Unmotivated and emotional boyfriend

[jbean]

My boyfriend and I have been dating on and off for almost 3 years (most of college). In May, I graduated from college but my boyfriend did not. He slept through most classes and switched majors so much that he is 2 years behind our graduating class. He recently dropped out and is taking a semester or two off in order to decide what he really wants to do with his life. Without student loans to support himself he has quickly run out of money. About a month ago I told him that he could move in with me until he could save up enough money to pay for his own place. He moved in and then he said that he wanted it to be permanent because "we would be moving in with each other eventually." Unfortunately, he pays about 1/6 of the bills & rent/month because he has no money. This is pretty inconvenient for me because I am a graduate student and so I do not have much money myself but I understood that he was trying the best he could. However, the other day he bought a new subscription to xbox live and a brand new game (he also eats out everyday). Since then he has been camped out in front of the TV playing video games; if he is not playing games he is at his job (4 hours/day) or at his friend's house. Today I asked him to spend more time with me because he hasn't been around. He got really defensive and said that he spends enough time with me and that sometimes he would just rather be playing his video game. We ended up getting into a fight and we both left (he went for a drive and I had to go to class). When I got back from class he had all of his things packed up and by the door. I figured he was just being dramatic so I carried on with life. He got very angry that I wasn't begging him to stay and told me that this wasn't working out for him anymore. I told him that if he was going to move out then he should just do it, not threaten it just to get me to beg him to stay. He ended up packing everything up in a rage and left.

 

What should I do? About 60% of the time things are good with us but the other 40% of the time is very rough. I love him and I know he loves me but we are on very different paths. Is it selfish of me to expect him to hang out with me when I am paying for his lifestyle? Should I call him and ask him to come back home or wait until he realizes that he overreacted? I feel that since I pay for everything then he should at least treat me with some respect and have interest in me. He said that if he has to pay rent in order to play video games then he didn't want to live here. That means he doesn't really care about me but is just staying here for free rent, right?

[SilverFactory]

It is actually quite surprising that you put with him all this time. It is ok for you to support and spend on him when he is struggling. But the bigger problem as I see it is he has got used to being provided for and takes you for granted. Plus he is not motivated to go look out for job to at least support himself if not share expenses with you. He is not doing that as well right?

[findingbeauty]

Wow, that sucks. I hate to say it but it sounds like he is really taking advantage of you. It is fine that he spend his time as he may IF it's on his own dime, but not on yours. I'd say that if you are sacrificing to support him, you have the right to let him know your limits. If you feel that it is a sufficient trade-off for you that he spend more time with you and help you out with things while you are supporting him, let him know that that is the condition for him to live with you under those conditions. Ultimately it is up to you as to what feels right and what brings you a sense of fairness.

[jbean]

He has admitted that he takes me for granted and says he will change but things just go back to normal. Whenever I ask if he is going to contribute more to rent he acts like he is going to find another job but he never does. I found a great job for him to apply to a few weeks ago but he slept all day and missed his interview. I keep hoping he will grow up and get motivated someday but I think I am enabling him. How do I stop?

[abitbroken]

I would let him walk out and let his parents support him, a friend or himself with a roommate. Moving in together should never just be out of convenience. I think he has a lot of figuring out to do. It would be okay if he took time off from school and was really exploring things - taking internships, trying new things but he seems either like a bum or someone with more complex problems. Good for you for not putting up with the drama and refusing to beg after him. He might get done with his fit and try to crawl back. Don't let him live with you. If you choose to date him, that's your business but do not let him come over and park his rear. But after that, I wouldn't date him either.

 

Don't pay most of the bills unless you are married to someone and they are genuinely pursuing a full time career and it just happens to pay less than yours or if a spouse is ailing or caring for your children. You don't need to and shouldn't pay the way for an able bodied college aged boyfriend. On the other hand, if the person is someoen you can respect, are proud to be with, compatible about your views about money etc...

 

I use the rule of thumb: if someone isn't good enough to marry, they aren't good enough to live with. I know some people here don't believe in marriage, but if you look at someone and say "well, I'd date him but I couldn't be with him long term because he drinks/doesn't respect me/hasn't grown up/or insert whatever here" then you have no business living with him because he'll be that much harder to walk away from when things are not right.

 

I would say at the age and time of your life you are in, if a relationship is already 40% bad, it will only creep to 50% or more percent bad over time when other bigger issues come up in life. Part of a good relationship should feel that it has some ease to it.

[Capricorn3]

He has admitted that he takes me for granted and says he will change but things just go back to normal. Whenever I ask if he is going to contribute more to rent he acts like he is going to find another job but he never does. I found a great job for him to apply to a few weeks ago but he slept all day and missed his interview. I keep hoping he will grow up and get motivated someday but I think I am enabling him. How do I stop?

I think this just proves how unreliable he really is and you are delusional if you believe he'll change. He won't. He's quite happy to take advantage and do nothing, because you are taling care of everything for him.

 

How do you stop? If it were me, I would end it permanently. It's up to you if you feel you can live with someone who lacks motivation, takes you for granted, is lazy and does nothing all day. Is this the kind of future you envision for yourself? If not, then you know what to do.

[Mesemene]

Yup, even though it's not your intention, you were enabling him to do jack squat to keep himself afloat.

 

And agree with Capricorn - unless he makes major changes BEFORE contacting you - I'd keep him out of your life. He wasn't exactly motivated to contribute to his own living expenses even when he DID have money - he was content to let you take care of him. And sleeping through a job interview? I'd've kicked any BF living with me's BUTT if he'd been letting me support him, playing video games (not cheap) and didn't even have the gumption to go on an interview for a good job!!!