Boyfriend lied about his gay past

[alibalibee]

Hey,

 

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and 4 months. I'm 27, he's 26.

 

When we first started dating, he told me he was confused about his sexuality when he was younger, I never thought anything more of it. We went on holiday together after 2 months where he told me that he seen a guy for roughly 6 months, but to him it was nothing more than a friendship, again I thought fair enough and that was that. We fell deeply for each other and are each others best friends. On so many countless occasions we have discussed how amazing we are together, our future etc, and so many times we have picked up on the fact that this was so unique to the both of us - it was both out first relationships, first loves etc...everything was so perfect. When we returned from the holiday, we instantly looked to rent a flat together. A week before we were due to move in, we were drinking and I asked him something about his past, and he came out with the fact that actually it was a 3 year relationship...again, he just seen it as a friendship! The next day I got really upset, mainly at the fact he lied to me about it all, but then I know it must be so hard to tell someone that. We talked on the phone that night about it all, and he tripped himself up and it ended up coming out that they spent 2 holidays abroad together (big holidays to America both times). These holidays, he had told me before that he was there with a friend from uni (he actually showed me photos from one of the holidays and told me how amazing it was before that too!)

 

We met up the day after and talked things through. I made it very clear to him that I had no issue with his past (although it was of course hard to get my head around) but, due to issues I've had in my past, 100% truth and honesty is a must, so I asked, actually pleaded, for him to tell me everything then. I asked him if there were any other holidays like in the UK etc, he said it was just the 2 to the US, if it was sexual in anyway - he said the guy performed sexual acts on him, but in the 3 years, this would have happened only every few months - in fact, that's why he split it up in the end because he didn't particularly enjoy the sexual element with a guy. I also found out that he was a virgin when in fact, when we first met, he told me he had been with a girl before. He told me again he was just confused, he let the relationship go on too long, they never celebrated anniversaries, gave birthday/christmas presents or said they loved each other. He also came out with random things that they didn't do together that I never asked him about in the first place, like he never seen his friends, only seen each other every couple of weeks, never seen his family etc, The only reason they lasted so long was because they got on so well together.

 

Over the past year, we have had fights about this as things weren't adding up. This has been killing me and is pretty much constantly on my mind, purely just the fact that he's lied so much to me, and I had the gut feeling he was still lying. I once found a post he wrote on a forum giving another guy advice to come out and that he had done it a few years ago and had now been with his boyfriend for 2.5 years and was so happy, it was devastating and so confusing to see my boyfriend had wrote this and once thought this way. 2 months ago, I turned round to him and had to say that there are too many things and I feel like I'd be living my life always wondering what the truth was. He eventually told me that there were trips to London and Glasgow specifically to gay clubs, he was also sexual towards his boyf, met his friends a lot etc, they once celebrated New Year in a £300 a night hotel the guy took him to, romantic! So I was like ok, sounds like you guys must have been in love and done the usual presents etc thing that couples do? Yet again, he swore 100% to me that was not the case. Now after dragging it out of him, I find out they were in love, the relationship was actually 3 years 8 months, they did get each other gifts at occasions (although he 'can't remember' them - this was only 2 years ago, of course he does, so now I'm freaking out about what he's hiding now). basically it was a full blown 4 year relationship with a man, where my boyfriend was out as a fully gay man to everyone bar his parents. It worries me that when he was confused with his sexuality, he chose men first.

 

Apart from being extremely, extremely hurt at the constant lies, I am now a jealous person with him as I was made to believe that everything we shared was special and unique to us, and now it isn't. He is now at the stage that he refuses to talk about anything regarding his past, so I am unable to ask him anything to try and get my head around it. I am totally 100% fine with him being bisexual and realise this is something he is still coming to terms with, I'm just so so hurt that he repeatedly lied to me despite me saying that I needed the truth from him so many times. His ability to constantly lie despite knowing it hurts me, worries me as I know I'll never know the full truth. I love him, I 100% trust him in his feelings for our relationship, I'm just not sure I can forgive any more. *

 

I'd like to know if people think his actions were forgiveable? We did have an amazing relationship, should I just try to suck it up and get over the fact he's been in love and done all the usual romantic things before? I hate the thought of it, but that's more because I was led to believe he never had that kind of past.

 

He tells me that he still has an attraction to men and that he realises he's bisexual now (although I do have to admit I hate the thought of him fantasising about men), but he didn't enjoy the sexual element of his previous relationship and if we were ever to split up, he'd only go after girls. But now I'm not even 100% sure that he broke up with his ex...as there has just been so many lies. He started going on online dating sites for girls a month after they split up, which after a 4 year relationship, I think is very quick. If he didn't enjoy the sexual element, why would he want to go round to his house, go on holiday with him when he knew the situations arise?

