Fight or just let it go?

[AvonRepus]

My relationship with my husband was very exhausting,maybe passionate,very demanding. We had certain problems from the beginning so I was used to be the bigger and more responsible person. I put a lot of efforts,money,nerves,etc..

I have shared in my previous posts that my husband is a drug-addict,somewhat thief and ..pathological liar. At the end of our marriage he started cheating on me so I put an end on it. I tried to pull contact but for numerous reasons he broke it several times. The last couple weeks he tried to pull "I miss you " ,"I am coming with you " and all that crap. Spent a couple times together,meanwhile I got another evidence of his infidelities so I kept my guard up ...anyway long story short- the day he was supposed to spend with me he was with his new (brand new new ) girlfriend . So another betrayal while he is asking for another chance. Later on I found out that he keeps taking drugs and maybe there's a fourth person involved,he was a complete stranger .

 

In the beginning his parents were supporting me,later on he turned his mom against me-in a very ugly way because I am sure she cared for me deeply . He just did pure emotional blackmail...

I heard a lot of bad things about myself ,the other part of his family don't trust him at all,they still try to get a hold of me saying "we know how he is and we are ashamed"...but I can't bare the thought that at the end- I will be trashtalked and end up the real fool.

 

He's been telling his friends ( the ones that he still has,people don't trust him) that I didn't stop * * * * * ing and was jealous (yeah after I got cheated on ten times,I got jealous huh),took my clothes and never gave it back,took all of our furnitures and my money,got physical couple times...so finally I couldn't deal with his bs and packed my things and left the country . He's from US and I am from Europe.

 

I am very confused honestly,I've been thinking a lot about him,not in the good way -but I am restless and can barely sleep at night. And I came to the conclusion that ...well I need revenge. I feel humiliated in every possible way,I feel ashamed that I let him do this to me and couldn't put up a fight. I did try in the beginning but he acted like a beast. Hurtful words,mean actions...and I didn't have a good support system so I kinda gave up .

 

I feel like I am not going to get closure...ever....And I need it so I can move on and maybe someday I will think that what he did is not a statement about myself . But right now I feel like a piece of * * * * and I can't believe that "my other half" made me feel like this...People tell me that I was too nice,that I should of fight back and be as mean as he was,that I should try and hurt him...But I was afraid,afraid that he will break my heart again (I had no idea you can get your heart broken so many times) , afraid that I will mess up my karma even worse...

 

Should I seek revenge,it is pathetic but it seems to me that after 4 months of struggling to keep my sanity and tons of * * * * he threw in my face...I deserve it. I even slept in the library like a homeless person after he took all of my money and still I was taking care of our pets and bills...

 

I don't know how I end up like this,honestly I don't. I left Us and I left him,blocked him even though he's too afraid to seek contact of any kind. I don't want to hear a thing about him and if it's up to me he'd better be dead...

 

I guess I am still in my angry stage but I don't know how to resolve my issues?

 

Should I fight back?

[Liraele]

Holding onto anger is like holding onto a hot coal intending to throw it at someone else - it burns you, not just the person you want to hurt.

 

Or something like that.

 

I've found this to be true... a desire for revenge and to hurt the one who has hurt you repeatedly and so badly over time is a very overwhelming and NATURAL desire. However, odds are very, very good you'll feel worse if you exact that revenge. You'll be waiting to see if he'll retaliate, if you'll get in trouble, or hell, if it's subtle enough... if he'll even notice or be affected.

 

I lashed out at my ex... for his cheating, for the lying, for the general emotional hell I was put through. I ranted, raved, cried, and verbally kicked him in the gut and for trying to blame me, blame drinking, blame anyone/anything but himself for his behavior.

 

At the end of that... I took a look back and was disgusted for myself. We are each responsible for our own behavior, just as I was trying to point out to him... and then I behaved badly. It may be gratifying at the time... but looking back on it now, that hurts more than the actual cheating and lying did, I think. I have regrets, and huge ones, and I now have to live with those... I have no choice.

 

Take up kickboxing or taekwondo or some other physically taxing exercise that is a good release for aggression. I think you'll have an easier time looking yourself in the mirror than if you seek revenge.

 

Either way... ((hugs)). Sounds like you've been through a lot.

[SelinaSmile]

I agree, the only person you would hurt is yourself. Try to find some material on forgiveness. Once you forgive, you can go on with your life. Doesn't mean you forget, but as long as you can't forgive, you can't move past it.

[redswim30]

You want revenge ? The best revenge you can have is by living a full and happy life without him. Don't sink to his level, you are better than this. What he did was wrong, but two wrongs don't make a right. Doing something to him won't change what happened, won't make your life better and won't make you feel better. Much as you may want to, you won't turn the whole world against him, and most especially his family.

And again, what's the point ? It won't change anything.

 

I really think OP you should seek counseling and get your feelings out there to someone who can help. You need to learn to let go of this anger OP. it won't help you heal, and you are making things ever harder on yourself than they need to be. Focus all that energy on healing yourself.

By placing all this focus, attention and importance on him, you are in effect saying " You are more important to me that I am to myself".

 

I know how you feel. My ex-husband was horrible to me. I had some low moments. But when I look back now, I'm glad I never did anything that was beneath me, it only would have made me a worse person and it wouldn't have helped me feel better. I finally got better when I stopped focusing on the negatives with him, and started focusing on the positives of myself. You can do it too, OP. Surround yourself with positive people. And remember, what makes us who we are is how we respond in difficult situations. Think about what kind of person you want to be.

[AvonRepus]

Isn't it amazing how a person who used to mean the world to you now is like a stranger?

I have a lot of free time at the moment and that's what keeps me from moving on like a normal person....I am feeling guilty ,he made me feel guilty...guilty for my reaction to his actions...I know it's normal but I can't get away of that feeling that I failed.

Can somebody recommend me a good spiritual book from Amazon?

I got a few-Karma transformation,etc...not good ,just numerous cliches repeated over and over...