Unsure of staying/leaving

[Gerber Daisy]

Hello everyone,

 

I've been dating someone for about 9 months and just recently we had an argument that has placed the relationship in a rocky state. To make matters more intense, my bf cconfessed that he slept with his ex gf within the first month of our relationship. He had hung out with her one night, and she made advances on him that night. He stated to me he never wanted to have sex with her but she told him that if she didn't, she would tell me that they had sex anyways. He also stated that she guilt tripped him into it because she had paid for dinner and the movie and that he had lead her on to believe that they were continuing on like usual "friends with benefits". I just don't understand why he didn't refuse and kick her out. I had a friend who made advances on me (near beginning of this relationship) and I firmly told my friend I won't be cheating. And throughout our relationship, he has insisted on being friends with her (now he mentioned because he didn't want her to spill the beans) and it made me uncomfortable, and he had a sense it did bother me but he persisted in staying friends with her.

 

Overall, I don't believe that he has slept with her again since that nite. He has not been in contact with her for almost half the time we've been together. I am generally saddened and angered by this, but not sure if I should make the efforts to stay with him or not. I guess what bothers me is he lied, yet he confessed about his lies. If I do stay, will I be ok?

[Daligal83]

I don't buy it. He made his choice and he may regret it, but he had choice the entire time. Since when is he obligated to sleep with her because she paid for the activities? That's ridiculous. Would he have expected sex if he had paid for everything? That one doesn't even make sense. And as far as her saying they had sex anyway, well if he didn't sleep with her he wouldn't have had to worry about that. It doesn't make cheating OK just because she threatened him. He showed weak character and doesn't seem to be taking responsibility for any of his actions. There is never EVER a situation where someone HAS to sleep with someone else. It's a choice. And to keep being friends with her...ridiculous. It's hard for me to believe that they were friends and she no longer "demanded" sex from him anymore. Was he hanging out with her throughout your relationship?

 

It's up to you if you want to work through this, but it's a big red flag to me that he isn't taking any responsibility. He's just putting it all on her. It would be a little different if he confessed and took ownership over his actions. By making excuses he's basically saying he didn't do anything wrong. What is he going to do if she guilt trips him again? What if she threatens him again? And how are you supposed to believe what he tells you?

[Princess123]

He stated to me he never wanted to have sex with her but she told him that if she didn't, she would tell me that they had sex anyways.

 

That is just one of the worst excuses I have heard of.

 

I believe cheating is one of the harder things to forgive and you can't really forget it. Depends on the person you are but generally that may be something that dances around the back of your mind. Now the trust in this relationship is broken. The fact that he continued to be friends with her is also no good.

[Stay_home]

For nine months he's been keeping concealed the infidelity. Not that it would ever be acceptable if he confessed earlier, but I feel like that makes the relationship feel like a complete lie. I don't think I could ever accept someone cheating on me and here's why: It doesn't just happen, it's a process. If thinking of me wasn't enough to stop you dead in your tracks from cheating, then you don't value the relationship. Period.

 

He also stated that [B]she guilt tripped him into it [/b]because she had paid for dinner and the movie and that he had lead her on to believe that they were continuing on like usual "friends with benefits". I just don't understand why he didn't refuse and kick her out. [/Quote]

 

That's just playing hot potato and not taking responsibility. If I cheated and I want you back, then I'm wrong no matter how you cut or slice it.

[Princess123]

If thinking of me wasn't enough to stop you dead in your tracks from cheating, then you don't value the relationship. Period.

 

I agree 100%.

 

I hate to do it but its like Taylor Swift's song "Should of Said No".

[Gerber Daisy]

Thanks for your replies. He actually confessed because during one conversation I said I'll always be there for him and I'm glad he's never broken my trust. That is when he confessed to me. He said it was eating him up alive inside and he felt stupid for sleeping with her. He also decided to stay friends with her because he was afraid she'd tell me. I have been through various emotions the past couple of days (incident happened on the weekend). What it boils down to is that he is a man for tell me the truth, but he isn't a man for not sleeping with her. For myself, I was committed to be a gf the moment we kissed and wanted to date each other.

 

And you're right, I really am taking his word for it when he says he hasn't slept with her since and right now the trust level is pretty low.

[superfox]

What a crock!

I would not be happy with this at all.

[Daligal83]

Being friends with her doesn't stop her from telling you. That has nothing to do with it. Besides, he shouldn't have been keeping it from you at all.

[brokenheart911]

I have had many friends with the same situation. Confessing later doesn't make it right or acceptable. I don't buy his reasons....and I honestly believe if it happened once it will happen again. You would be better off cutting your ties and moving on. Find someone who will have enough respect for you to say "NO" if ever in that situation. You deserve better. I don't buy his story one bit!