denize30 Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 My boyfriend and I have a lovely relationship. We met an year ago and since then we became inseparable. We madly love eachother ...you know, like it is at every first of a relationship...a good one. Problem is , before we met he had broken up with his gf of 6 years..they lived together, they did everything together. He says they had a good friendship and that , as far as he is concerned , he had no sexual attraction towards her ,and even worse, he says he never loved her the way lovers do. They were just good buddies ,sharing a life and a flat together .... he said that in the past 2 years of relationship they haven't even had sex anymore. I found that hard to believe.... So i had to check.. I found out that actually, during the past two years , their relationship wasn't as bad as he described and that he wasnt as miserable as he said to me that he was with her and that they did have sex , very rarely, and they went on holidays together all over the world etc etc etc..... That was a shock for me ,because i believed all his stories and now i look at old txt messages between him and his ex and I see a whole different story.. He is a wonderful person , never cheated and i trust him and love him to bits. I dont know why he lied? I am confused.... I know the past is the past and we all have one, it is not what bothers me... I only want to know why he said the things he said about his ex and their miserable relationship ? he keeps telling me he never loved her THAT way and it was all a very good friendship and that he wasnt happy with her ..... text messages say things like - i love you, calling eachother pet names and so on and so forth....just the usual things people say and do when they love eachother. I am not crazy ... i am just very confused, cos that just dropped like a bomb. you might say i make a big deal out of nothing and the past is the past.maybe it is so, what bothers me is why did he make up stories ? was it because he thought it would make me feel better,or more confident about this new relationship ? ......please help with answers, opinions ... anything you can. thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 It was very wrong of you to check up on him like that. Many people look back at their old relationships not as they really were but as they perceive them to be. You have no idea what he was really thinking when he wrote those texts nor what really went on between them - neither does he in fact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
curious987 Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Hmm....yeah I agree with you, the past in the past, BUT I agree with you that it is strange. Maybe he just wants to make you feel like you don't have to worry. Because many partners might be funny or intimidated by the thought of a 6 year ex. He might just be trying to reassure you that she means nothing, and you mean everything. But going to the extreme and saying that he never loved her that way? Well...what are you supposed to think of that? Why would he stay with somebody who he didn't love, for 6 years? Thats what I'd be asking him. And you should ask him. Because you say you read messages that said "I love you", which I'm sure is what he says to you now. Please don't take this as me suggesting he doesn't love you, but if he says "i love you" to a girl he was with for 6 years, and lived with, and then turns around at the end and pretty much implies it meant nothing, well I think you have every right to ask him about it. After all, he would be saying the same stuff to you now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WindowTo Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Perhaps what he said was more a reflection of how he felt about the relationship. Lovey names are not always a reflection of how we feel, sometimes we just want someone there to call honey. As for the sex, rarely is the same as never for some guys, if you know what I mean. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 By the way: you say you feel you have lost trust in him. When you tell him you spied on him by snooping in his text messages do you think he will lose trust in you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 He is a wonderful person , never cheated and i trust him and love him to bits. I dont know why he lied? I am confused.... I know the past is the past and we all have one, it is not what bothers me... I only want to know why he said the things he said about his ex and their miserable relationship ? Why did you feel the need to check his text messages, since you "trust him?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miranona Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Sometimes we look at past relationships with a different perspective, after we've had some time to reflect or when we're more emotionally stable than when we were actually in the moment. When we're in the moment, sometimes our vision gets blurry and we force ourselves to believe that certain things can work out when we know deep inside it wont. Its very common to say negative things about past relationships even when at the time, we had completely shown a different side of ourselves. I myself have said negative things about my past relationship (I never really loved him..etc) but at the time, I did act as if I did, I did tell him I did, I went on trips with him etc etc. When in that relationship I wanted to believe that I found a potential lifetime partner, everyone wants to think /know they belong to someone - when in truth, I didnt think it was going to work out anyway. However, it is only now I can honestly admit that, because there are no more attachments and no more vulnerability towards that person. I dont think your bf is "making up stories" I think he's being honest in telling you how he really feels, now that hes moved on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
denize30 Posted September 20, 2011 Author Share Posted September 20, 2011 i know ,we had this conversation.... i don;t feel proud of what i did ,but you know what they say... can find a lot about a person just by looking in to their rubbish bin... sort of he is not mad at me because i read his text messages from his old phones, he is mad because i do not trust him . i have access to all his passwords and so does he to mine . After he had told me that he hadn't had sex with his ex for nearly two years !!!!!! i kind of flipped out ... i knew something was fishy.. i mean , for Gods sake, they lived and travelled together !?? he still sayd they haven't ! i just dont believe a man who tells me that ,especially when he also says he never cheated on her either. that for me is a red flag, that is how my mind works, cannot change it.... i had to know ! it's easy to judge, but put yourself in my shoes? i did trust him 100% ...until he told me that thing ! and that was it for me..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
denize30 Posted September 20, 2011 Author Share Posted September 20, 2011 that is exactly how I feel CURIOUS987..... i did ask him why didn;t he just pull out when he realised it was over and that he didnt have feelings for her anymore... he said he couldn;t and that his ex would't leave the flat , she refused to believe it was over.. yet again , even after that , they still went on trips together as a couple??!! i just dont understand this sort of things, it's beyound all my comprehension , maybe i am thick?! he said he never lied to me and he loves me to bits etc etc ....my head is like a whirlpool Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 I don't think you will have to worry about this for much longer --- it has taken on a life of it's own. You are now not believing much of what he says, and he can no longer trust you. The light at the end of the tunnel is a train..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miranona Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 hi denize - i understand what you mean when you had to "look" - its quench for curiosity. but in situations like these, if you are looking for dirt, you will find it. thing is, if this is not the type of relationship you'd want to be in, esp since it looks like you've made up your mind, then its really no use to wonder what he was thinking or why he did certain things. He said things, he's done things - theres no way of undoing them now. Its up to you now how you wabnt to deal with it. If this is a deal breaker (no progression without trust), then you're best looking for someone else who you CAN trust. I agree he shouldnt have lied to you in the first place, like did it really matter if you slept together or not - she's your ex its over. but just the fact that he had to be dishonest is not a good sign. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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