Words of advice needed. Applied NC..I want to get her out of my head

[Hastyhand]

As this is my first post I hope I will have a warm welcome here.

 

I should start explaining my situation first in general and then in more detail.

 

Were together: Over two and a half years

Lived together: one and a half

Me: Dumpee age 22

Her: Dumper age 19

Broke up: de facto 2 months ago ; officially 2 weeks ago (as in we wont try again)

NC: 2 weeks

 

where to begin.. ah yes!

Me and her met back in 2008 over the internet in a group chat with a common friend. I even didn`t know how she looked like or anything but we had this insane connection right away..we clicked..and as it turned out..she was the person who totally got me in every way..I havent had any other person like that in my life in my 22 years.

When we had been together for 7 months..at first we spent the whole summer together and at autum she spent the weekends at my place and sometimes even school mornings..she lived out of town with her family and her mother died when she was 6..so she lived with step-mother she didnt get along with and a father that didnt have time for her..never had. So all the stress built up in her..and she got closer with my family and at one point we had a big talk between everyone..so decision was made that she is going to move in with us and live in town, go to school from here. That was a low point at her life..going to one of the best therapists in the country, taking anti-depressants and having panic-attacks. I was there for her and supporter in every way I could..and eventually she got better. it happened in January 2010 and we lived together ever since. That next fall she changed school..and her friends from old school didn`t speak with her anymore..so she didnt have a group to hang with..and she didnt want to hang around with my people either..so we stayed home mostly.. we did go to events..but we didnt have the common group to hang with. I distanced from my activities and friends aswell..so all we got was mainly eachother. March 2011 she started going out with some people from her new school..after getting really passed-out drunk with them one time. All of a sudden..she had the people to hang with..and I didnt..I guess thats where it all began. She started going out every weekend..sometimes 2-3 times a week when spring came closer..and eventually at first weeks in June she spent more time away from home than she was with me. She told me in June that she wants to move away from my parents house, because my mother keeps bumming her(with household shores etc) and she wants a place of our own..I agreed if we could find finances for it.

She never has had a job, she never had to take responsibility..I always did it for her..since I am the oldest child and "big brother" in my family it`s built into me. Her life was just so easy..whenever she needed money...it was just a phone-call away..her father sent her out of guilt..(he couldnt invest time into their relationship..so he "payed her off"). So she wasnt independent and was very open to peer pressure..not that you could convince her into taking drugs or smoking, but in general..she was easy to manipulate.

We came up with a plan that we spend summer together and then at fall I start rebuilding my social circles again and she takes me into her new group of friends etc so we can all hang out together and have the common friends and we move to a place of our own.

Long story short - in more than 2 months we only saw eachother for a week in July..she spent all the time with her new friends and living with her parents. Then at the end of July she wanted to take a break from Us..until september...so we could try again then. On August 16th she came to my house and moved away all her stuff saying "Nothing is over..I just move to another place" She was positive that we are going to give it another chance and try again after she has moved into her new apartment. That happened on August the 27th

Between that time we were mostly ignoring eachother, I wished her well when she got sick on 23rd of Aug. On 27th I arranged a meeting with the help of her parents cause she was ignoring my calls and I needed to get the keys of my place from her. We started talking and I visited her new place a couple of times..taking some of her belongings to her...on first week of September she was still positive and wanted to give us another try..as we were suppoused to catch a play in theatre on 4th of Sept and she didnt show up...and was seen at the same time as the play walking in a mall with some guy wearing short skirt and stockings by a friend of mine. I went on NC.

Next friday..the 9th I had to visit her apartment to get some pictures needed for work from her laptop (I asked her some 10 days ago for them already)..I got keys from her roommate. She was at home..in the middle of the day..not in school..we talked about us.. I asked why she didnt come to theatre..she said she didnt want to..and that she lost intrest or will to try again with me..I said that its official then..we are broken up.

We had break-up sex...(had`t had sex with her since July 12th). Later on I learned that she is having a house-warming party the same evening and I am not invited.

The next evening I had to call her.. to offer her some shifts at the place I work at cause noone else was found that night..(she had asked me a couple of weeks ago - she needed money since living alone ). The day before I had asked her "Do you want me to offer some shifts if opportunity comes..she was enthusiastic and said "yes!". So I called her..and a male friend of hers picked up and replied that "She doesnt want to talk to you..and she doesnt need any of YOUR job..good night" and hanged up..I called again and told "Sorry to disturb, but I want to hear things like that from her personally..so then I was asked "Are you mentally retarded that you cant stop annoying people?" I hung up. Couldn`t believe how ungrateful and immature a person can be..first of all..I got her a JOB..second..some "friend" started blackguarding a person who some time ago fulfilled her deepest needs..and he was a total stranger to me.

