Religion, Unevenly yoked, a problem?

[sjjohnson89]

Im currently in a long distance relationship, i am not religious though i do believe in more than there is in life. Though, she is religious and lately we've had discussions on this and the potential conflicts in our future. I dont have a problem at all with her being religious, thus far she doesnt have a problem as such with me not being religious. We arent letting this clashing of views get in our way but i hear so often about such relationships breaking down as religion is not just about views but a way of life. I dont really fear as such that happening with our current relationship but it doesnt stop me from thinking about it every now and then, the further we go into our relationship, the more of an impact this clash of views will have and im fully aware of this.

 

The reason ive put up this thread is to see if anyone has had similar experiences and maybe could share thoughts, anyone's viewpoint would be appreciated as i like to hear all sides of a the story.

[Fudgie]

Are you planning on children? How does she want her potential future kids to be raised?

 

I think if two people have RADICALLY different beliefs, the relationship will fall apart on its own but that's just my observation. If she is just mildly religious and you're not a "militant atheist" you should be fine.

 

I've dated Christians and will not do that again. I am not religious and therefore, I seek out people who are not religious as well, not "mildly" religious. As soon as I find out that someone is Christian/Jewish/whatever, I don't consider them a good match for me and will not date them.

[RitaTrue]

Are you planning on children? How does she want her potential future kids to be raised?

 

I think if two people have RADICALLY different beliefs, the relationship will fall apart on its own but that's just my observation.

 

I agree 100% with this.

 

If you want a short-term relationship, fine. If you want a long-term relationship, where you're content with just being together, child-free (some couples too), you'll encounter some conflicts because of your spiritual beliefs, but it COULD be workable with a lot of compromise.

 

However, if you're planning on marrying and having kids--Forget it! It's asking for divorce.

[jaysmaury]

I hate how people get caught up in the rituals and traditions of any given religion or try to force it down you're throat. "One love" right? Who cares how someone prays or where they spend their Sunday mornings, so long as we can respect and embrace? When they live their religion and are constantly preaching or constantly reinforcing a religious culture that forces out non-likeminded people then they are practicing a form of intolerance in my opinion. As far as relationships go, it is whatever one is comfortable with.

[RitaTrue]

I hate how people get caught up in the rituals and traditions of any given religion or try to force it down you're throat. "One love" right? Who cares how someone prays or where they spend their Sunday mornings, so long as we can respect and embrace? When they live their religion and are constantly preaching or constantly reinforcing a religious culture that forces out non-likeminded people then they are practicing a form of intolerance in my opinion. As far as relationships go, it is whatever one is comfortable with.

 

That sounds fine. But in application--if there's children involved--it will crash and fail.

 

Granted, the OP hasnt said what he wants for the relationship. But, if he and his girlfriend are thinking about raising a family, perhaps, then they need to seriously think about application. Because your beliefs, or the lack thereof for some people, is intertwined with how you teach your kids about morality, worldview, identity, relating to others, facing conflict, to name a few.

 

Glazing it over with "well, let's just love, and let love" is fine, if its just the both of you. And you're tolerant. But if you're in an unequally yoked relationship, and planning on having kids, I'd urge you to reconsider.

[agent1607307371]

Mod Note: Stay on topic of relationships and avoid posting religious debate.

[Seraphim]

My in-laws have been married for 53 years and my mother-in-law is religious and my father-in-law is not.Before they had children they decided their children would be raised in a religious context and my father-in-law did not care if they were. She does not bother him with religion and he does not bother her for having one. I have known them for 23 years and I have never seen them have an squabble about this situation even remotely. They seem to have made it work because neither was interested in forcing their views on the other. My in-laws also felt it was not worth it to lose each other for different beliefs and wanting to raise children in different beliefs. They just do not bother each other about it, at all.

[doiiiieeezie]

Years ago, I was involved in a church that to this day, enforces the no association with anyone that unequally yoked, and the clashes in terms of faith can get in the way if you are interested in someone who does not want to get involved with anyone religious. In those cases, the essential issues such as raising children will have to be addressed. However, if you can equally respect each others beliefs and have a common conclusion towards the subject, then I don't see how this will be a major issue. Take one step at a time.

[sjjohnson89]

We are not planning on having kids right now, that would be irresponsible given that we are currently long distance. Even if we werent its too early for such a thing. But, i really care for her and i know she does me, when we are no longer apart and say, 5+ years down the line yes i can see us having children. We have talked about our future, though, talking deeply on the subject of our core difference is proving hard because she starts to freeze. That is something we are working on, i am getting her to stop closing as much recently.

 

I think, as in us, we will be able to work through our differences without making it a huge obstacle. She is strongly religious, but, im not anti religious i just dont have faith in something i havent experienced myself, therefore i have my own views and ideas taking into account science. Sometimes it feels like im banging my head agaisnt a wall when i try to understand how she gets to a certain point of view, but, honestly, i have no problem with her being religious i just like to understand things. Im just going to have to face that we have a different mentality therefore i cant always put myself in her shoes with some of her views.

 

Back on to the idea of having children. Yes, if we stay together we will inevitably have kids, as some posters have stated this could be where our true problems rise. We would have to come to a compromise, compromise being the key element here if we are to work. I wouldnt have an issue if my kids grow up being religious, or if they grow up not being religious. All i want them to do is grow up with their own views that they have come to conclusions by themselves by asking questions and finding answers that feel right to them. I wouldn't want them to be force fed religion, nor do i want them to be diverted from it based on outside influences.

