Voidless Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 Hi I don't really know how to start. My parents always had a sort of weird relationship, my mom was kind of grossed out by my dad sometimes I think, because he was (and is) overweight. My dad used to beat us (me and my brothers) to the point where we were completely terrified of him, but for some reason I really adored my dad and detested my mother, because she's very immature in every sense of the word. I've always been extremely intelligent and sensitive ever since I can remember. Things got really bad when I turned about nine, I fell into a HUGE depression, and I mean cutting, nights up sobbing, about to kill myself, everything ... I felt extremely alone and my life was just a nightmare. I had no one to confide in, but even if I did, nobody would've really gotten me (so I thought). I eventually came out of the depression a few years later (yay) only to emerge a completely lifeless being. Outwardly, I'm perfectly normal, even happy, but if my whole town blew up I probably wouldn't care, I feel nothing. Sometimes I even want to fall back into the depression to feel SOMETHING. My dad moved back to the other side of the country for work. My mom cheated on him (my brother caught them ... this brother, by the way, was emotionally abusive towards me for a long time) and told my father a year later. I live with my mother and grandmother. My grandmother is extremely sadistic, cruel and unloving to my mother, and dotes on her brother (my uncle), so I can understand a lot of her issues. The thing is, though, my mother depends on me a lot emotionally which is really hard (I'm only 17), but when I get mad at her (which is often because she's extremely immature) she begins to treat me really badly and loads all this emotional guilt on me. The other day she said she was going to kill herself after we got in a discussion. She's bipolar and depressive but I don't know what to do. I don't really know why I'm posting this. It's not like anyone can do anything about it. I just really feel ... I don't know. I should feel really bad, but like I said, I have this emotional void, yet at the same time a lot of stress because of her. I sleep very little and smoke a lot (cigarretes, I mean.) I also have this boyfriend who treats me really well, but I don't respond equally. Maybe because he's really jealous (not abusive-type, though) but I'm grateful that I don't love him that much since the last thing I need is a difficult relationship. I doubt anyone wants to read this much but I just want to leave this here in someplace in case I go nuts one day and kill myself and end it all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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