To those who followed it all, here's how it ended...

[Cynder]

So, as the title says, I know a lot of people here have read a lot of my threads about this one guy I've been friends with for ten years. Friends ten years, lovers for a while back in 03, and then again for the last few months.

 

He started pushing me away when he started basically using my facebook as his own personal meat market. What really flipped the switch for me though, was when he messaged one of my female friends on facebook who he hasn't even met yet and offered to give her a ride somewhere three hours away to pick her boyfriend up from prison.

 

This is all so complicated... I'm just giving the shortest version of the story possible. I know a lot of people have followed my threads about this guy and don't really need the back story, but I'm trying to include it for those who haven't followed.

 

A few days after I got back from Europe I spent an evening with him and his kids. And when he was giving me a ride home he made a joke about how he was going to try to grope me while he was driving. (this kind of humor is normal for him, no big deal there.) And I just laughed it off. He said "On a more serious note, I don't think you want me to do any of that anymore."

 

And I was thinking "Wow, you finally figured it out huh." But I said "Well, you're right, I really don't."

 

He asked me why... I gave him all my reasons. Of course he had nothing but excuses. He said he was only joking when he was hitting on so many of my friends. He said he only did it out in the open so he could be open and honest with me about it. Etc, etc etc. He even tried telling me he didn't know it bothered me.

 

I pointed out that every time I tried telling him it bothered me, I was told to stop acting jealous and he would immediately end the conversation after that.

 

I supposed I could go into all his excuses and all my rebuttles... But it seems pointless as of now. A lot of it is so dense that it's frustrating for me to even try to wrap my head around it.

 

But in the end we decided we will always have our friendship. We've been friends so long I don't think we will even not be friends. I would like to think I let him down easy... but I got the feeling he was pretty upset. This was Thursday night and he didn't talk to me until today. I didn't contact him either. But today I got a text from him apologizing for not texting. I told him I'm looking at apartments and looking for another job. We talked about that, it was a trivial conversation.

 

So, that's what happened...

[thejigsup]

Why on earth would you reward his actions with friendship? I don't understand that at all. He certainly hasn't acted like much of a friend.

[annie24]

i agree that he doesn't sound like a great friend or lover. glad you have put an end to that, given how he has been behaving. serious boundary issues!

 

i'm glad you had a really good trip though - it sounds like you got a lot of happiness from it.

[Cynder]

Why on earth would you reward his actions with friendship? I don't understand that at all. He certainly hasn't acted like much of a friend.

 

Ten years of friendship vs a couple months of him being an ass. Friendship wins out. Before all this him and I never had a single argument.

[Cynder]

i agree that he doesn't sound like a great friend or lover. glad you have put an end to that, given how he has been behaving. serious boundary issues!

 

I'm glad you had a really good trip though - it sounds like you got a lot of happiness from it.

 

Talking about the trip was what kinda started it the other night. He was talking about how jealous he was that I got hit on so much in Europe. It was like he wanted my sympathy or something. And all I could think of was how wrong he said I was to be jealous when he was hitting on my friends right on facebook. I told him I was just tired of the blatant disrespect.

 

He tried to tell me what he did was ok because we aren't officially together. I told him it doesn't matter what the label is. We both had feelings for each other. We were having regular sex and spending a lot of time together. In that situation most people would have enough respect and enough common sense to know better. Of course he didn't buy any of it, lol.

[Moontiger]

Hi Cynder!

 

I want to hear all about your trip PM me when you can.

[1guygirl]

see thing is, when your friends with a guy you dont see the behind the mask. but all it can take is a relationship for even a week, and suddenly youre left with the "true man"

 

you didnt have 10 years of friendship...you were friends with a facade...im sorry but you were. and even if you wanna discount that, think of it like this...you were promoted to gf and he hits on your female friends....dont you see the relevence of that? he showed them his mask and you were seeing just how he viewed you in them 10 years...as potential meat. i dont have to mention the disrespecting you by hitting on your friends

 

im glad youre glad youre rid...but seriously reconsider this friends thing with him...friends like that an all....

[annie24]

Talking about the trip was what kinda started it the other night. He was talking about how jealous he was that I got hit on so much in Europe. It was like he wanted my sympathy or something. And all I could think of was how wrong he said I was to be jealous when he was hitting on my friends right on facebook. I told him I was just tired of the blatant disrespect.

