Please take the time to read this .... I need advice.

[digdug]

I've searched and searched for advice on a topic similar to mine and I can't find one. I'm not looking for the miracle cure, just some advice. So, here it goes.

 

I am in the process of a divorce. The dissolution papers are filed, and waiting on a signature. Although we have reached an agreement on the dissolution, my soon to be ex has been nasty, and borderline stalker. Here is why.

 

Our marriage had been over for a while. I tried and tried to save the marriage, to the point that I changes to many things about myself to make it work. I have two boys, 4 and 7 who are the worold to me. The thought of moving on killed me. However, after spending countless evenings in the basement after everyone had gone to sleep, I realized the only way to show my boys true happiness was to move on. I moved out this past March and started my road to recovery. I felt as though I was getting myself back, and was really happy.

 

I became friends with a wonderful woman and we soon went on a date after. We hit off amazingly, however about a week into it she called me to cut it off. I reached out to her, and spoke to her about how I felt I was ready for a commitment. She bought into it, knowing what lie ahead and assured me she was it it, completely. She was hesitant because she has just come out of another relationship with a man, who was also in the process of a divorce, however he never followed through. She was damaged by her willingness to commit, and his obvious reluctance.

 

About two months in she confessed her love for me. Everything was great, and I expressed my love for her as well. I had not planned on saying anything to her on these lines, because of my situation, but I did nonetheless. From that moment on we were inseparable.

 

In the 3 months that have followed we've had three pretty major disagreements. The first time, I was internalizing a lot of my frustration with my divorce. My ex found out about my girlfriend and hounded me with texts and phone calls. To this day she is convinced that I was dating this woman before I left the house, which is not true. I left the house with a clear mind, knowing I had tried everything to make it work. My girlfriend was frustrated with my lack of openness and felt I was trying to push her away, and perhaps I was. Perhaps I wasn't as ready as I thought I was. We talked through this issue and I agreed to be more open with her. Now, I'm wondering if I was too open. I shared everything with her, thinking that she wanted to know. I was open and honest about the progress of the divorce, and felt she wanted to be with me through this. She has been through her own divorce, and I used her as a way to make my way through this.

 

The second argument was about pretty much the same thing. I am dealing with a lot. My ex and I still have our old house, but have moved out. Selling it has proved to be very difficult, and we have agreed to walk away. It's the only way we can move forward. However, the venom from my ex continued, and I could tell it was beginning to effect my girlfriend. I felt in only fair to stop giving her the play by play and only talk to her when my ex's actions were getting to me. In retrospect I wonder if that was even the right thing to do.

 

A week and a half ago I went up to meet my girlfriend and some of her friends at a cabin. I had had a particularly bad morning before leaving as I my ex was still sending me nasty texts. Some other things had happened that morning and really got my day off to a bad start. When I left home, for the drive to meet her, I was not of sound mind, and upon arriving found myself in a big funk. I took it out on her. As we walked through this wonderful art show, I barely spoke to her. The evening prior she had gone to a bar with her friends, and I was not able to contact her. I was upset because I felt she had "tabled" me to have a good time. I was feeling sorry for myself because I was letting all of this get to me, and when she wasn't there to cheer me up, as she had been, I wrongly took it out on her. That evening, after almost 4 hours of me not talking to her, and her friends noticing, she had had enough. I STILL tried to bend it, making it sound like she hadn't been there for me, and she LOST it on me. I don't blame her, not one bit.

 

I begged her to give me another chance. I told her I knew I needed to make myself happy, but the pressures of this divorce were causing me to rely on others, including my boys, for my happiness, instead of taking responsibility of my actions. I UNDERSTOOD what I did wrong, and committed to make it right. She agreed to give me another chance.

 

Over the past week and a half I have felt great. I had mornings where I woke up sad, but quickly turned myself around. I felt as though I was doing what I set out to do. However, over the past week and a half I could feel her drifting away. She stopped saying I love you when getting off the phone, and her affection dwindled. She used to send random texts during the day, and I stopped getting those. We were intimate about a week ago, and it was fabulous as always. I thought we were getting back on track. I didn't push, not even the intimacy, but let it be instigated by her. I tried in every way to show her the real me.