 

On a side part, I have noticed that it is only with direct sexual contact that he gets aroused - seeing me naked or dressed up, or him sexually fooling with me does not make him physically aroused...even if I start on him, he'd lose it if the scenario changes....it's only when I touch him does he become aroused....is that normal or should I worry about that? He's not much of a sexual person in nature like a lot of men and I'm not used to that, so have been losing a lot of confidence in that way too. Because of this, I am unsure why he'd split up with a man with the main reason being because he didn't enjoy the sexual element of the relationship, when I know that he's not too fussed about the sexual element of any relationship anyway!

 

I am a complete over analyser and have been over thinking things for far too long which has resulted in the last 2 months being a complete nightmare for the both of us. He's staying at his parents house just now to give me some time to think. It's been left that, I need to either go back to him saying I am 100% confident that I am over this and we can draw a line under it all, not ask him any more questions about his past and we can fully move on and look to our future. Either that or I need to properly split with him - which would be heartbreaking as we really are amazing together and everyone sees us as the golden couple, he's a great guy, he's romantic and tells me he loves me all the time, he'd never cheat one me, our families love each other, everything but this is perfect...but he's a complete idiot at the same time for lying so much!!! I genuinely love him a lot, I'm just worried that he's hurt me too much and because of that, we'll never be able to get 'us' back.

 

Sorry for such a long essay, I've kept this all to myself for far too long.

 

Anyone's advice would be much appreciated!! Thanks so much

[Hollyj]

Personally, I would have issues with my boyfriend having sexual relationships with men, and would always question him returning to men.

 

If this is not a huge concern for you, the lying should be. This man has repeatedly lied to you, and this should be enough. How can you trust this man.

 

i would ask yourself why this relationship is OK with you? It sounds like a lot of deceit and drama!

[princessinblue]

Well...I could understand why he was scared. I have a friend that was bi at a point and when he told his girlfriend she broke up with him and called him a freak and If that happens to you I could understand why he might have lied to you about all of this.Not saying its right, but I'm sure he had his reasons.Though if he can't be open with you something has to be done because its a relationship.Does he love you? Doesn't that love you share make the relationship special in its own way? I don't think past romantic partners matter as long as he wants you. People can't change there past, but they can choose their futures.

[Hollyj]

I also question his lack of sexual interest.

[Miss Firecracker]

He's a gay man. He's also a liar.

 

This is bad news. I couldn't hack it.

[chitown9]

to move out and move on.....chi

[Mesemene]

I wouldn't have any more of an issue with a relationship with a man than a woman - but I would be a bit leery of the lying.

 

I can understand a guy being hesitant to be forthcoming about his past with another man. However, after it came up, and after you said honesty was the main thing you valued - then would've been a good time for him to come totally clean and tell you how involved he was/wasn't with the other man.

 

At the very least, you need to make it crystal clear just how important honesty is to you, and tell him in your eyes, his lying has really hurt his credibility with you and is making you question if he can be trusted. And ask him what he thinks he needs to do to try and regain your trust. If you're satisfied with his answers and feel he warrants another shot - by all means - but make it clear another lie is his third strike and out.

[Smile12]

He's gay, and he has lied way too much. There's no forgiving in this situation, and personally - I can't imagine a bright future for this relationship. I'm sorry.

[alibalibee]

Thanks very much to all for your replies. Thing is, I can imagine an amazing future with him...if none of this had happened, he's my dream man and absolutely amazing. I just wish he'd told me everything right at the start and things would have been so much easier and different. I'm just still not 100% sure yet I can forgive him...I really really don't think he's gay, he's definitely bisexual but he must be attracted to girls to be with me!! (hopefully!!)

[Angel Irulan]

I think it would be impossible to go forward with a man who: isn't sexually interested in me, lies to me, and says he's been gay in the past. Since he's not sexually interested in me, and he's been gay in the past, I would presume that he's gay in the present, and just about do anything to get myself out of this one. Walk, no drama, away quietly. You don't have anything to hide exactly, but dating a gay man isn't exactly a bonus either. Don't worry about him and his feelings, worry about you. How does this make you feel, how does this affect your standing in the community? Is this dangerous to your health in any way? HIV/AIDS, anger directed towards you from other gay men, your anger at yourself for letting this stand.

 

Walk off, and don't look back.

Angel

[Hollyj]

What are you hopeful about? The entire relationship is full of lies!

 

You say "if only none of this has happened" as if you can somehow just forget it ever happened and it doesn't mean anything.

