Am I stupid? Your thoughts please...

[changeacomin]

Am I stupid??

 

My ex left our 6 year relationship because he said he wanted to be single. He had only ever been in committed relationships (3 of them altogether) since the age of 17. He’s 41 now.

 

He made this decision while on a 6 month trip around Europe, researching a travel book he wants to write. The trip changed him enormously. He visited places he’d never seen and met tons of people. He used to be quite shy, but this all boosted his confidence and as a consequence, I believe he is now a much more exciting prospect to women! Unfortunately, his trip also changed ME. I became insecure, needy and generally a pain in the backside while he was away.

 

Anyway. This is what happened:

 

Email 1.

He sent me an email saying things had got to change. He needed space. He wasn’t happy having to worry about me being unhappy back at home without him. He needed to know I would be happy without him. He wanted to be able to continue his trip (which was to be for another 2 sessions of 6 months away, 6 months back home) without having to constantly massage my emotions. He wanted to be more carefree and not have to think of putting me first while he was away (but that he would always do that when he was back home)

 

I wrote and apologized for being such a pain and vowed to change. We stayed in touch, as usual and I backed off with the neediness.

 

Email 2. - 11 days later

 

He wrote saying how he now didn’t like the idea of coming home at all.. That coming back to a small-town existence when there was so much else out there in the big wide world wasn’t something he wanted to do. He had also now decided to continue traveling AFTER this current trip finished.and that having a girlfriend was no longer compatible with those plans.

We spoke on Skype. I stayed calm. I wanted to understand. I asked if he’d met someone else. He said no. The conversation ended with me saying lets talk when you come back in 4 weeks and between now and then please don’t feel you need to “check in” with me all the time. I’ll see you when you get back.

 

Email 3 - 5 days later

 

He explained something that had happened during a training course he’d been on during his trip. He wrote this:

 

“There was someone there who I quite fancied, and I'm pretty sure she fancied me too, but I couldn't do anything about it because of you. And I really wanted to. So well done, me, for being faithful, but I don't take any pleasure from that because I actually wanted to be unfaithful. Well, no. I didn't want to be unfaithful - but I wanted to be in a position with there was no issue with being faithful or unfaithful to anyone. I wanted to be single so that I could do what the hell I liked. It dawned on me that, aside from an odd week here and there, I've been in a committed, monogamous relationship since I was 17. I don't want to be. I want to be free to do what I want. I'm sorry.”

Yes, it cut through me like a knife.

 

But the thing is: I understand. If I hadn’t been so needy while he’s been away, maybe things would have been different. I guess I felt threatened by his new found confidence and that his new interests were putting him into situations where there were plenty of women in his path who found him attractive. I know I need to work on that aspect of myself now.

 

But the thing is: I completely understand where he’s coming from. Not just that he wants to be free from a needy girlfriend (which I was) but that he wants to explore what being single is like, with his new -found confidence.

 

Does that make me stupid?

[mhowe]

No, it makes you understanding and empathetic. Very nice qualities.

 

The only other thing I would say is, this change in your relationship is about 85% attributable to him, and not your "neediness". It is always hard to be the one at home when the other is out having new experiences.

 

So, are you ready to move on?

[DN]

I don't think that this has anything to do with your neediness. Most people would want reassurance from a partner who was away for such extended periods of time.

 

I think he was being honest in breaking up and I know how hard it must have been for you. Now is the time to get past this as soon as you can and move on to someone who is ready for a serious relationship - he clearly isn't.

[Hollyj]

This man is a master manipulator. Not only does he get to alleviate his guilt, but he gets to put the blame on you.

 

This is terrible, and he should be ashamed. I also think it was incredibly cruel for him to tell you about the other woman.

 

Hon, it is high time you stop 'understanding' his position, and find some self love! This guy has really disrespected you!

[Nick Lansing]

I feel for you. This must hurt like hell.

 

For what it's worth, the effect of a six-month trip and a flirtation with a fellow trainee may be pretty short-lived. For a guy who's so used to being in a relationship, being single (after a period of novelty) won't likely suit him for very long. I think there's a decent chance he'll come back.

 

But let him run free, do not check up on him at all, and do not initiate any contact with him whatsoever. Check out of his life completely. Assume he's gone for good, and work on getting yourself back, period. This will facilitate healing, and, as a by-product, maximize whatever chance there may be that he'll come back.

[Hollyj]

I feel for you. This must hurt like hell.

 

For what it's worth, the effect of a six-month trip and a flirtation with a fellow trainee may be pretty short-lived. For a guy who's so used to being in a relationship, being single (after a period of novelty) won't likely suit him for very long. I think there's a decent chance he'll come back.

 

But let him run free, do not check up on him at all, and do not initiate any contact with him whatsoever. Check out of his life completely. Assume he's gone for good, and work on getting yourself back, period. This will facilitate healing, and, as a by-product, maximize whatever chance there may be that he'll come back.

 

Why would she want someone like this back? He treated her very poorly! Also, if she did, he would see that she did not respect herself, and do it again.

[Nick Lansing]

Why would she want someone like this back? He treated her very poorly! Also, if she did, he would see that she did not respect herself, and do it again.

 

I hear you, hollyj. I guess I'm a fort-ish guy too, and can somewhat relate to his situation. It could be a sort of mid-life crisis. I agree he hasn't handled it well, regardless.

 

Also, for me, the idea that some day in the future the person I love may change her mind helps with healing... For me, it's especially painful to think that maybe you never really meant much to the person you loved (and still love)... I realize not everyone is like that. Some people need to give up all hope of reconciliation before they can begin healing. Either way, I've found that if you stay away for a few months you tend to heal, regardless of whether you gave up hope right away or not.