 

Last night, I asked her how we were doing and got the dreaded pause. I asked her if she needed some space, and after a bit she said yes. She said she was overwhelmed, which I understand. She has a 12 year old daughter with whom she adores. She also has a 15 year old son, and a 10 year old. They are all wonderful, and I love them as if they were my own. However her ex is remarried, and her daughter seems to be getting closer to her step mom. She apparently behaves better for her, and this has placed a lot of weight on my girlfriend. My girlfriend is also trying to start her own business. Money is tight for her (I just loaned her $350 to help get her on her feet). She is into painting furniture, cabinets, and other really cool things. She has started dismantling her home to redo everything .... in other words, she has a lot going on. Throw on top of that, my issues, and I think it's too much.

 

What troubles me is that she said that she isn't sure she loves me anymore. She's not sure this is what she wants, and that she has already been through her divorce and she is tired of suffering through others. But even when I noticed her pulling away, she still stole moments to come up behind me, hug me, and kiss me on the neck. We held hands while watching tv .... so although there was a definitive drop off in affection, I felt she was still trying. She said last night she was seeing if she could get that feeling back, and I'm not sure what that means. I feel as though she wants this, but has put up this wall to protect herself. I almost wonder if she's trying to convince herself she doesn't love me, or need me, because she's not sure that the man she is seeing now is truly me, or if it as I say it is. I guess I'm still off, and understand that I need stand alone through this, to get my feet about me. I know she's really confused and overwhelmed.

 

I know I want this, but I'm realistic to know that a break can only help. It will allow me to finalize my divorce so that I can move on, I can heal. But I am committed to my girlfriend if she'll have me. I know that she has issues to get through too, and I need to give her space. But, when we hung up the phone last night I couldn't put my finger on if it was over, or this was just a break. She kept saying she was sorry, but she was confused, and as I said, I understand ... totally. I will give her the space she needs, but it's so hard. I know I have things I need to work on as well.

 

So, I guess I've answered my question. I need to move on, get myself together, and hope that over time I can become her friend again. Hopefully I can show her the real me, and hopefully she will learn to love me again .... does this happen.

 

Sorry this is so long, but if feels so good just to say something. I'd appreciate any words of encouragement or advice anyone might have.

 

Thank you.

[mhowe]

You're doing the right thing -- letting go with love. Due to all the stress of the divorce, and dealing with your ex, as well as trying to be a good dad and a good boyfriend ---- it's hard to stay on an even keel. And blended "families" add a whole other dimension. Your gf is acting as though this is all about just the two of you, but I would think, in her heart of hearts, she "knows" that you are just walking out of a marriage.

 

So, give her the time and space to miss you. Keep getting your stuff back together. She hasn't fallen out of love with you --- she just can't reconcile all of the parts yet. Don't play the NC/LC alphabet game -- no games --- just take time to pull it all together and get your feet under you. Give her space to do the same.

[snippot]

Hey there, that is quite a story. I can see why you had trouble finding one like it. It has many many facets. Years back I was in a similar situation, going through a divorce and dating someone new. I was completely over my ex, however the new person, as much as they want to support you, really does not need to hear about the gritty details day in and day out. Once could imagine that would get old. On top of that, your GF may be feeling like she is your support system for this divorce....You as the man, should be that for her, but it does not necessarily make you attractive to lean on her too much. One thing that jumped out at me reading your story. You said the week where things were back on track and were good with GF, you had morning where you woke up sad..... were you sad about the divorce and your ex? If so, it is really hard to hide those feelings, a new person can pick up pretty easily that you are struggling with previous baggage.

IMO, you need to get the divorce behind you. For now let the GF go. If you are questioning whether things are over after the last conversation, then they are....dont ruminate on that and keep yourself wondering.

Letting the GF go does not mean its over for good. Once you are on your feet solid, it sounds like the 2 of you could have a great relationship.

Good luck... Ive been through divorce twice, and it not only gets better, it is a great time to improve yourself.

