How do you know when your marriage is over?

[ElizabethB]

I think about it every day. We have been together for 12 years - 3 years dating including. I was 17 when I met him and he was my first and only boyfriend. To make long story short...I am pretty sure I loved him back then. My feelings were strong and new to me. Everything was new and exciting to me. Year after year things started to change. We were fighting more over stupid things and he had no problem to put me down front of other people. I thought I deserved it. For all this years together we went through physical and emotional abuse - some days. But like always..I thought it was my fault. Two years ago I finally opened my eyes and realized that I do not feel what I felt before. Of course I still love him in some way, but I am not in love with him anymore. I told him that but he tries to ignore it.

Everybody loves him but me. Everybody saying how great he is - but the thing is - I DO live with him not them. I have to listen to his criticism on daily basic- not them.

I feel so tired of it. I feel tired of telling me what to do, how to do it and when.

My therapist told me that I changed. She said I was not mature back then and now I simply don't want what I wanted before.

I am almost 30 and I feel that my biological clock is ticking. I would love to have child but I do not feel like I want it in this marriage. I know it will be very hard to leave if there are kids involve and it is even hard now without them. We spend so many years together, we have mutual friends and I love most of his family.

We both live in other country far away from everybody. I see my family once in 2-3 years, so it is just me and him. He is the only "family" I have here.

When things are very bad between us and all I can think of is leaving - being lonely scares me.

Thoughts about being alone for ever and chances of not finding real love are holding me back.

Thousands of "what if"...

I do not know what to do.

 

Any advice? Is anybody feeling same way as I do???

[DN]

From what you have describe this marriage was over long ago. In fact, it should have ended when it got abusive, especially in a physical way.

[sidehop]

If you two are willing to work out the marriage together anything is possible; have you two done any counseling?

 

But if it's clear that you don't want to spend the rest of life with him then you have to focus yourself on being independent again. The fear is normal; whether the relationship is good or bad, we as humans have the tendency to settle with familiarity and comfort even if deep down we know it's benefiting us or not.

 

There are only what if's if you don't take any action. The most important thing right now is to decide for yourself what is it that you exactly want. If it doesn't involve him, then what is your priority in life. Sure, you may be alone for awhile in order to find yourself in a place when you were single and appreciate the independence but that time will come when you're ready.

[RedDress]

This is going to sound controversial - but I don't even think that you should be allowed to marry before the age of 25. In those critical years (18-25), even though you are no longer growing in a physical way, most people grow tremendously in a mental/psychological way. You simply see the world through a different set of eyes than you did at 18.

 

I agree with DN. This relationship sounds over and it sounds like it's been over for a long time.

 

Yes... some people can overcome abuse... but in your case, why??? It's usually a very long, hard, destructive, dangerous road peppered with setbacks and relapses. Why do you want to do that? Why would you want to put potential children through that? You are young, you still have many child-bearing years ahead of you, it's not too late to turn things around for you.

 

Maybe your "single" journey involves going back "home" to your family... that's not out the question if you are on your own. Rather than think about the scary stuff - start thinking about all those things you'd love to do and how you would like your life to go. You still have that opportunity.

 

If I were in your shoes, that's what I would do...

[ElizabethB]

RedDress, you are so right. That is exactly what my therapist said about growing in a mental/psychological way.

I was too young but I did not know it before.

 

My husband is not bad person. He is actually nice to everybody but with me he does not have to pretend anything anymore.

There is no respect between us. He would call me names and I would too.

He slapped me because of that behavior few times and it was his excuse.

He is not that abusive now. He gets angry easily though. Last time he touched me was when he grabbed my hand. The one I had diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome just a day before.

 

I just do not know.

I am not sure if I want to work on my marriage anymore. I tried to look at him different way but it lasted just a few days and got back to same.

We still having sex once or twice a month. For me is is just a need, nothing more. I do not kiss him or feel like I want to. I know it sounds cold but that is how it is. On the other hand...I wish I could have someone to share this connection with. Feel wanted again...

 

I really do not know...

[Lester]

It doesn't sound like he ever honored or respected you. Do you think he may change if you left?