My son broke my heart last night....

[prettymommy]

He had an emotional outburst at school the other day, one of the ones where you get a call from a school administrator.

 

At home that evening, we were discussing techniques he can use to better diffuse his rage when he starts feeling it well up in him. We've been reading the Harry Potter seires, so I told him that he's needs to find his one happy thought and hold on to it when he starts to feel those anger feelings b/c they are his dementors (anyone who's read the HP books will understand the analogy I'm trying to get at here).

 

About a 1/2 hour later, my son tells me he thinks he has his happy thought, but he's not ready to tell me yet (b/c he's emotional about it). 1.5 hours later, as I am tucking him in, he tells me his happy thought is when he, myself, and his father all still lived together under one roof, watching movies together....

 

This just about broke my heart. His father and I split when my son was 3.5 (he's 9 now). I'm not sure he actually remembers us together, or was just trying to recreate a scene from the HP books, but still.... clearly it tells me he still wishes we were a family unit. And it breaks my heart, b/c he'll never have that, at least not with his father and I in the way that he wishes. And it makes me feel guilty, like I did something wrong. I don't know.... all I know is that thinking about what he said makes me want to cry, even now, just typing it.

 

I don't know if this is so much for advice is just me trying to get it out of my head. It sucks.

[FathomFear]

Ouch. Yeah, I can see why that would be painful.

 

It's tempting to feel guilty, as you say, but as you know relationships aren't always fully of happy moments like watching TV together. If the relationship wasn't working out then the negatives of staying in an unloving relationship would far outweigh the benefits of staying together just for the sake of it. I would just try to keep reminding yourself of that.

 

Does he get to see his father often?

[BellaDonna]

I'm sorry. That must have been really hard. We are so prone to guilting ourselves as it is and if a child says something like that it can rip your heart out.

 

Just remember that an unhappy mom trapped in an unhappy relationship is going to create a far more unhappy child than a seperation will.

 

I think you may be able to use this as an opportunity to create something special with your son.

 

1.5 hours later, as I am tucking him in, he tells me his happy thought is when he, myself, and his father all still lived together under one roof, watching movies together....

 

 

Each week you need to designate a "movie night" you will have with him in which he can pick out a movie and you can watch it together while having fun or special snacks or something else he would value. Make new memories.

 

Also he needs to have a consistent relationship with his father too. Is his father in the picture?

[prettymommy]

Yeah, his father is in the picture and very much involved in his life. They have a tight bond.

 

I've always been aware that our son is unusually happy when his father and I are together with him. It doesn't happen often, and I don't think either of us is ever truly comfortable when it occurs, but we do try to get along for the sake of our son. It wasn't easy in the beginning, but I think we've gotten to a good place now with everything.

 

Logically, I know why it's better that we're not together. My son doesn't remember all the fights and hurt feelings. I know his father and myself are much happier people apart than together, which makes us better parents to our son. But I know for a nine year old kid, that's hard to understand.

 

BellaDonna- that's a great suggestion, and something we actually do pretty often. Friday nights I'm usaually drained from work, so we'll pop in a movie. Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Back to the Future, Harry Potter- he loves them all. We'll eat pizza and I'll either make homemade popcorn or hot chocolates. I know he enjoys that time with me; I really should make an effort that it happens every Friday night. Sometimes other things get in the way...

[Jetta]

Kids always long for their parents to be together. My daughter still does and one day I said to her it could have been worse and that has kept her quiet. Which wasn't my intent I was telling her the truth about how bad things were without getting into details. Needless to say we haven't had that conversation again, but she loves her step mom and has a good life that she's happy with for the most part. Point out the good in his life and remind him why you two aren't together if you need to. I've also reminded her step mom wouldn't be part of her life and she's settled into realty now.

[BellaDonna]

It sounds like you and his dad are really doing your best to parent him, and that you are doing the important things right.

 

I've always been aware that our son is unusually happy when his father and I are together with him.

 

That can only be a good sign. It means you both act mature and mindful of his well-being and you don't make him feel uncomfortable or like a burden that forces you see one another. I'm so glad there is no fighting or tense in front of him and things are civil.

 

It's pretty natural, aside from just the parent issue, for kids to want people they love and value in the same room at the same time. It sort of ties the many aspects of their little worlds together.

 

Friday nights I'm usaually drained from work, so we'll pop in a movie. Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Back to the Future, Harry Potter- he loves them all. We'll eat pizza and I'll either make homemade popcorn or hot chocolates. I know he enjoys that time with me; I really should make an effort that it happens every Friday night. Sometimes other things get in the way...

 

That sounds wonderful. If you could have it happen every Friday I bet he'd be delighted. Of course I know it is easier said than done to commit to it every week with all that goes on in life. You might even take him to a movie theatre , away from home, as a treat if a "cool" new kid movie comes out that he wants to see. AS long as you keep making new happy memories he will have other happy thoughts/happy places he can choose from aside from the ones from the past.