Have been NC ever since..almost two weeks now.

 

Not only did I lose my loved one..I lost my best friend..the person who I could be 100% myself with.. and part of my dreams and my lifestyle.

And this feels the worse.

 

After first week of NC she started uploading pictures with certain male persons that she knows upset me to her Facebook. We had had a chat about that last spring..then she blocked my access to her blog..all our common memories from past years are in there..and I can`t access them anymore..it`s like she tryied to get a reaction out from me..but I stayed cool. The only thing I did was to delete and block her Facebook..so I cant see her profile anymore.

 

I have done all kinds of things to get myself feel better..go out, focus on university, joined a gym again. Being single again just doesnt feel good as it used to.

I want to get to the phase where I am not thinking about her anymore..but I am afraid that I constantly start comparing potential females with her. Also I want to go studying abroad next fall..and it`s pointless to hope to find a new relationship meanwhile?

We were suppoused to go together..thats where the lost dreams part came in etc. and no point in getting back together with Her when theres a deadline, right? But nothing is certain..I might even not get to study abroad.

 

So I am still feeling quite crappy..

and I`m not sure what I am asking for or did I explain myself the right way..if any questions..please ask and I will reply.

 

All the best to you!

[Hastyhand]

I also must say that she is now living on her own..just a 5 minute walk away from my house. For the first time she has to learn to be responsible for her life..she problably has to pick up a job..and she is learning how to get independent. I am glad..because when she was living with me..she was more like a child than a equal partner.

It just hurts that I am not the one who can enjoy the fruits of it.

I guess she checked out from the relationship already at summer..she told me that it wasnt working for her for past 5 months at beginning of September..since I didn`t like her hanging out with her new friends and she felt like I was limiting it.

She is now free - noone is telling her she cant do/go..she has never had that..first living with parents, then with me.

[Hastyhand]

So noone has anything to tell me?

 

Comeon guys - I turned here for help and every other topic gets replied..and mine doesnt..

[jeepman41]

The topic of this thread is "Applied NC...I want to get her out of my head". That's a lot easier said than done. When you first break up with someone and the emotions are running high even if you had a bad break, you thoughts will be consumed by this other person. As long as you have memories the other person will never be completely gone. Granted with time and distance your thoughts will become less intense and you'll have periods of time when you don't think about them as much.

 

Right now she is enjoying her new found freedom. The best thing you can do is back off is she is not "feeling it". Pursuing her will only serve to push her farther away. Let her go for now, try to heal and work on yourself.

[Hastyhand]

Yea I wasnt sure about the topic name..most the topic names are somewhat irrelevant with the content of topic.

 

I`ve let her go..read a lot of these topics here and some guys PDF about 7 reasons why I shouldnt want my ex back - and they did make sense and I agree with them.

It`s just.. when I am going out..I see all those people..and they cant seem to compare...with her unique look, clothing style, personality etc.

She really fitted the bill you know..I dont think of her as my soulmate or the one but just..she was a person I could have spent 5, 10 or 50 years with.

 

I am really choosing..or have high standards when it comes to LTR ..I automatically rule out the females that are smoking as potential partners..I just cant stand that habbit etc.

[jolbell69]

Hastyhand - I think it is far too early for you to be looking for another partner!! You need time to heal from your BU and your pain. Don't spend your time looking at other girls - this will only make you hurt more because you are constantly comparing. Spend your time enjoying your life, find 'you' again, and eventually you will find that it doesn't hurt so much, and you may be ready for another relationship. You are a young man with a long life ahead of you - use this time wisely.

[jeepman41]

I agree with jolbell69. It's too early for you to start looking at other females in a romantic light. If you are comparing them to your ex and you hold her to such high standards then none of these other girls will really compare. You are too emotional right now to get involved with someone else. It will end up as a rebound relationship. You just need to take time now and concentrate on yourself and healing from this breakup before even considering another relatiosnship.

 

All relationships cause you to evolve. But usually when one door closes another opens. I would caution you to just be patient and take it one day at a time and don't try to rush back into getting together with somebody else. It may ease the pain but only temporarily.