[DN]

I do not agree that he treated you poorly.

 

People are constantly asking for their partners or exes to be honest, especially about break-ups ("I want proper closure" being a common refrain) and when they are, people start accusing them of being horrible. It's because of this reaction that people just leave without explanation, very often by text.

[Stillhope]

The part that gets me is that it seems like the bolded area is him guilt tripping her for being with him?

[Nick Lansing]

And with time comes clarity... a few months out, you may realize the person who dumped you isn't good enough for you anyway. Time is the key to all of this, and staying away and maintaining your dignity and self-respect.

[DN]

The part that gets me is that it seems like the bolded area is him guilt tripping her for being with him?

I don't agree. He is saying that it made him realise that because he was being faithful to her he couldn't do what he really wanted to and therefore needed to break it off with her. It's not blaming her at all.

[Hollyj]

I do not agree that he treated you poorly.

 

People are constantly asking for their partners or exes to be honest, especially about break-ups ("I want proper closure" being a common refrain) and when they are, people start accusing them of being horrible. It's because of this reaction that people just leave without explanation, very often by text.

 

It was a six-year relationship, and I believe he could have handled it much better.

 

By putting any of the blame on her, is not right. He has made her feel responsible for the break, instead of stating that he had moved on from the relationship. I also thought it was incredibly tacky to bring other people into it.

[DN]

Where is he putting the blame on her? He is simply saying that the long-distance relationship is not working for him because of his future plans and that he doesn't want to be restricted by a relationship. He wants to explore the world and be free to see other people.

 

Again - this is what happens when people are honest about a break-up. And it shows why so many people are not because they know their words will be twisted and used against them

[Hollyj]

I just think after a six-year relationship it could have been handled better.

[DN]

There is never a good way to handle a break up. There are only less bad.

[doiiiieeezie]

I wanted to be single so that I could do what the hell I liked. It dawned on me that, aside from an odd week here and there, I've been in a committed, monogamous relationship since I was 17. I don't want to be. I want to be free to do what I want. I'm sorry.”

 

All I can say is let him be free. People in long term relationships will have close affiliations with others of the opposite sex, the key is that the person looks at their partner and knows that regardless of what is out there, they remain to stay with the one that has been with them all along. This man should not make you feel guilty for being in a long term relationship and he is clearly thinking of himself and his mentality has become one sided. Don't contact him any further, there is nothing more you need to know now.

 

Even if he came back, I wouldn't give this man a true second chance until he showed truly that he is in it 100%. It seems like he has been out for a long time.

[snippot]

I agree, he was honest. But I also think a little too honest. He didnt need to go into all that detail about being faithful/unfaithful. That would have been very hard to listen to for anyone. Well done in the way you handled it. I dont think you are stupid and all.

In regards to the neediness, here is what I have experienced and tell me if you think it may have played a role. Was it just that he was simply away that you became needy? Or could you sense him distancing himself? When 2 people are close for 6 years, very subtle changes in one persons behavior can set off bells. When we sense someone pulling away it is usually because they are. The automatic response to that is to become a bit needy and chase and worry etc. This is the point where the dumper can usually say "you are too needy, I want out", and leave you holding the bag. In reality though, they were already distancing for some other reason. Just my thoughts on that...neediness usually sprouts from some feeling that things are not going well.

Dont beat yourself up, and dont accept all the blame. I dont think your actions caused this.

[Hollyj]

Great point!

[DN]

Why is it necessary for there to be someone to blame?

 

I am very sorry that you are hurting and that this didn't work out. But there is need for anyone to be blamed or to be analysing everything he said to find something to hang around his neck. That won't serve you.

[snippot]

Not sure anyone needs to be blamed for this, but it does sound like he put a lot of the problem on her. Basically, "hey, I want to have fun and you are a noose around my neck right now" i.e. you are the problem and the reason why I am not happy. I know he didnt say that exactly, but thats what his words would feel like to me if I were the one being left. Thats fine if he wants to be single, if he wants to have fun... but a bit more tact in his way of handling the breakup. Yes, breakup suck no matter how they are done, but its not fair to put the weight of the problems completely on the other person.

[DN]

I see this endlessly on here - someone posts saying an ex decided a relationship isn't working for them and the ex is instantly demonised or criticised. Whatever they do, and whatever they say, is made out so they are some sort of bad person. It really serves no useful purpose for the person who is broken up with, especially in the long term.

[Betweenthebars]

Don't you think he could have been more tactful? I agree, DN, a lot of dumpers on here are demonized, but a good amount probably could have handled the situation with more grace.

 

In this case, maybe a, "I feel as though being in a relationship while I'm traveling is limiting the experiences I can have out here." You can still take from it that there is someone else, or that he just wants to have fun while he's gone. I don't know. I, as a female, would rather hear that then "I wanted to have sex with a girl, and she wanted to have sex with me." - which is what I took from his little tid bit he wrote.

[Betweenthebars]

Whatever they do, and whatever they say, is made out so they are some sort of bad person.

 

Now, I don't know if he's a bad person. He has to have some good qualities if they have been together for so long, and others have had long term relationships with him as well. I'm just saying, being tactful isn't one of his qualities.

[DN]

Surely the more important thing is to give changeacomin advice about how to move on without bitterness and rancour for those emotions will not serve her.

 

changeacomin - I think you should look to your chosen user name for inspiration and make the change that is coming a good one - your future is in your hands.

[Betweenthebars]

DN is right. I want to add, after he comes back, he may attempt to come back to you. When that happens, stay strong. If that happens and you decide to be with him, if that makes you happy then good luck. But I would always advise against it. I personally couldn't be with someone who left me to have travel flings. Whatever happens in the coming months, I wish you happiness =)