lostNnotfound Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Hey Everyone, This will probably be a long read for some, but I would certainly appreciate it if you could read the whole story, and give me some direction on where I can go from here. I am 25 so is my girlfriend (FYI) I was with my ex for four and a half years, we were engaged planning a wedding and owned our townhouse had the date for the wedding picked (10.10.10) In September of 2009 I called the relationship off. It was nothing to do with "commitment issues" or anything of that sort, she was just the not person that I fell in love with. I started making a lot more money, and it became all about status and money for her. I being nothing like that decided that it was an unhealthy relationship and path I didn't want to go down. I then began talking to my elementary school crush from K-4 on Facebook, we exchanged numbers and began talking quite a bit. Once my ex was gone and out of the house we then started meeting/dating. Obviously like any new relationship I though i was the luckiest guy going form something so bad and horrible to some one so great. We communicated like I had never talked to someone in any relationship the way I could talk to her. We have been together now for two years. About sixteen months ago we moved in together. I had a job opportunity that came available to move 4 hours away from all of our friends and family (this is where she wanted to move to before the job opportunity came up) so we both moved up here, have been up here for 10 months on our own with family visiting every few months either them coming up here or us going down there. Now as far as our relationship we have had a few differences that we have worked through, and as a whole we are both extremely happy the way it is, or so I thought. I love her and care for her a great deal. But this is where it gets confusing. I am having troubles seeing or being excited to see the though of proposing and getting married taking that ever so important next step. If I had to lay out the qualities of a perfect partner, and someone that I would want to grow old with and have kids with it would be my girlfriend i am with now down to a T. But i can't get past the feeling of that next step and me saying I want to take it but not actually taking it. I feel as though i am extremely committed to her now, we made that move away from our families and are living together. I am happy with that, she is not she wants the next step and thats where we are on two different pages. I feel as though I love her and I am happy with the relationship the way it is, but of course its unfair of me to "string her along" I just want to be as fair to her as I can be, figure out why i am having problems with proposing. Should I be ready after two years I think so, why am I not? The though of loosing her makes me sad and afraid, afraid that for some reason I just can't get there to the next step and I am going to loose it all because of that. I could be making the mistake of my life only to realize down the road that time made me ready and that she is the one that I do want to marry etc. Also I do not want to be single, I do not want to date other people, none of that nonsense is making any of this harder for me. I love her and i am so happy right now and I thought that was good enough? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princess123 Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 How long did it take you to propose last time? I understand that you may feel this way because you don't want to propose to every long term relationship partner. With your past experience you may want to date her longer or feel you need to date a little longer to feel more comfortable with the idea of it. The last time you got burned it was a 4 1/2 year relationship so you may just be reflecting on the time span of how things work. If your not ready for marriage your simply not ready. With a good relationship that is loving I'm sure expressing that won't scare the person off. As long as you are in a mindset that you will one day want to marry her. You sound very mature for a 25 year old btw. I think you know what your doing and you will make a wise decision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fiasco128 Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 I understand that you may feel this way because you don't want to propose to every long term relationship partner Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meoww Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 perhaps it would have been wise to take some time off of relationships in between your 4 year one and the one you are in now. Taking time off was the best thing I ever did. I used to have issues with commitment but now I have very different expectations of LTRs. You realize you have something special, but it's a challenge to feel confident that you'll be in love with someone forever or that you can create a fulfilling life together when a lifetime is so long. I think this partially stems from the false feelings of security that come from always being in a relationship. I appreciate my partners so much more now. If you're not ready, you're not ready, no matter how wonderful the other person is. I think sometimes we underestimate the importance of timing in relationships. There is a lot at stake, being at a place in your life where you can handle relationship duties-financially, emotionally, etc, and finding someone else who you love and feels the same way. It's a wonder any of us make it at all. So keep that all in mind : ) You're 25, it's time to start making decisions for the long haul. I can relate! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostNnotfound Posted September 24, 2011 Author Share Posted September 24, 2011 How long did it take you to propose last time? I understand that you may feel this way because you don't want to propose to every long term relationship partner. With your past experience you may want to date her longer or feel you need to date a little longer to feel more comfortable with the idea of it. The last time you got burned it was a 4 1/2 year relationship so you may just be reflecting on the time span of how things work. If your not ready for marriage your simply not ready. With a good relationship that is loving I'm sure expressing that won't scare the person off. As long as you are in a mindset that you will one day want to marry her. You sound very mature for a 25 year old btw. I think you know what your doing and you will make a wise decision. In my past relationship I didn't second guess a thing, Proposing was something I wanted to do whole heart-idly and it was just under two years. I feel as though I am ready to be married/engaged I am just not sure I can get there with my current partner. We have talked and talked and what we have come to conclusions of is that we are just going to take it as it comes. I just have a problem feeling unfair if I never get "ready" to propose to her, she is a wonderful girl and a wonderful partner. I am just trying to be fair to the both of us. To Meoww's response. I agree with you I should have taken time after my ex and I split, timing is everything I was just coming out of a very very bad relationship, but my current partner walked into my life and was a wonderful change to the norm. I can commit, I just don't know what the future holds for us. I am so confused, please more people chime in with thoughts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digdug Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 I think that since you came out of a bad relationship, one in which you were engaged, that perhaps you needed that time to at least heal. Yes, you did call it off, and had the frame of mind that couldn't go through with it with her, but you still need that time to get it out of your system. It's a big commitment and as ready as you were to go the second time, you couldn't have been and it shows now. I am in a similar situation, only I am in the process of a long overdue divorce. I spent countless hours in my basement crying, morning the loss of a marriage, having changed myself to try and make it work (while alienating all my friends and relatives), and having to know that I would not see my two beautiful boys everyday. Once I moved out I figured I was good to go. I had been through the mourning part, and I felt great. I was getting me back and could feel the confidence growing. I met my GF and my progress stalled. She provided a "soft landing" as my mom put it. I'm not saying she's not the one for you, and I have to say I am REALLY impressed by your honesty, and unwillingness to commit if you aren't ready. It says a lot about you as a man. I think you just need to sit down and talk with her, tell her how your feeling in a way that makes her feel like you have truly thought this through. Give her your take, without putting questions into her mind. She is not the one that jumped into a relationship so fast. If she loves you, she will understand and continue to cultivate that relationship. However, and this is a BIG however, you need to soul search, and decide if you want it to go on. There is nothing worse if one partner is "trying" to get that feeling, while the other has it. Believe me, I'm there right now. My GF tried to love me again, and I honestly believe she was. My situation is so screwed up right now though, no one could have saved her and I. It's up to me to fix me, then I can move on. I think you need to dig deep and decide if you're broken. My guess is yes, and even if it's just that little bit, it could be the part holding you back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostNnotfound Posted September 25, 2011 Author Share Posted September 25, 2011 Thanks for your post, I truly appreciate any advice. You are right I do obviously need to do some soul searching and find out deep down inside why I am feeling or "not" feeling ready. As we talk more and more she feels as though if I can not tell her that I see a future forever with her that she feels that what we have now is not a good enough commitment. I see her side and I am just trying to be as fair as possible to her, but at the same time I don't feel i should be put in that if you can't say you are for sure about our future and marriage and proposing then I can't be with you. How is that fair? Tuff Tuff situation... Please comment Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted September 25, 2011 Share Posted September 25, 2011 Honestly, sometimes the commitment decision is a flip that has to be switched in your mind. If I were talking to her instead of you, I would probably give her a clearer picture. She needs to decide what her limit to wait is, communicate that to you, and then leave once she reaches the limit. I suspect if she left, then you'd "get it" because often it is with loss that we learn to value what we have. It's just the way our brains work. For you, I would actually encourage her to set boundaries with you. I know she fears losing you, but it's best for you both in the long run. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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