How can he forget me so easily?

[changeacomin]

I can't get my head round how someone who had been in my life for 6 years can simply turn his back on me completely. Why? How can that happen? Not even a shred of thought for me? Was the whole thing meaningless to him? After 6 years??? No remorse? Nothing????

 

Been in NC for 11 days. I'm desperate to contact him.

[dare12]

I can't get my head round how someone who had been in my life for 6 years can simply turn his back on me completely. Why? How can that happen? Not even a shred of thought for me? Was the whole thing meaningless to him? After 6 years??? No remorse? Nothing????

 

Been in NC for 11 days. I'm desperate to contact him.

 

Hello changeacomin

 

I was with my ex for 6 years too. He dumped me jumping into a new relationship right away!!! I felt like you and still feel! I don't know your story or the circumstances of your break up but in my opinion there isn't any chance that he is not thinking of you. DO NOT CONTACT HIM!!! EVER!!! BE PATIENT!!! HE WILL CONTACT YOU. My ex contacted first my best friends and then me (after a month NC) and the break up wasn't good. It isn't necessary though that the contact will lead somewhere (we are for example where we have started, NC again he still is with the "other one"). It will take some time but he'll contact you Take care!

[jolbell69]

I can guarantee that he hasn't forgotten you - use that to help you feel better. He won't ever forget you because you were a huge part of his life. Perhaps he is taking the time to heal and get himself in a better place? I don't know the circumstances, but I believe you should do the same - take this time to look after yourself.

[changeacomin]

Thanks dare12 - I hope you're right. He has told me there's nobody else in his life. I think I believe him, as he's always been very honest with me, but who knows for sure? Our break up (he said) was because he realised he's been in committed relationships (3) since the age of 17 and he doesn't want to be.

[Thorshammer]

There is no telling when he really "checked out" of the relationship, so this sudden break-up might have happened a long time ago. Right now hes living out his plan and hes caught in the momment. Its like planning an expensive trip, you weight what you will lose, then decide, then you go on the trip and have fun, and then come back and realize that maybe (for some), that it was better off saving the money and not going. It doesnt mean he will contact you or not. I dont think it helps when people say they will contact because they experienced this, it just makes the dumpee have anxiety, or think the person they are with fake, or that they themselves werent worthy. And any contact doesnt mean he wants you back. Its best to heal and move on and work on yourself.

[changeacomin]

Hi Thorshammer. Strange that you use the "planning an expensive trip" analogy - because that's ACTUALLY what he did. In August last year, he decided to go on a 3 year trip around Europe (6 months on and 6 months off) and he wasn't coming back. Because at that point, after 5 years together I still hadn't quite committed at the level he wanted me to. It threw me . And the thought of losing him altogether led me to make the committment he had always wanted. (Letting him completely into my life, acknowledging our relationship to my son and generally spending more time together.) He said it was how he'd always wanted things to be. I didn't want him to cancel his plans, I encouraged him to still go. He moved in with me for the last 5 months before his trip started and decided that during the 6 months off each year he would come back and we'd be together. I was also going to visit him in Europe, 2 or 3 times while he was there during his 6 months of traveling.

 

He started his trip in March this year. I went to visit him twice. Then 4 weeks before he was due home, I got the email telling me he wanted to now be single.

 

So you're spot on. I think he maybe checked out of this relationship in August last year.

 

Thanks for the insight.

[oreogod]

Your outlook while completely understandable, and the fact that what you are feeling does make sense, is still a selfish one. It's not just about you and your experience, it is also about him and his experience.

 

His mind is in flee/fight mode. He hasn't forgotten about you, but he is running away from you because in some way he wasn't getting his needs fulfilled. He is doing the right thing for him. Remember, people always make sense. You can either fight against his outlook or try and understand what he and his mind are going through right now.

[happymeboy]

Extremely immature and selfish from his side. My best advice...dump him for good.You dont need this after investing 6 precious years of ur life.

Thorshammer's advises are in general among the best in this forum, so pay close attention to what he got to say...I did in my own case and felt sooo much better...

Again...DUMP HIM !!!!

[guest777]

Your outlook while completely understandable, and the fact that what you are feeling does make sense, is still a selfish one. It's not just about you and your experience, it is also about him and his experience.

 

His mind is in flee/fight mode. He hasn't forgotten about you, but he is running away from you because in some way he wasn't getting his needs fulfilled. He is doing the right thing for him. Remember, people always make sense. You can either fight against his outlook or try and understand what he and his mind are going through right now.

