changeacomin Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 Am I stupid?? My ex left our 6 year relationship because he said he wanted to be single. He had only ever been in committed relationships (3 of them altogether) since the age of 17. He’s 41 now. He made this decision while on a 6 month trip around Europe, researching a travel book he wants to write. The trip changed him enormously. He visited places he’d never seen and met tons of people. He used to be quite shy, but this all boosted his confidence and as a consequence, I believe he is now a much more exciting prospect to women! Unfortunately, his trip also changed ME. I became insecure, needy and generally a pain in the backside while he was away. Anyway. This is what happened: Email 1. He sent me an email saying things had got to change. He needed space. He wasn’t happy having to worry about me being unhappy back at home without him. He needed to know I would be happy without him. He wanted to be able to continue his trip (which was to be for another 2 sessions of 6 months away, 6 months back home) without having to constantly massage my emotions. He wanted to be more carefree and not have to think of putting me first while he was away (but that he would always do that when he was back home) I wrote and apologized for being such a pain and vowed to change. We stayed in touch, as usual and I backed off with the neediness. Email 2. - 11 days later He wrote saying how he now didn’t like the idea of coming home at all.. That coming back to a small-town existence when there was so much else out there in the big wide world wasn’t something he wanted to do. He had also now decided to continue traveling AFTER this current trip finished.and that having a girlfriend was no longer compatible with those plans. We spoke on Skype. I stayed calm. I wanted to understand. I asked if he’d met someone else. He said no. The conversation ended with me saying lets talk when you come back in 4 weeks and between now and then please don’t feel you need to “check in” with me all the time. I’ll see you when you get back. Email 3 - 5 days later He explained something that had happened during a training course he’d been on during his trip. He wrote this: “There was someone there who I quite fancied, and I'm pretty sure she fancied me too, but I couldn't do anything about it because of you. And I really wanted to. So well done, me, for being faithful, but I don't take any pleasure from that because I actually wanted to be unfaithful. Well, no. I didn't want to be unfaithful - but I wanted to be in a position with there was no issue with being faithful or unfaithful to anyone. I wanted to be single so that I could do what the hell I liked. It dawned on me that, aside from an odd week here and there, I've been in a committed, monogamous relationship since I was 17. I don't want to be. I want to be free to do what I want. I'm sorry.” Yes, it cut through me like a knife. But the thing is: I understand. If I hadn’t been so needy while he’s been away, maybe things would have been different. I guess I felt threatened by his new found confidence and that his new interests were putting him into situations where there were plenty of women in his path who found him attractive. I know I need to work on that aspect of myself now. But the thing is: I completely understand where he’s coming from. Not just that he wants to be free from a needy girlfriend (which I was) but that he wants to explore what being single is like, with his new -found confidence. Does that make me stupid? Link to comment
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