Why can't I see this is for the best???

[Tinkie80]

Hi I have been lurking around here for a while and I'm really struggling to see sense at the moment so I have decided to ask your advice. This is going to be a long post so my apologies. My ex husband walked out on me in March after 8 years of a bad marriage that I was desperately unhappy in and had damaged my self esteem badly. We attempted marriage counselling for a while but the marriage counsellor basically told me I was wasting my time. My ex was cheating, treating me badly and doing it conciously with no remorse. Basically the assessment was he didn't think his behaviour was wrong so he would never change. After a few weeks of him being out of the house I started to feel like a weight was off my chest. I knew this was the right thing, that I no longer had this person telling me I wasn't good enough and using me financially and as someone to look after them. I knew I had only stayed out of fear... fear of being alone for the first time in my life and starting over financially. I didn't even care he left the mortgage in arrears and didn't take his stuff. I happily moved on with my life and started to come out of my depression and live my life and get out in the world among people. I started to come out of my shell, was happy in the person I was becoming and was loving my life alone.

 

Part of my new life meant I started talking to people instead of always hiding because I didn't feel good enough. Fast forward 4 months and I added a guy I met through work to my facebook page and started chatting to him as he seemed interesting during the couple of brief conversations we had in real life. We talked literally for hours over a few days and he was always respectful because he still thought I was married (I hadn't told anyone at work as I am a private person and I didn't want to have to keep explaining it or be the subject of gossip). When I told him I was actually single and had been for a few months he asked if we could hang out at my place and watch a movie. I agreed and one thing led to another and we ended up being intimate. He was sweet the whole time and asked if it was ok every time he made a move as he didn't want to rush me. He was also very upfront about us not getting serious until after my divorce had come through and that we should just date until then.

 

We had a great 2 months where we hung out together on weekends and did fun things we both enjoyed with no pressure on either of us. He was a great sounding board when it came to me working out what to do with my life now it was mine again. He encouraged me to better myself and really do something with my life as I was smart enough to do more than what I was currently doing. He's smart and funny, has two uni degrees, looks after his family financially, and works hard. Everything was cool until he mentioned that he has a habit of just cutting people out of his life if they do something he considers is wrong. Which, it turns out, is as simple as being negative, being disrespectful (just once), or just not meeting his standards. I didn't realise how serious he was about this until last Tuesday. We are out for the day, and he's a bit abrupt as he is giving up smoking cold turkey and is in the withdrawal stage. He makes a joking comment about how he can't work out how to get me to leave him alone, I take it personally and sit and stew on it. Later on he makes a criticism of my friends and family saying when they make fun of his luxury car being parked at my budget neighbourhood house its disrespectful and a mark of jealousy on their part and its s*&t behaviour. Being that I'm already pissed off I say at least I know my friends won't abandon me when I'm in trouble to save their own butt (he has previously told me his did). He immediately said that was a low blow and he never wants to speak to me again after I drop him home. And he literally has cut me out of his life over that one remark and has since repeated to me that's why the friendship is over.

 

Now in my head I know that he is being unreasonable, and that if we kept seeing each other it would only get worse. But my heart keeps making excuses for his behaviour, he was going through nicotine withdrawal, I shouldn’t have said what I did. I just keep thinking he was so much better than my ex husband, and we had so much in common, he was supportive, and he was really hot, and that means I should just be grateful to have him in my life... I know that’s wrong, and there are other people out there, and its better to be alone than in a bad relationship, but I keep wanting him to come back when I should be saying “Phew dodged a bullet with that one”. Why can’t I get it through my stupid head that I deserve better than a crappy bloke that puts me through an emotional roller coaster all the time, I’m 31 not 16 FFS. I'm so angry as well because I was happy alone and then he woke all these feelings in me that I just wish I could switch off and make go away. Feelings I thought my ex husband had killed in me forever.

[why do we]

That guy is a nasty piece of work, you are well rid. The situation was orchestrated and planned in advance, he wasn't going to have a lasting relationship with you. Basically all that irritable behavior means that consciously or subconsciously that he needed you for something for a while at the time but had no desire or intention to go on (and definitely no genuine romantic feelings).

I am sorry this happened, but it's not all bad, you only lost 2 months, I lost 5 years of my life on someone like that.

[Tinkie80]

I just feel so stupid for falling for it... and I feel even worse because I miss him.... even though I know he's bad news....

[O-shen]

Imagine having to walk on eggshells the rest of the relationship? To not be able to express yourself fully, because you are afraid he will simply up and leave. I would suggest even if you did hold your tongue as much as you could, you would either 1) end up resenting him for the feelings you are holding back

or

2) let it all build up till one day...you lose it in a big way, and do a proper job of it

 

I know its hard when you form a bond with someone who has the same interests as yourself, is caring, even good looking....but then your find thier faults. Everyone has thier faults and some are okay, and some are not.

 

Worst thing is, we tend to brush off the bad behaviour because the other fammiliar traits are so important to us. Right as we speak i miss my ex who i have a strong bond with, care deeply for and really miss. I miss her so much i forget her abusive outbursts, her tantrums and how much i sometimes felt like banging my head into a brick wall repeatedly for some soft comfort away from her........wait...no, i dont foget that and neither should you.

[ElleBelle]

Don't look back -- he sounds like my ex! Those kinds of comments will never stop. Believe me, I stayed for four years and we did counseling too for over a year -- he will shred every ounce of self esteem you have.

 

I don't think you should date. Go to therapy or something and figure out why you are attracting these types of people. That is what I am doing.

[Tinkie80]

I think the biggest reason I didn't catch on to the problem before I got involved was that I was enjoying the feeling of having someone want to be with me. The last few years of my marriage my husband literally refused to go anywhere or do anything outside the house with me. If he went out socially I was told quite clearly I was not invited... his friends only wanted him there. Whereas with the new man there was someone who WANTED to be spend time with me doing things I enjoyed and it was almost intoxicating after years of feeling like your nothing special to have someone chase you. I stuck it out with my marriage because I believed the vows I made meant something... for better or worse... I just figured the worse would eventually turn in to the better... every marriage has bad patches. It took the counsellor to point out that there is a limit to how much worse you should take and at a certain point it will end up crushing you emotionally.

 

I know I don't have to put up with the worst stuff any more... and even though this guy was better than my husband I think I still need to keep aiming higher and take this as a blessing that it was two months only before it fell apart. I am doing therapy still after my husband quit our joint sessions and I now know I have an overwhelming need to "give" to people... whether it be my time, love, help whatever.... but as my therapist explains I need to set better boundaries or there will be people that pick up on the type of person I am and use it to there advantage and I will let them even if its not good for me. I need to let go of the fear of being tagged a b**ch if I say no to something someone wants.

[ElleBelle]

I understand, really I do. I am glad you are doing the therapy. I have been reading on codependency and I think I may try to be too giving too. This will only get you involved with problematic people because healthier people won't want to deal with this. Spend a LOT of time on figuring out what feelings and thoughts are creating your need to give so much of yourself. I know it feels good to be wanted, doesn't it, even if it is for a wrong reason.

 

I wish someone could me me vision like that one movie (with Jack Black and Gwyneth Paltrow, I forget the name) where the outer appearance coincides with the inner person. That way people couldn't hide how ugly they really are inside.