go out for drinks. Also, do you have support of other military wives and is there a program for him to help him transition back? I have heard that there is - something about what to expect. Also it would be good to talk about your expectations. Ask him how he would like to ease things back in. But see what programs there are.

[Princess123]

Have you tried talking to him? Men can't read minds. Maybe its something military of the sorts going on with him. This is a great site for everything but there are military wives forums who can probably relate a bit more on the military side of it all. I know there are some here as well, somewhere.

[Mesemene]

Military spouse for many years piping up.

 

It's very difficult to keep a relationship going through multiple deployments. Just your day to day living puts both of you in the position of becoming more independent of each other - and when he gets home? You have a routine, and he feels out of place, like it's not really "his" (or her) home as much as yours.

 

Even with communication being improved (I was married to the military back in the snail-mail only days) it's still hard, since you have to either wait for a phone call (expensive!) or communicate in text. And there's nobody there at the end of the day to commiserate over a bad day, help call the electrician when the furnace poops out (for the 5th time since he left - it always waits til you're alone), or make you feel a bit better and take up some of the slack when you're sick.

 

There's a reason the military divorce rate is astronomical, even compared to the higher ones these days, it's like 78%.

 

It's doable - but it takes a lot of communication when he IS home, and a real effort not to keep rolling along. My husband told me when he'd get home, he'd feel like an outsider, because everything was already being done a certain way. He felt like a visitor in his own house. And he'd worry before getting home how he was going to fit in, if things would still be ok, if I'd started to lean on others and cut him out to an outside position while he was gone.

 

And of course, to survive, to an extent, you kinda have to. So every time after a long deployment, in a lot of ways, it was like starting the relationship over and getting to know him all over again. It's stressful, which leads to bickering. And the tension of not knowing how to deal with it even moreso.

 

Start talking to him and ask him if he's worried about his homecoming - and explain your fears as well, since that's what they are. Fear that you've changed too much, that you don't fit together anymore, that the spark will be gone, any number of things. Think about what might help - would you rather go on a "date" and not have to worry about jumping right into bed? Set aside some talking time and tell each other stories about what happened when he was away?

 

It takes work - but something in him was worth marrying, despite the odds. It's still there, it's just rediscovering it that can be challenging!

[trezeralietas]

Hey Ashley, you are not alone. These are very common feelings among military spouses. Are you a part of a wives club, with other women whose husbands are deployed? Having other people going through the same experience can help a lot. Also, do you have a liaison or someone you were told you could contact while he's deployed? If so, that person can help you find resources to prepare and cope with the reunion process...and it is a process. This will take a lot of open honest communication and your relationship probably will have changed since you have as individuals. Take it slow, be patient, and don't get upset with yourself or him. Consider counseling if things seem rocky.

 

Also, check out link removed....it's a military spouses forum and a fantastic resource. Best of luck to you!!

[Seraphim]

Basically all this here. I am a military wife too my husband deploys in 19 days for Afghanistan. Sigh. He was gone 5 months last year and he was only home some weekends for the almost 5 years before. Now he is gone another almost 5 months coming up. There is going to be some disconnect because you HAVE to make your own life or you won't survive. My husband has been in the military since 1986 and he has 18 more years to go. I hope we make it out alive.

 

Here I have the Family military resource centre and they have a lot of support for wives and children. They have counseling and support groups and peer groups and almost anything you could need. I would make use of the support system if you have it on base.

[badcat3]

I'm late to this thread but I wanted to add that I can somewhat relate. My boyfriend and I are going through our second deployment together and it isn't any easier this time around. I feel that emotional disconnect at times.

 

^That is some good advice above. Ashley it sounds like you've made some changes since your husband left and you'll both need to figure out how to mesh again. Good luck.