[Fudgie]

You have just illustrated why I won't date religious people: difference in PoV.

 

The kids issue I do believe may become an issue in the future. But the PoV thing is something that may be an issue now. It's one thing to be like "hey we are on different pages, that is okay" but if you're BANGING YOUR HEAD trying to understand where she is coming from, I foresee a lot of problems in the future in terms of you being on the same page and resolving conflict.

 

Also, if she's STRONGLY religious, I don't think your kids are going to grow up and are going to be allowed to draw their own conclusions. I can almost guarantee you, she wont' allow it. If she was moderately religious (I grew up in a VERY liberal, moderate Christian environment) then yeah, she'd be more likely to let them as she would be more lax about it. And that's cool. But most strongly religious people indoctrinate their kids and have trouble seeing things from another PoV. Likely, she will want your children to be strongly religious as well. How do you feel about that?

[sjjohnson89]

She is strongly religious, but, something that i liked about her from the beginning was her ability to accept and listen to my difference in opinion. As people, in many ways we are so similar especially emotionally, we mostly often find ourselves on the same page that its a shock when we dont lol. But, our mentality is different yes, outside or religion our mentality is different, but, we listen to each other and that is rare. When i say i feel sometimes like im 'banging my head against a wall' its not because she is religious but rather i like to try and understand that which means something to me, she means a lot to me and i want to at least understand where she is coming from. I see her steps but i dont see how she can draw her conclusions, this is why i dont think i will ever be able to understand it, its just a different mentality.

 

Well, with what we have talked about up to this point she seems more 'lax' than you might think. But, she is very passionate about her faith, her beliefs and i know there is no way she wont have an influence over our kids. She wants to take them to church which i dont have any issue with at all, i guess my worry is that kids are blank slates in many ways and can be manipulated, gain beliefs based on their environment, rather than what they have found actually to be their truth. if you spend all your days from a child around christian people, you will most likely turn out christian. A mentality sometimes found within religion is faith without question, she does question though which is good but it would be kind of heartbreaking fro me if my kids grew up not questioning things. She obviously has preference if you liek to her kids being religious but she has stated to me that if they choose to no be religious she is ok with that.

[Fudgie]

Part of being very religious is that you have that "faith without question". If you two agree to NOT have your kids believe that and grow up with that, maybe that would be better? I was alawys taught to question EVERYTHING. I left the church as soon as confirmation time came around and I never looked back. I think my father influenced me. If my parents were truly "strongly" religious, that probably wouldn't have happened because they would be influencing my thoughts on this.

 

I think you have as good a shot as every other "unevenly yoked" couple. will it work out? Will it fail? I have no clue. I still stand by my predictions though. If she is the best one for you, though, well, I wish you the best and good luck.

[sjjohnson89]

Part of being very religious is that you have that "faith without question". If you two agree to NOT have your kids believe that and grow up with that, maybe that would be better? I was alawys taught to question EVERYTHING. I left the church as soon as confirmation time came around and I never looked back. I think my father influenced me. If my parents were truly "strongly" religious, that probably wouldn't have happened because they would be influencing my thoughts on this.

 

I think you have as good a shot as every other "unevenly yoked" couple. will it work out? Will it fail? I have no clue. I still stand by my predictions though. If she is the best one for you, though, well, I wish you the best and good luck.

 

Time will reveal whether we can make this work, for the moment it all feels right despite any differences in opinion. She is strongly relgious, but, she does actually question things still but, in some areas she doesnt, well not like i would anyways. She seems to agree with me that if we have kids we should bring them up without forcing them into anything, letting them choose for themselves. I think in many cases an unevenly yoked relationship wouldnt work out, but we connected very deeply before we really were fully aware of each others beliefs, i know at least on my side i have lost no connection or longing to make this work out. I hope we can make it work, though i know there will be challenges and the test will be how much we can compromise to move forward.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Sjjohnson,

You seem to have a good view on this.

You said you don't have any problem with her views.

Good you're not an anti-religious zealot.

Most people of faith (not all) don't go overboard and try to intimidate those that aren't at "their level." So nothing to be scared of there.

 

You are weary of the "unequally yoked" aspect, but many couples have that and enjoy productive relationships.

A couple wife & are close to are like that, one is a believer, the other not so much.

Have never seen them disagree publicly about religious matters and the wife attends church.

 

As faith is important to her, don't try to keep her from practising her faith (i.e. attending services). That wouldn't be fair to her just like if she came down on you for your beliefs and tried to stop you from exercising or voicing them.

 

Just like children. If one spouse really wants them, the other, IMO, shouldn't block that desire as that's what marriage is for.

Attend services with her (many non-believing spouses do). It can't hurt you.

Will give you some inside info. on church attendance

Many who go do so for "social" reasons, or their spouse wants to go....

 

 

Was once "more into" my faith in my early 20s but didn't really care as much in my 30s when I met my future wife.

Goin' at life alone for so long tends to change a person...

We went to her church and later married there. I wasn't of her Christian denomination, but didn't oppose it. Since then, have "come back" to faith.

 

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Good to hear you're dating. Recall your postings in the virginity threads and threads I posted on in trying to help shy guys get dates.

Would like to ask you about that topic but not sure if this is the right place... Maybe better in a PM...

 

 

On your profile pic, that's a good pic. Don't recall seeing a pic in the past.