think i found the root cause of the jealousy

[UniqueSoul]

I'm scared because this relationship I am in is very serious. I'm scared that i could possibly lose my bf, and ruin all chances of being happy. I get so jealous over everything and I sabotage my own relationship for fear of being happy! Does this happen to anyone else? Has anyone else been so scared of the relationship being "right" that our subconscious makes it "Wrong?"

[oldenoughtoknow]

I think you're on the right track. Here's a few more questions to ponder. Why do you think you're "afraid" of being happy? Or, do you think it's more that you don't "deserve" to be happy? Why do you think you need someone in your life to be happy?

 

Have you ever tried to talk to your subconscious? You know, that background noise that's always going on in the back of your head? It's probably saying things like "he's probably going to leave." "What will I do if he leaves?" Try to listen to yourself, and challenge these background thoughts. They can and will effect your overall mood and demeanor. If you're not happy with what your subconscious is saying, talk to yourself. It's not just for crazy people. It can take up to a few months to notice a change, but these negative thoughts will eventually start to go away.

[rambohearts]

i am exactly the same. my jealousy can escalate way out of hand and i cant control it, but he didnt want to help he left instead.

[UniqueSoul]

thanks, oldenoughtoknow. The main problem is that i talk to my subconscious way too much. i think i need to start ignoring it because its crazy lol. im not sure what to do anymore. im just exhausted.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Well, when you talk to your subconscious, do you listen and agree, or do you challenge it? If you just listen and agree, you may as well ignore it, because what it's saying will dominate your thoughts and actions. If you want to change your demeanor and behavior, you have to talk back and challenge it.

 

Subconscious: "This is too perfect. He's probably going to leave me."

 

Conscious response" "Well, there are no guarantees in life for anything. But I'm a great person, I believe he loves me, I believe I deserve him and I know I deserve to be happy."

 

There is no quick fix for these thought patterns. But if you can learn to listen for them and stop them every time you hear something negative, they will eventually subside. Google cognitive behavior therapy or CBT.

[UniqueSoul]

ok thanks. i just wish my mind was more simple sometimes!

[ClarenceRutherford]

I'm scared because this relationship I am in is very serious.

 

I'm scared that i could possibly lose my bf, and ruin all chances of being happy.

This is an unwarranted fear.

This isn't what you need to be worrying about.

 

You could lose your BF like you could lose a job or something else, of course, but you need to rely less on a BF.

 

If you're in constant worry about losing a dating partner, that seems to be a sign that you're relying on him too much.

You are an independent person who has your own thoughts, wants and needs.

I'm scared that i could possibly lose my bf, and ruin all chances of being happy.

Your ultimate happiness is not dependent on another person.

 

Now, of course if you get married and give your heart to someone, you're gonna get emotionally close to that person. Am not blind to reality, but ...

.....No one can "abandon" you as you're not a helpless infant.

Just like no one can "break your heart" unless you allow them to.

 

Of course, you will have feelings for your partner but you need to keep those feelings in check and not become co-dependent upon another.

When the other leaves or does something that you take as threatening, your lack of balance shows and you overreact. It's not healthy.

 

Am not an expert on codependence but have heard it's not good for people to be that way in relationships.

 

Given what you've posted about your relationships with men, and your jealousy, I think you could benefit from learning about being Non-Chalant in dating and learning about No Contact when a relationship ends.

 

Acting nonchalant or indifferent could help you and could be a good strategy for any man or woman pursuing a relationship.

 

DramaLama has some good resources on nonchalance and no contact..

 

 

This thread on "Nonchalance is your friend" explains the benefits of playing it cool, not acting like this other person you're dating is "the one," acting like you can live without him or her, etc.

 

 

That's a big, long thread, but if you read through it, you may see some of your actions.

Read through some of the stories and some of the postings -- and how other posters recommend acting. CrapAtNC offers great advice there. Many people say that behavior has helped them.

 

I read these kind of threads and saw many weakness I and other guys had when we dated, letting ourselves too dependent on the other, not giving the other enough "space" when they have honest and legitimate doubts or questions about the relationship, getting devastated when the other breaks it off, etc.

 

So the person you're dating gets upset about something and tells you he or she's not ready for this? Just get up and walk away. Men and women are often attracted to what they don't have.

The push-pull theory.

[Celadon]

^ Good stuff there.

 

One thing I've learned when struggling with jealousy is that it helps me to keep in touch with men other than my bf and also to remember the good interactions/conversations I've had with men friends. If your bf's attention toward you is your whole measuring stick, then you are very likely to get jealous. But if your feeling of desirable-ness is in part based on true reactions you've had from other guys, then that is a more realistic basis for your view of yourself.

 

Some people might say that my self-esteem shouldn't have anything to do with how men interact with me, but I'm sorry, one's interactions with EVERYONE go to forming your identity.

 

So when my bf starts eyeballing someone else (even innocently or distractedly), or looks unusually eager to talk with a friend of mine, I try to resist (not always easy) the irritation and jealousy, and I think of the guys I know who would love to spend time with me, or with whom I've had positive, friendly conversations. And I try to remember the bottom line, which is if my bf is unable to treat me well and with respect, he doesn't deserve me. It's all on him to show what he's made of, really.

[Celadon]

Oh, and another thing related to jealousy: remember that you can ALWAYS up your game. Not to become someone you are not but to become more of who you uniquely and wonderfully are. Sometimes I have found that jealousy stems from feeling trapped. But I try to remember I have options, that's also what I was trying to say in my post above.

 

Sorry if this was OT from the fear of being happy idea. I think It's partly a fear of trusting that the happiness will last, that you won't be rejected if you let down your guard.

[meoww]

Oh, and another thing related to jealousy: remember that you can ALWAYS up your game. Not to become someone you are not but to become more of who you uniquely and wonderfully are. Sometimes I have found that jealousy stems from feeling trapped. But I try to remember I have options, that's also what I was trying to say in my post above.

 

Sorry if this was OT from the fear of being happy idea. I think It's partly a fear of trusting that the happiness will last, that you won't be rejected if you let down your guard.

 

This is really insightful--never thought of it that way--but when I think about my own feelings of jealousy from the past, I could definitely describe it as feeling trapped.

 

Don't be afraid to be vulnerable--it cost me a relationship with someone I liked very much. I doubt it would have worked out in the long run anyway lol, but I really killed that relationship by convincing myself it would never work out and that I didn't deserve him. People can really pick up on your low esteem and it really affects your relationships in so many ways. If he's a good person, please don't let this happen to you!

[Celadon]

Thanks for sharing your experience, meoww. I think that's real wisdom about being vulnerable, and not letting opportunity pass you by without making the most of it. I'm glad you are not trapped, though, in thinking that the relationship could've worked out. There's nothing worse than feeling like you lost "The One" (not that I really believe there is only one person for each of us, but some people do, which makes them do desperate things).

[ClarenceRutherford]

UniqueSoul,

Please read some of those links on Nonchalance.

 

That DramaLLama thread has a world of links on NonChalance (for dealing with relationships) and No Contact (for dealing with breakups).

 

 

Doing the things recommended can help you as men and women are very capable of hurting each other in relationships.

 

I was naive and didn't understand all this, but you gotta protect your heart.

No one told me anything about those topics, so try to read through it. Didn't learn those concepts until a couple of years ago and I've been in a relationship for nearly 2 decades.

 

Am positive, if you read through some of the threads, you'll benefit and do better in your expectations when dating.

And know how to better handle guys.