 

He tried to tell me what he did was ok because we aren't officially together. I told him it doesn't matter what the label is. We both had feelings for each other. We were having regular sex and spending a lot of time together. In that situation most people would have enough respect and enough common sense to know better. Of course he didn't buy any of it, lol.

 

There's a difference between "getting hit on" (something you can't really help, unless you are wearing a paper bag over your head!!) and actively going through someone's facebook friend list and flirting with them. and yes, since you have an open relationship, jealousy might occur, but it's something that he has to move past, you know? i guess he doesn't get it. oh well. you are better off.

 

just curious - is your husband moving with you or are you two separating? (or just living separately?)

[Cynder]

There's a difference between "getting hit on" (something you can't really help, unless you are wearing a paper bag over your head!!) and actively going through someone's facebook friend list and flirting with them. and yes, since you have an open relationship, jealousy might occur, but it's something that he has to move past, you know? i guess he doesn't get it. oh well. you are better off.

 

just curious - is your husband moving with you or are you two separating? (or just living separately?)

 

We are separating. The day I left for Europe he blew up at me over something so completely asinine, and right in front of my brother. So when I was over in Europe I decided I'm moving out when I come home.

 

Honestly, I may end up moving to Europe... Now that I've been over there and felt like I beylonged for the first time in ages, I may make it permanent. I'm doing the legwork to make it happen, slowly but still doing it.

[annie24]

We are separating. The day I left for Europe he blew up at me over something so completely asinine, and right in front of my brother. So when I was over in Europe I decided I'm moving out when I come home.

 

Honestly, I may end up moving to Europe... Now that I've been over there and felt like I beylonged for the first time in ages, I may make it permanent. I'm doing the legwork to make it happen, slowly but still doing it.

 

i am sorry to hear that but maybe it is for the best. you are such a cool wife, it gets ridiculous when he throws temper tantrums. europe seems like a great option!! if you can get a visa, go for it!

[Cynder]

i am sorry to hear that but maybe it is for the best. you are such a cool wife, it gets ridiculous when he throws temper tantrums. europe seems like a great option!! if you can get a visa, go for it!

 

Getting a Visa out of the US is hard enough... but it's also hard to get into the country I want to move to the legal way. I have a long road ahead of me if I really am going to live there.

[abitbroken]

I understand that you equate this with a few months of jerkitude and 10 years of friendship, but when even one person has feelings, you can't be "friends." You can be friendly, as far as not hostile and as far as wave at the grocery store or be cordial at a public event but having someone as one of your close friends is not fair to either of you, and is not healthy unless you can separate and meet up at a different point in life.

 

I know you were in an open marriage, but if you are separating from your husband, then I suggest you be with no man for awhile to get with yourself and heal and become a stronger person.

 

It is curious to me, though, that you would decide to separate form your husband over him 'saying something asinine,' but decide that you can still be friends with this "friend." To me, I would edrop the friend and say "one asinine comment is not enough to throw away a marriage" and work on your marriage. Its not really fair to not work on it because you are distracted by 'friends'. It deserves to end or continue on its own... or drop both men. But it just seems like you invest so much more in keeping the friend happy. It almost seems like you are sick of the love triangle so are dropping both, but that is from an outsider's perspective.

[annie24]

I don't know - her husband has been pulling some crap for a while. i see this as the 'straw that broke the camel's back.'

[annie24]

Getting a Visa out of the US is hard enough... but it's also hard to get into the country I want to move to the legal way. I have a long road ahead of me if I really am going to live there.

 

maybe in the meantime, you can go and visit? better than nothing!

[Cynder]

I didn't even read the last few lines of your post because it's not even worth it. Sorry, but it's not.

 

First of all, my husband didn't "say something asinine." And that isn't what I said in my post. I said he blew up over something asinine. What really happened was this: My brother stopped over the morning before I left to say goodbye. My husband got pissed off at me because he doesn't like it when I have company over. The way I see it, I pay the rent, and I have a right to have company over. Especially my brother who I'm close to, right before I leave the country. He doesn't see it that way though. He got pissed, punched a door, screamed at me AND screamed at my brother, and then locked himself in the bathroom.

 

This is also the guy who cheated on me with one of my friends back in 2007. He also was physically abusive to me back in 2004 a few months after we got married. We went to counseling for both those incidents and I thought things would be better. Obviously he isn't going to change.

