How was contact made to Reconcile, by whom, and what was the process

[ventdomain]

I received a pretty ambiguous text earlier this month from my ex that I haven't spoken to in over 4 months. I still do care for her and although she only said that she hopes I'm doing well and she was thinking of me and my family, I feel it could have been her way to reach out. I'm really on the fence as to what my next step is but I was wondering what everyone here that is in the process of reconciliation went through in order to take the leap of faith and pop the question about getting back together.

 

I'm wondering if most reconciliation attempts are sparked with a text/ phone call of "I miss you/ want to be with you" or if they're often more subtle and unclear. I don't imagine she is the sort of person who will contact me with the "I love you want you back" line unless I give her some prompt to do so. So here are my questions to you all who have either reconciled, or are in the process of reconciliation. Thanks in advance.

 

1) Who made first contact? Dumper or Dumpee

 

2) What were the contents of the contact? Was it ambiguous and testing the waters or was it upfront and direct?

 

3) How long was the relationship and how long had you been broken up for and in NC for?

 

4) What is some advice you could give someone in my position if you do still have feelings for this person but are seriously afraid to death that she (the dumper) could hurt me again and lead me on through another wild goose chase for her affection.

[aminaSa]

to most people that i know it happened in 3 stages

 

1.after beeing dumped,the dumpee begged,cried

 

2.the dumpee started NC and eventually moved on

 

3.the dumper contacts and some kind of contact is made again

 

 

I have no advice since im in the same situation,,luckily i never begged and tried to make him change decision

[Brownstone322]

It's good, I think, to see more threads about reconciliations and not simply about being broken up.

 

I received a pretty ambiguous text earlier this month from my ex that I haven't spoken to in over 4 months. I still do care for her and although she only said that she hopes I'm doing well and she was thinking of me and my family, I feel it could have been her way to reach out. I'm really on the fence as to what my next step is but I was wondering what everyone here that is in the process of reconciliation went through in order to take the leap of faith and pop the question about getting back together.

I call that kind of contact "non-committal." It's hard to say what that kinda contact means (that's the idea behind "non-committal"), but that's how I would expect reconciliations to begin. After a significant separation, people are unlikely to simply show you their cards (more below).

 

I'm wondering if most reconciliation attempts are sparked with a text/ phone call of "I miss you/ want to be with you" or if they're often more subtle and unclear. I don't imagine she is the sort of person who will contact me with the "I love you want you back" line unless I give her some prompt to do so.

I think you're right on the second idea. Almost nobody is gonna call you up after many months and profess their undying love and desire to get back together. Who in hell would do that? Would you? I wouldn't. I'd be ... um ... non-committal.

 

I had a reconciliation some years ago, and I'm (maybe) working on one now. I was dumpee in both cases, and both reconnections began in non-committal fashion ...

 

1) Who made first contact? Dumper or Dumpee

Back then She did.

 

Recently I did.

 

2) What were the contents of the contact? Was it ambiguous and testing the waters or was it upfront and direct?

Back then By phone. She called to see if I could get her a support job on the student newspaper. (I was editorial-page editor.) Her intentions weren't a complete lie (she ended up getting the job), but it was really to make renewed contact with me.

 

Recently By text. I was trying to refinance the house that we co-own, and I had to contact her to let her know what was going on.

 

3) How long was the relationship and how long had you been broken up for and in NC for?

Back then About a year and a half together, about a year and a half apart.

 

Recently Nineteen years together, about 2 1/2 years apart.

 

4) What is some advice you could give someone in my position if you do still have feelings for this person but are seriously afraid to death that she (the dumper) could hurt me again and lead me on through another wild goose chase for her affection.

Make sure you've been apart for a substantial period, enough for both of you to come down from intense emotions. If you're still "afraid to death," then it's probably too soon. On the other hand, don't believe the advice that you have to wait "until you don't care anymore." If you genuinely loved her, then you will always care. If you want to try reconciliation, at some point you're going to have to put yourself at some level of emotional risk.

[SelinaSmile]

to most people that i know it happened in 3 stages

 

1.after beeing dumped,the dumpee begged,cried

 

2.the dumpee started NC and eventually moved on

 

3.the dumper contacts and some kind of contact is made again

 

The first time, above.

 

Right now, I am in the middle of a forced NC initiated by the dumper.

 

So to answer your questions regarding my first NC:

 

1: Dumper

2: First was an excuse to talk to me. To find out how I was, claimed he could find no other source (not true, we have mutual friends)

3: At that time we had been together 5 years, but it was a roller coaster. He broke up with me every 5-6 months. That time I finally initiated NC. We had been broken up 2.5 months. NC for a month and a half.

4: I can't give you advice. The heart wants what the heart wants. Sometimes reconciliations work, sometimes they don't. From my own experience, it is important to address and work through the REAL reasons for the breakup. That was the mistake I made this last time: we did not do this.

[Tussin]

I find this confusing too because my ex (the dumper) broke up with me last month, and has sent me similar non-comittal texts, what others here have termed "breadcrumb texts" and I have been confused as to what to do.

 

Some people have told me to stick to NC. And others have told me to confront her by asking what exactly she intended by sending me this or that text. Well, when I did ask her, she kinda breezed by it. ME: "what were your intentions?" HER: "I had my ideas" after the conversation I was still confused and hurt and set back more days thinking and thinking...

 

I think I agree with what Brownstone322 said: "Make sure you've been apart for a substantial period, enough for both of you to come down from intense emotions. If you're still "afraid to death," then it's probably too soon. On the other hand, don't believe the advice that you have to wait "until you don't care anymore." If you genuinely loved her, then you will always care. If you want to try reconciliation, at some point you're going to have to put yourself at some level of emotional risk. "

[Clumsy Llama]

Make sure you've been apart for a substantial period, enough for both of you to come down from intense emotions. If you're still "afraid to death," then it's probably too soon. On the other hand, don't believe the advice that you have to wait "until you don't care anymore." If you genuinely loved her, then you will always care. If you want to try reconciliation, at some point you're going to have to put yourself at some level of emotional risk.

 

That is some golden advice.

[mhowe]

No advise for that scenario, as I did not believe that my dumper set out to hurt me the first time.