Emotionally vacant

[Voidless]

Hi I don't really know how to start.

 

My parents always had a sort of weird relationship, my mom was kind of grossed out by my dad sometimes I think, because he was (and is) overweight. My dad used to beat us (me and my brothers) to the point where we were completely terrified of him, but for some reason I really adored my dad and detested my mother, because she's very immature in every sense of the word. I've always been extremely intelligent and sensitive ever since I can remember. Things got really bad when I turned about nine, I fell into a HUGE depression, and I mean cutting, nights up sobbing, about to kill myself, everything ... I felt extremely alone and my life was just a nightmare. I had no one to confide in, but even if I did, nobody would've really gotten me (so I thought). I eventually came out of the depression a few years later (yay) only to emerge a completely lifeless being. Outwardly, I'm perfectly normal, even happy, but if my whole town blew up I probably wouldn't care, I feel nothing. Sometimes I even want to fall back into the depression to feel SOMETHING.

 

My dad moved back to the other side of the country for work. My mom cheated on him (my brother caught them ... this brother, by the way, was emotionally abusive towards me for a long time) and told my father a year later. I live with my mother and grandmother. My grandmother is extremely sadistic, cruel and unloving to my mother, and dotes on her brother (my uncle), so I can understand a lot of her issues. The thing is, though, my mother depends on me a lot emotionally which is really hard (I'm only 17), but when I get mad at her (which is often because she's extremely immature) she begins to treat me really badly and loads all this emotional guilt on me. The other day she said she was going to kill herself after we got in a discussion. She's bipolar and depressive but I don't know what to do.

 

I don't really know why I'm posting this. It's not like anyone can do anything about it. I just really feel ... I don't know. I should feel really bad, but like I said, I have this emotional void, yet at the same time a lot of stress because of her. I sleep very little and smoke a lot (cigarretes, I mean.) I also have this boyfriend who treats me really well, but I don't respond equally. Maybe because he's really jealous (not abusive-type, though) but I'm grateful that I don't love him that much since the last thing I need is a difficult relationship.

 

I doubt anyone wants to read this much but I just want to leave this here in someplace in case I go nuts one day and kill myself and end it all.

[ghostgirl116]

hey, i know what you mean. i'm 40 now, but i remember from the time i was around ten becoming extremely depressed, and by the time i was sixteen i was a mess. i sliced up my face and legs, and i thought that i was an evil being. i was being raised by a woman who had no idea what boundaries were, and she was mentally and emotionally unstable, and very abusive. there is a lot more to that story, with my father and an uncle that thought it was fun to beat the you-know-what out of us. in my twenties i escaped the bad joo-joo house and propelled myself into one crazy situation after another. and one day, circumstances dictated that i start liking myself a little bit more.

 

i guess i'm just trying to say, its hard to see it when you're in the thick of it, but life will get better.

 

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

[nutbrownhare]

It's totally, perfectly understandable why you're emotionally vacant; you have had some terrible experiences at the hands of people who should have been there to care for you and protect you. This includes the fact that your mother relies on you emotionally - it really isn't your responsibility - quite apart from the abuse you have suffered in the past.

 

However, you are in a situation which you can't leave at the moment and your emotional numbness is there to protect you from the feelings of rage, grief, despair and betrayal which would be a natural response to your experiences. It would just not be safe to feel your emotions at the moment, and we all have psychological defences which protect us from feelings which might overwhelm us otherwise. Your life will undoubtedly get better once you're in a position to leave home, and you will probably find that you 'come back to life' once this happens.

 

Having a suicidal parent is an appalling experience, I know. Having anybody threaten suicide and try to blame it on you is an appalling experience, but doubly so from someone who actually has responsibilities towards you, and from whom you have the right to expect loving care. Is there any way you can get professional support while you go through this? If you're in college, is there a counsellor you could see? Keep posting on here - there are plenty of people on here who will be only too willing to support you, but make sure you get your needs met in real life, too.

 

(((HUGS)))

[meoww]

Having inadequate parents or caregivers always takes a toll. If you do seek counseling, make sure you find someone really good at what they do. It can been so disheartening when there are no decent resources to aid in your healing.

 

Don't keep it all inside though, abusive parents keep their power by keeping you silent about their mistreatment of you. You are 17, start saving asap if you haven't already, so that you actually have a way out. You are not powerless in this situation. Get financial support from other sources--scholarships, your grandparents, anywhere you can get it. Think about your future now because your family situation might never change. You don't want to be suffering from the effects of your mother's mental illness and immaturity for the next 10 years or something.

 

My advice to you is to not get mad at her anymore. Just rise above it and treat her like the child she is (without her knowing that of course!) Go into damage control mode. You are in the right, but she's never going to accept that. Just focus on yourself, it's the best thing you can do right now. You're so close to leaving home! you made it this far, you're basically at the finish line.