My failed reconciliation attempt, please draw a lesson.

[cmupitt]

My Story:

 

Had a 2.5 year relationship with my ex, who is a very nice and caring guy. At the end of the relationship, I became needy and clingy and he broke up with me because of built up resentment. During the whole relationship he treated me so nicely that he was not behaving himself -- never say "no" to me, never express his feelings. It went to a point where he could not stand it any more. When we broke up he said he pretended that he was happy in the relationship but never feeling rewarding and appreciated. He said he never express his negative feelings and it has accumulated to such a point that it is impossible to continue. I was very shocked to hear all these things because I thought we were in a Perfect relationship.

 

I went NC immediately. After around 2.5 months I bumped into him. He seemed very excited and happy. We had lots of eye contacts and I was able to feel the spark. I hinted to him that I miss him tremendously and he happily responded. I invited him to eat with me again one week later and he agreed with happiness. Again, a nice and beautiful evening, with lots of sparks. He mentioned the things we did together many times and seemed so happy. We even talked about going to a movie together the following week. Anyway, he was definitely into me at that moment and we were super happy.

 

The turning point came when I started to apologize to him about the problems that I had in our relationship. He seemed indifferent to my sincere apology. Then he said I have been questioning my decision for such a long time for my decision to breakup with you, but now I think it is the right decision." I was devastated to hear that and asked him You know about my attempts to get back why are you seeing me?" He said I am just too nice, and I don't want to reject you." Then I began a long speech on why we should be together.

 

At the end, he said You are giving me too much pressure. You know, you look very unattractive right now. You are needy and clingy and I have not seen any change. I have not got over the resentment to you, I need time. You are pushing me too hard. I have feelings for you, but I don't want to go back with you. Go move on with your life."

 

Don't know whether I was rejected because I pour my heart to him too quickly? Or he was so determined that no matter what I try and how I behave he will reject me anyway. I am sad, but not as bad as I thought. Actually I feel a big stone has been lifted from my heart. It is better to lose hope than having a bit of a hope. I made the mistakes that people have warned again and again on this board, but I tried my best. At that point, I wanted to go back with him too much to control myself or pretend that I don't care.

 

Well, NC again, I guess.

[Airbag]

Never bring up any past relationship problems.

[diarmuidz]

This was insightful - thank you for sharing your story.

 

I did the exact same thing with my ex - the last time I saw her, we hung out, had dinner and everything.... and I felt that it would be okay to bring up the relationship. I did, we held hands, I made an amazing case for us... why we're perfect for each other, why we should be together, the plans we made together that we'd be missing out on, that I still love her and want to work things out with her.... but then part way through she said the exact same thing your ex said to you... "I feel like you're pressuring me"... at which point I felt it was a lost cause and gave up.

 

I guess you and I just came accross too clingy/needy. I've been NC since... It's a deep, gnawing, persistent pain, makes you feel wretched and miserable. I'm glad that you feel relieved by the outcome of your situation... I'd like to get there. Lesson learned for both of us, I guess.... if you love something, don't hold on to it.....

[cmupitt]

I feel relieved mostly because I have a feeling that no matter how well I behave he will reject me anyway. As he said, he was not interested in a reconciliation to start with. He just wants to check up how I feel. Maybe he just wants to hang out and drag me through until he finds the next girl.

 

If that is the case, I should be happy that I find the answer earlier.

[mhowe]

He responded the way he did, because on the first "date" you were back to the person he originally knew -- happy, upbeat....until you quickly morphed back into the needy, clingy persona that he broke up with.....and he realized that you hadn't really changed. If you try and get back with someone --- it's not that you can't talk about the past, but you really don't want to do that until you have re-established the friendship basis first. And no matter what --- you can never "talk" someone into getting back together.

[diarmuidz]

You guys were only NC for 2.5 months... now I'm no veteran, and I'm going through a breakup/NC situation myself not knowing how it will turn out, but seems like you need to give it a lot more time..... mostly for yourself. I'm at 4 months, and still a wreck (I have other stresses in my life right now, so I won't be too hard on myself for not moving on faster...). Give it so much time that you don't care anymore, and I'm sure he'll come around or you'll find better. People here say at least 6 months... probably much longer. As long as you still have the urge to run back to him, stay away!

[Dr. Drees]

Those initial meet-ups are so critical. No way you can bring up the past rel. You gotta pretend like you don't even know.this person. Just let it flow. Can't lose what you've already lost.