 

Posts like this are both frustrating and sad to me. SO many people on this forum have told me over the years that I should just leave... Then I post that I'm moving out and someone has to come along and scold me for it like I'm doing something wrong. How much and I supposed to put up with Broken? Tell me.

[Cynder]

maybe in the meantime, you can go and visit? better than nothing!

 

I just got back from there. I'm going back in the Spring to work at a Music Festival. I was fortunate enough to make a few contacts over there... This one woman I met is pretty high up on the latter at that particular festival... she offered me a job there. It's only a three day job, but it's a foot in the door. It could lead to a permanent job and that could help me gain a legal residence there.

[annie24]

that's great! those sorts of connections will help out tremendously. if you can find someone willing to sponsor you for a work visa, that would be aweseome!! (but when you go there, at customs, you won't tell them you are there to work for the weekend. )

 

don't get too upset if someone hasn't read your entire posting history. I think in context of all the threads you've posted over the last 5 years or so, separation makes total sense. especially if he is violent, GTFO!!!!

[Snny]

What really happened was this: My brother stopped over the morning before I left to say goodbye. My husband got pissed off at me because he doesn't like it when I have company over. The way I see it, I pay the rent, and I have a right to have company over. Especially my brother who I'm close to, right before I leave the country. He doesn't see it that way though. He got pissed, punched a door, screamed at me AND screamed at my brother, and then locked himself in the bathroom.

 

Not that it matters anymore, but there is another way to look at this. Yea you pay the rent and I bet he does too. It's common courtesy to let your spouse know when family and friends are visiting before they come over because its also his/her private living space.

 

I agree with the separation since it seems both parties have lost respect for each other. I also second on laying low when overcoming breakups before jumping in another relationship.

[annie24]

Not that it matters anymore, but there is another way to look at this. Yea you pay the rent and I bet he does too. It's common courtesy to let your spouse know when family and friends are visiting before they come over because its also his/her private living space.

 

I agree with the separation since it seems both parties have lost respect for each other. I also second on laying low when overcoming breakups before jumping in another relationship.

 

It was my understanding that he lost his job and was not paying the rent.

 

still - it was a HUGE overreaction, to say the least, to throw a temper tantrum like that! if he had a problem, he could have told her privately to tell her brother next time, to call first. that's what a sane person would do. and of course, this was a 'special occasion' (ie, seeing his sister off before a big trip!) i think his reaction was totally uncalled for, very much like a 2 year old!

[Cynder]

Not that it matters anymore, but there is another way to look at this. Yea you pay the rent and I bet he does too. It's common courtesy to let your spouse know when family and friends are visiting before they come over because its also his/her private living space.

 

I agree with the separation since it seems both parties have lost respect for each other. I also second on laying low when overcoming breakups before jumping in another relationship.

 

Uh no. I pay the rent. He doesn't contribute.

 

I didn't even know my brother was coming over. How was I supposed to tell my husband first?

 

I don't plan on jumping into another relationship. I never said I planned on it, so honestly I don't know where people are getting that idea.

[Cynder]

On a side note... The guy who this thread is about texted me last night after I went to bed. I was exhausted yesterday and went to bed early so I never got his text until this morning. There were two of them. First one said "This rain today matches my mood." Second one said "I wish you would talk to me. I'm so depressed."

 

I suppose this could be him trying to make me feel guilty. Idk though... he does get depressed. He thinks I snubbed him but honestly if I was awake at the time I would have talked to him. Maybe it's better I was sleeping.

[annie24]

(here's the smallest violin in the world, playing for him.)

[pl3asehelp]

see thing is, when your friends with a guy you dont see the behind the mask. but all it can take is a relationship for even a week, and suddenly youre left with the "true man"

 

you didnt have 10 years of friendship...you were friends with a facade...im sorry but you were. and even if you wanna discount that, think of it like this...you were promoted to gf and he hits on your female friends....dont you see the relevence of that? he showed them his mask and you were seeing just how he viewed you in them 10 years...as potential meat. i dont have to mention the disrespecting you by hitting on your friends

 

im glad youre glad youre rid...but seriously reconsider this friends thing with him...friends like that an all....

 

100% accurate and will be proven so in time when he starts acting like even less of a 'friend' than he was before...