[mhowe]

yeah -- agree w/ myself and ^^^^. I got caught up w/ something at work but wanted to add:

 

We (women) want to be there for our guys -- friend, lover, support.....but we really, really don't want to be your therapist!!! Save that for your sister, or your buds, or even a real, honest to god therapist ---

[digdug]

Thank you all for responding. This has been such a painful couple of days. I keep thinking of her telling me she wasn't sure if she still loved me, and how she believes that it is possible to fall out of love as easy as it is to fall in love. It almost felt like she was telling me she didn't love me anymore, and yet, her actions were different. I honestly don't think she is playing games, she isn't the type. I truly believes she wants to love me and was trying to find that fire again, but due to all that I'm going through, and the uncertainty of my moods, she honestly doesn't know WHO she's in love with. Is it the great, care free, caring, and funny guy she started dating, or is it the uptight, upset, worrisome guy she see's now? I think that question is what has caused this wall to go up, and as I mentioned, I don't blame her one bit.

 

I've decided to join a church divorce group. I think it will help me to gain strength, and move on. I had "me" back just a few short months ago and don't feel it will take long to find him again. My girlfriend helped take that growing period away by providing me with a soft landing, a way out, and a way to keep me from facing this alone, and growing from it. I see how independent she is, how she's not afraid to be alone, and know she developed that by going through her own divorce. Now, instead of admiring her for it, I want to work towards that, and feel that same empowerment. I want her to see the confident man I used to be. I want her to see the humorous side. I feel as though we were meant together, but I can't expect her to want three different versions of me.

 

Thank you again everyone. Your comments give me strength in knowing this is for the best. I can only hope that she is working as hard as I am to find her center. If she is, I feel I having a shot at saving this at some point down the road.

[snippot]

Good luck to you. Sounds like you have a good perspective on your latest relationship. That will serve you well for any potential reconcilliation down the road once you are ready. She sounds like a good girl.

[digdug]

Thank you. I feel pretty good today, but have had bouts of sadness. To be expected I suppose. All I can do is concentrate on myself, and being the best person I can be. Today I funneled all my energy into working on my business and spending time with my boys when the came home. I spent some of the day looking for a church to attend, as I have not been too good in that area. I am not a hugely religious person, but I prayed for strength yesterday, and found that I slept well, and woke up feeling pretty good. I feel so much better then yesterday and find that most of my thoughts of my GF are fond ones. I'm still worried about what lie ahead for us, but won't act until I feel ready. I wonder if she's missing me .....

[snippot]

I assure you she is. But at the same time, missing you is not the same as wanting to reconcile.... so try not to think about that too much. Keep on doing what you are doing for yourself....it wont happen overnight, but it sounds like you are way ahead of the game with the outlook you have.

[mhowe]

She hasn't forgotten you, but as you say -- it can be very tiring trying to figure out which one of your personalities is coming through the door. I don't think you fall out of love as fast as you fall into it --- and I don't think 2 mature adults w/ kids fall either way very quickly --- you have too much other stuff going on in your lives. Find your center, and strive to move forward everyday. The rest will come, when you let it....

[digdug]

I assure you she is. But at the same time, missing you is not the same as wanting to reconcile.... so try not to think about that too much. Keep on doing what you are doing for yourself....it wont happen overnight, but it sounds like you are way ahead of the game with the outlook you have.

 

Thank you .... today has not been as good as yesterday. I have moments when I feel pretty good, and then all of sudden tears .... I'm just missing her. Not in a "got to have her back" kind of way, but because I love her. I'm disappointed I made her sad and caused her to question me. Such a great person, I don't want her to question her ability to pick men, it was just crappy timing.

[digdug]

She hasn't forgotten you, but as you say -- it can be very tiring trying to figure out which one of your personalities is coming through the door. I don't think you fall out of love as fast as you fall into it --- and I don't think 2 mature adults w/ kids fall either way very quickly --- you have too much other stuff going on in your lives. Find your center, and strive to move forward everyday. The rest will come, when you let it....

 

I feel that way too. Emotionally, the bar gets raised so much higher when children are involved. Her children loved me as much as I love them. My children were the same. I think she knows the stakes with which we were dealing. I've heard a lot of women go through a "is this really the person I want to spend the rest of my life with?) phase, and I have to say, if I crossed that stage dealing with what she was dealing with, I TOTALLY understand how right now that answer would be no, and would lead to questioning of whether you truly love that person anymore. She did mention to me that the thought of marrying me scared the hell out of her, and that this wasn't how she wanted the rest of her life to be. I get it ... all of it. She said she tried to get the feeling back but felt herself drifting away further. Since I was shuffling between old me and new me, I get that too. I asked to much of a special person. It's my turn to make myself right.