[cmupitt]

It is easy to say, but hard to do, when you have not really moved on. Your ex will see through it immediately if you have not really moved on.

[mhowe]

Exactly --- which is why you don't really want to get together again until you really have moved on. Otherwise, it just becomes a re-hash of the past. And the past is why you are not together.

 

If you can move on, and get you're self together --- than the original spark has the possibility of coming back. And you both approach a new relationship, while having dealt with the baggage from before.....but that can't happen when you still harbor resentment over the break up.

[lavenderdove]

Exes can be really happy and relieved to see you again AS FRIENDS but have no real intention of getting back together, so it wouldn't matter what you did if what he was interested in was friends only. They want to put the bitterness behind them and perhaps still be a casual friend, but doesn't necessarily mean they want more.

 

So he was happy to see you again BUT it is pretty clear he doesn't want to date you... His tone may have drastically changed not because you brought up the past, but because he realized that you wanted more than friends, and he wanted to be clear that he wasn't interested in that.

 

Many people who fake how they feel and pretend they are happy and OK with just friends can waste a lot of time and really break their hearts hoping for a reconciliation when the ex really has no intention of that and only wants friends. So you saved yourself a lot of time and trouble by finding this out now, and that is actually a good thing becuase it will help you heal and move on.

[cmupitt]

I actually agree with this statement. That is why I feel relieved. Suppose that he drags me alone for two months and I feel more and more attached to him. Then I bring up reconciliation. He rejects me anyway.

 

Nothing will change -- I will only be more hurt and the healing process will be dragged much longer.

 

From the way he talked to me, I see that he has no intention to go back. I am actually thinking he might never will.

[mhowe]

He didn't reject you -- -he rejected getting back together (the relationship). You are still, I assume, a fine human being, and hopefully your self worth is not defined by being in a relationship.

 

And he isn't trying to drag you along -- you are wanting something he isn't, and may never be ready to give. But your statement "Nothing will change" --- well, things, including yourself can change if you make the effort. But, if you do nothing, then you are right --- He didn't contact you with the intent of getting back together --- that was your agenda.

[Thorshammer]

- Associate any time with you as being positive. Dont be the first to bring up something negative, always shift the conversation to a positive light. You as a positive experience, will reflect off you as something positive.

 

- Dont bring up the relationship, the first to bring it up already labeled as the needy one that didnt let go.

 

- You may or may not be at fault in the relationship, but dont apologize. By doing this you tell them, "you were right to leave me." Just dont bring it up.

 

- To fix being needy and clingy, you need to show you are not needy and clingy. Needy; opposite of this is that you dont NEED THEM, express how happy you are, how much you have accomplished without them, etc. Clingy; set up a date on your time, dont be by him all the time, wander off in thoughts or walk away to check something out, dont talk about "us", talk about you.

 

- Yes, being needy is unnattractive. What I wrote above makes you attractive. Busy, popular, happy, careless, cool, and ambitious is attractive for both sexes, especially when you lose attraction for being needy.

 

- Kick him off the stage. Next time that happens where he says you arent attractive because you are needy, or I am being nice taking you out; counter with something equally dismissive. "Dont take this as being needy (laugh), you didnt interpret correctly, I mean I liked you and all, but time away deadened that, I am having fun." This is only a game if you have to lie, if you have to lie, then yes, it becomes a game. When you really mean it, is when you are ready to reach out.

 

I would rather heal and forget. All my ex's came back, and all of them were waaaaay too late. My ex just hacked my facebook and that turned me off to the fact that she broke up with me and shes breaking into my stuff. Seems like an ego-boost, and that makes her look very ugly. I'll take that little cue as strength for myself, she hacked me 2 and half weeks into our breakup, "get over me!"

[Clumsy Llama]

I'm supposed to see my ex for the first time this week. I asked my therapist if I should bring up the topic of our relationship. She said definitely because what else are you getting out of seeing him. I told her I was worried about driving him away and she said if that happens, it was going to happen regardless of what you did. So don't feel bad! I don't think it would have made that much of a difference whether you told him how you felt or not, he's not ready. At least you got it out.

 

Another interesting point my therapist said was that usually men have a delayed response. They are more likely to find distractions after a break up (partying, rebound..) but they can't ignore their feelings forever. She said this often happens after 6 months and hopefully by that time you don't care anymore.