New girl and my troubles, advice

[Jimmyjam070]

Hey guys

 

I met this girl at a party, we hit it off and I took her home that night. It was a perfect beginning. From the start though, I didn't get my hopes up or try to get too close in case it was just a casual thing. Anyways, we kept hooking up afterwards and we've been together now for almost two months approaching the end of the month. I really like her but she's actually much younger than me. I'm 25 and working and she's a senior in college, 21. I feel kind of weird with this situation but I guess it's fine... but some people in my life look down upon it. Anyways, we pretty much text each other everyday and such and hang alot during week nights, hooking up and me sleeping over. I've pretty much been playing it like I'm whatever, she can do what she wants and when she wants me to come hang I'll hang with her. Obviously I have more feelings than that though. When she goes out on the weekends and I don't hear from her I get down. And I worry she's just kind of using me during the week and doing her own thing like a regular college girl on the weekends. But also, she wants to hang with me on the weekends sometimes, but I actually work nights during the weekend so it makes things difficult. Plus I don't always feel comfortable either going to college parties or bringing her out with my friends just because I'm not that good with social situations. I get jealous real easy and she seems like the flirty type and she might flirt with my friends and upset me. I guess this is a controlling aspect of our relationship since I don't let us hang together too much on the weekend but I only do it because I'm afraid I might lose my cool around other people. And I still don't know if I can trust her, and I don't want to be hurt. Regardless I guess it's a testament to how I care for her.

 

But she pretty much ignored me all weekend....Friday she went out to a college party....she said it wasn't that fun etc. and that she ended up just going to a bar with one of her gfs and staying up and smoking till 4am.....but she would randomly text me (I was trying to just ignore her to not think about her at some frat party or something) and she would text me then not respond till way later. I was asleep and she texte round 2 a sad face implying she was sad I wasn't with her but it was still annoying and I texted "? What do you want? I'm tryin to sleep." She didnt respond till 4 "so hostile, yada" Anyways I feel like I'm losing my cool. At this point she knows I have feelings for her and I seem weak. Like I cant get another girl or like I'm insecure.

 

I wish I could just hook up with her and focus on other things when she's not around like work. but she's the best girl I have going and even when I try to meet other girls I havent been as successful yet. And when I feel sad I can hardly focus. Thats why I'm laying in bed right now and not doing my errands right now.

 

So Saturday she invited me up to her parents party with her cous and my somehwat friend Adam....I just don't feel comfortable with that stuff yet too. I feel like I'm going to embarrass myself but I feel like I'm just being a coward but I'm really socially anxious and awkward sometimes and I'm afraid if I make a fool of myself I'll lose her. I had work anyway so I couldn't go...but at the same time I don't think she expected me to say yes....Saturday she said she was coming home, but she said she was going to sleep there instead, and her texts were all over the place....then Sunday she went to the Pats with those two people and some other dude out of the blue she said.....that's fine but it was kinda lame I guess....then Sunday night we met up at a show and we stayed for like 30 minutes and I took her home.....instead of staying and cuddling I played like I had to wake up early and didn't give her much affection like she wanted....so that's how I played it....basically I'm not gonna shell my love into her if she's just using me during the week and partying on the weekend meeting other people.....but at the same time I guess I could have been hanging with her during the weekend. But I don't know if I'm ready for that and I hate how girls make you jump through hoops for them.

 

I can't help if I have feelings and get sad. But even in the beginning I told myself not to get so attached. She's just one of the best girls I've had in awhile.

 

Anyways how do you think I should play it.....I'm gonna wait for her to hit me up and my plan is to be less affectionate and more focused on just having fun while we're free. I wish we could just decide to be friends with benefits but I'm afraid to label what we are or have that convo. I'm just rolling with the punches.

 

Adios

I'm going to get a coffee now. I'll keep you posted help me out here.

[alice34]

It sounds like you really don't know where she's at emotionally in your relationship and how she views it. She may just want to have fun and party and not be tied down. Or she may be waiting for you to make a move and make it more serious. She is probably just as confused as you are. You're sending her a few mixed messages. She texted you late and you were kind of rude and cranky in your response. Keep in mind, time moves a lot quicker when you're out drinking and having fun. It may be 2 a.m. but it doesn't feel that way to her and her priority isn't going to be texting with you so she may wait a while before remembering to check her phone. And also suddenly being unaffectionate, she probably doesn't know why you did that. Also, The age thing doesn't have to be an issue. My boyfriend and I are five years apart and no one has said anything about it. We're equal in our maturity levels so age doesn't mean a thing.

 

The best move you can make now is to sit down with her and have a serious conversation about what she's looking for and what she wants and how she views your relationship. And be honest with what you want and how you feel too. Communication is key.

[WindowTo]

I am glad I saw your post Jimmy. I think I know your situation from experience. It is being stuck between a rock and a hard place. It probably looks like this: On one hand she values her party life and collegey superactive social life, she likes all the attention she gets and considers it an important time to experience the excitement and zest of life. In fact she would probably feel left out of the scene if she did not do this things with all of it going on around her. On the other hand, she still values a meaningful and intimate relationship, and she still values commitment or at least the desire from a man to commit. There is no doubt that when people are torn by these 2 forces they often become very selfish to those who do not share in the pressures of their environment. You should be aware that if you try to stifle her social/party life it will backfire on you, push her away, and turn her off. On the other hand if you keep things too casual and noncommital, then she will not see the point in staying with you if it doesn't feel special. Now don't get me wrong, you should air grievances that cross your principles, but your best move is to get a good, realistic, and healthy perspective on the forces at work here. Anything that you feel is disrespectful of you is non-negotiable, but to be with a girl who is at that phase in her life you need to be able to be very open and flexible with the way she acts because she is learning a lot of new things and trying a lot of new things. The truth is that a lot of people in college leave their SOs derelict to pursue the distractions that are going on around them, but they don't stay like this forever, removed from such an environment and time people do change. So it is up to you to find that balance and see her for what she really wants out of you, which she may not always be sure of.