I'm not huggy

[annony]

I'm not huggy. I don't like too many hugs. I don't like hugs from anyone other than my kids and my bf.

I don't like hugs from friends.

Well, sort of...

I like that my friends want to hug me. I appreciate the gesture, but I just can't help the awkward look of panic that I get every time someone hugs me.

I know this makes people uncomfortable and I try not to do it, but I seem to anyway.

I was physically and emotionally abused as a child and forms of affection that come naturally for others, don't for me. I'm not scared of hugs, I just don't know how to receive one.

When I lived in the Southern US, I lived in a small town where I was the only person with a different accent. My then bf's family just figured it was a Canadian thing and although that wasn't true, it's not a Canadian thing, it's a "me" thing, it was easier for them to believe it was a cultural difference so there were no hard feelings.

Now I'm settling in in my home town, I have no BS to hide behind regarding my fear of hugging. The new Canadian BF's mom is my biggest nightmare.

I like her, she seems to like me, but she's soooo affectionate. I find myself stressing out when I know I'm about to see her because of all the affection that just makes my skin crawl. On top of this, I don't want to hurt her feelings if I refuse, or awkwardly accept her hugs. I feel like I can't win when a hug comes at me. KWIM?

What do I do? Is there a way to politely refuse a hug? If not, how does one learn to like hugs?

[Oneironaut]

I don't know of any polite way to refuse a hug, to be honest. I'm the same way, and I've thought about this on and off for years...when someone goes to hug you, short of pushing them away, there's really nothing that you can say or do.

 

Sadly, there are things in life we simply have to endure, no matter how much we dislike them. For me, hugging is one of them, also. I just grit my teeth, make it as short as possible, and try to remember that they mean well.

[In the Dark]

I'd say bear it.

A hug lasts only a few seconds of awkwardness.

Yes awkwardness for some people like yourself and I when it comes to people who are just friends.

 

My family has never been the hugging type so when someone hugs me it is too much in most cases.

 

I leaned to accept hugs from partners and their immediate families over the years though.

[annony]

They can tell that it's awkward though. I do try and bear it. I'm doing it wrong...

I'm not fooling anyone, not even if I try.

[In the Dark]

Lol sometimes they don't care that you feel uncomfortable with hugging, thinking that you will become accustomed to it, because their intentions of hugging is good.

[annony]

Well here's the specific incident that restarted my hugging worries...

I ran into a close friend of my sister while I was out running errands. My sister wasn't with either of us, and we are basically just acquaintances.

I said "Hey! How's it going?" in as cheery a voice as I could muster, which then prompted her to bowl me over with a hug. I tried my best to reciprocate her hug to minimize the awkwardness, but really, I don't even hug my sister, so a hug from my sisters friend was unexpected.

I thought that I might have gotten away with it, I was kinda proud of myself for my improv hugging skills.

Later that day my sister phoned me giggling.

"I hear you ran into so-and-so."

"Yeah, a couple hours ago."

"She asked me why you didn't like her hug."

"Oh...crap..."

[greywolf]

Reminds me of this one time a good friend of mine told me he was moving away and I was likely never going to see him again any time soon, and he raised his arms up, and I got confused and wasn't sure what he was doing, so I stood there staring at him, and he said something like, "You're going to leave me hanging and not hug me? Awkward..." I felt bad.

 

Since then I have become more comfortable with physical contact with other people, and hugging people that initiate a hug doesn't bother me, but I'm not a hugger myself. Getting comfortable hugging people came around the same time that I started getting comfortable with myself and being more comfortable with allowing myself to be vulnerable.

[greywolf]

Well here's the specific incident that restarted my hugging worries...

I ran into a close friend of my sister while I was out running errands. My sister wasn't with either of us, and we are basically just acquaintances.

I said "Hey! How's it going?" in as cheery a voice as I could muster, which then prompted her to bowl me over with a hug. I tried my best to reciprocate her hug to minimize the awkwardness, but really, I don't even hug my sister, so a hug from my sisters friend was unexpected.

I thought that I might have gotten away with it, I was kinda proud of myself for my improv hugging skills.

Later that day my sister phoned me giggling.

"I hear you ran into so-and-so."

"Yeah, a couple hours ago."

"She asked me why you didn't like her hug."

"Oh...crap..."

 

If it was someone I didn't know well, I would probably be a little weird about that as well. But I don't know a lot of huggers, and the majority of huggers in my life are guys and I feel more comfortable with that.

[petite]

I think in some situations you just might have to bear it, like with your sisters friend. When it comes to your boyfriends mother you can either bear it or he can tell her that you aren't a huggy person so when you do see each other it isn't awkward.

I think she might understand it if it comes from him.

 

I have friends that aren't very huggy so I keep that space because I don't want to overstep, but I'm naturally huggy and sometimes we can forget that others don't necessarily feel comfortable. My grandmother dislikes hugs and any sort of affection, even though in the Italian culture its almost expected to be huggy-kissy. She just tells people she doesn't like it so they don't bother anymore. I realize your situation is different but you aren't alone, so don't feel bad, there are many other people who aren't huggy and that's okay