 

This is something I've struggled with. We've been broken up for 10months and he pretty much immediately moved into another relationship but it wasn't official until 5 months after the break up. Everybody assumed they had something going on immediately after the breakup. I kept wondering after +2.5 year relationship could he just forget me, not contact, and quickly move into another relationship. I know it's what he thought was best for him but it hurts to hear from others that he doesn't seem like the same guy and they liked him more when he was with me. How can I be happy for him doing what is best for him when it doesn't seem like it's the best for him?

 

I saw the ex from a distance a few days ago and he didn't seem to have any reaction and then I learn he deleted me as a contact on video/IM communicating application. Hes also detagged all our photos together on FB 2 months into his new relationship but still has pics with his other exs. How do you know if they are having a hard time getting over the relationship or if they've moved on?

[CMS]

How do you know if they are having a hard time getting over the relationship or if they've moved on?

 

Here is a question for you, does it matter if he is having a hard time getting over the relationship of moved on?

 

The answer is: it does not matter, they made the decision to end association with you, it sure sucks but time to respect their decision and move on yourself, all those guessing "if he is happy in his new relationship" is just going to set you back. Move on, if he is not happy in his new relationship and wants another shot with you, he knows where he can find you and the question by then is would you be taking him back.

[changeacomin]

Actually, oreogod, I think I've been quite UNselfish and I find it hurtful that you can label me as "selfish". I can completely understand where he's coming from: The need to go out and explore the world for him, as it is now. (I was about to post a thread on that very subject.)

I understand. He needs to do it. he needs to do that for his own growth. I wouldn't want to stop him.

 

It doesn't stop me hurting though.

[italiannmf24]

He didn't forget about you. I know it feels like hell the first couple weeks, but you need to keep reminding yourself that this is for YOU and not HIM.

 

Start some self-improvement right now and keep the focus on yourself. It's all about re-creating your life without your ex involved. It does wonders.

[fashionista2]

I can't get my head round how someone who had been in my life for 6 years can simply turn his back on me completely. Why? How can that happen? Not even a shred of thought for me? Was the whole thing meaningless to him? After 6 years??? No remorse? Nothing????.

 

i could have written this myself.... im at almost 3 months NC... the way i look at it as he needs to see what his life is like without me, then if he decides it would be better with me hopefully a reconciliation will begin, and if not then i guess he wasnt the one for me. I am interested to see how your story turns out. good luck!

[changeacomin]

Thanks fashionista2 - please tell me this NC thing gets easier. I'm only in day 12 - but really it's only day 1 , as I didn't stop looking at his FB page until yesterday. It was too painful, so now I've stopped.

[fashionista2]

yes it does get easier... or at least it did for me because I truly believe this is the best thing I can do not only for myself, but also if I have any hope of reconciliation. As for facebook, I have definitely been guilty of looking at his page, but it really isnt a good idea because you dont know how much of what is on there is really him just trying to put up a front of being happy etc.

[Nick Lansing]

It does get easier. When I really care about someone it takes me about three months (the length of a season) before I start feeling a lot better. I've been through this process four times. Rest assured, you will survive and be a better person for the experience.

 

And believe me, he hasn't forgotten you, and he never will. People in his position handle themselves differently, but some people adopt this facade of not caring, like, going out of their way to seem cold and really "over it," but I think it's more a defense mechanis than anything else. He still remembers you and probably still loves you in a way, but he's pushed those feelings way back in his soul, in order to try to move on.

 

I'm not saying he'll ever come back, I'm just saying he hasn't forgotten you and that you'll always mean something to him, regardless of what the future holds.

 

Hold your head high, mourn if you need to, but move on. And boycott his facebook page! That stuff while drive you nuts -- life is too short to torture yourself, which is what you're doing (not judging -- I' ve done it too).

[changeacomin]

Thanks Nick, it's reassuring to know it gets better, 'cos it sure as hell hurts at the moment.

The horrible thing is - I think you're right about him maybe being cold "on purpose" as it were. When he broke up with his girlfriend of 12 years, to be with me, he honestly seemed to never look back. Whereas, I had a terribel time coming to terms with the fact that I'd left a 15 year marriage to be with him. I remember asking him how come he never seemed to be upset about leaving his ex, and he told me he just didn't look back. He'd met me ("someone better") and wasn't going to look back. And even though he says he isn't with anyone else (whether that's true or not) I think it shows the kind of man he is. He makes a decision and that's it. End of.