 

It means EVERYTHING.

 

And think about what will happen, if he decides he wants to be with men exclusively, when there kids involved. I have several friends who have experienced this the chid, the other who denied who he was. Very difficult for all parties!

 

Sadly, it is still easier to be straight in today's society. There is still much discrimination, so some try to deny who they are so that they may feel that the 'fit in.' Being gay does not go away, and i don't understand why you would sacrifice so much for one individual? The lies alone would be enough for me to bail.

 

Good luck!

[Perrin83]

My question is: What's the big deal about the past?

 

It would be different if he had cheated in the past, but that's not the case.

 

Everyone is so freaking obsessed with past sexual relationships that it gets in the way of a potentially good relationship.

[alibalibee]

I totally agree Perrin83, thanks for that. The only problem I've had is the lies about the past...as they have been made in our present and would continue into our future.

 

Although he's lied so much, I genuinely believe him when he says he loves me, is sexually attracted to me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I think the reason he's struggled with his sexuality is because he's not as sexual as others can be (although still somewhat sexual) and so therefore falls in love with the person rather than the sex of the person. He is embarrassed about his past so he's tried to hide it so much. He freely admits how much of an idiot he's been, but hates his past so much, he'll constantly lie or hide things about it.

 

I've never had an issue with the details of his past, the issue was being made to believe I was special and that he never had a past in the first place.

[Hollyj]

Do you not have gay friends? I have a lot of gay friends, that why I think this situation is crazy!!

 

Why are you not focusing also on the lies? Why is this enough for you????? Have you had bad relationships in the past? how is your self-esteem?

[alibalibee]

Yes, I have gay friends and so I appreciate there is a difference between gay and bisexual people. I think it's unfair to label him as gay just because he has had a relationship with a man before.

 

I am only focusing on the lies, and this is my issue with him. I want to forgive him so badly. I've never had a serious relationship in the past and have had serious encounters with men before. So ironically, it's very difficult for me to trust men, but I can totally 100% trust him right now...the only issue is his lies about his past. I know, whole-heartedly that he'd never break our trust in any other way.

[Hollyj]

Yes, I have gay friends and so I appreciate there is a difference between gay and bisexual people. I think it's unfair to label him as gay just because he has had a relationship with a man before.

 

I am only focusing on the lies, and this is my issue with him. I want to forgive him so badly. I've never had a serious relationship in the past and have had serious encounters with men before. So ironically, it's very difficult for me to trust men, but I can totally 100% trust him right now...the only issue is his lies about his past. I know, whole-heartedly that he'd never break our trust in any other way.

 

But, he did not lie once, but MANY times.

 

I seriously question the lack of interest in sex. For me, these are indicators that he is trying to deny who he is.

[alibalibee]

He's only had a relationship with one man, whom he says was not frequently sexual...they never had anal sex and just fooled around occasionally. I believe him, as if that wasn't the case...why would he not be with men now? He was able to be openly gay for 4 years to many people, so I don't believe he had that much of an issue with it, he'd suddenly try to change his sexuality.

 

Ha, you are definitely heterosexual

[Hollyj]

How do you know that this is true/

[alibalibee]

Because it is probably one of the only things in this situation that makes sense

 

I would think that coming out as gay would be a really hard thing to do - he done it, and was openly gay for 4 years....until he realised that he was trying to label himself too much and that he couldn't brush his feelings for girls under the carpet anymore. If it was because he was too scared to be out as gay, then I'd be worried that was the case. But I can take comfort in knowing that if he was actually to be gay, he would be as he has no problem living that lifestyle...it just wasn't for him.

[sunnyhappydays]

He has proved one thing. He's a liar. Expect lies every time things get tough in your relationship. It won't stop. And deep deep down you won't be able to trust him.

 

Secondly, please elaborate on the sexual interest thing. He's not sexually turned on by women? But you think he isn't gay?

[FathomFear]

I'm going to respectfully disagree with most of the other posters in this thread, whom I'm under the impression are mostly straight women.

 

I'm going to be brutally honest here even if it ruffles a few feathers. The fact of the matter is that, in my experience, an overwhelming number of women get very, very freaked out if they learn that a guy they are interested in is anything less than 100% straight. It's just not regarded the same way as female bisexuality is. Women who confide in their boyfriends that they also have same-sex attractions tend to get a relatively reserved response. Heck, some even like it or are excited by it. By a guy who does the same thing? There's just way more skepticism around it, and he's often immediately labeled as gay or some sort of walking HIV time bomb. You've already seen evidence of that in some of the responses in this thead.

