I feel like we are growing apart and I don't know what to do!

[Madamdiva007]

Hey guys,

I would really appreciate any and all advice I can get. Lately, I have been feeling like my BF and I have been growing apart and I don't know what I can do to get us back on track. I honestly think a lot of it is just me projecting, I think he feels like everything is perfectly fine between us. But for some reason I just feel this "distance" between us. We have had times like this in the past, and things have always gotten better, we've become very close again. So I'm wondering if maybe we are just going through our "off" time again, and things will go back to normal sometime soon. I know people in relationships have a tendency to grow apart and become very close throughout the course of the relationship and that that is normal. So maybe this is all just me?

 

I'm also wondering how I can regain some control in the relationship again. I don't mean control in a sense of me running everything, but lately I feel like everything is on his terms, and everything I do in the relationship is for him, and based on what he wants. I hope what I'm trying to say makes sense... I'll try to elaborate if it doesn't. Thanks in advance you guys!

[Fudgie]

Why, exactly, do you feel like you're growing apart?

[Madamdiva007]

I honestly can't put my finger on it exactly. It's just this feeling that I have. That's why I wonder if maybe I'm just projecting or something. He doesn't seem as enthusiastic to see me. At least it feels that way sometimes. But, that could of course be me being insecure as always. Things almost feel forced, I have to put effort and work into it. It's just this lingering feeling that I have...

[Madamdiva007]

It doesn't feel as smooth, comfortable, or natural as it did before.

[mhowe]

sorry -- there isn't enough information for anyone to say anything: some examples, your age, how long you've been together.....anything.

[Fudgie]

Madam,

 

I know you've posted about this issue in the past, through your relationship with him. I also know that your guy is considerably older than you. Which I totally get, as I've been in age gap relationships before.

 

If you are STILL feeling this way, I'm inclined to believe that you two are just not compatible. It sounds like this is the way he's always been...more low-key, more subdued. My older boyfriend was this way too. Of course, I was cool with that so no problem. It sounds like (from previous posts) that he still cares about you and wants to be with you. But maybe he's not giving you what you need in terms of attention and affection.

 

If this is the case, there is no "wrong" party here. You simply may be incompatible.

[Madamdiva007]

sorry -- there isn't enough information for anyone to say anything: some examples, your age, how long you've been together.....anything.

 

Sorry, he is 41, I am 22. Been dating for about 15 1/2 months. It's hard to give examples of the distance thing, it's more of just a feeling I have.

 

As for the control thing, sex is pretty much on his terms. He doesn't want to have sex as much as me, so I of course I have it with him whenever he wants. It's exactly the same way every time, I've told him while we're doing it I want to try something else, but he doesn't really listen. I also feel like I'm constantly showering him with compliments and affection, but not getting so much in return. He's very sweet to me, tells me he loves me and things like that. But it seems like he goes through phases where he is telling me I'm his everything and the love of his life, I'm the best gf he's had, basically saying things to give me that reassurance I want.

[Madamdiva007]

If you think something is wrong then it probably is.

 

If he's calling all the shots and everything is on his terms well that needs to change pronto.

 

How do you do this?

 

Best way- communicate your concerns.

 

If that doesn't work - you must pull back from him. If he then tries to appease you well then it's all good. If he doesn't chase you then there are serious problems here.

 

What is the appropriate way to pull back though? I'm so afraid that if I do that it's going to push him away, he's going to think I don't love him anymore or something and he's gonna find someone else, because I've changed (ridiculous I know, but it's an honest worry).

[Madamdiva007]

Madam,

 

I know you've posted about this issue in the past, through your relationship with him. I also know that your guy is considerably older than you. Which I totally get, as I've been in age gap relationships before.

 

If you are STILL feeling this way, I'm inclined to believe that you two are just not compatible. It sounds like this is the way he's always been...more low-key, more subdued. My older boyfriend was this way too. Of course, I was cool with that so no problem. It sounds like (from previous posts) that he still cares about you and wants to be with you. But maybe he's not giving you what you need in terms of attention and affection.

 

If this is the case, there is no "wrong" party here. You simply may be incompatible.

 

Thank you for your response, Fudgie. I know what you're talking about, I have posted about this before. But up until recently, things had been FANTASTIC between us. We had our rough days and eveything, but he was so much more attentive and affectionate than in the past, much more reassuring and he made me feel pretty secure. I love this man so much and I so want this relationship to work out. We really seem to mesh well.