[Thorshammer]

Hmmm, a 6 months on and off trip? Do you share in that same type of adventurous spirit? Maybe he didnt see you in his new outlook on life? I can relate to that, hence why I bring it up. I didnt like or support my ex's desire to travel and party, but i told her i was cool with her doing it anyway. She met like-minded people there, and that plus other issues, led me out the door. You have to keep in mind that moving in naturally sets off in our brains... "forever". He seems like a free-spirit, and forever is hard, especially when you cant match his spirit, and yes, i do realize he chased you to be serious. You take this trip and the trip and it becomes a revelation (words my ex said) of what you want to return to (and yes, its serious to him if hes been planning this). Maybe he felt he was losing some of that being with you in a commitment?

 

Dont believe you were being selfish. Selfish was to keep him from his dreams. I was very angry at my ex for dumping me after returning from vacation, I dont care how someone wants to sugarcoat it with what she was thinking, or how happy she is fulfilling whatever dreams she had. She promised a lot, took serious step, led me up that mountain, and cut the support as i fell because a detour was in the way. Be mature and make careful decisions, a human being has feelings, they should be protected by making sure you dont lead them on, dont gamble on it if you have doubts- that to me is selfish.

 

As for healing, it will come in stages. You can literally plan out the stages; realization hes gone> believing he will return>he cheated>he still loves you, hes just confused> you miss him> your life sucks> etc. Just know that there are stages, and you have to "pass them". Sometimes, a stage will return, just work on it, and pass it again. You can accelerate your healing by not staying on any stage and holding on to it.

[changeacomin]

I think I do share his adventurous spirit, yes. And I'd have LOVED to have gone with him Thorshammer, but I have a 13 year old son from my marriage, so had to stay put. I did go out to visit him twice though and that was good.

I think your comments make sense.

As for the whole committment thing - I sometimes think I should write to him and suggest a "no strings" kind of relationship. Oh I don't know....

[chitown9]

As for the whole committment thing - I sometimes think I should write to him and suggest a "no strings" kind of relationship. Oh I don't know....

 

No, sweetie. Don't to it....

[Thorshammer]

For whatever reason he wants to be free and experience all of this without strings attached. I know the mature thing is to accept it and respect his decision, but in a way, for many others, they would get mad! They hounded you to commit, to move in, knowing you have a kid who sees all this and expects him to be serious, then he just walks away while hes chillin on vacation, and then he has the audacity to break-up with you in an email. I know many women that would want to hang a man if they brought them around their kid when they claim commitment and didnt follow through, i cant imagine what they would do if they pushed to move in. Like you said, you kept him on the side, not acknowledging his role in your life to your kid. He works his way up, and then taps out and quits?

 

Doesnt he think about how you might look to your son? And all this he sums up after a few months of full commitment only? And he does this on vacation with an email?

 

What exactly is this guys worth again? Because I dont see it.

 

All you can do is heal, and let it play out. Dont contact, focus on you and your son, and be more careful of the men you bring around. Try to find someone who wants to settle, and not go adventuring, I know that is very single-minded, but like I tell my friend, you might be pushing away good people and might be wrong, but its best to protect yourself when they show any traits of anything that doesnt seem grounded. If he comes back, by then hopefully you realize what he did, he claimed commitment and you took a huge step allowing him in and introducing him and he FAILED. Thats pretty much the biggest sin when it comes to dating women with kids, even I in my early 20s (when my mind was like a 15 year old) I knew that women with kids had to be thought out seriously, and handled differently.

 

If he makes contact, you better talk from that same base of power you had before he squeezed his way in. I hope you come to your senses and not take him back until he has a perfectly good reason, i actually hope you find someone else new actually, someone who hasnt failed you.

[changeacomin]

Thanks for this reply Thorshammer, it's helped me feel a little less sad about it all.

 

Yes, it was a huge step for me to make that final committment to him. If there had been any question in my mind that things would have turned out this way I wouldn't have dreamt of bringing him totally into my life. But I guess there are no guarantees in life and it was a risk I was prepared to take. After 6 years together I really believed we were solid. Oh well...

 

Your final sentence brought tears to my eyes. :

 

"If he makes contact, you better talk from that same base of power you had before he squeezed his way in. I hope you come to your senses and not take him back until he has a perfectly good reason, i actually hope you find someone else new actually, someone who hasnt failed you"

 

Thank you.