Unsure

[whatintheworld]

Almost 2 years ago, I moved out of my family home to the city I was born in... Which happened to be in a different country as well, so that I could work. A couple weeks later I was raped, and thus started the most emotional rollercoaster I have ever been on.

I had just started dating this amazing guy, and we are actually engaged now. I survived a whole year on my own and then moved back in with my parents because I couldnt handle it anymore. And a couple weeks after I moved back home I got the terrifying news that my rapist walked free because the judge thought his story was more believable... He didnt believe that I was 18 years old and a virgin. That I was an innocent, naive girl alone for the first time. I gained 60 pounds in the first 4 months after my rape, and started having nightmares. And he didnt believe that a 120 pound 5'4" girl couldnt fight off a 6'2" guy in an empty building.... I dont trust people anymore, the world isnt all sunshine and chances to be amazing...

 

Here is the problem. I dont feel anything.

I feel anger occaisionally at small stupid things.

I rarely feel happy.

Or sad.

I am always tired.

Nothing interests me anymore.

Im getting married in 3 months to this amazing guy who I trust, but I have nightmares of being abandoned.

I get scared at everything. Big crowds, empty rooms, talking on the phone, seeing policemen, staircases, people, especially tall white men...

I cant talk to people, except my fiance, whom I dump everything on.

Every joint in my body is usually sore, making me want to move slowly, and I have a headache 5 out of 7 days in a week.

Someone sent me a smiley face on chat today... And it made me want to scream at the top of my lungs... But I never speak loudly...

What is wrong with me?

[whatintheworld]

I used to paint, and write, and sew, and cook, and sing.... Now, I am see everything as black and white. Straightforward. And I cant sing anymore... My voice is gone.

[Jetta]

Congratulations on your engagement.

 

Personally I think you should seek professional help to work through the issues you carry from the rape, which will be long lasting if you don't learn how to work through them and release them. Therapy has helped me work through things in my life that were traumatic and help me to realize things that have healed me.

 

Anger of course is a natural part of the grieving process and you definitely have a lot to be angry about, but there are healthy releases for all your feelings, and a therapist will guide you to them. I'm sure you want to be able to be in public and not carry the feelings of fear that currently hold you back.

[Deciduous]

Hi whatintheworld,

 

You're describing a type of "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder,". You went through a devastating, terrifing and shocking experience Any small detail connected to the event can trigger a cascade of panic. You then went through the proper channels, seeking justice and was dealt a second blow.

 

How messed up is that?

 

The truth is only 6%-8% of rape defendants are convicted. This is nothing to do with you or your actions. Nothing to do with guilt or his lack of guilt, justice or lack of justice. This is the way it is.

 

So how do you begin to regain some portion of the trust that was taken away from you. And how do you deal with your anger at what has happened and what failed to happen through the courts.

 

There should be a rape crisis centre in your city/town. The first step would be to contact them. They will refer you onto a counsellor who specialises in PTSD in sexual assault/rape cases.

 

Do no let this man rob you of your life - and don't attempt to go through this alone. There are those that have been through what you have. They will help you through. They can give you guidance and some small semblance of hope that there is life after rape.

 

Please don't wait any longer. You deserve so much more assistance.

 

Deci