A Flawed Remembrance of the Past

[Nirvana1986]

Greetings, all!

 

I was browsing the ENA forums yesterday and I came accross this thread, Habitual or do we actually love them that much?, in the Healing After Break Up section which kind of helped me see my healing in a different, I guess you could say… perspective, light.

 

A quick summary of my break up - It’s been six months since we broke up, to be honest I am not sure who the dumper was in this situation. All I know is we had an argument and we both called it quits in the heat of the moment. I wanted to give each other space to think before asking for a second chance, and during that space she met her current bf who, well, it’s the total opposite of me from I can see. Anyway, I stopped all contact with her the moment I found out they were official (a little less than a month after our break up), I blocked her on FB, email and my phone and that went on for about 2 months until my cellphone provider took the block off. About 2.5 months she gets back in touch with me, still trying to be friends even after all this time I have been ignoring her. Ever since we have been in very LC.

 

In my usual days when I think of my ex, I think of her as the one who got away, as this perfect girl, my dream girl, but in reality she is far from being perfect to me. She is not bad nor I am bad, we are just polar opposites when it comes to life and love; one good example – She once told me that marriage for her was a process of picking a roommate, you just have to find the best match possible regardless of love or not. And I am more of a person who does believe in getting married for love, and one of my greatest fears is feeling like I am signing a contract to live with someone for the rest of my life. I remember shaking my head then and realizing how different our personalities were. Maybe that was the main reason that attracted me to her, the fact that she was different. I seem to struggle keeping her image intact, her image as how it should be… realistic. I know I am happier now compared to when I was with her. When I was with her I was constantly feeling underappreciated, I was feeling like I was the only one working on the relationship, I was feeling drained. But now, I have been focusing on me, my work, trying to get back to Grad School, learning new things that I always had an interest in such as photography, meeting new interesting people, seeing new places, finally getting out and around the city where I now live something that I was never able to do because I would go out of town to visit my ex every weekend 3 hours away, volunteering for the Red Cross, and I finally (My main source of happiness at the moment) was able to get back to one of my life long passions; Ice Speed Skating with a competitive team.

 

Here is the thing; even though I can honestly say I am happy, I still think of and miss my ex every day….not the real ex, but a fabricated image of my ex. I am currently struggling with this and it’s a back and forth kind of struggle with me; whenever we go long periods of time without talking is when I miss her the most and long for her the most, but then we talk and it reminds me all over again why we are best not together, why we are not a good match. Then I can go on for 2-3 weeks happy and feeling like I have moved on, until my head starts fabricating her flawed image again and I start missing her again.

 

Is this something normal when dealing with a break up? Is this like a phase or something? Can contact actually be a good thing on moving forward since it helps me keep my feet on earth and actually see her for who she is instead of the person my mind fabricates? I feel like this is what keeping me from fully moving on.

[SelinaSmile]

I don't know I figure I'm also seeing a flawed version of him when I think of him. All I can think about is how much I want him in my life, but if I concentrate enough I can think of all the times he made me sad... So I know the person I see the vast majority of the time isn't really him.

[DN]

Sometimes you wear the rose-coloured spectacles, sometimes you don't. You can choose which.

 

The truth is usually somewhere in the middle.

[ElleBelle]

I think I can see him for all that he was -- beautiful with a streak of mean -- what I think I was delusional about was myself, that I could handle that. I pictured myself being strong enough to work through it, and I wasn't. I have broken my own heart.

[DN]

I have broken my own heart.

If that is true then the repair is well within your capability.

[okiedokiestomp]

try to strive for balance when you think of your ex, taking equal amounts of the good and the bad. Initially this will be hard---very hard. They weren't all bad or we wouldn't have been with them in the first place..but they aren't all of the good we have built them up into either. It takes time and resloving the emotions tied to her and the relationship before true balance is achieved and you can see the relationship for what it was and she for who she was when you were together.

[Sanity]

I believe people naturally want to perceive things as flawless when they desire it badly and the same happens with the opposite. When you do not want something and you have made up your mind, you will naturally be able to see the flaws. When I have moved on and I do get into a new relationship, that is usually when I do realise what I miss out. Because then I have something to wake me up in what a normal relationship should be. And when do we usually miss our ex? It is when the new relationship goes for a downturn.

 

There is nothing we can do really. That is just how we are programmed.

[ChocoBears]

I believe people naturally want to perceive things as flawless when they desire it badly and the same happens with the opposite. When you do not want something and you have made up your mind, you will naturally be able to see the flaws. When I have moved on and I do get into a new relationship, that is usually when I do realise what I miss out. Because then I have something to wake me up in what a normal relationship should be. And when do we usually miss our ex? It is when the new relationship goes for a downturn.

 

There is nothing we can do really. That is just how we are programmed.

 

This is so true. When my most recent relationship failed, I started seeing my more previous exes in a much more positive light. Like, they were all angels compared to my most recent ex and the atrocious way he behaved towards me. But immediately following every breakup, I see that ex as the worst boyfriend ever.

 

Good for you, OP. It seems like you've done so well for yourself, being able to maintain NC for the most part, and really getting into things you've always wanted to do.

[Nirvana1986]

Thanks, everybody!

 

 

I believe people naturally want to perceive things as flawless when they desire it badly and the same happens with the opposite. When you do not want something and you have made up your mind, you will naturally be able to see the flaws. When I have moved on and I do get into a new relationship, that is usually when I do realise what I miss out. Because then I have something to wake me up in what a normal relationship should be. And when do we usually miss our ex? It is when the new relationship goes for a downturn.

 

There is nothing we can do really. That is just how we are programmed.

 

Good point! I totally see where you are coming from. I remember my break up to my first love about 3 years ago, at first it was hard for me to remember the flaws, but as time passed and as I found love again my thoughts changed. Now, when I remember my first love, I am able to remember the good things as well as the bad things... without that longing feeling. When we first go through the break up, we, maybe subsconsciously, turn a blind eye towards the flaws as a way to try to reason why we actually want them back. But as time passes and as we heal, we are able to take a step aside and see the situation clearer and realistically. As of now, I feel I am happy and I do still miss her quite a bit especially since we used to talk every day when we were going out together, but when I am able to think rationally and take the rose coloured glasses (As DN mentioned) I know I dont want the relationship back... I can see that it was not fullfilling me, nor her. I have to admit that I do have to force myself to take the rose coloured glasses off most of the times, but I am sure as time goes by it will get easier, just like it did with my first love. It's just a transition period.