 

I mention this because I think this phenomenon is important context to your problem with your boyfriend. Sometimes people lie or don't pro-actively give details from their pasts because they're afraid of what kind of reaction they'll get, or they're afraid of being judged inappropriately. In this case, it's a safe bet that he didn't offer up details because he was afraid of how you'd react. I would say this is particularly true if you find that he's never lied or been "shady" about other things in the relationship. It's likely isolated to this one topic. And I know you might say "But I told him he could be honest with me!" The problem is that these are just words, and fact of that matter is that it's not easy to turn off the fear and anxiety associated with admitting to same-sex feelings. It's just very clear that he still struggles with that, and this issue is just another manifestation of that problem.

 

So what does this all mean? I'd say that 1) it's clear that he's still struggling with his sexuality and you'll likely continue to see conflict from him until he figures that out, 2) I don't know either of you personally, but I'm willing to be that he's not a compulsive liar as I explained above, and 3) ultimately it's not a good idea to prod for details about someone's past relationship. It's going to be an uncomfortable subject enough as it is--it's just made even more uncomfortable when the prior relationship with was someone of a completely different gender.

[FathomFear]

He admits to being attracted to men, he admits to having sex with many different guys, he admits to going to gay clubs and being in relationships with men for as long as 3.5 years and you don't define this as being gay?

 

Bisexual men are also attracted to men, have sex with guys, go to gay clubs, and engage in relationships with men. They do all of the things you listed. The difference is that they also have the propensity to be attracted to women, have sex with women, go to bars with women, and engage in relationships with women. Which is exactly the situation of the OP's boyfriend.

 

I only have sex with women, I've never had sex or had any sort of sex act with a guy nor am I attracted to guys, nor have I ever been in a relationship with a man or set foot inside a gay bar, so does that mean it's unfair to label me as a heterosexual?

 

Sexuality is not defined by behavior. It's defined by orientation. The OP's boyfriend claims to be attracted to both genders and has engaged in relationships with both. Whether or not he's being true to himself remains to be seen, but I have no idea why you're insisting that this guy must be gay. I mean, sure, it's a possibility--but bisexuals do exist and there's no reason to pretend that they don't.

[FathomFear]

I guess to me, if a guy has sex with another guy and he's into it, then he's gay. If he's also into women than he's gay AND he's a bisexual.

 

Huh? I don't understand the point in saying "He's gay and bisexual". The definition of bisexual means that you're attracted to both genders. Only that label really fits that scenario.

[abitbroken]

I went to school with a young woman who had a boyfriend in high school, and then came out as gay. She did have sex with men from time to time but identified as lesbian - to the point of wanting to exchange rings with a woman. Anyway, I caught up with her years later and she is deliriously happily married...to a man. She didn't marry young. She said that life before was before "she came to her senses." She thinks that she was confused, and attention seeking before. She did not meet this man and change - it was a longer process before him. They are best friends, etc, and while she can appreciate female beauty, is completely devoted to her guy.

 

But there were absolutely no secrets between the two. He was hesitant at first, but after going away for awhile and coming back early on in the relationship, he accepted her as she was. But then again, after that period of time, they officially were together and waited a number of years prior to marriage.

 

I think the difference is that you did not have the benefit of being able to decide and feel now that you have been sold a bill of goods. And the thing is - the young lady (okay, not THAT young now) came to a point where she didn't feel confused about who she wanted to be with and was not "experimenting" anymore - she had been there and did that.

 

I am not saying all lesbians are "just experimenting" - ditto gay men., That's not my point at all.

 

But if your boyfriend is still in the phase that he is not sure, etc, then, that would worry me. You deserve to have him at a point where he is sure, and you know for sure you aren't an exercise in "figuring himself out".

 

I think it is possible he could be totallt devoted to you, and be your best friend, but if I were you, i would sit and wonder what happens years down the road. While the marriage i outlined above is successful, i knew a gay man that was married and had to break his marriage because he just couldn't live a lie.

 

So either love him the way he is but have a cautious eye out for a while or break it off. But he must not keep anything else from you for this to be a go.

 

btw, it doesn't matter of "society" accepts bi women more - it is about your life and your relationship.

[Betweenthebars]

This. I agree whole heartedly with every word you wrote.

 

Truth be told, it's a bit irritating to me that women who are attracted to both genders are easily accepted as bi, but men attracted to both genders are "gay but confused" or "gay and can't admit it".

 

I think OP needs to demonstrate clearly to her lover that she has no qualms about his sexual history or current sexual orientation, it's just that the frequent lying regarding those topics bothers her. I'm not sure what she can do though to make him believe those words, though. Some men are very guarded with things like this, and for good reason - some people react very harshly.