Long-distance fiance in contact with her ex

[keyboard99]

Hi, so basically I am having an issue dealing with the fact that my fiance has recently become in contact with her ex (of a few years ago) and I am slightly uncomfortable with what is going on.

 

First of all, let me explain that I am very much in love with this girl, have a good level of trust with her, and that from all I can tell she mutually feels the same. She has been living abroad for the last two months (of a full year), which has been hard, but we are dealing with it well, and have been in close contact via skype. We've been together about a year, and I'm going to visit her in a couple of months.

 

She told me recently that her ex of about 5 years ago, who cheated on her and really messed her up for a while, emailed her a few weeks ago and that she emailed him back, and has skype chatted with him (he lives in Japan). She seemed initially upset that he had contacted her, since it made her sad to think about how terrible things were with him, but it seems like he is being very friendly to her now.

 

I understand that she is dealing with some old and difficult emotions, and I understand that it is probably a good thing for her to clear the air with things with her ex, but what bothers me is that it seems like she is devoting a substantial amount of energy trying to maintain touch with him now, and that she seems to want to be friends with him. From my perspective, it seems impossible to ever achieve a healthy, strictly friendly relationship with someone with whom you've shared so much emotion, so it feels threatening to me that she is trying to keep this thing going. Given that we're engaged, it seems inappropriate that she would be looking to reactivate anything with her ex, and without seeming overly suspicious, I want to bring it up with her and I want it to stop. It just doesn't feel right.

 

To be fair, I don't think in the short term anything will come of it, but it has the potential to be damaging later on, and like I said, it makes me uncomfortable. I just don't see how her being in touch with him can have any positive outcome for me.

 

I'm looking for a way to handle this carefully, without her feeling like I'm trying to control who she wants to be in contact with, but I just can't see any reason for her to be continuing this except that it is exciting to her, that it feels good to be friendly again with someone who she once loved, and that she wants to explore that. Any advice? Thanks for reading-

[DN]

I too think she is being inappropriate and wonder why she is so keen to build a friendship with an ex who cheated on her and messed her up - what does she want from him? Whatever it is, it can't be healthy.

 

Who contacted whom and why?

[keyboard99]

Apparently he contacted her first, though I'm not totally sure about that. I think she may have casually responded to something like a facebook post, then he emailed her a reply

[DN]

I think you should tell her that what she is doing in blowing on the embers of that old relationship is damaging the one she has with you.

[Mesemene]

From my perspective, it seems impossible to ever achieve a healthy, strictly friendly relationship with someone with whom you've shared so much emotion, so it feels threatening to me that she is trying to keep this thing going. Given that we're engaged, it seems inappropriate that she would be looking to reactivate anything with her ex, and without seeming overly suspicious, I want to bring it up with her and I want it to stop. It just doesn't feel right.

 

I'd have to agree, and agree with DN. Regardless of the emotions that are being revisited, it's doubtful anything good can come of it. Talk to her, and explain that it's hurting you that she's putting so much effort into renewing and maintaining contact with someone she had such a turbulent relationship with in her past.